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It all began Sunday as Bob's colonoscopy loomed nearer over the horizon.Excerpts from conversation, Day one:
Me: I'm telling you there's nothing to it. You won't even remember it. I enjoyed mine.
Bob: Somebody told me, to clean one of those hoses, the doctor has to stand on a ladder.
Me: Yeah, well, sure it's long. Your intestines are long. But it's not big around.
Bob: So? I have a small puckered anus!
He declared this so loudly that people in the parking lot turned to look. Jake busted out laughing. All the way home from the market I tried to reassure him. And all the way home he fretted and fidgeted in his seat just thinking about it. Then of course Jake had to add his two cents.
Jake: Mom! Men don't want other men poking things in their poopers!
Bob: Yeah, that's right!
Monday followed Sunday with more fretting. Then came Tuesday...the fasting and the horse pills. Bob can't take pills. Not even little ones. When he takes a pill he shakes his head like a baby bird trying to suck down a big worm or something. These pills are HUGE! Oddly, I didn't hear much from him all day.......until we went to bed and he said forlornly and sincerely.......
"I hope I don't shit on you in the middle of the night."
"WELL ROLL YOUR BUTT OVER TOWARD THE OTHER DIRECTION FER CRYIN OUT LOUD!"
Wednesday came....forever to be known as.....BLACK WEDNESDAY. He scheduled for bright and early so I had to function on one cup of coffee. Not good. But then, Bob couldn't have anything so...that was worse...........I say reluctantly.
We get there, me with my one cup of joe barely kicking in, and Bob with his shiny clean colon and the gal says........"Oh. I'm sorry but the doctor was called out of town 2 days ago."
Bob: Why didn't someone call us? The answer to this took awhile but she finally came back with, one of the digits in the number was wrong. Now...here's the good part....we're in the phone book annnnnd..... our family doctor's receptionist desk is RIGHT ACROSS THE FRIGGIN ROOM FROM THEM! They have all our numbers including the cell phones.
So it was decided that Bob would go another day without food and no diabetes meds then come in today at 9:30 am to have a different doc do the procedure.
Thursday (today) came which will, heretofore, be known as, "bad luck can get worse" Thursday.
We wait an hour before they call him back. He goes in...I settle down in the second waiting room and.......well.....wait. Other wives are there waiting as well. One husband comes out...loopy as hell, his shirt untucked, stumbling. The nurse comes out chasing him down....Mr. Wicket! I told you, you're not ready to leave yet. "Bob!" his wife admonishes...."get back in there!" Bob gives her a grin and says...."Pardee poopser." Back in he goes, the nurse holding him steady.
A little while later, Bob #2 comes out, aka...Crab's Bob. The nurse tells me, he may be a little forgetful today. Bob do you recognize your wife. "Yeah," he says pointing to the cute young thing sitting across from me. "That's her!"
"Bob, get your butt over here and sit down!" I tell him. Then I let the nurse know he's been pulling her leg. He remembers perfectly well!
"You devil!" she tells him, smiling. Then she tells me the doc will be out to talk to us soon. And he was. First he showed us a pic of Bob's colon which revealed something I hadn't expected to see and I'm pretty sure neither did the doc. I won't say what...but I will tell you this much.....WE HAVE TO GO BACK AGAIN!!!! There was a tu........ an obstrustion. Which I now have a picture of. Thank you very much for that lovely parting gift.
So...don't you know Bob tried to schedule for tomorrow morning. I argued over it because he's diabetic! He hasn't eaten for two days, nor taken his pills. But he swore it would be ok. And he believes it....know why? Cause he's higher than a kite! Fortunately the doc didn't agree with him. We go back in February. And this time that colon is gonna be clean even if it means I hook up the attachment to the Hoover! Oh and....the next doc....is a woman. Bob said he decided it would be sexier to have a woman shoving something up your butt than a man. Ay yi yi! I'm so glad he doesn't get high all the time.
BTW....the man has been getting away with murder all day long. I can't tell you how many times he's flirted and I didn't kill him.
Labels: buttock hose, manly men, Tiny puckered anus
OK, there are other ways to prep other than having to take horse pills. I used a product called Fleet Phosphosoda I believe. It is a liquid.
Here is the instructions if the procedure is in the morning. P.S. Once you have seen this go ahead and delete it (if you like) so as not to clutter up your comments.
Stay on a clear liquid diet . (No solid foods until after your procedure) (Clear Liquid diet on back of sheet)
At 4:00 PM: Drink 1½ oz of Fleet Phosphosoda mixed with a ½ glass of cool water or Ginger Ale. Drink one 8-oz. glass of clear liquid immediately following the Fleet Phospohosoda.
Drink a minimum of three (3) more 8 oz glasses of clear liquid until 9:00 PM.
At 9:00 PM: Drink 1½ oz. of Fleet Phosphosoda mixed with a ½ glass of cool water or Ginger Ale.
Drink at least three (3) more 8 oz glasses of clear liquids by midnight, but feel free to drink as many clear liquids as you want until midnight.
Nothing to eat or drink after midnight until after your procedure.
Another option I have heard of was GoLytely although they may have replaced it with NuLytely. Here is its directions (again not a pill to take)
Prepare the Nulytely ® solution in the morning by adding four (4) Quarts of HOT tap water to the jug. Shake it repeatedly to be sure the powder is completely dissolved.
Then place the jug in the refrigerator to cool.
Stay on a Full Liquid diet until 1:00 PM. (See Full Liquid Diet).
At 1:00 PM: Begin a Clear Liquid diet until 6 PM. No solid food until after your procedure.
(Clear Liquid diet below) .
Do not continue Clear liquids after starting Nulytely.
At 6:00 PM: Take any regular medications and the Reglan® tablet provided.
At 6:30 PM: Start drinking one cup (8 oz) of Nulytely every 10 minutes .
Drink each cup quickly and steadily without sipping or gulping. In about 30 minutes you may feel the need to have a bowel movement.
Continue drinking one (1) cup every ten (10) minutes until your bowel movements become clear of solid particles or until you have finished drinking all of the Nulytely ® . (This process may take 3 – 4 hours).
If your bowels haven’t moved after one (1) hour of beginning Nulytely or after drinking six (6) cups of Nulytely, wait until the first bowel movement and then continue drinking the rest of the Nulytely.
You may experience a bloating sensation, but cramping or other discomfort is quite uncommon.
At 11/01/2007 6:44 PM, 
BTExpress
I hope it all works out come February ..........pun intended. Like you, I didn't mind the colonoscopy. I woke up soon enough to feel the probe sliding out of my ass. Kinda liked it too. Sort of like taking a good dump.
But like Bob, I wished it would of been a woman doing it. Men sticking things up another man's ass just isn't right.
I bet the xray didn't quite show it clearly but I have a funny feeling it's a set of keys Bob swallowed some years back.
Did Bob or you or any member of yer family lose a set of keys?
Hey wait..I thought Bryan said something about losing his keys in Ohio..strange things happen in Buckeyeland.:)
Good luck Bob!
tc
So I guess when you tell Bob to "pucker up" it's going to give it a whole new meaning....LMAO!!
He could always get a tattoo on his back side that says "exit only, severe tire damage"
I haven't gotten to that point of my life yet but it's right around the corner...ewwwwww!
Happy Friday and have a great wknd watching football ;o)
BT, it was the drugs I liked. I was loopy all day after. I had the best time! LOL!
Buddah, let's hope she's gentle. LOL! He's a nervous wreck.
Sign, for some weird reason.....that DOES seem to fit. One of us is wearing off on the other. I hope I'm catching your brain and you're not catching mine. LOL!
Nick, no worries on the whatever. I have a pic of it. It's the "whatever" that you usually find in a colon. His meds and the mess up at the docs caused him to not be cleaned out all the way. Poor Bob.
Lime, I've been merciless with the teasing. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha! But he's so funny, I can't help myself.
Red, I think it's awful he has to wait that long cuz he'll stress over it. You know he will.
Now...this is beautiful....Bob didn't have any choice about who got that pic. The medical folk felt he was too loopy to be responsible or even remember everything so......I WAS IN CHARGE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Don't ya love it?
Hey....I haven't scanned and posted it yet. That's pretty mature. LOL!
TC, now that ya mention it....we have had a house key missing for a really long time. Maybe I should take a closer look at that pic.
Manny, I wanna come play but my big computer is being upgraded. Bob's doing it. I needed bigger hard drives and we upgraded the operating sys. I have a ton of pic and movie work to do and I needed more power...ARF ARF ARF! Should be ready later today. In the meantime I'm on my i-touch. Tiny little keypad but she gets the job done.
Jillie, Exit Only.....ahhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha! Man, I wish I knew a tattoo artist that would come in while they were doing the proceedure and give Bob that tat while he was under the influence. LOL!
I'm looking forward to my football big time this weekend! Football is a very good time.
ebezp, awww. Don't be concerned. Bob is probably a-ok. this is just a routine check up. And the obstruction was provided by mother nature. LOL! I'm just being polite and not saying what it was.
Jillie, this is gonna be a huge game! I can't wait!!!
bry, we are in for 3 weeks of some of the best football the big 10 has seen all year. I'm stoked!
There are some other teams playing this week that I'm seriously into also. I have my own personal picks for the championship bowl game. I know who I'd like to see the Bucks play for sure.
Hey, nice post crabby...
I've been here awhile catching up on past posts. Barmans visit..Blog Drama..Candee..etc..But this one's kinda cute.
I've had many colonoscopy's, Sygmoidoscopy's, etc, and the worst part was taking this stuff called Go-Lightly.HA! thats a joke, you go like Niagara Falls. But it does clean you out real good. Anyway,I think I need a Tim Horton's..
Good luck on the pics..
Go Bucks
Go Blue
Go Crabby..xoxoxox
Manny, I'm heading out to gala football festivities today. There will be much eating, yelling, and assorted obnoxious behavior. (till bob makes me stop)
G....I have been busy. LOL!
I gotta say...I do love my football. I wait all week for Saturday cuz that's the biggest game day for college football. I have 4 teams I'm pulling for. Two of them because I'm hoping we get to play them in a championship bowl.
I had that go lightly stuff first time around. I call it, liquid dynomite.
At 11/04/2007 4:12 PM, Spoony Quine
` Go Bucks!
` Go Bob in February, again and again! lol!
` Gee, why the heck do they have to knock you out just to stick something up your ass? That makes no sense to me, especially since a) I would enjoy that and b) those drugs can really screw up your mind.
` My friend had his gallbladder removed last weekend and afterward he was having this hallucination where he was at this convention where he was saying all this mathematical stuff to the rapt audience - meanwhile the doctors were thinking 'this guy must eat, breathe and sleep math!'
` As for me, that stuff doesn't work right and I can feel exactly what they're cutting into, I just can't move or scream during the procedure. Then, it's a few days until I can even sit up, and for a few weeks I need to be pushed around in a wheelchair.
` Also, I get amnesia for a few months, so all I know is that something horrible has happened to me and I'm an alien on a strange planet with a bunch of weird people who I think must be my mortal enemies. It's really scary and weird until my memory starts coming back again.
` If I ever get a colonoscopy, I'm going to tell them 'no' for general anesthesia! No way anyone is going to change my consent form again!
Jillie, I have to tell ya, after watching your badgers play this weekend I'm thinking less and less of the critics who say they're over-rated because they haven't played any difficult teams. They did a darn fine job, IMO. My Bucks get the same crap from the critics. Or at least they were. Frankly I don't see how Penn State beat your guys.
See, I had my first colonoscopy before they perfected the meds and I can tell you it hurts like a bastard when they start twisting that hose around in your intestines. I'll take the meds any day and twice on Tuesday if it'll keep me from going thru that crap again. LOL!
You know, the only saving grace of getting a colonoscopy was the demerol they pumped you full of... last time I had one it hurt like hell, so I asked the nurse what the heck was going on... she looked at my drug line and said "oh sorry, it was kinked and you didn't get any at all". The procedure was over by that time, and man alive, I was peeved. Oh, and whoever named the Go Lightly had a sick sense of humor... ha ha ha ha.
Check your shoes before you leave.
Do I really want to be first to post on this? I just don't know...