It all began Sunday as Bob's colonoscopy loomed nearer over the horizon.
Excerpts from conversation, Day one:
Me: I'm telling you there's nothing to it. You won't even remember it. I enjoyed mine.
Bob: Somebody told me, to clean one of those hoses, the doctor has to stand on a ladder.
Me: Yeah, well, sure it's long. Your intestines are long. But it's not big around.
Bob: So? I have a small puckered anus!
He declared this so loudly that people in the parking lot turned to look. Jake busted out laughing. All the way home from the market I tried to reassure him. And all the way home he fretted and fidgeted in his seat just thinking about it. Then of course Jake had to add his two cents.
Jake: Mom! Men don't want other men poking things in their poopers!
Bob: Yeah, that's right!
Monday followed Sunday with more fretting. Then came Tuesday...the fasting and the horse pills. Bob can't take pills. Not even little ones. When he takes a pill he shakes his head like a baby bird trying to suck down a big worm or something. These pills are HUGE! Oddly, I didn't hear much from him all day.......until we went to bed and he said forlornly and sincerely.......
"I hope I don't shit on you in the middle of the night."
"WELL ROLL YOUR BUTT OVER TOWARD THE OTHER DIRECTION FER CRYIN OUT LOUD!"
Wednesday came....forever to be known as.....BLACK WEDNESDAY. He scheduled for bright and early so I had to function on one cup of coffee. Not good. But then, Bob couldn't have anything so...that was worse...........I say reluctantly.
We get there, me with my one cup of joe barely kicking in, and Bob with his shiny clean colon and the gal says........"Oh. I'm sorry but the doctor was called out of town 2 days ago."
Bob: Why didn't someone call us? The answer to this took awhile but she finally came back with, one of the digits in the number was wrong. Now...here's the good part....we're in the phone book annnnnd..... our family doctor's receptionist desk is RIGHT ACROSS THE FRIGGIN ROOM FROM THEM! They have all our numbers including the cell phones.

So it was decided that Bob would go another day without food and no diabetes meds then come in today at 9:30 am to have a different doc do the procedure.

Thursday (today) came which will, heretofore, be known as, "bad luck can get worse" Thursday.
We wait an hour before they call him back. He goes in...I settle down in the second waiting room and.......well.....wait. Other wives are there waiting as well. One husband comes out...loopy as hell, his shirt untucked, stumbling. The nurse comes out chasing him down....Mr. Wicket! I told you, you're not ready to leave yet. "Bob!" his wife admonishes...."get back in there!" Bob gives her a grin and says...."Pardee poopser." Back in he goes, the nurse holding him steady.

A little while later, Bob #2 comes out, aka...Crab's Bob. The nurse tells me, he may be a little forgetful today. Bob do you recognize your wife. "Yeah," he says pointing to the cute young thing sitting across from me. "That's her!"
"Bob, get your butt over here and sit down!" I tell him. Then I let the nurse know he's been pulling her leg. He remembers perfectly well!
"You devil!" she tells him, smiling. Then she tells me the doc will be out to talk to us soon. And he was. First he showed us a pic of Bob's colon which revealed something I hadn't expected to see and I'm pretty sure neither did the doc. I won't say what...but I will tell you this much.....WE HAVE TO GO BACK AGAIN!!!! There was a tu........ an obstrustion. Which I now have a picture of. Thank you very much for that lovely parting gift.

So...don't you know Bob tried to schedule for tomorrow morning. I argued over it because he's diabetic! He hasn't eaten for two days, nor taken his pills. But he swore it would be ok. And he believes it....know why? Cause he's higher than a kite! Fortunately the doc didn't agree with him. We go back in February. And this time that colon is gonna be clean even if it means I hook up the attachment to the Hoover! Oh and....the next doc....is a woman. Bob said he decided it would be sexier to have a woman shoving something up your butt than a man. Ay yi yi! I'm so glad he doesn't get high all the time.

BTW....the man has been getting away with murder all day long. I can't tell you how many times he's flirted and I didn't kill him.

Labels: buttock hose, manly men, Tiny puckered anus