Crabby's Cowpie Field

What I'm working on.

2008-01-11T15:32:00.000-05:00

Remember I was doing all that photo restoration work before Christmas? I have an example up on my flicker page of on the 59 year old shots I had to work with. Go take a look and tell me what you think.

Crabby7 Flicker page

That's one of the things I've been winding up here so I can play again. Big, big job!

HULLOOO??!?!?!

2008-01-02T18:28:00.001-05:00

CRABBY D. BIATCH.

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU????????

(milky, I'm typing from inside your house. bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha!)

PS. Don't anybody talk about that guy who boiled his girlfriend cuz, Milky gets belly sick just thinkin' about somebody trying to eat another human. Which is why I feel really bad now that when we talked about the guy who ate his girlfriend I said, "Well, maybe his girlfriend asked him to eat her and he misunderstood." ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha!

Gotta run now! See ya!

Question.

2007-12-11T19:14:00.000-05:00

Is anybody else having trouble with yahoo messenger? It keeps telling me my password has been changed. And it sent me a different pass when I didn't request one. When I tried to login with that one, it said that one is wrong too. wtf?

Is it only me? Or are other people having trouble?

YOU! Are you ready to get crazy?

2007-12-06T16:29:00.000-05:00

I have gotten a pass from my photo restoration work till after Christmas and I am free to have some fun. I plan to have it at JackAssery Bloggers, where, myself and all your craziest buddies gather and do nothing but screw. This is one joint where you can't be too dumb or too off-the-wall nuts. So join us there and have some fun. You've earned it. The JackAssery Bloggers, blog will close after Christmas so....get crazy while you can folks.

GOOFY BLOGGERS UNTIED

2007-12-03T15:27:00.000-05:00

For the remainder of the Christmas season all Cowpie Posts will be presented here

JackAssery Bloggers

Join in with the goofiest of bloggers in blogland, who will be contributing nothing but pure JackAssery until this holiday season is over. So put those shopping bags down, grab a drink of something warm and comfy and come play.

PS....Due to the fact that we are all working our butts off shopping, wrapping, decorating, yadda yadda yadda.....the JackAssery Blog is currently a work in progress. But we're there and so should you be! NOW GET YOUR BUTTCHEEKS OVER THERE AND HAVE SOME FUN!

The JackAssery Christmas Plan.

2007-11-29T20:31:00.000-05:00

Manny and I talked and we wanna switch things up for the holiday season. Make changes. Kick some ass (or arse) if you're from England, Ireland, or Scotland.
We're busy, damn it. We got no time for posting on our own blogs everyday, doin' the holiday hubba hubba dung, and still have time left over to visit other blogs. Something had to be done. And we done it....almost.

We want to open a JackAssery Community Blog and send our blogs on v'cation till after Christmas. But only if we get a few more people to volunteer to be JackAssery Admins too. If you're slammed during the holidays, have trouble keeping up with everything that has to be done this time of year, but still want to stay in touch with your blogger pals, visiting and such.....the JackAssery Blog could be the answer.

Here's how it works. We each take a day of the week and post some totally off the wall, short, dumb post. The rest of the week we're each free to visit friends on other blogs during our spare time and maybe even get some holiday crap done.

Now, if nobody wants to voluteer. We like, totally understand, totally.
Oh and if you see a flaming bag on your doorstep be sure and stomp that puppy out. (just a safety tip)

JackAssery Admin

1. We take turns posting.
2. We only post JackAssery type stuff.
*examples*
a. Why farts are smart.
b. The sneeze. A mini-orgasm for the nose?

3. No post over 3 paragraphs long. JackAsserfists have short attention spans.
4. Pictures with the post are good. JackAsserfists like pictures.
5. Movies posted should be under 3 minutes. A JackAsserfist might fall asleep and hurt themselves when they fall outa of their chair. Then .... BOOM! we're down a commentor.
6. The JackAssery Blog will be open only during busy holiday seasons or for special occasions. It will be a place to just come in, take your hair down, get crazy, and be as stupid as you want to be. No pressure. No political correctness. No rules. All topics fair game.

Warning..........SERIOUS CRAP is a bad idea on a JackAssery blog! If yer dog dies and you just gotta talk about it, you better be using that sucker for a footstool or something else that'll entertain the simple minded. We don't like serious during Christmas cuz we're already tired, overworked, and in a bad mood. We need cheering up.

Now one other thing and this is kind of important. You gotta tell us if you want to be part of this thing either as a just a commentor or an admin. Cause only the people who tell us ahead of time will be listed on the blog roll.

AH-TENTION BLOGGERS WITH POTENTIAL

2007-11-28T09:20:00.000-05:00

All bloggers who apply and qualify for the first ever, JackAsserfist Blogger Association..... (see and apply in post below to find out if you qualify. We're particular. You must have JackAssery skills and be willing to have photos, yours or your pets, displayed in JackAsserfists videos made by me. An honor and a privilege to be sure.)

where was I? Hang on................
............

Oh yeah, will be receiving in the next post, their new JackAssery names. And will heretofore, in any JackAssed post be known only by those names.

smarty-pants people need not apply.

Thursday addendum: I'm slammed with work over here. (please feel sorry for me. I like that) Anyhow, while I'm playing catch up...if you all look to the left ...I write with my right hand so...yeah...the left.....where my "vote for me" button has been, you'll see I replaced it with something a little more meaningful. And it's fun to do. If you click on that button it takes you to a site where you can test your vocabulary skills and at the same time donate rice to hungry people.

JackAssery

2007-11-26T17:37:00.000-05:00

As 3 of us sat around the Thanksgiving table, bloated, coffee cups full, sale ads spread hither and yon, Jake said to Squirrel, "The internet is a wealth of information and these two," he says, looking first at Manny, then myself......."choose to use it for JackAssery."

Manny and I looked at each other, eyes widening, then simultaneously burst into uncontrollable guffaws of joy as we high-fived each other.

Me: "We're JackAsserfists. How cool is THAT dude?"
Manny: "Sweeeeet!"

Jake: "You're proud of that?"
Squirrel "You can't get throught to them, Jake. They've always been like this."

Me: "JACKASSERY RULES!"
Manny: "We're the best JackAsserfists ever!"

Me: "Let's start a JackAssery Association!"
Manny: "Yeah, and only Jackasserfists can get in."

And so it is, that I hereby, towit and towith, announce the beginning of the very first and only JackAssery Blogger Association.

To get an idea if you qualify for the first and only JackAsserfists association....watch the badly made film below. If you relate to any part of this movie, you "may" be a future member of the "JackAssery Blogger Association". If you can not relate, well......then you can't come in cuz.....there's a "no smart people allowed" rule and we can't break it even if we like you cuz frankly....smart or sophisticated folks are kind of a downer. But...not to fret...your dog may still be a potential member.

addendum: The song on this video is all Jake. If you guys would like to go sample his music or download, it's free. He has some Rolling Stones and Dylan covers over there too. Lot of stuff. Here's the link so you can go hear my kid. Course he gets all that talent from me. Let me know what you think. And maybe give him a comment or whatever.

JAKE'S MUSIC (SAMPLES AND FREE DOWNLOADS)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!

2007-11-22T08:09:00.000-05:00

Have a great Thanksgiving, my buddies. Here at a the crazy farm things are running out of control as always. Only...this time ..... I HAVE VIDEO FOOTAGE! WOOT! At least from last night's portion of the prep work. LOL!

Today appears to be getting off to a similar start as I find myself stumbling into the bathroom to cook. The scary part is.....it takes me a minute to realize there's no stove in there.

Ah, well. Back to work.

You guys enjoy today and don't eat yourself sick. Oh hell. Go ahead. It's only once a year.

I'll post last nights bickering and .....er.......creative cooking, soon.

OHIO STATE BUCKEYE/MICHIGAN RIVALRY

2007-11-16T13:28:00.000-05:00

The best damn rivalry in college football. And considering all the You Tubes puttin' the hate on my Bucks you all had to know....I would strike back. Fish gotta swim, ducks gotta quack, frogs gotta ribbit...and I gotta get my fingers into the mix even if they get snapped off.

To my Michigan friends...I love you guys. And this isn't personal, but you all know we are gonna take sides on this. Manny and I are Buckeyes born and bred. And we're gonna back our Bucks with everything we got.

To anyone from Michigan who is lacking a sense of humor, or worse, has a gun and knows where I live, just don't even watch this boring old video. Go out to eat or something. Have fun. Make your own video! LOL!

What a Crabby Woman Does When She's Alone

2007-11-14T14:15:00.000-05:00

Caution: this video contains an old lady in a bathtub and .... my singing. (which could be damaging to your ears) It also contains the voice of a foul tempered parrot yelling at me in the background for singing and piano.

ADDENDUM: I'll be busy shopping for avatar boobs if anybody needs me. I need more hits. And boob people always get hits. So...I'm gettin' boobs.
Personally, I think Milky needs some too. Maybe I'll find a pair for her as a gift.
K, I'm busy. I got boobs to find by damn!

Sit down.

2007-11-12T15:12:00.000-05:00

I hope you all are sitting for this because I actually have something serious to say. (no I'm not kidding)

During my life time...which is a verrrrry long time...I have taken on a goodly number of just plain "labor" type jobs. I've cleaned houses, washed people's dogs, done their ironing, and oh yeah....I've done the store clerk and server thing more than once. And that's why I have first hand knowledge of what it feels like to be demeaned by another human being who is trying to impress their friends, or just feels.....entitled. If you haven't done a physical labor job, you may be ignorant of the fact that (especially servers) are demeaned on a regular basis often enough by managers who are dumber than dirt. They are asked, nay...ordered, to mop floors, scrub walls and counters, and carry things bigger than they are on a regular basis. And when I was serving they made appoximately $2.10 for the effort. So basically a server's entire wages depend on your generosity.

One unkind statement, one person demeaning you publicly, can ruin an entire night...and is not forgotten even years later. Being unkind to others just because we can is nothing to be proud of. I am driven to post this because I witnessed this kind of demeaning of a woman "trying" to do her job by other "women" today at the market. Women....please...we should be supporting each other, not tearing each other down! (unless of course the other person is an ass)

So as yet another holiday season approaches, while you're out shopping or grabbing a quick bite to eat... remember what I am about to say to you. Cause nuthin' anywhere close to wise is gonna tap off these fingers again anytime soon.
An act of kindness is not only a gift to the receiver, but to the giver as well.
It is "free", uniquely yours to give, and will be remembered by the person who received it, long after you've forgotten doing so. So if you give nothing else this year, give a kind word, a warm smile, and be patient. This ....matters more than anything else you will do this holiday season.

39 SECONDS OF FROLICKING DEBOUCHERY.

2007-11-09T11:45:00.001-05:00

For your edification, I give you 39 seconds of both sexually stimulating and, belly turning, video.
Bonepetite!

CRAB'S GOODHOUSEKEEPING INTERVIEW

2007-11-08T09:19:00.000-05:00

interviewer: So Crabby, is it true that after years of avoiding housework in every creative fashion possible, you now must clean or die? You have an allergy to dust "that" severe?
crab: DOH! No I'm just cleanin' my butt off cuz it's my new hobby. Hell yes, it's true! Life has kicked me in the ass so many times I'm sportin' a butt crack the size of the Grand Canyon. But this, THIS, is cruel! And I'm not allergic to dust. I'm allergic to sh#!"
interviewer: Um. I am sorry Crabby but we don't use that word here.
crab: POOP! Can I say poop? I'm allergic to dust mite poop. Tiny little microscopic turds, shat out by the dust mite. And apparently there are millions of them all over my house. And I have to clean it up. But first I'm gonna kill the little bas.....
interviewer: Yes. Yes. Thank you. We get the idea. You recently went on strike against the men in your house for buying pickles?
crab: Oh HULLO! It was a lot more than pickles! They got a Sam's club membership back in August. They started buying restaurant sized jars of pickles, peppers, and mustard. Wheels of cheese. Pounds and pounds of fat bacon. You couldn't even see the floor of my pantry! And my frig???? FORGET IT! Nothing would fit in there anymore. It was a nightmare. So I stopped cleaning the frig and the pantry. Went on strike.
interviewer: Two days ago you stopped the strike and what did you find in the refrigerator?
crab: The portal to hell.
interviewer: I bet they were grateful you came off that strike and got back to work.
crab: Yeah well, you'd lose that bet, missy. When I bitched about the mess I had to clean up and told them I was officially off strike....they were confused. They didn't know I was ever on strike. MEN!
interviewer: So how does it feel to live in a dust free house now?
crab: How thee hell would I know? I've only finished two rooms.
interviewer: But you've been working for a week. You must be finished with at least a floor of the house? How dirty could your house have been?
crab: Ah, hell. There they go again. Multiply like bunny rabbits. 'scuse me.

Crab: You were sayin'??
interviewer: Um....nnnno...no nothing. That was all.

PEANUT BUTTER HO

2007-11-05T16:15:00.000-05:00

This one isn't my fault. I taught her the sit and down....Jake taught her the crawl and scoot. So PETA.....it's not me you want. Get Jake. He did it. Uses that poor defenseless animal for his own amusement. Shame! SHAME, I SAY!

ANUS HELL

2007-11-01T09:23:00.000-05:00

It all began Sunday as Bob's colonoscopy loomed nearer over the horizon.
Excerpts from conversation, Day one:
Me: I'm telling you there's nothing to it. You won't even remember it. I enjoyed mine.
Bob: Somebody told me, to clean one of those hoses, the doctor has to stand on a ladder.
Me: Yeah, well, sure it's long. Your intestines are long. But it's not big around.
Bob: So? I have a small puckered anus!
He declared this so loudly that people in the parking lot turned to look. Jake busted out laughing. All the way home from the market I tried to reassure him. And all the way home he fretted and fidgeted in his seat just thinking about it. Then of course Jake had to add his two cents.
Jake: Mom! Men don't want other men poking things in their poopers!
Bob: Yeah, that's right!
Monday followed Sunday with more fretting. Then came Tuesday...the fasting and the horse pills. Bob can't take pills. Not even little ones. When he takes a pill he shakes his head like a baby bird trying to suck down a big worm or something. These pills are HUGE! Oddly, I didn't hear much from him all day.......until we went to bed and he said forlornly and sincerely.......
"I hope I don't shit on you in the middle of the night."
"WELL ROLL YOUR BUTT OVER TOWARD THE OTHER DIRECTION FER CRYIN OUT LOUD!"
Wednesday came....forever to be known as.....BLACK WEDNESDAY. He scheduled for bright and early so I had to function on one cup of coffee. Not good. But then, Bob couldn't have anything so...that was worse...........I say reluctantly.
We get there, me with my one cup of joe barely kicking in, and Bob with his shiny clean colon and the gal says........"Oh. I'm sorry but the doctor was called out of town 2 days ago."
Bob: Why didn't someone call us? The answer to this took awhile but she finally came back with, one of the digits in the number was wrong. Now...here's the good part....we're in the phone book annnnnd..... our family doctor's receptionist desk is RIGHT ACROSS THE FRIGGIN ROOM FROM THEM! They have all our numbers including the cell phones.

So it was decided that Bob would go another day without food and no diabetes meds then come in today at 9:30 am to have a different doc do the procedure.

Thursday (today) came which will, heretofore, be known as, "bad luck can get worse" Thursday.
We wait an hour before they call him back. He goes in...I settle down in the second waiting room and.......well.....wait. Other wives are there waiting as well. One husband comes out...loopy as hell, his shirt untucked, stumbling. The nurse comes out chasing him down....Mr. Wicket! I told you, you're not ready to leave yet. "Bob!" his wife admonishes...."get back in there!" Bob gives her a grin and says...."Pardee poopser." Back in he goes, the nurse holding him steady.

A little while later, Bob #2 comes out, aka...Crab's Bob. The nurse tells me, he may be a little forgetful today. Bob do you recognize your wife. "Yeah," he says pointing to the cute young thing sitting across from me. "That's her!"
"Bob, get your butt over here and sit down!" I tell him. Then I let the nurse know he's been pulling her leg. He remembers perfectly well!
"You devil!" she tells him, smiling. Then she tells me the doc will be out to talk to us soon. And he was. First he showed us a pic of Bob's colon which revealed something I hadn't expected to see and I'm pretty sure neither did the doc. I won't say what...but I will tell you this much.....WE HAVE TO GO BACK AGAIN!!!! There was a tu........ an obstrustion. Which I now have a picture of. Thank you very much for that lovely parting gift.

So...don't you know Bob tried to schedule for tomorrow morning. I argued over it because he's diabetic! He hasn't eaten for two days, nor taken his pills. But he swore it would be ok. And he believes it....know why? Cause he's higher than a kite! Fortunately the doc didn't agree with him. We go back in February. And this time that colon is gonna be clean even if it means I hook up the attachment to the Hoover! Oh and....the next doc....is a woman. Bob said he decided it would be sexier to have a woman shoving something up your butt than a man. Ay yi yi! I'm so glad he doesn't get high all the time.

BTW....the man has been getting away with murder all day long. I can't tell you how many times he's flirted and I didn't kill him.

MANNY IS BAD. GO TO MANNY'S

2007-10-31T17:51:00.001-05:00

Manny is hiding in the dark with her canDEEE
I want canDEEEEE
gimme some canDEEEE, MANNNYYYYYY!
I'm at your door.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
I'm coming to your back doooooor.....gimme some canDEEEEE!
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

I'm opening the winnnnndow.....
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch

I'm want my canDEEEEE.

I'm here in the dark....

I smell canDEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

gimme that cannnDEEEEEE.

it's very dark.

I see you Manny.

Hiding behind the chair.

Eating my canDEEEEEE!

I'm behind you.

I smell cannnnDEEEEEE!

GIMME THAT CANDEEEEEEE, MANNNNNYYYY!

A VISIT FROM THE BARMAN

2007-10-30T11:57:00.000-05:00

Barman came to visit this weekend. He and Bob made the plans so....as luck, (men) would have it, we were up, out, and eating at the crack of dawn. I don't know about the rest of you ladies but in the world of "me", that's just not natural.
But check Barman out....look how happy he is. LOL! And Bob was awake too! Not me. I yawned so much I almost swallowed my own head.
We went for a walk later on the other side of our ravine. As you can see, Barman and Bob had a hard time keeping up, mostly because they kept tripping over things. I was afraid I'd have to carry them out on my back but they eventually got their game on.
Although Barman did tend to wander off a bit.
Awww. Look at him down there all worried about how he's gonna cross that rushing stream. "Yo, Barman!....Lookit here....there's a bridge right up top where I am!" (My bad. I shoulda had a rope tied from his waist to mine. He IS from outa town after all.)
Tree riding. A popular sport here in Ohio. I have 2 blue ribbons and I'm goin' for a 3rd. It was a good leg stretch hoppin up on that thing too, lemme tell ya.
After we had a cup of coffee and warmed up (it was cold, blustery, and raining here Saturday) we headed out for Easton and some lunch. I meant to surprise Barman here but my blasted camera got stuck so THAT plan didn't work out.

And check it out! I have Erma's shoes! WOOT. Bob took this pic. He took like...4 of them because he kept saying....you're making a dumb face in that one. "That's how my face looks!" or..."Well, just get the shoes!" I'd try and explain but....he kept trying to get one without the face. Didn't work out for him. Which I told him in the first place! It is, what it is, yanno?
No trip to Easton is complete without a trip to the Mackie store. (Barman has NO idea I have this pic) bwaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha! I hid behind the software to take it.
We had lunch at Mongolian Barbecue. All the servers and cooks were wearing Halloween costumes which was cool. But....sadly I didn't get pics. I can't focus on such things when I smell food.

After dinner we drove thru Horton's then went home and vegged out with football. I LOVE football.

OO OO...and you all might like to know that Barman "the traitor" encouraged bob and Jake to go to Sam's club for MORE pickles and mustard! Not cool! Like we need another restaurant sized jar of pickles around here. They spend one day together and all of sudden they're cohorts. MEN!

Course by now you all know that on the way home, Barman had his trippy thing (whatever you call em) set on walk. So it was taking him down all the walking routes till he figured out what was wrong. Goofball! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha!

We had a pretty good time considering we had nothing at all planned and just winged it. Next time around I think we HAVE to go to Dave and Buster's for some video game competition and good meal.

Dear everyone

2007-10-29T12:45:00.001-05:00

The Cowpie Field has temporarily moved into one of Barman's posts. The one titled....Who am I?

Hey....he said I could. (honest!) If ya can't trust me...who can ya trust? huh?

Anyhow...if you want Sheriff...Milk E. Maid, Deputy Crabby Fife, or Deputy Manny GoutFoot....we'll be over yonder restoring law and order......or...um...possibly breaking the law. Not sure which.

AH-DENDUM! I blew up Lauren's photo. This is what she really looks like. Shocking! Just shocking. I don't know about you all but I'm thinkin' UGlee trumps youth.

WARNING!

2007-10-28T11:42:00.000-05:00

This is a humor blog.
Things written here are written in jest and not to be taken seriously.
No subject has been directed at any individual unless I specifically named them.
I am not a fitness expert.
I am not a therapist.
I am not a deep thinker.
I do not wish to solve world problems or even little problems. My brain is not equipped for that and as with most simple minded folk...that suits me just fine.
Don't send me helpful information on subjects written about. I promise you, I won't retain it anyhow.
I consider any subject fair game. If you are easily offended or have emotional issues, for the love of all that is good in this world....don't read "my" crap. Because there's an excellent chance anything in my head that taps off my fingers will set you back years.

URGENT ADDENDUM:

First, I apologize. I swear I didn't know Crabmatic Brain Fever was contagious. Sadly, it has become apparent through their comments below that two of my dear friends are suffering from the early stages of this dreaded disease. In an effort to make amends I will now post the warning symptoms for, "Crabmatic Brain Fever".

1. You find yourself laughing at something in a room full of people, look around and realize....you're the only one laughing.
2. Talking to yourself.
3. An inability to focus on another person's words because your brain is busy planning what you want to say soon as they're done hogging air time.
4. Thinking your still fairly smart when you are, in fact, slowly dumbing down, due to excessive, "Crab exposure".
5. An attraction to bright colors and shiny things.
6. An aversion to numbers, unless they're on cash or check.
7. Habitual reality TV viewing.
8. You begin to hum the song....."Short People".
9. An inability to take anything seriously, immediately followed by an uncanny knack of making a complete fool out of yourself.

Crabmatic Brain Fever culminates with the total dumming down of the thought process. And being uncertain even when you write them if big words like culminating are being used properly (which they usually aren't). The up side to this disease is ..... you not only don't give a care, but take supreme pleasure in your dumbness and resent anyone who tries to smarten you up.

And finally for "JU_ _ _" who sent me the email telling me how dangerous it was for me to encourage obesity. And WORSE a link to "statistics", a.k.a. NUMBERS! (cruel bitch) Numbers make my head hurt unless they're on cash or check. Everybody knows that!
A toast to your helpful advice.
mmmmmmm....it's not just butter and rolls....it's sweet full cream butter. nummy nummy in my tummy.
And..sayyyyyy...how about a little extra butter on top of my milk gravy, to go with my "FRIED" chicken? tasty tasty. mm mm good.
You're wasting a perfectly good soap box on me, "JU _ _ _" . I have A.D.D. Now come on down before ya get a nosebleed.

CRAB'S PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

2007-10-25T14:44:00.000-05:00

Why do we worry so much about weight in this country? What's wrong with a woman who has a little meat on her bones, huh? I mean, obviously women who weigh more have bigger chesticles. That oughta count for something.

Seriously, unless a gal (or guy) needs to knock off a few to get healthier, I don't get these salad lunches people are having. And I gotta tell ya...when we go out to dinner with a couple and the wife is skinny....she almost always will eventually ask one of us a question like, "Do you know how many calories are in that?" Personally in those moments, I have to fight the urge to knock the skinny priss off her chair. I don't know. I don't wanna know. I just wanna eat the damned thing. If I don't eat, I'm gonna end up lookin like this in my old age. No thanks!
And don't think I don't have my run ins with the scale...when I get on it....which I try not to.
Check it..........
Do I care? Obviously not.
And OO OO....here's a good one. I know all you ladies hate this stuff.
Do I care....nnnnooooooooo. Not particularly.
And as far as men go. I like a man with a little belly on him. I don't see a problem with it. Means he eats normal stuff and probably enjoys his chips during a football game. Who wants a man that's prettier than she is anyhow?

People...set yourself free. Eat a good meal! Enjoy your life. The weight comes and goes. It's normal. Trust me, it's more important to enjoy yourself and focus on the other guy and how much fun, he or she, is......er....or isn't....in which case, get desert too.

This has been a public service announcement from the folks at, Yummy Crab Vittles, inc.
You're welcome.

Ok. Enough with the crap, people.

2007-10-23T11:16:00.000-05:00

What thee bloody hell?

First I get a one word comment from Melissa which I can only assume is more of an advertisement for her porn site than an actual comment. Then Vi sends everyone to her blog to read all about LW and is she or isn't she who she says. Then I get a comment from another person I don't know tellin' me what the hell to delete on my own blog.

Do I look like a friggin infomercial here?

For the record, I don't give a care who is and who isn't who they say they are. I'm just here to have fun. And I don't want my blog used as a marketing tool! So knock that crap off!

If you people want to get all lathered up over b.s. that doesn't mean anything, feel free. But not here.

For the record, I LIKE Little Wing. I like the things she writes and her comments everywhere have always been kind. Actually, I don't dislike any of you. But trust me when I tell you, life will kick you in the ass plenty all by it's self without you all trying to stir each other up over nothing.

Now you children go outside and play nice and let me get back to getting well.

PS. JQ, is this good enough for you? Have I been clear? I hope so because I'm not going to go through all those comments and try to figure out who should and who should not be deleted. I have other stuff to do.

Addendum: I told Bob about this stuff and he asked to see the Melissa post. I showed him and his reaction.....

"Wow. She's hot!"

Now he wants me to see if there's a muscular guy on that porn site that has a big wanker and tell everybody it's him. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha!
So from now on... ya don't have to call him Bob....you can just call him....Big Wanker Guy.

AND THE LORD SAID...

2007-10-18T16:52:00.000-05:00

TWO OF THE SISTERS (especially Manny) SHALL MEND THEIR WAYS, OR I SHALL HAUL THEIR SORRY BUTTS UP HERE WITH ME, WHERE ST. PETER SHALL WATCH THEM, 24/7.

I'm not kidding. Manny and I have both experienced....well, life changing health issues. Manny has her kidneys and liver to deal with. I now have asthma and yet another possible head operation. (nice way of saying nasal rotor rooter) I got scanned today. Manny got biopsied yesterday. Both our results come back tomorrow.
In the meantime....we gotta make life changes if we wanna hang around and continue to play...in a nice way of course.

And so...as a means of making amends...this is my confession post. And I challenge Manny to do the same. (like before the results come back tomorrow and we both go down the toilet)

I have used my computer to irritate and annoy my sisters and son because...well, I thought it was funny.
I confess I did, in fact, take unflattering pictures and videos of Manny to post when she was too sick to chase me. And even later when....she got more feisty ..... but only cause I realized even if she tried to catch me....she'd never get that IV pole through the doorway in time to catch me before I got on the elevator.
I took them and basically told Manny:I have used my camera to take unflattering pics of the Squirrel because I thought they'd make funny Christmas videos......um....and possibly cards.
I took this pic of Jake to get even with him for the pooper scooper video he posted of me on U Tube when I was wearing my fat pants. (I'm not sure this is really a bad thing since he started it.)

I knowingly cheated, my friend Fred. (he doesn't read this so I can confess without hearing from him about it.) I paid off a bet to him with assorted grocery coupons instead of cash and claimed not to know any better.
Then I cheated again to win money on another bet.
I also cheated at boggle but they caught me. And it wasn't a total cheat anyhow. Maybe a little bit.

I have more but...I'm outa space. Cept, I ate Bob's oatmeal cookies and blamed it on Jake.

And I charged Jake 75% interest on money he five dollars he borrowed from me when he was in high school.
Also, when he was in 2nd grade, I sent him out front to wait for the bus on a day when there wasn't any school.
Ok. I feel better now. Manny's turn. (go over and post it manny. You'll feel better)

yeah, that's right. I'm hot.

2007-10-12T05:37:00.000-06:00

Disclaimer: The following movie may be too sexually stimulating for some people. View with caution. And remember gentlemen, I'm only one woman and I'm spoken for. So don't send flowers or expensive gifts. Money is ok. Cause that's just like paying when you go to the movies. No big deal.
I must say after viewing this myself, Bob is a lucky man. A man that lucky, might be inclined to buy his amazingly hot wife ..... oh..... like an i touch or something. You know ..... just sayin'...it would be a nice gesture.

In case you all are wondering.

2007-10-11T16:57:00.000-06:00

I am creating the world's HOTTEST HNT, starring me, of course.

In fact, it's so hot, you men most likely won't be able to walk for two days. That's how hot it is. Yeah, that's right...I know what men like. And you all thought I couldn't be all sexy and stuff, just cause I'm kind of a Tomboy still. PAH! I'm all about sexy. Just wait and see. I know how to do these HNT thingies.

Yep, even women and animals are gonna be dreamin about me after this HNT. Maybe even really old people. Eunichs will want their equipment back. That's how sizzlin it is.

I'm going back to work now. I had to take a break cause I turned my own self on.

GERMS. BITCH MAID. AND A HOARD.

2007-10-09T14:03:00.000-06:00

I will never be accused of being "a good soldier" when it comes to being sick. I'm sick. Hate it. Sick sucks. It's not natural. Bet I'm even gonna die or something. That's how miserable I am.

And OF COURSE, Conchita, my imaginary maid, is like....totally ignoring the dust bunnies playing tag under my bed with the rolling tumbleweeds of dog hair. I swear, SWEAR...some day I'm gonna fire that bitch and get a maid that really exists. Imaginary maids are worthless! She's no better than my imaginary masseuse, Sven.

Sound grim so far? Well, IT'S WORSE!
Bug man came yesterday to have a look at my ant problem in the bathroom. Course I had to get my sorry ass outa the bed to let him in cause....who wants to lay in bed with bug man walking around? Soon as he saw the ant carcasses he says, "This is worse than I thought. I'll be right back. I have to get my drill."

"Drill? Whatdoya' mean, drill?"

"They're in your walls," he called back over his shoulder.

"Oh well, that's just great! That's just dandy!" I muttered to myself cause NOBODY else was around but the ants.

Sure enough, he drilled holes all over the bottom of each and every wall in the bathroom and then drilled holes in my bedroom closet.

"bbbbb...but....I don't have ants in the closet," I protested.

"Good chance they're in the wall behind your shower or the bathtub. I can't drill into the shower wall. This is the only way. Might work. Might not. If it doesn't, we're gonna have to call a contractor. Have that shower torn out."

"SAY WHAT???? nuh UGH! whyyyyyy?"

"They'll eat your foundation. Don't wanna end up in the basement when you're takin' bath, do ya?"

"The basement isn't under here. It's the crawl space, " I snapped back, sarcastically. Instantly realizing what an idiot I sounded like. The fever, obviously is cooking my brains.

"You may start to see increased activity," he continued, undaunted. "24 hours or so, you may even see a hoard coming out of those holes. That's ok. We're flushing them out. Long as they act drunk. Not too energetic.""So...what am I supposed to do? Give 'em a friggin breathalyser? How do tell if an ant is drunk?"

"They'll stumble around. Be lethargic."

So here I sit now, fever, throbbing head, ringing ears, on the lookout for a bunch of drunk ants.
And you can bet your butt cheeks, that like Quinn, from Jaws....I'm gonna find em. I'm gonna find em...and I'm gonna kill em. No way I'm sittin' my ass in the crawlspace to take a bath!

MRS. CRABBY'S NEIGHBORHOOD

2007-10-05T05:18:00.000-06:00

Hi there neighbor! It's a beautiful day in the Crabbyhood. Would you be my friend?
for the next 40 something seconds, parental guidance suggested.

PS. Mrs. Crabby is not responsible for the really bad accent. She was in a hurry....er....had a cold.....and other stuff.

THERE'S A BUTTON IN MY BUTT.

2007-10-04T04:58:00.000-06:00

In the past two weeks I have retrieved from my mail box:

*One brochure entitled ...... But What if You're Alive Tomorrow? (if? What d'ya mean, IF?)
*Two invitations to check out the latest and greatest in Senior Living Communities.
*A neatly wrapped sample of Depends complete with coupon for 10 bucks off of future purchase. (FYI, I haven't pissed myself since the 6th grade and that wasn't my fault.)
*But my personal favorite was the letter from a life insurance company suggesting I "NEED" to buy life insurance because, "Don't you want the comfort of knowing your loved ones will continue to live comfortably after you're gone?"
ugh yeah. Lemme just address that. A) Last time I looked, I didn't have a fuggin job. Bob makes it. I spend it. Near as I can figure, best thing that could happen to Bob financially is for me to croak, which I'm not. Thank you very much. and, 2) There is NO WAY IN HELL I'm sending you money every month so you can send a check back to my house after I'm too dead to spend it. DOH! I might be dumb but, I ain't THAT dumb.

I am not in complete denial over the age thing. I have seen a couple of bitty changes. For instance, yesterday I leaned over to clean a reflective surface and my face skin fell forward like the jowls on a bassett hound. This is not good, but I can live with it.
More troubling by far, is this button embedded in my ass. It clicks to life the instant I sit down and serves two purposes. 1) urination stimulation. 2) Immediate memory recovery.
1. Basically you can be walking around, gathering up snacks for your favorite tv show, happy as a clam that you finally get to sit down. Sit, button activates, and ba da bing...ba da boom! You have to pee....RIGHT NOW!
2. There's something you came in this room to get. Something.......something......now.....what was that? Thinking ...looking.....thinking some more.......couldn't have been too important. Go back, sit down, INSTANTLY REMEMBER why you got up in the first place. Return to room to retrieve item, stop long enough to get drink of water, and blink-SNAP.....once again, you've forgotten. Why, because nobody's pushing the button! Sure enough....soon as your ass connects to the sofa cushion you not only remember what you forgot but .....you have to pee..... AGAIN!
I've been looking all morning and I can't find the damnable thing. But I know it's back there!

I HAVE A SITUATION HERE.

2007-10-02T09:36:00.000-06:00

The slobber queen refuses to let me do my sit ups in peace. And when I try to do push ups, she thinks I'm playing and tries to wrestle me.

The problem here, Lucy has outgrown her kennel. The heft of her big yellow self has cracked the heavy plastic floor in 8 places. This dog, now weighs almost 100 pounds. I'd put her on a diet but, she's not fat. Just ENORMOUS! Enormous and playful. I got up in the middle of the night to pee. Shuffled off to the bathroom and nearly broke my neck tripping over the giant wagging mound that is Lucy.

The other night Jake was playing with her with a red laser light. He ran it up the wall to the ceiling. Lucy decided to jump for it. Only thing that even left the ground were her two front feet and then...no more than an inch. No way that beast is gonna get airborn. She landed with a thud I bet you heard at your house.

Add to that, she's a cuddler. She HAS to be where ever I am. Now this is fine when I'm not moving. But when I walk from room to room she follows so closely there is no doubt in my mind if I make a sudden stop, she and I will have to be rushed to the emergency room to have her snout surgically removed from my anus.

As I type this, my trusty drooling companion, has her head on my lap, gazing up at me lovingly. I swear I can't feel my toes. Her fat head has cut off the circulation in my leg.

There must be some way to keep this dog busy. If I put her outside she tries to dig up the skunk hole so she can cuddle with them. Which we all, now know ....... they don't like so much.

OK PEOPLE GATHER 'ROUND. IT'S TIME FOR EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE GAME. WHERE'S CRABBY?

RETURNING THE PIMP.

2007-10-02T06:02:00.000-06:00

A couple weeks ago I joined Review Back. It's a site where bloggers go to find other bloggers they have something in common with, then exchange reviews for the betterment of mankind.
Ok! For our own selfish needs. There. Happy?

More days ago than I will admit to, I was approached by Tiff of Doom, requesting that we exchange reviews. Hesitantly, I approached her blog for a look see. Hesitant because what I have found at review back are about 10 million business and "how to" blogs. When you do find the regular blogs, you literally have to sift through dozens upon dozens of human wienies. (no offense to human wienies but I doubt you know who you are anyhow so...no worries)

First thing that caught my eye on her profile was, "I like to think of myself as a social disease. A big, bloggy social disease." Ok, I figured, maybe this one has possibilities.

"Tiff of Doom", is primarily what some reviewers refer to as, a "Mommy Blog". But tiff offers her own unique humorous perspective that makes this "Mommy Blog" a worthwhile read especially for those of you still rearing youngins.

Some highlights from Tiff's blog

After suggesting her daughter go trick or treating as a Zombie, Tiff began to fret over the fact that she might be messing with her daughter's mind on the spiritual aspects of death. So she decided to fix things by explaining what a Zombie was.
"This is like, a bad ghost that got inside a gross old dead person, who's been in the ground and had worms eating them."
(yeah, Tiff....that was lots better. LOL!)

Tiff gone postal
And I'm serious, about those eggs. When you least expect it, Arcadia Post Office, I am coming.

Finally, if you would like to recreate the birthday cake lovingly baked for Tiff by her 5 year old daughter, I've copied the recipe down for you. But know this. I am not eating that!
Cake of Doom

pepperoni
heath toffee syrup
strawberry yogurt
cool whip
fruit loops
eggs

You'll have to get the oven temp and baking time from Deirdre. LOL! They lost me after pepperoni.

If you'd like to pay Tiff a visit, you can find her here at TIFF OF DOOM.

Giving Back

2007-10-01T11:20:00.000-06:00

This month's winnings have been donated to the American Diabetes Association in honor of Bob and Barman, and the millions of other Americans who deal with this disease every day. Tremendous strides have been made through diabetes research. Wouldn't it be nice if one day we found a cure so your children and your children's children, had one less thing in this world to fear?

Last months winnings were donated to PAWs. PAWs not only rehabilitates, injured, orphaned, and abused domesticated pets, but also our nations wildlife.

But it doesn't require prize money or extra cash to make a difference where one is needed. Many charities are happy to receive clothing and household item donations. You can clean out your closet and help someone in the process. It's a win/win! I donate to the Kidney Foundation almost monthly this way.

The United States of America is considered a wealthy nation. Yet the number of every day people just like you and me who are now sleeping in shelters, cars, and even under bridges is mind blowing. Many of our elderly are barely making ends meet. Scientists need funds to find cures for the diseases that plague us. And don't get me started on the complete lack of respect we show our environment.

There are things that need doing. And so many ways of getting them done. You can volunteer your time, your money, your old clothes! You can make a difference by speaking out. It doesn't have to be money. All we need, is to care.

Check out the charities of your choice online. Do what you can. Even if we each live to be a hundred and thirty, our time here is so short. Let's make it count for something.

Ok now, guys. I really need to clarify here. Please don't start thinking I'm St. Crabby of the Blog, or anything. I am NOT by any stretch of the imagination a consistent good person. I just get it right ....... sometimes. Not even real often. And half of those are an accident. Some things I feel strongly about, that's all.

HE'S NOT BEEF. HE'S PIT LICKER!

2007-09-30T07:47:00.000-06:00

We went to Amish country yesterday and I found a new friend for Lucy. But Bob wouldn't let me bring him home. Not to fret. I'm not giving up! I'm smitten! Your job is to help me think of good reasons why Bob should let me have this bull.

Smiling nicely for the camera, Crabby is blissfully unaware, until she lifts her foot and hears the swishy sucking sound, that she is standing in in a big fat mound of turkey poop.
Destiny has brought them together. Crabby will love him and hug him and take him home. And he shall be named, "Pitt licker".
Crabby enjoys Pitt licker's gentle kiss until she feels a gentle tugging on the side of her scalp and realizes ..... he is eating her hair.
Only having eyes for Pitt Licker, Crabby is unaware, that the jealous horse is about to bury his nose in the back of her head and sneeze.

Hey there, little buddy! Wanna come home with me for Thanksgiving?
Bob refused to let the turkey have his side of the garage till Thanksgiving. So now I'll have to buy a turkey. Unless ........ he COULD STAY IN THE BASEMENT! WOOT! Manny will have to catch him when it's time to..... you know.... cook.

Today is the last day for voting. If you'd like to cast a vote for the Cowpie Field just click on the button to your right and it will take you to the thumbs up place.
Wait....I meant left. It's left. I write with my right hand so, the button is left. You can't miss it. It's gray and orange. If you don't want to..... THAT WOULD JUST SUCK ...... I mean, I totally understand it's a lot of trouble ...... TO CLICK A FRIGGIN BUTTON ..... what I mean to say is.... it's ok, really. Winning doesn't matter. LIKE HELL IT DOESN'T! I'm a good and giving person and I don't blog for recognition or attention like that. YEAH, RIGHT.

PMS - A REASON TO BITCH?

2007-09-28T05:01:00.000-06:00

You ladies ever get one of these cards? Didn't think so.

In fact, just this morning, Jake, the fruit of Bob's loins, said to me and I quote:
"PMS IS JUST ANOTHER REASON FOR WOMEN TO BITCH."
I am in menopause. My mood swings make Sybil look like an under achiever. I'm not a morning person, and hadn't finished my first cup of coffee yet. It is my firm belief that not pummeling thee living hell outa Jake this morn is my "bought and paid for ticket" into heaven. Which happily means I can scratch "make sure you're getting into Heaven," off my todo list.

But .... it gets better. When Bob arrived at the table I told him what Jake said, waiting for his sympathetic response. (NOT REALLY!) And he adds, "Every man knows that 10 days out of every month a woman is going to be a complete bitch."

ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH! He's been reading Slicks blog too long. LOL!

On behalf of women everywhere, let me just tell you fellas, you DO have your crotchity moments. Oh yeah. You do.

Around here it's when Bob can't find something. The longer he looks the more annoyed he becomes. Most of the time he accuses me of either hiding it from him, or tossin it out. 8 out of 10 times, the object in question can be found right in front of his face. All he had to do was move something off the top of it.

And don't EVEN get me started on backseat driver nagging. Jake is the WORST back seat driver in the history of back seat drivers. I swear to you every five seconds it's..... watch out for that car up there ..... curb! ....... you're going to have to stop up here ...... now .... slow down ....... you wanna turn here, don't forget your turn signal. NAG NAG NAG! Bob is almost as bad, which is why I refuse to drive with either 0f them in the car.

My feeling ....woman have a damned good reason to get bitchy. We are innocent victims to our hormones. Let a guy suffer the agony of sore, swollen breasties and see how well he takes it. PAH! He'd walk around holding onto his boobs, howling like a moose with it's balls caught in a bear trap.

Men, obviously, get testy for no reason at all. I mean, Yeegads! They're blessed to have us! Every man should drop on his knees right now and say....Thank you for my woman!

BTW. I don't know who's doing all the voting over there at bloginterviewer but.....SWEEEEET! You guys rock! I wanted you all to know that just because I stopped bugging you for votes doesn't mean I don't appreciate the hell out of them and each of you! Thank you so much for supporting me and my goofy Cowpie Field.

THE SOAP CONSPIRACY.

2007-09-26T11:40:00.000-06:00

After experiencing years of strange oddities in the shower this reporter decided to dig in and get the real dirt on soap. The facts aren't pretty. Consider, if you will:
THE HAIRY SOAP PHENOMENA
Out of nowhere, a hair, or hairs, appear on the bar of soap. You inquire from the only other person who uses the soap, asking if he has been carelessly rubbing said soap over hairy portions of his body again. He responds adamantly, "Who me?" It wasn't him. And you know it wasn't you. Yet, the soap has been haired. Not wanting to touch the mysterious hair, you rinse, and rinse, and rinse some more, until at last the hair disappears. Turning the soap in your hand you begin to lather only to discover the hair has reappeared on the other side! But how?

THE INFAMOUS TOE ATTACK
Finished lathering, you return the soap to it's holder and begin to wash. You find yourself relaxed by the spray of warm water on your skin and begin to hum. All is good with the world until......suddenly....... the soap (which has put on weight) lands on your big toe. Unthinking, you quickly swing your foot up to safety. Throwing yourself off balance you end up with your ass planted over the shower drain which is now making great sucking noises as though it had just had it's oxygen cut off.

THE SLEEPER HEAD SHOT
You begin washing your hair (no where near the soap), bend down returning the shampoo to the floor when........ without warning ..... you receive a blow to the head rendering you temporarily unconscious. When you awake, you find yourself dazed and confused gazing up into the pretty lights, muttering....."mommy". It takes several moments before you regain sanity and realize you've been attacked. You look around and see....absolutely no one and nothing .......except that innocent bar of soap lying on the shelf? Coincidence? I think not!

Our soap is attacking us, people? Admit it. You have had one or more of these experiences, haven't you? So. What are we gonna do about it? I say we fight back. But how? How?

ADDENDUM
MAJOR PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

thanks to Angela Marie in the comments section below, it has been brought to my attention that bar soap is not the only place pubes gather. they are also in our beds, people! Which means, in your sleep ..... you could unknowingly sniff up, and swallow enough pubes to create a
hairball! This could require a trip to your doctor to have a pube hairball removed. Oh the shame of it. Go! Go now! Check your beds. Leave no cover unturned. Protect yourself!

BROKE BITCH FOOT RUB

2007-09-25T10:34:00.000-06:00

BROKE BITCH FOOT RUB.

Do her feet smell like Parmesan cheese? Did he rub them? What did "Broke Bitch" really do with the stolen salad dressing packet?

Mean Manny

2007-09-20T07:46:00.000-06:00

Well, she's definitely improving cause she's getting meaner than goat spit.
Because I have a slight fever (thank you emergency room hock and hackers) I can't go to see her till it's gone. So yesterday I called her to make a simple request. Soon as she answered the phone I knew she was testy.
Manny: HELLO!
Me: Hi. So? How are you feeling now? Any better?
Manny: No! I want 7up and Squirrel is late. She said she'd be here at 3:30.
Me: Ask one of the nurses to get you some. The hospital has soda.
Manny (slurring): I think they're putting something in it.
Me: What do you think they're putting in it Paranoid Polly?
Manny: I don't know. It doesn't taste right.
Me: Oh well. Does squirrel's cell phone have a camera on it?
Manny: No and WHY?
Me: Can you ask one of the nurses to snap a pic of your urine bag and send it to me?
Manny: Oh, HELL no! What are you gonna do? Blog it?
Me: Yeah.
Manny: Well, forget it.

(So I don't have a urine bag pic to go with my post cause Manny's in a snit. Too bad cause it was a great visual.)

First thing I did when I got there the other day was check her bag to see if she was doing any better.
Manny: Why do you and squirrel always go for the urine bag as soon as you get here. Stop playing with it.
Me: I wanna see how much is in there and if it's any lighter.
Manny: No and no. It still looks like something you'd get off a Chinese Buffet. Now put it down before you drop it.
Me: I won't drop it. I just wanna drain that part up there down into here.
Unfortunately at that point I raised the bag too high and the urine went backwards up the tube.
Manny: NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID!

The elderly lady in the bed next to Manny went home yesterday. For some reason she was suddenly in a rush to get out. Guess she was weary of hospital food. Now Manny has a new roomie.

After an extremely impatient, Manny waited all day for 7up, The Squirrel finally arrived with a bottle of ice tea.
Manny: Tell me that's not all you brought.
Squirrel: No. I have Sierra Mist in the other pocket.
Manny: Sierra Mist doesn't taste like 7up. I wanted 7 up!
Undaunted, the Squirrel handed her a glass of ice and the soft drink.
Manny: That's too much ice. It'll dilute the fake 7up.
Squirrel (sighing) Not if you don't pour a lot in there at a time.

Manny took a couple of drinks from the cup and promptly threw up. She does this a lot. Begs for food or water and still can't hold it down. Makes me feel terrible to eat in front of her.

Then Squirrel gave Manny a sponge bath. When she was finished she said, "Now, I'm not washing that part down there. You have to do that yourself. I'm no gardener."

Manny's new roomie who was pretty talkative in the beginning has become very quiet. I wonder if she's sicker? All I know is, I gotta dump this fever so I can get over there and get a pic of that urine bag before they take out the catheter.

A MONDAY TO REMEMBER.

2007-09-19T06:39:00.000-06:00

Monday we took Manny, my sister, to the emergency room. She was in excruciating pain, hadn't been able to hold food down, and had a fever.

For those of you who may not know, emergency rooms are teaming with sick people. Every kind of sick. From the bleeders, to hock and hackers, to my personal least favorite..... the wheel chaired, bucket carriers. Here's a tip: If you are sitting in the emergency room waiting your turn and some one is wheeled in sporting a bucket on their lap......MOVE! Go as far as you can.

After 2 and half hours of waiting we were finally called back. The emergency room is divided into two categories. Much like baseball. You have your majors and your minors. Manny, because she has kidney disease, was in the majors. Understand ...... this does not mean if her kidney was running around on the worn out carpet threatening sick people with a urine-filled sub-machine gun that she would get in any quicker.

Being the blogger extraordinare I am ..... I just happened to have my camera. The first thing Manny had to do after changing into a backless gown was produce a urine sample. This proved to be an impossible task. What you see here is me listening at the door for any sound of urination, while Manny. hidden inside, calls out....."You're not standing right outside the door, are you?" Eventually my feet began to hurt and I started making water noises, hoping to speed things along. Still ...... nothing. One male nurse suggested she squeeze real hard.
Just before they came in to start a barrage of tests Bob happened to notice the dead clock on the wall. "That's a bad sign," he said to no one in particular. "oh no," Manny groaned.
The first blood guy came in and as he leaned down to draw what looked like a quart of blood Manny very seriously told him, "I can smell that alcohol."
"You mean the stuff I cleaned your arm with?" he asked innocently.
"No, the stuff you drank last night." Sadly, making him laugh wasn't a good plan because the blood catching tube came loose and Manny's blood spilled out all over the bed and floor. Manny hates the sight of blood. Especially hers.

When the second fella came in to take more specific blood samples (don't ask me. blood is blood far as I'm concerned) Manny who's pain had become more intense began telling this poor guy that she had a living will and her sisters were allowed to pull her plug.
"What plug?" I asked playing with the setting on my camera.
"The life support plug! Squirrel has 1st dibs, you're second, and I put Bob in there just in case you and squirrel wimp out."
"why does Squirrel get first dibs?"
"I DON'T KNOW. JUST BECAUSE! DOES IT MATTER?"
"Well, you don't have to get all testy about it. You don't even need Bob on there cause I'll unplug you. I'm a busy woman. I don't have time to sit around watching a sick person."
At this point the young man taking blood looked at Bob for reassurance. Bob nodded and simply said, "The whole family is crazy. You learn to live with it."

After another 3 hours of testing and Manny complaining about the fact that her underwear didn't match, (she was also wearing granny panties which she failed to mention but I noticed when she got up to try and give another urine sample and her gown flew open) a doctor came in with the verdict. Manny was being admitted for acute renal failure.

The past couple of days have been bad ones. Manny continues to be very ill and in pain. Though I must admit they are giving her some crackerjack pain meds. This morning Manny's kidney began to function at a more normal rate. It will be awhile before she's out of the woods but this is very good news. At last we are headed in the right direction.

Yesterday I told her she looks really good even though in truth she looked like a beached blow fish. Hopefully soon she won't be so puffy or we'll have to come up with a new blogger name for her. Puff Manny?

CRABBY DANCES by Jake

2007-09-14T16:00:00.000-06:00

While Crabby is busy

2007-09-14T09:34:00.000-06:00

Crabby is busy making her interview movie for you. So I thought you might enjoy a little nursing home humor, curteousy of Barman.

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her
wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

'STOP!, ' he shouted in A firm voice.

'Have you got a license for that thing?'

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP!

Have you got proof of insurance?'

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,

'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!'

DON'T NEED IT. DON'T LIKE IT.

2007-09-13T14:00:00.000-06:00

"CRABBY SAYS, "WE DON'T NEED IT."
Know why this guy is holding his head? Cause it's pounding like a bustard. He's just looked at the clock hangin' up there on the sky and noticed, he's late for the surprise party his wife is throwing for her mother. Poor sap. He might as well be a eunuch for the next couple of days. And all because he is not "on time".
What I want to know is, who says there has to be a "time"? The way I remember it, Adam and Eve left paradise wearing a couple of fig leaves. I personally don't remember God giving them a watch as a parting gift.

Yet here we are, rushing around, slaves to time. We not only add up the years since our births but when we croak, those numbers for born and died are prominent on the chunk of rock that marks our "time" here.

Everywhere you look people are rushing like they just caught their butt hair aflame and can't find a water source. Our lives are run by a gadget that was never supposed to be here in the first place. If it was a good idea, God woulda hung a big cock up in the sky where everybody could see it. Well ...... HE DIDN'T! There's light to play in and dark to sleep in and that's that.

LIVELY LUCY WIGGLEBOTTOM

2007-09-12T12:51:00.000-06:00

I Lucy, friend to skunk, wish to share my life story with people (who I love like wienies).
Please watch. I Lucy, am lonely today. Smell like skunk. People do not understand skunk. Skunk good to cuddle. Run very fast. Lucy fast too, like skunk. Lucy chase skunk. Crabby chase Lucy.
Crabby say, "NO LUCY! NO!"
Lucy keep running, running, running. Very happy. Smile big for skunk.
Crabby make scary bad voice. "Peeeeee U! Lucy, STOP!"

BUILD A BEAR WITH HUMANS?

2007-09-06T13:49:00.000-06:00

BUILD A BEAR WITH HUMANS?????

As you all are aware I've been slightly put out by the idea of having Miss Ellie in a jar on my mantle. Quite honestly, Ellie's presence, urn or no urn, gives me the heebies. Makes me feel like she's watching me all the time. Nobody wants anybody's Mom watching them all the time. It's .... just ..... not natural. Some things Mom's don't need to see, you know?

Last night we went to dinner with our neighbors and the subject of cremation came up. Turns out two of my neighbors brothers died and one was cremated. His kids came to the funeral home with tupperware and divided him up 3 ways. Little dad for me...little of Dad for you...arm here, leg there, head over yonder. You get the idea. Each kid took their portion of good ole Dad and did their own thing with him. Understand by now my jaw had already dropped so low it rested wetly in the gravy on my plate of Scottish meatloaf. That's when things took a turn for the bizarre.

"So, they all scattered him in different places?" I asked again.

"Well, no. The daughter keeps her portion in a care bear."

"Say what?"

"You know...one of those build a bears? She had him mixed in with the stuffing."

"Nuuuuuh UGH!"

"Yes, by golly, she did."

"nuh UGH!"

"I can have her bring him over and show you."

"nnnnn no. No thank you."

Let me tell you people, there is no way in HELL I am getting cremated. Knowing my kid, I'd end up in one of those Taco Bell dogs on the dashboard of his car with my head wobblin' every time he hit a bump!

POOP! really.

2007-09-05T14:50:00.000-06:00

Ok. I'm gonna' need some help figuring this out. Possibly more than usual.
With this dandy device here..... do you tippy toe on cat-like feet, sneaking up to the crapping canine .... smoothly slipping it beneath the dropping turds? Or do you medicate the dog with valium or some type of heavy alcoholic beverage so he just doesn't give a crap (pun intended) that you're behind his anus with a cup on a stick waiting for movement? (again, pun intended)
On this one, do we spray directly up the dog's ass, hindering risk of bowel movement... possibly forever? Or ...... do we spray (with teensy bar straw attachment) onto giant steaming pile of dung, until it becomes something, I assume, would be akin to fossilized dog shit?

But the kicker is....after such extreme poop intervention.... why would ANYONE want to buy an entire bag of........... fake dog poop??? Real product. I swear! Hell, I'll freeze up a bag of fossilized Lucy poo and sell it for half price on ebay!

If you thought I was finished....think again. This....oh this is a real beauty here. The doggie cell phone. That's right, now, no matter where your dog is, for the low, looooow price of seventy something bucks.... your dog can hear your voice up close and personal saying....... blah blah blah blah, fido. blah blah blah blah!
CRAZY PEOPLE !
Listen up. Dogs don't understand English. Trust me! The only words they know are....... biscut and weinie.

CRABBY'S NEW OBSESSION. WOOT!

2007-09-04T07:30:00.000-06:00

I know how you all love it when I get into yet another competition. So I went out and found myself a whole new thing. But .... and you're gonna hug me for this .... YOU don't have to vote! WOO HOO!

I spent the whole last two days playing Frisbee Golf! LOVE IT! LOVE IT! LOVE IT! Not any good at it. But I love it anyway.

Here's how it works.... you're in the woods, you, your trusty frisbee, and your competition. The idea is to toss the frisbee through trees, over streams and bridges, tick and snake infested fields, and land that puppy squarely into the wire basket, staying at or under par.

Note the enormous degree of focus I maintain while sizing up the situation. With great care I toss my magical disk.

And do a fine job of smacking thee hell outa this tree right here. Meanwhile my ne'r do well competitors, Bob and Jake, chuckle gleefully.
Later in the game I began to improve. Partly due to practice...partly due to unsnapping my pants to allow my bloated refried bean belly some breathing space. Again.....I take careful aim, fully focused on the job at hand.
The snap is off! Annnnnnnnd............

(I feel certain it was a sudden gust of unexpected wind that sent my loyal frisbee into the tick infested field. Certainly it was no fault of my own as I'm sure you all know.)
For the record ...... THIS is where your frisbee is supposed to end up. And this IS my very own frisbee. You can tell it's really mine because ..... it's red!

My best score out of 2 days was 98. Not even a team of clowns could get me to tell how far over par that is. But I AM NOT GIVING UP! I will beat these guys if it kills us all.

I'LL NEVER DIE.

2007-09-02T07:30:00.000-06:00

Last night I dreamed I was being chased by clowns.
This morning I made the mistake of telling Bob and Jake about the dream because....HULLLOOOO! I friggin' hate clowns. They scare the pee outa' me!

Bob: I don't understand why you hate clowns so much.

Jake: Yeah. What'd a clown ever do to you?

Me: Because you don't know what's REALLY going on under all that makeup. And they have those giant pockets to keep weapons in and stuff! You....can NOT ...... trust a clown!

Bob: What about wooden dummies? Do you like those?

ME: NO! I hate dummies with their fake mouths that go up and down like weird little mouth guillotines. And those glass eyeballs that roll around in their heads? Always lookin' at everybody, sizing them up, watching every move, like freaked out wooden serial killers or something.

Jake: I thought you hated telemarketers.

Me: PAH! Everybody hates them. Telemarketers should be sent to an island inhabited by cannibals with nothing but their headsets and a pair of sneakers.

Bob: So you hate clowns, dummies, and telemarketers? What about Mimes?

ME: practically choking on my coffee: ESPECIALLY Mimes! A mime followed me once at Sea World. Everytime I told him to go away he imitated me. When I tried to turn around and just ignore him people started laughing because he was doing stuff behind my back. I SWEAR I seriously imagined pushing his head into the whale tank and holding it there till the bubbles stopped coming up.

Now, I should have known all these questions were a set up. But nooooooo. In my defense...it was early and I'd only had one cup of coffee.

Bob: you know those coffins that have corner momento plaques for photos of things that were special to a person when they were alive?

Jake starts laughing.

Me: (now suspicious) what about them?

Bob: when you ....er.... move on, Jake and I will get you one and have a picture of a clown, a dummy, a telemarketer, and a mime on each corner.

Jake chuckles.

Me: Oh no you won't! Besides, I don't wanna be buried. I wanna be taxidermied. I already told you guys that.

Bob: We can't. It's not legal in this country.

Me: So take me to another country and bring me back after.

Jake: How would we get you back into this country?

Me: Toss a blanket over me! Do I have to do "all" the thinking around here?

Bob: I can't do it. Having a dead woman on the sofa would hinder my future dating endeavors.

Me: WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DATE ANOTHER WOMAN AFTER ME?

Jake: She has a point.

INJUSTICE? OR OVERSIGHT?

2007-09-01T08:56:00.000-06:00

Because far too often this blogger posts like...totally dumb stuff. I have decided to post one smart person question per week. ....er I mean...intellectual. (spelled it right. I know because I looked it up.)

My question for this week is....... "We set aside one day each year to celebrate Labor Day so....why don't we set a day aside to celebrate the slackers?" Bet nobody ever thought of that before, huh?

WHO'S RIGHT? ME OR BOB?
Had to add this in cause I didn't wanna make a whole new post. Ok....when Bob and I go to the market he often comes up behind me and rubs my shoulders. Today he said..."Boy wonder what would happen if I accidentally did that to the wrong woman?"
One of us thinks he'd get knocked on his can. The other one thinks the woman would lean into it like Lucy getting her ear scratched.
So which do you agree with? Theory one...or theory two?

REJECTED CARTOONS

2007-08-31T15:02:00.001-06:00

I thought you guys might be interested to see every now and then, the cartoons I've done that didn't get published. (often you can see why. LOL!)
These were rejected by Dog Fancy. There are tons more from lots of other types of mags. For every cartoon you get published in the beginning you get 100 back. Anyone who's ever submitted cartoons, articles, or novels, knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Of everything I ever did to make a buck, cartooning and writing have been my greatest joy. I was off to a good start with the cartoons. And often wondered why I quit doing it after finally getting my name out there. ( I honestly couldn't remember) Today I saw the date on one of my returned cartoons and realized what happened. My Mother went into the hospital the day after Christmas, close to the time my cartoons were finally being published. She died two months later. Guess I just forgot about it after that.

Ah, life. She's a weird beastie.

THE DARKER SIDE OF BOB

2007-08-30T05:41:00.000-06:00

Yeah, that's right. Prepare to switch that ole catch phrase from, "Poor Bob" to "Poor Crabby". You all think Bob's an angel or something but the truth is, he can get real testy.
Back in the day, when the only stove we had was a hot plate and the only furniture a bed and a tv, Bob was pretty much the family auto repairman. Everybody came to him when they had car trouble. And he usually could get just about anything running again.

One weekend I remember particularly well. He was working on our car. It was my job to sit in the car and when he called out, "Try it now," I had to turn the key and see what happened. It was a boring and thankless job. So on that day I walked over and got myself an ice cream cone to eat while I sat in there endlessly waiting to turn the key.

There I sat, licking my cone, peering down through the crack between the hood and the body of the car. Bob was so focused! Completely engrossed in car wires and doodads. Unaware of anything around him but the smell of engine grease.

I don't know why I did it. (ok. I do. I thought it would be funny as hell) I reached over and tooted the horn. He jumped like his butt had been struck by lightening thumping his head on the hood of the car with so much force the whole vehicle shook . I laughed so hard I almost wet my britches.

Out of nowhere, Bob appeared at the open door of the car. Squished the ice cream cone into my face and walked away. He ruined a perfectly good ice cream cone! And the clincher...... it ......was....CHOCOLATE!

Poor Bob? I think not.

ADDENDUM (that's a word, right?)

Justacoolcat is asking for help finding a new hair style on his blog. You all know what a caring, giving individual I am. What could I do but.....find exactly the perfect look. Is that little bow precious or what???? You know, it's the little extras that really make a do.

THE VOTE IS IN.

2007-08-28T05:23:00.000-06:00

After careful review Crabby's Cowpie Field must regretfully give Blog Interviewer a unanimous "thumbs down" based on the following points.

An in-depth interview (possibly by web cam) was to be awarded to each of last months top 3 winners. Such an interview would have increased traffic and brought in new readers which in turn would have stimulated traffic and voting for this site. No such interview was done.
Twice this month during an active competition The Cowpie Field was locked out of the Blog Interviewer site which made voting for this blog impossible. Once due to band with problems on the blog interviewer site. And once for, "suspicious behavior". Both of these times other blogs competing were able to continue voting during our forced absence.
Suspicious behavior, a subject that without question should be addressed privately in email or by phone, was announced publicly on this blog not once but twice. *Publicly questioning the integrity of myself or the people who frequent this blog is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.*
Any further public accusations WILL be deleted!
In the opinion of this blog owner there has been a good deal of "questionable voting" from all top runners in this competition. It is currently impossible to completely control internet voting. This is the internet and people with access to more than one voting source will get, "creative". It would quite honestly be naive to think otherwise. To select one blog from the many, block those voters, then restore voting with a warning is, again, "unacceptable".

On a personal note, it must be pointed out that I campaigned relentlessly for the votes I got. Not only on the internet but here in my own state as well. Each vote was earned. I do not believe anyone on this site purposely cheated. Nor would they. As Barman has stated, if we had, I'd have a good deal more votes than I do. Unfortunately the public accusation of "suspicious activity" creates for this blog a lose/lose situtation. If I win. People believe I won because I cheated. If I lose, people believe I lost because I stopped cheating.

It is my opinion that Blog Interviewer has literally backed this blog into a corner and in the process insulted every person here and every person who voted for us.

THE CRAB IS GOIN' FOR PRIME TIME!

2007-08-27T07:53:00.000-06:00

Since I know how much you all love me gettin' into these competitions I decided to enter another one. DON'T GROAN! You'll like this one cause you won't have to vote on it.

I'm trying out for Big Brother. Bob and I are renting tapes and reviewing strategies now.

I had to think about it because I'll be gone for 3 months. And during that time I'll have no connection with the outside world at all. There's also the fact that I'll have to give up cheap Mexican food and possibly even be eating something they call "slop" if I don't win food comps. All I know about slop is....it gives you gas something fierce. You WILL be seeing the ugly side of me when it comes to competing for food. Nobody but nobody takes away my vittles.

The upside is... there are cameras watching you 24/7. I live for camera time. The show is on 3 nights a week and showtime runs a live feed several other nights a week so Bob can keep an eye on me. Although I have a feeling from his level of excitement over 3 months of freedom that's NOT what he's planning to do. No doubt my house will become "MAN CENTRAL", filled with goofy men, football games, red meat, fried foods, and burping.

When you fill out the application there are all kinds of questions from what size bra do you wear (new unders????) to what are you afraid of. I am NOT telling them about the clowns. I know this show. If I tell them I'm afraid of clowns or pygmies....they'll put one or both in the house with me. They also want to know if you have a blog or a My Space, what foods you like to eat, how you feel about being watched. yadda yadda.

I have to take a complete medical and mental exam from their own doctors. Not to fret, I think I can fake my way through the mental one. The medical one I have to start working out for so I can be in shape not only for the exam but also so I can hold my own in the endurance comps with the young peeps. (which primarily populate the show).

So, if I make it in, are you guys gonna watch? STOP GROANING!

Cat, here's your reward for voting. (nobody but nobody, tell Milky I kidnapped her absolute man)

I HAVE A 6TH SENSE!

2007-08-26T07:29:00.000-06:00

Barman pointed out a discrepancy in the post below this one.

At 8/24/2007 6:31 PM, barman

No, no, no Crabby. You said ...

She fell and couldn't get up. By the time they found her she had drown in her own drool.

Later you said ...

I was fortunate to be with Gramma when she passed. Her last words to me were, "Win one for the Gripper."

See what I mean... it must be all your grieving.

Of course being a modest person, I wasn't going to tell but... ok... I will. The 100 percent truth is........

WE SEE DEAD PEOPLE!

It's true. Dead people talk to me....er...us. In fact, dead pets talk to me too. Remember that little dog you had as a kid? The one you loved sooooo much. Well, she/he....is telling me to tell you guys......... PUT YOUR CUTE LITTLE FINGER RIGHT "HERE" CLICK AND GIVE POOR PENNILESS CRABBERS AN "I LOVE YOU CRABBY", THUMBS UP VOTE.

For those of you groaning....... there are only 5 more days of voting left. If you vote me to a win I will do my very first striptease dance ever (as far as I know) on video, right here.

GRAMMA DIED THIS MORNING.

2007-08-24T09:02:00.000-06:00

It was a senseless, tragic, accident. She fell and couldn't get up. By the time they found her she had drown in her own drool. The, dear, dear, woman. How she must have suffered. If only she'd had one of those medic alert necklaces with the button on it. Sadly last months contest did not have a cash prize so I couldn't loan Gramma the 50 bucks "and" get my new camera. Life is so unfair!

What can I say about my Gramma? Most of us referred to her as, "The Gripper". She had terrible bouts of constipation due to her passion for various yellow cheeses. Consequently she left quite a noxious trail behind wherever she went. Some of the family shunned her because of that rotten egg smell. But not me! I loved my Gramma. I always rubbed mineral oil on her bloated tummy and gifted her with many dried prunes, while she sang Beautiful Dreamer just for me.

I was fortunate to be with Gramma when she passed. Her last words to me were, "Win one for the Gripper."

Oh, how can I even think about that blogger interview contest now? What will I do with all these left over prunes? I mean after all, it's only 50 DOLLARS. So what if I'm unemployed? What does it matter now that gramma's gone?

But, it was her dying wish. And as bloggers everywhere are my witness, I will fight to win this for, "The Gripper". God bless her!

Now go people. Go and VOTE! GIVE CRABBY A THUMBS UP and when you do comment loud and clear.....THIS ONE RIGHT "HERE" IS FOR THE GRIPPER!

BACK! YEE RAM OF SATAN!

2007-08-23T07:14:00.001-06:00

It can (and has) been said that my family has some...... er.....peculiarities. Truth be told, no known "normies" have fallen from our family tree. Several years ago, just before they invented the wheel, Bob and I were hanging out on campus and found this amazing statue of a ram. It was great! Even had real Ram's wool fur. The eyes were so life-like, you almost expected the little guy to follow you around the store. We thought it was pretty cool so we brushed the dust off our $30 ( a ton of money for us back then) and bought it for the Squirrel for her birthday. (this was somewhere around the time Rosemary's baby and the Omen and that stuff was out.)

If you've ever seen someone smile while swallowing a healthy chunk of road kill, you have a pretty good idea of the expression on her face when she opened our treasured gift. Grimacing, she swore she loved it. (I had my doubts)

A few weeks later we went to visit her at her new apartment. The Ram sat on her bookshelves with a cross the size of a Volkswagon tied around it's neck. Bob looked at me. I looked at Bob.

"Why is there a cross around that Ram's neck?" I asked.

"You'll make fun of me if I tell you."

"No doubt. Still. Why is there a cross around his neck?"

"Because it's evil," she blurted. "and it watches me."

"Have you been smoking wacky weed ?"

The conversation went back and forth with Bob trying good sound reason on her till finally she agreed laughing that it was just a figurine.

A few years later after my Mother died, I was going through her things. Squirrel had told me she'd left the Ram at my Mom's house but...there was no Ram there. So I asked her where it was. It took a few minutes for her to answer but finally she said..... "I buried it."

"Say what?"

"I buried it."

"That thing cost me 30 bucks and you buried it? Why didn't you give it back to me?"

"Because it was evil." She never would tell me where she buried it.

Now you guys probably think this is over but....noooo. The other night, Bob and I came up with a plan. We're gonna find a ram just like that one, cover it in mud and leave it on her doorstep.
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA! Bury my 30 bucks! PAH!

And Manny don't you say a word to her or I won't let you be there to watch when we do it.

If you feel the Cowpie Field is deserving of your vote please do so With just a few days left we find ourselves at a big disadvantage due to a recurring glitch at the voting site.

Current scores are 293 - 225 - 178 with the field in 3rd place. A huge thank you to all of you who voted to get us that far. If you'd like to help us get further (because I am not giving up until this thing is done.) VOTE HERE.

SOMEBODY. ANYBODY. WILL YOU GET OVER HERE AND VOTE FOR CRAP'S SAKE? THESE GUYS ARE KILLIN' ME. where is your loyalty people? haven't I given you all the best years of my life? Yes, I have. 54 and 55. Both prime years. Ask anyone. What am I gonna tell my mother who's lying on her death bed right now when I can't bring home a win? HUH?

WHAT NOT TO DO WITH A BUG ZAPPER

2007-08-21T05:22:00.000-06:00

What you see in this photo is what I like to call, "The Death Paddle". It's a hand held bug zapper people. That's right. Now you can not only smoke little buzzing pests, you can pummel-roast them! Bob got two of these little beauties for his birthday.

As the nine of us, (4 impressionable children, 4 adults, and one idiot) sat around admiring the electric gnat bats, the question was asked..... "I wonder what that feels like?" It may have been the sign pasted directly on the racket that reads, "do not touch while red light is on", that prompted the query. I'm not sure. I can tell you that every man there suggested the other one .... put his finger in it. At one point, Jake picked it up, turned it on, and held his finger in front of it as the small children cried out..."DO IT, UNCLE JAKE! DO IT!" But try as he might, he could not knowingly electrocute his own finger.

After listening to the men taunt each other, watching one after another hold the thing and chicken out, I could take no more. "Oh, give it here, ya cowards!" I snatched it, flipped the electrocution switch and stuck my finger in. "Pah! It doesn't do anything, " I told them.

"You have to slip your finger through the protective wires," the men informed me, encouragingly.
"Wet your finger first!" Jake instructed.
I'm not stupid. No way was I gonna' wet my finger and stick it into what essentially is an electric socket of sorts. No sir. My digit was dry when I slipped her through the protective outer layer into the meat of the device.
The first thing I noticed as sparks flew wildly from the tip of my finger was intense searing pain, followed by the smell of burning flesh. Then suddenly...one of the little kids cried....GRANDMA YOUR FINGER IS SMOKING! I literally had to race to the kitchen and turn on the faucet to put my finger fire out. (btw....somebody had left the tap on hot)

As the entire room guffawed hysterically at my discomfort Jake looked at me with grudging admiration and said, "I can't believe you did that. That's the kind of stuff those guys on Jackass do. You could be on Jackass! Ok. Now stick your tongue in."

Go here to vote Crabby to a win in her final competition for best blog. It's now or never folks because I won't be running again.

I can't get to the blog interview site. When I try I get the following message. "It doesn't look like you've installed WP yet. Try running install.php."
Mails to Mike bounce back to me and yet I get his updates on "new" blog interviews just fine. Several people have told me they can get to the site and vote for anyone but me or Sign. Others have gotten through. I don't know what the deal is but it's obviously hurting any chance I had in this thing. Frankly considering this is the second time that site has cost me votes, I'm becoming more than a little annoyed.

FOR SOME, THE NIPPLE DOESN'T HIT THE SPOT.

2007-08-20T06:58:00.000-06:00

Even at an early age,
crabby yearned
naked cowboy with a lasso
for something
more.
Something
different.
Something
cheap,
refried,
a vote for crabby is a vote for multiple orgasms
with nachos.

THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.
CALORIE BURN CHART.

activity calories
sleeping 6 per hour
watching mindless tv show 1 per minute
voting for crabby 8 per vote
voting for crabby
sign
and gab 24

towit and towith the simple act of voting for crabby will remove aproximately 56 calories per week. Or 168 for all 3 of us. It's a win-win situation. You can use those extra calories to lose weight or put them toward a delectable gooey, hot fudge brownie, with hot fudge sauce, and ice cream.

To vote for Crabby and a hotter body..... Go here and thumb me up.

GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS! HOT HOT HOT!

2007-08-19T09:13:00.000-06:00

naked female mud wrestlers = thumbs up for crabby Here

(It worked last time. Let's try it again.)

Ok taking Lee Ann's challenge. Here is the pic of me in my teen years and one from now.

Are you willing to take the challenge?
slippery naked female mud wrestlers = vote for crabby here

And finally one tiny shameless plug. Please vote thumbs up for me, "crabby" Here.
We'd be ever so grateful if you'd remember Gabby and Sign too. They're both right over there with me.

It's just a teensy little click of the finger on that thumb pointing upward toward major hot sex

DOUBLE WIDE DIRT NAPPER

2007-08-17T06:49:00.000-06:00

Are you tired of giving up half your inheritance to bury loved ones who weren't even "that" nice?

Would you like to catch a friggin break?
oral sex

Then bring your newly dead to Crabby's Dirt Nap Cafe. Home of the Double Wide Dirt Napper. That's right, you can now bury three for the price of one. (they always die in 3's) The newly designed coffin fits two comfortably. But....THEY'RE DEAD! They don't have to be comfortable. We'll squeeze that 3rd one into the foot of the unit for absolutely FREE!

Worried they won't all go at once? No problem. For a low freezer fee, we'll keep your loved ones on ice as they croak. (some slight freezer burn may occur)
oral sex
Furthermore there is absolutely no charge for hair and make up. Cause...THEY DON'T NEED IT! THEY'RE DEAD. Fake flowers (made from the finest tinted bathroom tissue and cake icing) will be supplied with a constant misting of Glade Floral scented room freshener for that realistic touch.
oral sex

We supply a lovely corn field for the actual burial but you will have to dig the hole. We don't do that. Grave markers are not included. You are encouraged to bring your own sign. Anything will do. They're dead. They won't know the difference.
oral sex
Sign your loved ones up now for the amazing low burial fee of 29.99 per head. (headless loved ones will be considered an act of foul play on your part and refused admission)

Thank you.

(if you are in the mood to cast a vote while you're just sitting there doing absolutely nothing anyhow......GO HERE AND THUMB ME UP.)
Hit sign and Gabby too. you'll be there anyway. What's the big?

When Good People Bowl Badly

2007-08-16T17:03:00.000-06:00

I finally figured out how to upload to U Tube. WOOT! And all by myself, thank you very much.

BTW, Jake did really well that day. But, I did better. Why? Because I got "the focus thing" goin' on.

The hyena-like laughter you hear in the background is probably me. Once Ethel starts doing the booty shake, it's all over. LOL!

Hit me here. Hit me hard. I can take it. Just remember to keep your thumb up.

And while you're in there, Gabby and Sign sure would appreciate a vote too.

Children of the Field.

2007-08-15T12:36:00.000-06:00

You guys never cease to amaze and astound me.
The last time we ran in the blogger interview thing, we ran against some pretty stiff competition. I emphasize, "we" because in all honesty, all I do is write the posts. You all make the Cowpie Field a success. It's your baby as much as mine, probably more.

A while back I relieved you guys of all voting responsibility for me. I did that because I NEVER want you all to think that any contest is more important to me than my friends. It's a matter of respect and you have that from me in spades.

But there are some die hard Cowpie children that are still out there voting and basically fighting for a win for this goofy field we play in all by themselves. How incredibly kind of them!

If you guys want to take a victory here for the field, I'll get back in and we'll do this side by side. I will do my very best to make it happen for us. And you all know by now, I don't like to lose. LOL!

But this is not up to me. You are the voters. You're the ones that make it happen. So you tell me, do we want to get back in there this month? Or fade off the top 10 and move on now?

I will be cool with whatever you guys decide. If you're up for it, then so am I. If not....we move along like always.

If you are choosing for the Field to stay in the competition and duke it out let me know in the comments below and also... you can vote thumbs up for not only the field but our other two pals Gabby and Sign, HERE.

A CRAB AND BOB HISTORY.

2007-08-14T11:54:00.000-06:00

Of course I do know and accept that the only person here who will completely enjoy this ..... is Milky. LOL! The rest of you all suck it up. You have to look and pretend to enjoy yourselves.

By the summer of this year Bob finally realized I was, in fact, a girl. Only took me 4 years and the development of chesticles.

This is the only pic of me you'll ever see with my
natural color hair.

Big sexy kiss.
Sadly, grandpa was married to grandma so he maintained a secret stash of whiskey to avoid killing her.
That night he unearthed the stuff just for Bob.
Bob passed out, in his suit...soon as we hit the wedding bed. Don't believe I ever did forgive grandpa for that particular misdeed.

The ONLY time I was ever asked to be a Matron of Honor. Not sure why. And I've often pondered it.

I will admit some minor mishaps during the ceremony may possibly have been my fault. But still.

The second year of marriage was one grand old time, which is how this happened.

Daddy Bob. Notice mini Daddy Bob on left. We had about a year of this when Jake imitated absolutely everything Bob did.

Crab the mom. I didn't have to actually give birth to this one. I'm sure hospital staff everywhere is grateful for that blessing. I'm never good in hospitals. Too many rules.

I ate pizza and drank pepsi the night Jake was born...right up till my water broke. No way I was giving up food on pizza night.

and finally (quit yer cheerin!) That's all folks! If you guys get a minute run over and give Sign and Gabby a vote, will ya? They're ..... OVER HERE .

I ASK YOU.

2007-08-13T05:20:00.000-06:00

Parents of girls, listen up. Is there really a need to spend thousands of dollars on photos like this to preserve your little girls wedding day memories?

Oh sure. The pros use nice settings, yadda yadda. But come on...been there. Done that.

But I ask you, how many times are you gonna see a wedding pic (complete with blood spatters!) of a bride standing in front of a Matador stabbing a bull on black velvet? Huh? And the price.....FREE! I know it's hard to believe but it WAS.

Striking, isn't it? And the best part ... the entire ceremony was held right there. That's right. Every photo, one of a kind.

Meanwhile captured by another family member for the absolute low price of "free"...

has captured the ever popular, "come hither" bridal pout.

You can't buy stuff like this. I mean...who wouldn't want this hanging over their bed? It's such a turn on!

It's Bob's birthday today so I'll pop in and out to visit folks but mostly I'll be hanging with Bob.

PS. I stopped buggin' you guys to vote for me over a week ago because it felt rude. I don't blog to get votes, you know? So what I'm wondering is...why am I getting all these thumbs down votes? Is this blog offensive? Cause I'm certainly no threat to these people if I'm not even campaigning. Not to mention, I have gone to some of these sights to compliment these folks on their work. This makes me think I'm getting thumbs down because people don't approve of "the Field". If that's true, I'd appreciate some constructive criticism to point me in the right direction. Check out the voting HERE

IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE!

2007-08-08T15:12:00.000-06:00

FIRST!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
TO MY PAL
MILKY
WHO PUTS UP
WITH A
LOT
FROM ME.
kiss kiss kiss kiss.

We are gazelles in jungle full of hyenas and lions, people.

Now, I'm willing to overlook a boat load of misdeeds, having a nice little stack of my own piled up in every closet. But there is one thing I will defend and protect with gnashing teeth. My money!

Yesterday at the market.

Standing there, intently pondering the Asian sauces, from the corner of my eye there is movement to my left. I glanced down instantly and see a hand bedecked with enough rings and bracelets to sink a cruise ship, reaching for my purse!
"OH HELL, NO!" I declared, smacking the bejeweled hand away. Six of my dollars were in that purse and a 2 for one coupon for Hollywood video, by damn!
Ready to take further action if required to protect and defend my treasures I plant my feet wide and take a first good look at my opponent. She's like....SEVENTY!
"Is that your handbag?" the old con asks nervously. (well, DOH lady!)
"It looks just like mine," she continued.

The bags didn't look anything alike but I pretended to give the old sting artist the benefit of the doubt. I even apologized for smacking her hand. But you can bet the rest of the time I spent shopping, one eye stayed on the bag, and one on that old lady.

PAH! Take my six bucks, I'll kick your butt six ways from Tuesday, woman. I don't care how old you are.

Speaking of old. Would ya look at this? Wonder how many guys got their eyes poked out back then?

The Crab is out.

2007-08-08T06:24:00.000-06:00

I'm gone.
Webster is in charge.

WHY BLOGS ARE NECESSARY.

2007-08-07T08:25:00.000-06:00

Being 56 I am closer to the good old dirt nap than many (most) of you. Which combined with menopausal mood swings, causes a person to ponder some stuff. And some times it just plain pisses me off.

Today's menopausal bitch-rant is .... Obituaries.

Why do we have to drop dead to get a mention in the local paper? I'm just sayin....if you're dead, do you give a shit? NO!

Why does that final farewell ad focus on what you died of and who survived you? Who cares? Dead is dead. Did ya do anything first besides serve in the army or be a mother and wife? Did ya like cheap Mexican food? Did cabbage give ya gas? Where's the person in the obit??? huh? Who was she/he? Surely a person does more than marry and birth babies!

To make things worse soon as the service is over people are poking through your underwear drawer looking for cash or hidden treasures. If I start feeling ill, you can bet your buns there will be a loaded mouse trap set in mine. See how they like that treasure. PAH!

My feeling here is, if you're that crazy about a person, spend some friggin time with them. Take them to lunch. Send a note and tell them they matter. Or buy the poor sap a computer so they can blog and say it all themselves.

That's right. Blogs are important because it is the only way we get to say, HelllOOOOOO! I'm here. I'm living. I have ideas running through my head. It's a shot at getting some recognition before we croak. Unless of course you get yourself mugged, or jump off a building and survive. So write those blogs. Go on! Get off your butt and go write something for yourself! Or run naked down main street. Be remembered! You matter! Each and every one of you.

I'm in a foul flippin mood.

OO OO...and here's another question....how come we call 'em hemorrhoids and not asteroids. Call it what it is for craps sake!

DOES ANYBODY HERE HAVE CHOCOLATE?????
ANYONE? Hate menopause. hate it. hate it. hate it.

Far as this voting thing goes, I'm not feeling comfortable asking you folks to keep voting over and over. Course I would like you to but, I so completely understand if you are bone weary of the whole deal. You all will be just as important me if you vote or don't. So if you think this blog is worthy of a number one spot and 50 smackers VOTE HERE.
And if you just plain don't wanna, a-ok with me, kids. No worries. It's not why I come to visit, promise. And it's not why I do the "blog thing". I just plain enjoy it. That's all.

Isle blocking boobs and look alikes

2007-08-06T06:20:00.001-06:00

CRAB CAM MAKES ANOTHER BUST!

I swear to you 3 different people said, "Excuse me" to these gals. The one on the left would move her cart just long enough for the hapless shopper to squeeze through. Then she'd put it right back! They stood there for 25 minutes. I know because a Kroger employee (meat man) timed them for me. When I was checking out, they had moved into the cereal isle and were blocking that! There is a cure for isle blocking. If everyone would drop an item or 5 descreetly into the carts of the yammering blockers by the time they paid for their groceries they would be too poor to return to the market for a good long while. Think about it.

The crab cam caught this guy at lunch yesterday. I say he's practically a ringer for Nick Cage. Bob and Jake say no way.

What do you say?

PS. I am setting up a new blog so hang with me and be patient. Takes me awhile to figure things out. But, I am soooo all over it. I think.

HERE YE! HERE YE!

2007-08-04T09:03:00.001-06:00

I call to a jury of my peers to hear the facts and cry "The Crab is Innocent, by damn!"

Now look closely at this photo. Would you drink this milk? Never mind the obvious smell. Just look at it. Does it look particularly appealing?

Come with me for a moment to listen in on a conversation from yesterday all ready in progress.

Me: Oh pleeease, Bob! I do not abuse you.
Jake: You use us for your entertainment. That's abuse.
Me: Not your business, Jake!
Bob: What about the time you let me drink spoiled milk?
Me: That was over 10 years ago? Are you still riding that old horse? Besides, how could I know you were going to drink it?
Bob: You saw me pour it in the glass.
Me: Well, didn't you notice that it was kinda lumpy?
Bob: Obviously not. I rely on you to keep the food in our house safe. How could I know you were drinking the fresh milk and putting the old milk in front of it?
Me: Well, I wasn't gonna drink the lumpy stuff. DOH!
Bob: Why did you keep the old milk?
Me: YOU TOLD ME NOT TO THROW ANY MORE FOOD AWAY!
Jake: ahhhh. There it is. She was teaching you a lesson. That's why she let you drink it.
Bob: Yep.
Me: For cryin out loud, didn't you notice it stank? Don't you have any sense of smell.
Jake: Mom, he's been smelling your cooking for years. Spoiled milk probably smells like desert to him after that.

Ok people. I put it in your capable hands. Let's decide this thing once and for all. Am I responsible for Bob drinking rotten milk? huh? huh? I think not.

CRABBY LOCKS MIKE IN PORTA JOHN!

2007-08-03T12:13:00.000-06:00

CRABBY LOCKS MIKE IN PORTA POTTY, RACES TO HIS CONTROL PANEL BEHIND THE CURTAIN AT "BLOG INTERVIEWER" and STARTS PUSHING BUTTONS.

As Mike's shouts continue to echo inside the small blue chamber, Crabby, madly pushing one button after another, was heard to mutter......"one vote isn't enough! I need more! I need more!"

When interviewed a close friend of Crabby's looking deeply concerned replied, "I think she's really losing it this time. I mean, she's never kidnapped anyone before. Well, just that one time but nobody really cared. This is serious."

As friends looked on wiping away tears of dread, Crabby cackled gleefully behind the curtain.

If you would care to vote for the demented crab go HERE.

A vote for Signgurl can be made HERE.
And a vote for Gabby can be made HERE.

Note: I'll be going through the blogroll this weekend to remove defunk links to make way for new stuff. So if you've just been on vacation or something drop me a note crabgotgame@yahoo.com

We'll be making a few changes here at the field. We plan to focus on senior citizen porn. (just wanted to see if you were paying attention)

advice...PLEEEEASE!

2007-08-02T12:45:00.000-06:00

I love my dog. But, she's whacked. Truly.
She will NOT go outside to potty unless I stand in the door where she can see me. And some days that's not good enough. It used to be just at night. And I used to think she was afraid of the raccoons and the foxes and things. But now, it's during the day too.

Today she took 2 steps into the yard, turned back, whimpered and waited for me to assure her I'd stay put till she was finished.

I'm a busy woman! I can't stand there and watch her pee every time she has to go. What's wrong with this dog?

I've tried explaining to her that she's a 100 pounds of viscious canine and doesn't need to fret.

I've tried pointing out she has teeth much bigger than mine.

I've even thrown sticks which she normally can't resist. But if she can't see one of us in the doorway, she'll come racing back.

It's offical. Every pet I have ever had has had....issues.

Smilin George humped his bunny till it was so stiff nobody wanted to touch it to put it in the wash.

Creepy Lola was, humpbacked, toothless, ate poop, and till the day she died mothered a latex chipmunk like it was a pup.

And Webster, well, he's just evil. Evil! Not to mention his butt is always hangin' out of his feathers because every time he starts to get a tail, he eats it!

And now Lucy who already sits and begs for paper napkins like they're milkbones, chases her tail till she's dizzy and will fetch a stick even if you throw it out a 7th story window....won't go to the bathroom unless I am clearly visible. I need a doggie shrink. And a bird exorcist.

PS. We tried to teach Webster to say, "Who's yer Daddy?" Know what he says? "Who's yer birdie?" Self-centered little butt barer, isn't he?

EEEK! I'm underlining and I don't know how to stop. Milkmaid! STOP PLAYING WITH THAT HOSE AND GET BACK HERE. I SCREWED UP AGAIN!

ME
Signgurl
Gabby
Vote for all of us. We all need it. And Sign said she'll whore herself out for all 3 of us. So did G-man. (I am not making it up. Trusssst me)

and in all fairness to our other top tens....do yourselves a favor and go check out, "Slick Sumbitch" and "15 minute lunch". Both of these fellas are awesome!

FOLLOW ME!

2007-08-02T07:57:00.001-06:00

tippy.....tippy.... tippy toe.

Psssst. Milky? Is that you? I'm here to give ya support.

wow, this is a side of you I've never seen before.

so....how's it goin? Seen any good movies? They have sky bars in the snack machine out there, did ya know it? Want one?

PS. Had this instant message from Milky this morn and haven't heard from her since. You don't think....maybe she drown before she got to Colon Man?

milkmaid1979: holy shit, that was like drinking half of the gulf of mexico
milkmaid1979: wtf, there is no reason they cant put all that shit in liquid caps for god's sake

crabgotgame: You know everybody else takes the pills. How come you drank that liquid stuff? Did you piss your doc off or something?

this is dedicated....bum bum bumbum!

2007-08-01T15:22:00.000-06:00

I like to dedicate this little post to Milky. Just to take her mind off those irritating hunger pains. Cause....what are pals for? I mean...really?

Dear Milky,
This is your colon.

This.....is your colon hose.

BWAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA!

No really. I enjoyed mine. snicker snicker.

But for tonight don't anybody dare say anything about food. She gets real cranky.

pssssssst. Milky, did ya drink it yet?
Is it too soon to shout...."BOMBSSSS AWAYY!"
Are you getting videos like I told ya too?

FROM ME TO ALL OF YOU.

2007-08-01T08:56:00.000-06:00

GABBY VOTES HERE
SIGNGURL VOTES HERE

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

you guys rock out! Thank you for your votes, your e-mails, phone calls...everything. You are all the bomb! And a special thank you to the non-bloggers who struggled through my mails and instructions on how to vote. (I frustrated them) My pals from way back when, over at Voy, my new pals from My Space and Flicker, and all the other folks who rushed in at the last minute to push us over the top. My friends here at blogger you already know how I feel about you. I said it all below. You own my heart.

Sign and I have repeatedly said this was one hell of a horse race and it was, believe me. By 7 last night my finger tips were numb. But even after I stopped you all kept coming and I can NOT thank you enough.

To my fellow 10, you all ran a great race and it was tons of fun. Tiring for an old person but really fun. Keep on blogging.

The Cowpie Field will be making some changes here soon and I'm hoping you all enjoy them.
I have to load up the mini-cam and get boobs for BT because I promised.
In the meantime....here's a short walk down memory lane that Milkmaid would like to forget. LOL!

Milkmaid gets new job as Wal Mart greeter.
Wal Mart .... out of business.
Coincidence?
I think, not.

"DON'T FERGET YER CART,
BITCH!"

"WALTER! MY FRIENDS AND ME TOLD YOU TO DANCE MISTER. NOW SHAKE THAT BOOTY OR YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEE THOSE HEART MEDS AGAIN!"

And ....well .... this one speaks for itself.

crap on a cracker!

2007-08-01T08:42:00.001-06:00

I was trying to do something. Milkmaid helped and now...well....it's lost.
Hang on. I'm working on it. Why oh why does this stuff have to be so blasted technical?

What thee bloody hell?

2007-07-31T17:54:00.000-06:00

I've gotten 3 invitations in 30 minutes in the crab mail with myspace invitations to join bi-hotties. I don't wanna be a friggin bi-hottie. My motto is...pick a flavor and move outa the line so somebody else can take a shot.
Where is this crap coming from? I don't even use that MySpace account. It's a cowpie field that never got off the ground.
Well, that cooks it. I was gonna post a bunch of boobs for all the boob lovers but I fear I'll get the bi-hotties all worked up again. Poor gals. I know they're awful disappointed. But sometimes you just have to say no.

Oh yeah...if you wanna vote the button's underneath in the other post. If not...fine. Frankly it's like having the starring role in that Mel Gibson movie...you know the one where they rip his body apart at the end? but do vote for Signgurl and Gabby please. Their links are below also. I..... am gonna go watch Big Brother and eat junk.

goodnight to my pals and goodnight to all my fellow bi-hotties. You guys really were cute. Especially the gal with the muscles in her neck...that was really great. yep...just lovely. thank you. thank you for sharing.

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES

2007-07-31T11:46:00.000-06:00

As promised your first look at my new toy. Look left <<
Yeah, that's right. I got cuffs...annnnd a key. WOOT!
And first place I'm taking them is to Manny's to cuff her sorry self to the computer! Then I'm goin after Milkmaid who keeps disappearing when I need her!

Ok. I'm distraught now. Did you know my dead body is worth less that 5 grand? I'm sorry but is that it???? 5 grand? Please, I gave up ice caps!I$4480.00See? I got my information from a valuable source. This place right here. Go see what your worth. And when you come back unsatisified....And you will....Come see Dr. Crabby.

My new "Live Forever Serum" can be preordered by dialing....1-800-EAT-THIS. I wanted my number to be 1-800-eat- this-you- cadaver- cheapskate. But it was too many numbers.

Time to get serious. It looks like we're not heading toward a win here at the field. "IF" you're looking at numbers. But if you're looking at friendships we have it in spades.

I can't even tell you guys how touched I am that you all went to so much trouble to give me your votes every single day. and the folks who came here from Voy and My space and all over, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You all are the best! And I'll never forget your kindness.

Jake, I know you even went out on a limb to tell your friends who know me to give me a look, and I thank you for that. It was a cool thing to do. (I know you hate when I gush so I'll stop)

Bob, bless your heart, you even cooked lunch yesterday so I could go try and drum up votes. I swear you do put up with a lot and I love you for it.

Milky, as always, you went out of your way to try and pull in votes. I love you and you know it.

Manny, you are the best sister ever! And I'll give you a hug when I see you.

Barman, what can I say? You've been a rock and always there to pick me up and cheer me on. You are my very sweet brother and I'm darn proud I adopted you.

Sign, bless your heart. You've linked the crap outa me. LOL! Thank you and I soooo owe you a big hug. Your my pal, always.

Galen, you ornery sweetie you...I can't believe you'd give away free sex to get me votes. God love ya cause I surely do.

Ebezp and Topcat, you guys rock. I know you both voted daily. And I deeply, deeply appreciate that kind of support.

You all have no idea how special it was for me to have this moment in the sunshine. I've never won anything. Never been particularly special in any way. But for these couple of weeks ...well, it just felt good. Really good. Thank you all, sincerely.

Please don't forget to vote for our girls Sign
and Gabby

Pssssssssst. Milky, I clicked something and now my whole screen is full of cowprint. Um.....so....how do I fix this? It's HUUUGGGE! Like a real cow blew up on my screen.

CRABBY NEEDS A NEW GROIN.

2007-07-30T08:27:00.000-06:00

SATURDAY NIGHT

The Crab proves she's still got the moves on the dance floor during a recent wedding reception. A bundle of unbridled energy, Crabby bumps, grinds, and swings those hips on a pair of 3 in heals, by damn!

BOOM SHACKA LACKA LACKA! BOOM SHACKA LACKA LACKA!

MOMMA GOT GAME, BABY! That's right...eat my dirt children. And watch these hips do they're thing! WOOT!

Sunday morning.
The following ad is seen in the local newspaper.

LOST: 56 year old groin. Last seen on dance floor. Please return to old woman with cane. Thank you.

Finally in recent news, the government dietician (screw it...Milky's not around to tell me how to spell this) diet person..... has just reported that pork is NOT the other white meat. It's red. Like beef. Health conscious folks should stick with Crab.
Sooooo.....Vote Crab....the other white meat. Click photo to vote.

(for our folks on drugs click picture of crab with face above. Do not be afraid. See cow interview? See thumbs? Click thumb pointing up at your ceiling. that is good thumb.)

Also folks don't forget to cast your votes for SIGN
and for GABBY
They are both in a mad dash for 3rd. Give them your vote and get them there, PLEASE! Personally I'd like to see us in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. I'm no quitter. Don't you be. VOTE PEOPLE! VOTE!

ps. I've linked one of fellow top 10s. He's funny as hell and I think you guys will enjoy reading his stuff. So go visit, Slick Sumbitch. He reminds me of someone. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Guess what I have?

2007-07-28T06:15:00.001-06:00

Go vote for me with a thumbs up and Monday I'll show you what I have. Here's a clue....it's the very last thing anybody would ever trust me with.
Yes, I am bribing you shamelessly. Have you seen how far behind I am? Please go give me a thumbs up guys.
THUMBS UP FOR CRABBY

INTERVENTION NEEDED!

2007-07-27T07:58:00.001-06:00

Now see? This is why I love the homeless folks. They eat my cooking and love it. You can tell by the looks on their faces!

Yesterday Bob got a phone call from a friend who told him (get ready to blow chunks ladies)
"Every night when I get home my wife has dinner ready for me. I never know what she's going to make but it's always delicious."
Bob: You just tell me this shit because you know I'm stuck with Pam's (crabby) cooking.

At lunch Bob proceeds to tell me alllll about how this gal serves her husband the best meals and how excited the guy is just to go home at night to see what he gets to eat.
ME: GeezLOOeeze! I'm gonna have to talk to this gal. She has no life! She could be playing video games, reading books, talkin' with her buds.
BOB: Maybe she enjoys making her husband happy.
ME: Laughs hysterically.
BOB: You could be a good cook if you'd work a little harder at it.
JAKE: Dad, come on. Look at what we're eating. You're dreaming.
ME: Well, I don't know why you're complaining. You guys used to love my cooking. Remember my sizzling rice soup?
BOB: Was that the soup with the hard chunks of chicken in it. Sure I remember it. I chipped a tooth on that crap once.
JAKE: No. That was a dumpling you chipped your tooth on.
ME: Anyhow, I used to surprise you guys with new recipes too. But you were ungrateful so I stopped. Plebbt!
JAKE: YOU MEAN EXPERIMENT NIGHT! I HATED EXPERIMENT NIGHT!
BOB: Tofu war sue gai. (shiver)
JAKE: Remember that stuff that looked like a giant turd on a biscut?
With this, both men got up from the table, mumbling, rinsed their plates off and disappeared back to their offices. I ..... went back to blogging perfectly satisfied. I'm guessing nobody will suggest I work harder at cooking again for awhile.

If you would rather not get chocolate chip tofu cookies with your other Christmas cookies this year.

..... VOTE FOR CRABBY HE RE and give the Field a big fat thumbs up!

and don't forget to also vote for our friends Sign and Gabby. You can vote for all 3 of us. We don't cancel each other out and we'd like to make it to the final 3 together. So pretty please lend a finger and cast a thumbs up vote?

VOTE FOR SIGN
VOTE FOR GABBY

PLEASE RELEASE ME. LET ME GO.

2007-07-27T06:36:00.000-06:00

Cause I don't love you aneeeeeeee-mo.

I heard it through the grapevine (yes I am into old songs today matter o'fact) that I had 132 votes last night. This morning I have 107...last time I looked. I accepted that 18 would be eliminated due to cheating. But is everyone who votes for me cheating? I also have to wonder if there isn't a whole lota cheating going on in the other camp. Lots of votes in a very short time generally doesn't add up to....angelic behavior on the part of a competitor. Is equal monitoring going on? And if so, is it possible my competitor is smarter than me? (ok....that one pretty much goes without saying and does not require an answer so don't anybody be a smart ass. LOL) In any case, no biggie to me.

Basically, what I'm saying here is....this isn't fun anymore. I quit. So stop voting for me. I'll write to Mike and ask him to withdrawal the field from his top 10 list. So if you see us removed that's why. Not his bad or anything. Just me wanting to continue to have a good time.

PS. On a more important note: I'm looking for folks to join me in an intervention for some poor gal who is spending all her time cooking for her man. And he's bragging to Bob about it.
This is making me look bad.....ok...worse, in the cooking area. She has to go.....er...I mean...she needs liberating.

TROUBLE AT THE COWPIE FIELD

2007-07-26T08:19:00.001-06:00

Barman began to suspect they might be at the wrong party when he felt the man next to him grip his left buttock. G-man, however, continued to party along gaily, completely oblivious to the blunder. Meanwhile back at the Cowpie Field people partied hearty and occasionally wondered aloud...."What thee hell is keeping Barman and G-man?"

Back in Texas, Milkmaid suffering a severe case of PMS, bitch-slaps a little girl's frog at the annual frog jumping contest because it was croaking too loudly. Later the little girl told reporters tearfully...."I heard this weird accent and then....and then.....(sniff sniff) This hand came out of nowhere and slapped my frog till he pooped himself. (sniff....SOB)

Posing as a judge in for the top final 3 interview contest, Olga the toothless felon, was able once more to convice Crabby (who obviously will do anything to win) to marry her yet again.

Vote thumbs up for SIGN HERE
Vote thumbs up for GABBY HERE
and for the love of Pete....or Olga, depending on your preference
Vote thumbs up for CRABBY HERE

Let's take our family to the top 3! WOOF WOOF WOOF!

MOUSE WARS!

2007-07-25T12:08:00.000-06:00

Looks cute, doesn't he? Yep. That's what I used to think too. Right after we moved in 7 years ago Smilin George had a little mouse, this cute, trapped in a corner of my office. I made him let the little fella go. I didn't tell Bob because I knew Bob would kill it. Bob hates mice. I thought I could catch him in a box or something and go turn him loose in the woods behind our house. For two weeks I tried to catch him and damned if he didn't outsmart me at every turn.

Then Bob spotted a mouse upstairs. His first words to me, "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't know anything about this."
"Um."
"That's what I thought. Just tell me this, how long have you been harboring this mouse?"
"Not long. Couple weeks, tops."
"Well, by now we have more than one. You never have just one mouse......." and so the "talk" began. I don't know how long it lasted....felt like days but it ended with...."We're going to Lowes for Decon." I fought him on this. I did not want to poison the little mouse. Just catch him and release. But Bob got his decon and 15 minutes after he put it under the sink ...... it was gone. The mouse had become mouSES and my nickname became...dirt for brains.

This weekend Bob and Lucy were out back when all of a sudden Bob comes running in happy as a clam and say's...."Lucy caught a mouse. She's the reincarnation of Pierre come back to me." (another story for another day and I'm the bad guy in that one too.)

Soon as he said it I remembered that I'd seen some little black pellets in the corner of the kitchen floor. I was a tad concerned because these cute little varmints do damage like this and worse. I know. I've seen their handywork.

Today I found pellets in my pot holder drawer. I tell you, when a critter poops in my pot holder drawer, I get pissed. But it was when I found the bottom eaten out of my creamer, the creamer they're not planning to carry anymore. My favorite creamer. The reason I have coffee in the morning. Well.........THAT MEANS WAR! I bought traps and some stuff they say is better than cheese or peanut butter. (I doubt it) I'm using all 3. We'll see which one catches the first mouse. I'm gonna break their little necks, reload, and break some more. NOBODY CHEWS THE BOTTOM OUTA MY COFFEE CREAMER!

Vote a thumbs up for Crabby HERE
and don't forget Sign HERE
and Gabby HERE

CRABBY'S "DON'T DO THIS" FILE.

2007-07-24T13:27:00.000-06:00

It hurts me, literally, to be in a position to have to say this out loud but......... if you ride around in a convertible all day on Sunday, do NOT experiment with a level 2 tanning bed on Monday. Even if it seems like a really good idea and it's 5 dollar tan day. Cause when you're standing there and all of a sudden you think to yourself..... "Gee, this felt really good at first, but now it kinda feels like a giant is ironing my face. hmm. what up with dat?" That's cause, your face is, in fact, burning like all the embers of hell.
Then you might NOT want to follow that up with the special $10 Mystic spray on fake tan. Oh sure, you'll look and feel just dandy when you leave. It won't be until several hours later that the following conversation takes place over yet another lovely meal shared with the guys.

Jake: Hey Dad, look a Mom. ha ha ha ha ha!

Bob looks up from his dinner plate, turns to me, and his mouth drops open..."What the hell happened to you?"

Me: What's wrong with me?

Jake: Did a bottle of iodine explode in your face?

Me: No.

(insert roaring laughter from both men)

Me: SHUT UP, JAKE!

Bob: You look like an Indian.

Jake: With glass eyes.

Bob: NO! You know what she looks like? With those new contacts she looks exactly like a dead fish that's been parboiled.

Jake sniggering like a hyena: Yeah! one of those fish you find washed up on the beach after a couple of days.

(insert more roaring laughter. )

It was at this point I realized my skin felt like I'd been sprayed with liquid pepper. I didn't want to give the two clowns the pleasure of knowing they got to me so I sat there eating my dinner, completely ignoring them and working my sudoku puzzle. pleebbbbbbt!

But soon as dinner was over and Jake had gone, I ran to the bathroom. And stubbed my damned toe on the door jam which hurt like a bastard. It took a couple minutes of hopping around and cursing before I got a look at myself. "Son of a sea serpant! My face is the same exact color as my hair!"

I am red..... and orange....everywhere. I look like a mutant tomato with eyeballs and fingers.

The thing is ... I knew, I shouldn't go into a level two bed when all I ever do is the spray tan but, I dunno. There's some chip burned out in my brain or something that causes my good sense to be completely over-ridden by impulse. Simply put ..... I wanted to see what would happen.

PS. I wanted to thank all you guys for voting for me. I truly do appreciate it and am honored that you would take the time to not only vote but leave all those great comments. Considering you guys all have blogs, jobs, and lives of your own that you're busy with, it's just beyond kind of you to go to so much trouble. So thank you again most sincerely.

PPS. to keep the Cowpie Field in the lead because you KNOW we'll be chased like a Hooter's waitress running butt nekid through a men's college dorm...... VOTE THUMBS UP HERE

(and don't forget our pal Gabby. She has an interview too and so does Sign. So, sue me, I'm linking them for your vote too. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha! Yeah, I know, I'm worse than those Jehovah's Witness dudes that come to your door and won't leave.)
VOTE FOR GABBY HERE

VOTE FOR SIGNGURL HERE

ATTENTION! HEAR YEE! HEAR YO!

2007-07-23T08:05:00.000-06:00

G-man will give free sex to anyone who votes for me. Now go vote and get back here so you can take a number and get on the list. CLICK THIS SENTENCE GIVE THUMBS UP TO CRABBY AND GET FREE SEX FROM G-MAN.

bonus....ebezp has offered up "freer sex" for the person casting the tie-breaker vote. Which will be (unless something goes very wrong and in my world that's not uncommon) the very next thumbs up vote cast.

If the tie breaker vote is cast by a man then...I am offering Milky up for free simulated phone sex.

crabby turns, throwing a cautious look over her shoulder, then runs like a cheetah on steroids.

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN WEEKEND.

2007-07-21T05:18:00.000-06:00

Here at the Cowpie Field, I am declaring a weekend of politically free speach. This weekend a midget is a midget, not a "little person". Old folks are old folks. They're not seniors any more. And I further suggest they have not been seniors since graduation.

I further decree, declare, and say towith and towoot.....belching, farting, and opening your pants after a big meal is perfectly acceptable.

Toss on your grubbies, leave all that political propaganda your head has been crammed full of over the past many years at the door. This weekend at the Field......YOU ARE FREE MEN AND WOMEN.

UNRELATED BUT FROM THE HEART:

I am deeply touched by the fact that you guys have voted me into the number two spot. (for those of you who don't have a clue what I'm talking about (again) go ...... HERE

As a couple of you know I was told I would never make it to the top of that list because there is a gal on there that likes to be number one and has the numbers to hold it. (she does too) LOL! So I was just hoping to stay on the list for more than a day at number 10 before I got knocked off.

This morning I went over and I'M NUMBER TWO!!!!! And that's "all" because of you guys. Kinda goes to prove that real friendships are more powerful and enduring than any popular "put down blog, huh? We see so much of that on the net. People being unkind to other people in an attempt to get laughs and hits from their audience. It's so easy to get behind that computer and take shots at people less fortunate. And oh so easy to make yourself look good to get those numbers up.

For me, it's about you guys. You make it all matter. YOU make it worth the time sitting here and clacking away. You all are the best. And I sincerely thank you for taking the time to vote me a thumbs up and take me so far up that chart.

PS. I included free sex in the label just to see what would happen. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha! So sorry to disappoint if anybody comes by looking for ....... um..... product.

BOB MAKES MISTAKE! (no lie)

2007-07-18T12:23:00.001-06:00

So last night we had another "visitation"..... meaning, another old person in Bob's family dropped dead and we had to go look at them. By now you all know that my own family has some weird-assed funerals. There was the time my cousin came in with her new breasts and had everybody feeling them to see how real they felt...even better the time......

but I digress. This one, isn't about my nutty family. It's allllllllllllll about Bob. That's right. Mr. nice guy, who manages to keep his head when all others are flailing about madly....screwed up.....not once...but....TWICE! Do you love it???

Now understand, I only get pleasure from this because every single time we get together with friends he LOVES to tell them about the time I sent him to the wrong funeral. Boy was he pissed when he got back......but...I digress again.

We get to the visitation.... which is deep in the heart of the South end, in a little funeral home my grandmother used to frequent as our hard drinking, chain smoking, drug using relatives dropped off like flies. She got a huge discount for quantity. We walk in expecting to be greeted by family members like usual. But the only person standing in the hall is this massively tattooed fella wearing a muscle shirt, dirty sneakers, and a pair of jeans, cut off to make shorts. It's immediately apparent that shaving has not been high on his priority list for the past 3 or 4 days. Nor has hair combing or teeth brushing.

"Oh there," Bob says, pointing to the scruffy looking fellow. Then he proceeds to walk up to the man with this big friendly grin on his face and say......."Well, hi there. How have you been? You remember, Pam, don't ya?" (I'm Pam) At this point, I swear to you, the man's mouth formed this perfect O, his eyes got really little and squinty like he was trying to focus but couldn't quite get there. That's when it hit me. Bob was faking. He didn't have a clue who this guy was. So I took the heat off the guy before he strained so hard he accidentally crapped his britches or something and said, "I really doubt he does, Bob. He was drunker than a skunk that night." Now....this fella brightens right up and says...."Oooohhhhh, yeah! That night." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Later standing by the coffin Bob looks down at his dead relative and says (this is true, I swear) "She looked a lot better at Mother's service."

I looked at him. Looked at her, and said, "That's cause she's dead, Bob."

I think he's losin it. I do. One day he's gonna wake up and he'll have my brain and I'll have his.

THE BIONIC CRAB.

2007-07-16T13:48:00.001-06:00

It's official. I'm having a mid-life crisis and.... I'm in friggin' menopause. Translation: I got nuthin to lose. Which is why when the eye doc told me I need bi-focals I wigged out. "BI-FOCALS???????? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I WILL NOT GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT. SCREW YOU!"
That's how I ended up with...... one eye huntin' and one eye fetchin'. See, I can't read or see you if your sitting across from me any more because...they say....(I personally think it sucks) but they say, age causes your something or other to shrink. MEN! TAKE A BREATH. IT'S IN THE EYEBALL NOT YOUR BRITCHES. Anyhow it screws with your ability to see close. Well sir, I passed on the bi-focals and came up with my own solution. Contacts. One to see close and one to see far. Sadly, these past few days of walking around with one eye over here and one eye over there has resulted in numerous bruises and damaged toes. None of them mine, thank the Lord. I refuse to give up or give in. I AM NOT GETTING BI-FOCALS! Today I ordered my real contacts. And.... I'm getting a color! WOOT! That's right. I'm gonna have panther eyes. Go ahead and laugh. Everybody else has. But it's my mid-life crisis and damned if I'm not gonna enjoy it.

Speaking of huntin' and fetchin'. Check out what's happened to my toes! The two toes in the middle have split. Damed if they're not cheating on each other with the big toe and the nameless toe. (the one right next to the little toe.) Basically my toes now look like a wishbone with a foot on it.

It occurred to me that if I show you guys some skin you might go vote for me. So here ya go and now that you're all hotted up.....go give me a thumbs up ......... VOTE FOR CRABBY HERE

VERRRRRY FUNNY.

2007-07-12T11:24:00.000-06:00

Every time I try to escape into the bathroom for a quiet afternoon......er........natural process, either Jake, or Bob, or both, decide they absolutely have to talk to me right that second.

Today I managed to get in there, open my book, and even heave a sigh of relief when my tortured ears hear......"MOM! Isn't it about time for lunch?"

Me: Go away. I'm busy!

Bob: What are you doing in there?

Me: What do you think I'm doing? Stop talking to me. I can't concentrate.

Bob: Are you blogging in there? It's lunch time!

Jake to Bob: Oh. I get it. See? We're not speaking her language. If we want to communicate with her, we have to talk, "blogspeak". It's all she understands now.

Bob: ohhhhh. You know I bet you're right, followed by a knock on the door. "Hey in there, LOL!"

Jake: LMAO!

Bob: IMO, it's time for lunch.

Jake: IMHO, you need to answer us.

Me: FU!

Bob to Jake: What does she mean by that?

Jake: Hang on. I'll go look it up.

Speaking of looking things up, if you wanna read my interview which I typed out all by myself because Milky was nowhere around to help with the hard questions....go.......HERE!

PS. I voted myself a thumbs up. The other vote out of the two I got is from Milky. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha! Um.....no pressure or anything but you guys can give me a thumbs up too if you really want to.
pssssst. Milky??? How was that? It was subtle? Right?

CRAB WORK HISTORY

2007-07-11T06:20:00.000-06:00

While taking Mikey's interview a question came up asking if I work and what I do. It made me think. Truth is I've had some memorable jobs.

So I've decided to run a series on jobs I've had. If you have a weak stomach, or are easily offended, you might want to skip these stories.

That said, sit down, kick your shoes off and let's start with.......

Dog Grooming.
Length of employment 1 days.
Difficulty level (on scale from 1-10) = 7
Payoff -$74.32

Never one to start a project without a proper education, I bought myself a book on poodle grooming. I already had a dog that sort of resembled a poodle so I didn't need to hire a model. I also bought a lovely set of doggie clippers.
Arrived home, unpacked new work tools, chased dog around sofa several times till panting wildly, I gave up and decided to lure her with a wienie. The real trick to dog grooming is...ya gotta be smarter than the dog.
The hum and buzz off the clippers immediately put the dog off. She wanted no part of it. She pulled. She pushed. She rolled herself into a ball like a potato bug. I persisted.

"oops. oops. Sorry. hold still. Be a good girl. DON'T MOVE, DAMN IT! Ah, hell." On and on it went for oh.....over two hours of shaving, scissoring, and wrestling. But I have to tell you at the end of that time I had an extremely original looking dog. She very much resembled a lion who'd been attacked by 4 grizzly bears. Her long tail was butt nekkid....her butt.....resembled the back end of a baboon. One ear was shorter than the other. And I'd forgotten to trim that 4th leg. Otherwise, it wasn't bad. So I called my first client. Miss Ellie.

I picked up Ellie's dog. Ellie was thrilled to have me doing her pup because I was charging less than the groomer and Sam the dog was crazy about me.

It was just after I'd began the bathing process when the phone rang and Ellie said, "Don't forget to express her anal glands."

"Huh?"

"Oh Sammy has to have her anal glands cleaned every 4 weeks or she has leakage."

"What kind of leakage?"

Ellie told me but I didn't believe her so I got my book and looked it up. Sure enough. There was an entire section on how to empty the anal glands. Basically what ya do is ... you squeeze the critter's anus like a zit until stinky juice spits out. Now, no dog worth their alpo and milkbones is gonna stand there while some jackass squeezes the hell out of their dung hole. It's NOT natural people! And no self-respecting human is gonna put their face next to a dogs pooper to make sure the stink juice comes out. I did the only thing I could do. I cleaned the dog up and lied my ass off. I know the dog appreciated it.

And that....was the beginning and end of a beautiful career in....dog grooming.

Pssssst. C'mere.....

2007-07-09T12:27:00.000-06:00

I took my mini camera into the Mystic Tanning booth at LA TAN to intimidate the lady who hides inside that blasted booth somewhere. I don't know where she is because you can't see her but I know she's there somewhere because she never stops nagging me.

"Place your hand in front of the sensor to open the door. Place your hand in front of the sensor to open the door. Place your.....

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Chill. I'll be there soon as I'm finished lookin' at myself."

"Place your hand in front of the sensor....."

This computer obviously doesn't realize I had complete instructions from a real live human already. They're very good about giving you helpful tips and stuff so you don't come out looking like a zebra. Sadly, my A.D.D. forces me to say...."ok. ok. Yep, I've got it," even though I have, in fact, been busy looking at the pictures on the wall.
This is my tip tray where they leave me money if I pay attention so they don't get a bad rap if I come out of there with polka dots or something.
(k. I'm lying again.) No tips. It's for your jewelry.

Hair net. That goes over your hair so it doesn't get sprayed. First time I did this, I'd push one side in and the other side would fall out. I mumbled a lot of foul language after the 5th go 'round while in the back ground the hidden computer lady kept naggin' at me to get my ass movin'. (not her words.) She's very polite. Nothing like me.
I finally figured out if I tied my hair in a pony tail and then put on my head band, the hair net thingy would slip right over, no problemo.

Slight moment of embarrassment during my human instructions. The gal told me, you "should" take off ALL your clothes. I dickered, not wanting my nether parts to be out and about. Then wisely pointed out the lady in the picture on the poster had her bathing suit on.

"I think that was just for the photos," she explained, patiently. "But you can leave your underwear on if you want to. The tanning solution will wash out."
First time.... I left them on. I must tell you they were the richest shade of bronze when I got out. Now as you can see....I take it off baby. I take it all off. Bob is lovin' the all over tan. Sometimes at night....... I speak Spanish to him. Drives him wild! Course all I can do is count to ten. But honestly....I only have to make it to five to get him going.

TaaaaaaaaDAAAAAAAA! Instant tan. And in a few more hours it will get darker. It lasts 5 to 7 days. At first not as long for me because not being much of a girly, girl....I hadn't been moisturizing. But they give you pretty specific instructions there to let ya know how to keep the tan going. So now I'm all soft and crap. Can you believe it? I'm turning into such a priss! But I have to say this is pretty cool. It's risk free....no cancer worries. No aging before your time. Just a nice even all over tan. And the best part....on Mondays it's only $10. You can also find pretty sweet coupons on-line.

That's what I did this morning. This afternoon.....got even better.

NEW DIGS. BEATING THE SYSTEM. PICKEL ART.

2007-07-06T05:17:00.000-06:00

I've had my say on internet block heads. I had planned to take this blog private but there are too many folks out there who visit that wouldn't be able to if I did. So here's what I've decided to do. I won't be posting as frequently because I've decided to spend the summer having adventures which I've already begun and am enjoying ...LOTS! I will post once or twice a week and I'll be by to visit my buddies, cause, they're my buds and I'd miss them otherwise.

From here on out, internet crap that falls on my door goes public. I will name, names, be absolutely shameless, and giggle my buns off the whole time. So have a care what you mail me. Any perv pic I get...they get too. You kooks out there think you got the market cornered? PAH! My entire family fell off a nut tree. Trust me, anything you do, I can do better. There. Done.

I will be starting a new blog posting some of my experiments this summer. Some of which I wouldn't recommend any of you guys try to duplicate for reasons that will become obvious to you.

For now, here's what's up.

Jake's pickle art is, as you can clearly see, out of control.
Payback will be a bitch.

During my recent birthday celebration I somehow....dunno, can tell ya, figured out that if I snap a flash pic at these targets....they all score as hits. Bells go off, lights flash. I had Bob shoot one of the rifles, hoping to get tickets with my new cheating scam but he chose a rifle that was out of tickets.

It wasn't long before the gathering crowd and all the commotion attracted the attention of the store manager. Oddly, he just stood there watching and shaking his head. Bob says he could be heard to say, "Oh let the old lady have her fun." Don't know if that's true or not but I like the sentiment. If everybody would just stand back and let me have my way, the world would be a better place.

Jake and my friend, Ethel taking their turns at virtual bowling. A game which once again got out of hand. We're a competitive lot.
I won't bore you with the details but several injuries occured that night which included, bruised thumbs, numb fingers, a banged knee, and hands that became so sore we could barely use them.

Very fun!

Though we try to control him, once again Fred wandered off and found the desert tray. We found him here, drooling over the triple chocolate cake until someone finally came and took it away. (sigh) It's always something with Fred.

And now for your viewing pleasure and at great personal risk to myself, I present the MUST SEE, movie........ <"VIRTUAL BOWLING CLOWNS"

Empty Blog

2007-07-03T05:55:00.000-06:00

Well now.

This here empty old lonely blog looks like a good place to have a birthday party.

Ya think?

Happy Birthday Crabby!!!

I get the corner hunk of cake and don't lick the knife either!!

XXXXXOOOOO

Get More at COMMENTYOU.com

CATCH A PISSING SKUNK.

2007-06-21T05:11:00.001-06:00

We have a family of skunks living across the street and Lucy being the cuddler she is has become desperate to make friends with them. Wasn't a problem till yesterday when Momma skunk decided to walk her babies on our side of the road. Lucy saw her opportunity to cuddle with a new critter and.......well.......
The following pics below pretty much show how Lucy's day went.

Big stick. Good stick.

Find stink weed. Fun to roll in stink weed. Make Lucy smell like real dog. Not like puffy foo foo dog with bow on head across street.

NEW
NEIGHBORS!
GOOD TO CUDDLE.
LUCY WILL LOVE THEM
AND HUG THEM
AND KISS THEM
AND PLAY WITH THEM.

UGH OH!

LUCY NOT ALLOWED IN HOUSE. NOT ALLOWED CLOSE TO CRABBY. NEIGHBORS WON'T SCRATCH LUCY'S EARS. UPS MAN SAY, peeeeU!

LUCY ALL ALONE.

FINALLY!

2007-06-20T10:23:00.000-06:00

As you all know by now, my brand new car, (not even 2 months old) has been backed into, pummeled with gravel from an uncovered dump truck, and on the driver's side now bears a 3 inch scratch. No idea who did the scratching but they had white paint.

Well today, HOT DAMN! I got to see a woman park so close to my own car that I sat there wondering...How in thee hell is she gonna get out?

I took my seat belt back off and waited, ready to strike because frankly....I have had enough of this shit!

I saw the woman, sit there in her over-sized SUV and actually seem to consider, backing up and moving over. The parking lot, I swear to you, was empty with the exception of me and two employee vehicles. No reason at all to park right on my ass.

Damned if she didn't opt to try and squeeze her fat ass out of her car. And this was a BIG woman. She had to be 5'10" at least and big boned like a man. Squared off shoulders...wide. There is NO way she should have parked that close.

Just before she got out of her car she looked over and finally noticed me sitting there, watching. So very carefully holding her door the whole time she squeeeeeezed and squeeeeezed to try and get thru that bitty space. And she pulled it off too but..........she didn't make it past my side mirror, which btw, does NOT bend friggin' backwards!

I was outa my car so fast she didn't know what hit her. And I had PLENTY to say. and it felt GOOD! REALLY GOOD!

I don't honestly remember what all I said, only that it was loud. Meanwhile she kept saying she didn't really do any damage which made me more angry. And I can tell you that the Hollywood video folks were inside watching and laughing their asses off. I noticed them soon as I turned away from her. I'm guessing she'll be more careful about crowding other vehicles now. And I suppose I should be sorry for taking all my car frustrations out on this one woman but....SCREW THAT! I'M NOT SORRY!

SO! WAR IT IS, THEN!

2007-06-19T08:28:00.000-06:00

I have told my guys and told them, STOP BUYING ALL THESE PICKLES, PEPPERS, AND MUSTARD! So what did they do? They came home howling like a couple of hyennas with restaurant sized jars of all that crap.

I'm telling you, there's no place to put it. My pantry is overflowing. Even the floor is covered with this crap and the cases and cases of hot salsa they keep ordering on line.

Well sir. Big Momma is takin no prisoners. That crap is all on it's way to pickle heaven.

RECITAL HELL.

2007-06-18T08:07:00.001-06:00

Saturday, our grandkids, were in what must be now on record, as the world’s longest dance recital. 10 hours. 3 kids. 1 Mom. All in different dance lines scheduled throughout the day. To catch one performance of each would require no less than 3 hours of butt numbing attendance.
Interesting note: Out of the 50 songs and dances we endured, our family was in ……6.

When we arrived Bob’s x-wife was already there along with her husband. Bob has what I like to think of as “social disease”. It requires him to stop and talk and visit with anyone he knows. Why? Because according to Bob….”it’s just polite.” I myself am not afflicted with, “social disease”, so I had no problem moving on to try and find what ever seat would be the least torturous. Sadly, there weren’t any.

To say the recorded music was loud would be like calling a tsunami wet and windy. I’m pretty sure I saw one of my ear drums rolling down the aisle during the “Ho” number. The seniors chose their costumes from Fredricks of Hollywood. (not kidding) and their music…I can only assume from, Ho Rap productions.

I confess I did snicker a little when, during one ballet, I looked over at Jake and saw him staring ahead, vacant expression on his face, his mouth hanging slack. And laughed out loud when the lady next to him began to lean into him so she could yell, “TIWANNA IS IN NUMBER 22! I SAID….TIWANNA IS IN NUMBER 22! DID YOU HEAR ME?” ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha! Talk about a wake up call. I think Jake mighta’ peed a little.

Payback didn’t take long. I was solidly drifting in my own mind to far corners of the world, when the woman next to me screamed, GO TIFFANY! WOOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOO! I reminded myself that she was just a proud Mom and I should be nice. Right up until she started doing the damned tap number in her seat along with Tiffany knocking into my left leg and spilling my water all over my lap.
“LADY, KNOCK THAT CRAP OFF!” I asked, politely.

The last part of the show is a blur to me. Only part I remember is Bob talking into my ear. “Are you sleeping?”

“Only during the slow numbers.”

I’d just like to say, I hope and pray these kids drop out of dance SOON. I hate this crap. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT.

PS. My ass hurts like a bastard.

WHEN LIFE DUMPS ON THE WRONG CRAB!

2007-06-14T09:08:00.000-06:00

It was bound to happen. Happens every time I vow to be a better more compassionate human being. Life takes a great big steaming crap on my person a couple, 3 times and, blamo, the nice me whimpers....."oooo. can't we just be sweet to each other?" Which elicits an immediate negative retching reaction from my other personality. And.....THE CRABOLATOR emerges.

In the past several days Bob and I have worked "alone" cleaning out Miss Ellie's apartment while one sib, micro-manages from another state and the other sib and his bride have turned into the amazing disappearing couple. This is NOT a small amount of work.

Fine. I can deal. I just go in there, keep on workin' and get her done.

However, that's not the ONLY thing that's happened. My brand new car has been hit twice in 3 weeks. The first time some idiot in a dump truck was hauling gravel "uncovered"! The gravel flew out of his truck. We got whacked a number of times one of which put a nice little bullet hole looking series of cracks in my windshield. Would the guy pull over? NOPE!

We followed him back to the quarry where he tried to get out of taking responsibility, the little toad! (he lost)

Second time: Once again at Ellie's cleaning and packing "alone". One of her neighbors (in a nearly empty parking lot) backs into the front of my car. (important note: to do this she had to back all the way ACROSS an empty parking lot. Mind boggling, isn't it?) The good news here is, you can now easily see how they attach the side panel bumper to the main part of the car.

Bone tired, stressed to the maximum of my personal capabilities, I sat statue-like on the floor of the now empty bedroom. I could feel the drool running down the sides of my gaping maw as I continued mindlessly to sit ..... staring....staring...staring, until finally I got up and pronounced to Bob. "I'm going home now."

DON'T YOU DARE STOP READING HERE! IT'S NOT OVER.

In the car, Bob tries making conversation. I hear his voice but from far, far, away as I notice up ahead of us....yet another dump truck, this time with a covered load ..... only....it's not all the way tied down. All of a sudden debris begins to fly off the back the truck bouncing all over the highway hitting one car after another. Not the least of which, is........go ahead.....guess. Did you guess, MINE? YOU'RE RIGHT! The sound was rhythmic to the point of being almost hypnotizing. click click clickty CLUMP! click click click BING! Over and over. Oddly, Bob didn't seem to even notice. He says to me, "You sure are quiet. Are you ok? You're scaring me a little."

"Fine," I tell him. "Just watching this shit hit my car over and over and over."

"Damn!" he says. "Not again."

Once home, Bob got out to check the now battered to hell, less than 2 months old car, for additional damages. I decided not to look and instead retreated to the one place in the world where I could catch a breeze and possibly regain my sanity. My nice quiet, comfy, new patio on the ravine.

BUT NO, FUCK ME! My neighbor has installed brand new high powered speakers and apparently mounted them on the fence wall between our properties. And his bite-my-ass music is blaring into my yard, the ravine, and possibly.....your house! This is the 3rd night in a row for this crap.

In all honesty, I don't know exactly what happened just then and don't remember getting the gun. But get it, I did. What I do remember is slamming the clip home, taking off the safety, chambering my first bullet and opening the back door with ABSOLUTELY every intention of blowing those speakers to hell. That's when Jake shouted...."HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN'T TAKE A GUN OUTSIDE? ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU'RE GONNA GET ARRESTED! Oh, I don't even want to tell Dad about this one. PUT THAT GUN AWAY!"

I stood there, staring longingly from the weapon to my neighbors yard where now his 3 idiot dogs had begun barking. Nice little back up to the blaring music. I doubt he heard the dogs.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I shouted.

Jake laughed but stood firm on the gun issue. "Put the gun down, Mom. I'm serious. You won't like prison. If you just talk to the guy I'm sure he'll turn the music down. Have you even tried talking to him?"

I didn't comment. Just took the clip out of the gun and walked away.

Today we discovered a big white scratch across the side of my car. The side that hasn't been backed into. I figure the next crash should probably come from the rear since every other side of the vehicle has been spoken for. I don't know when, where, or how. But it will happen. Why? I don't know.

I have been told to verbalize and not internalize. So today I begin....vocalizing. And heaven have mercy on anyone who screws with me. Cause they're gonna need it.

MilkMaid's Princess

2007-06-12T15:09:00.001-06:00

[Glitterfy.com - *Glitter Maker*]

CRABBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Where the hell are ya? Having a heatstroke, ya big yankee wussy? Bwaaahahahahahahaha!

THE FIELD HAS BEEN REVIEWED.

2007-06-07T05:36:00.001-06:00

Ask and Ye Shall Recieve

We received our first review yesterday from this fella, Good'N'Very'Plenty. You should run over there and have a look. We're under the heading, "Mmmmmm, Meat!" Scary title, huh? I was sure Milkmaid and I would end up not only on a short bus but possibly hangin' upside down over a barbecue pit, after seeing that.

Truth is, in my opinion, the dude made several valid points. One of which was our title has absolutely nothing to do with our content. Sadly, my brain doesn't work like everyone else's which makes it easy for me to put it all together neatly in my own head, forgetting that normal "thinking" people might not get it.

I'm pretty sure I'm busted out on the mensa thing. (sigh)

He didn't like our 3 column template. I think Milky and I would agree with that also. It's a little cramped. But Milky says the thing is held together with duct tape and felt overall he was fair on that too. (Now that I know how she does this tech stuff, I am soooo buying some duct tape so I can go behind the curtain and experiment. Duct tape. Who knew? Anybody else want me to experiment on theirs? I'm real creative.)

But enough. Go read it yourselves. And while you're there check out the other reviews. I've been going over to find cool blogs to visit. These folks are blunt, but often dead on the money with what they're saying.

The link is above and they're also listed on my blog roll.

PS. We have 2 more reviews coming. LOL! Yeah, I know. What was I thinking? But come on! You know it's fun. Even if we end up getting our butts handed to us by one of these guys.

In the meantime, a big thanks to, "Ask and Ye Shall Recieve", for taking the time to give us a look.

BARMAN!!!!

2007-06-05T13:34:00.000-06:00

OOOOOOOOOOOOO. There are moments when an on-line, adopted brother is just too damn far away. This would be one of those moments. Imagine if you will, that you get a package in the mail. You open it and ...... these little babies roll out onto the counter. Exactly Miss Ellie's color! LOL!
So if somebody out there gets a hold of barman before I do, tie him up and don't let him go. Big sis has a can of "Whoop Ass", with his name engraved on it.
And who, pray tell, told him what color Ellie's eyes were? Hmmmmm?
I'm so gonna get you, bro. Oh and by the way, Bob thought it was hysterical. You have no idea how close I came to peeing my pants.

In other news today:
As I sat clacking this post out I spotted the first Jehovah's witness for this year approaching my house. There I stood, hiding behind the foyer wall, waiting him out. And down comes Bob to answer the damned knock. "PSSSSSSSST! PSSSSSSSSSST!" I waved, urgently hissing, "BOB NOOOOOO. DON'T OPEN IT!"
Not only did he look back at me quizzically but so did the dumb dog who could easily be seen through the lead glass door.
To all Jehovah's witness's out there who may be offended by this post. Sorry but nobody really likes you guys. Far as I'm concerned you're like cockroaches. Impossible to get rid of without a fight. And if there was a spray for you little suckers, I'd have an economy sized can of it. NOW GET!

THESE PEOPLE ARE MELTING MY BRAIN!

2007-06-04T07:12:00.000-06:00

I have complaints about this death thing. I don't much care it.

For starters, the funeral homes charge for refrigeration of your loved one. WHAT THEE HELL ELSE ARE THEY GONNA DO WITH 'EM? Have a visitation where the beloved departed smells like rotten hamburger?

Second, did you know an Urn for the cremated loved one can cost upwards of $800 smackers? Hell, I can go to Old Time Pottery and find a big pot for under $30. Or, if you're just gonna scatter the person's ashes...how about one of those disposable plastic things people take leftovers home in?

Here's a BEAUT for ya. You get 30 days to pay for the funeral. If said loved one had no money to speak of....you better be able to get your hands on 10 thousand or so, fast. And if you pay up front you can get a discount. Most folks are too far out of their minds to try that. Bob wasn't. He made them deal. LOL!

Then comes the disbursement of the properties. SHOOT ME PLEASE! This is the part we're on. We have a short amount of time to "get her done" or we'll be paying another month's rent and utilities on the apartment. So...perfect time for all the sibs to go completely bonkers. Only sane one in the bunch right now is Bob. The SIL has completely lost it. She wants absolutely everything to stay in the family. Anything we don't want she wants packed up and sent to her. Any idea how much it cost to mail furniture, pots, dishes, clothes, from Ohio to Texas?

In a recent act of defiance I have packed up and mailed off the two bottles of suppository laxatives I found in Ellie's frig when I cleaned it out.

These people better find their brains soon because I'm a busy woman. I have things to do, places to go. I mean....has it occurred to the two brothers just to lie their asses off to the sister? Hell, if they're too distraught or whatever to do it. I'LL DO IT! Just say, "Yes, we have it all in the family." How is she gonna know the difference?

So sad. It always falls to me to do the lying and the cheating. But, come on! Let's face reality here folks. It's the only way to, "get her done!"

NOT IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER!

2007-05-29T11:39:00.000-06:00

Look, I'm a today kinda gal. But I am seriously wiggin over the idea of Miss Ellie being up there on my mantle. Course I KNOW it's not really her, but, yuh huh! IT IS! It was one thing to go with the whole cremation thing. It's what she wanted and that's cool. But nobody told me, I was gonna have custody of Ellie when it was all over.

The first day she was up there I found myself walking over to the urn and whispering...."are you in there?"

I'm constantly looking over there. And when Bob gets frisky in front of her, I freak. I don't say anything but....HELLOOOOO??? SHE'S RIGHT THERE!

One day Bob was talking on the phone with his brother and he said, sadly and sincerely, "I don't think I like having my mother in a jar." I almost choked.

Worst part is when they eventually decide where to scatter her ashes....ICK ICK ICK! What if the wind is blowing the wrong direction or something? What if....Ellie gets in my eyes. What if my mouth is open and I swallow part of her?

If I ever get to where EVER the hell she is....she and I are gonna have SUCH a talk!