Thursday, November 29, 2007
Manny and I talked and we wanna switch things up for the holiday season. Make changes. Kick some ass (or arse) if you're from England, Ireland, or Scotland.
We're busy, damn it. We got no time for posting on our own blogs everyday, doin' the holiday hubba hubba dung, and still have time left over to visit other blogs. Something had to be done. And we done it....almost.

We want to open a JackAssery Community Blog and send our blogs on v'cation till after Christmas. But only if we get a few more people to volunteer to be JackAssery Admins too. If you're slammed during the holidays, have trouble keeping up with everything that has to be done this time of year, but still want to stay in touch with your blogger pals, visiting and such.....the JackAssery Blog could be the answer.

Here's how it works. We each take a day of the week and post some totally off the wall, short, dumb post. The rest of the week we're each free to visit friends on other blogs during our spare time and maybe even get some holiday crap done.

Now, if nobody wants to voluteer. We like, totally understand, totally.
Oh and if you see a flaming bag on your doorstep be sure and stomp that puppy out. (just a safety tip)

JackAssery Admin

1. We take turns posting.
2. We only post JackAssery type stuff.
a. Why farts are smart.
b. The sneeze. A mini-orgasm for the nose?

3. No post over 3 paragraphs long. JackAsserfists have short attention spans.
4. Pictures with the post are good. JackAsserfists like pictures.
5. Movies posted should be under 3 minutes. A JackAsserfist might fall asleep and hurt themselves when they fall outa of their chair. Then .... BOOM! we're down a commentor.
6. The JackAssery Blog will be open only during busy holiday seasons or for special occasions. It will be a place to just come in, take your hair down, get crazy, and be as stupid as you want to be. No pressure. No political correctness. No rules. All topics fair game.

Warning..........SERIOUS CRAP is a bad idea on a JackAssery blog! If yer dog dies and you just gotta talk about it, you better be using that sucker for a footstool or something else that'll entertain the simple minded. We don't like serious during Christmas cuz we're already tired, overworked, and in a bad mood. We need cheering up.

Now one other thing and this is kind of important. You gotta tell us if you want to be part of this thing either as a just a commentor or an admin. Cause only the people who tell us ahead of time will be listed on the blog roll.

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posted by Crabby at 8:31 PM | 19 moos from the field
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
All bloggers who apply and qualify for the first ever, JackAsserfist Blogger Association..... (see and apply in post below to find out if you qualify. We're particular. You must have JackAssery skills and be willing to have photos, yours or your pets, displayed in JackAsserfists videos made by me. An honor and a privilege to be sure.)

where was I? Hang on................

Oh yeah, will be receiving in the next post, their new JackAssery names. And will heretofore, in any JackAssed post be known only by those names.

smarty-pants people need not apply.

Thursday addendum: I'm slammed with work over here. (please feel sorry for me. I like that) Anyhow, while I'm playing catch up...if you all look to the left ...I write with my right hand so...yeah...the left.....where my "vote for me" button has been, you'll see I replaced it with something a little more meaningful. And it's fun to do. If you click on that button it takes you to a site where you can test your vocabulary skills and at the same time donate rice to hungry people.

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posted by Crabby at 9:20 AM | 22 moos from the field
Monday, November 26, 2007
As 3 of us sat around the Thanksgiving table, bloated, coffee cups full, sale ads spread hither and yon, Jake said to Squirrel, "The internet is a wealth of information and these two," he says, looking first at Manny, then myself......."choose to use it for JackAssery."

Manny and I looked at each other, eyes widening, then simultaneously burst into uncontrollable guffaws of joy as we high-fived each other.

Me: "We're JackAsserfists. How cool is THAT dude?"
Manny: "Sweeeeet!"

Jake: "You're proud of that?"
Squirrel "You can't get throught to them, Jake. They've always been like this."

Manny: "We're the best JackAsserfists ever!"

Me: "Let's start a JackAssery Association!"
Manny: "Yeah, and only Jackasserfists can get in."

And so it is, that I hereby, towit and towith, announce the beginning of the very first and only JackAssery Blogger Association.

To get an idea if you qualify for the first and only JackAsserfists the badly made film below. If you relate to any part of this movie, you "may" be a future member of the "JackAssery Blogger Association". If you can not relate, well......then you can't come in cuz.....there's a "no smart people allowed" rule and we can't break it even if we like you cuz or sophisticated folks are kind of a downer. But...not to fret...your dog may still be a potential member.

addendum: The song on this video is all Jake. If you guys would like to go sample his music or download, it's free. He has some Rolling Stones and Dylan covers over there too. Lot of stuff. Here's the link so you can go hear my kid. Course he gets all that talent from me. Let me know what you think. And maybe give him a comment or whatever.


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posted by Crabby at 5:37 PM | 32 moos from the field
Thursday, November 22, 2007

Have a great Thanksgiving, my buddies. Here at a the crazy farm things are running out of control as always. Only...this time ..... I HAVE VIDEO FOOTAGE! WOOT! At least from last night's portion of the prep work. LOL!

Today appears to be getting off to a similar start as I find myself stumbling into the bathroom to cook. The scary part takes me a minute to realize there's no stove in there.

Ah, well. Back to work.

You guys enjoy today and don't eat yourself sick. Oh hell. Go ahead. It's only once a year.

I'll post last nights bickering and cooking, soon.
posted by Crabby at 8:09 AM | 20 moos from the field
Friday, November 16, 2007
The best damn rivalry in college football. And considering all the You Tubes puttin' the hate on my Bucks you all had to know....I would strike back. Fish gotta swim, ducks gotta quack, frogs gotta ribbit...and I gotta get my fingers into the mix even if they get snapped off.

To my Michigan friends...I love you guys. And this isn't personal, but you all know we are gonna take sides on this. Manny and I are Buckeyes born and bred. And we're gonna back our Bucks with everything we got.

To anyone from Michigan who is lacking a sense of humor, or worse, has a gun and knows where I live, just don't even watch this boring old video. Go out to eat or something. Have fun. Make your own video! LOL!

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posted by Crabby at 1:28 PM | 67 moos from the field
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Caution: this video contains an old lady in a bathtub and .... my singing. (which could be damaging to your ears) It also contains the voice of a foul tempered parrot yelling at me in the background for singing and piano.

ADDENDUM: I'll be busy shopping for avatar boobs if anybody needs me. I need more hits. And boob people always get hits. So...I'm gettin' boobs.
Personally, I think Milky needs some too. Maybe I'll find a pair for her as a gift.
K, I'm busy. I got boobs to find by damn!

posted by Crabby at 2:15 PM | 52 moos from the field
Monday, November 12, 2007
I hope you all are sitting for this because I actually have something serious to say. (no I'm not kidding)

During my life time...which is a verrrrry long time...I have taken on a goodly number of just plain "labor" type jobs. I've cleaned houses, washed people's dogs, done their ironing, and oh yeah....I've done the store clerk and server thing more than once. And that's why I have first hand knowledge of what it feels like to be demeaned by another human being who is trying to impress their friends, or just feels.....entitled. If you haven't done a physical labor job, you may be ignorant of the fact that (especially servers) are demeaned on a regular basis often enough by managers who are dumber than dirt. They are asked, nay...ordered, to mop floors, scrub walls and counters, and carry things bigger than they are on a regular basis. And when I was serving they made appoximately $2.10 for the effort. So basically a server's entire wages depend on your generosity.

One unkind statement, one person demeaning you publicly, can ruin an entire night...and is not forgotten even years later. Being unkind to others just because we can is nothing to be proud of. I am driven to post this because I witnessed this kind of demeaning of a woman "trying" to do her job by other "women" today at the market. Women....please...we should be supporting each other, not tearing each other down! (unless of course the other person is an ass)

So as yet another holiday season approaches, while you're out shopping or grabbing a quick bite to eat... remember what I am about to say to you. Cause nuthin' anywhere close to wise is gonna tap off these fingers again anytime soon.
An act of kindness is not only a gift to the receiver, but to the giver as well.
It is "free", uniquely yours to give, and will be remembered by the person who received it, long after you've forgotten doing so. So if you give nothing else this year, give a kind word, a warm smile, and be patient. This ....matters more than anything else you will do this holiday season.

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posted by Crabby at 3:12 PM | 21 moos from the field
Friday, November 09, 2007
For your edification, I give you 39 seconds of both sexually stimulating and, belly turning, video.

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posted by Crabby at 11:45 AM | 15 moos from the field
Thursday, November 08, 2007
interviewer: So Crabby, is it true that after years of avoiding housework in every creative fashion possible, you now must clean or die? You have an allergy to dust "that" severe?
crab: DOH! No I'm just cleanin' my butt off cuz it's my new hobby. Hell yes, it's true! Life has kicked me in the ass so many times I'm sportin' a butt crack the size of the Grand Canyon. But this, THIS, is cruel! And I'm not allergic to dust. I'm allergic to sh#!"
interviewer: Um. I am sorry Crabby but w
e don't use that word here.
crab: POOP! Can I say poop? I'm allergic to dust mite poop. Tiny little microscopic turds, shat out by the dust mite. And apparently there are millions of them all over my house. And I have to clean it up. But first I'm gonna kill the little bas.....

interviewer: Yes. Yes. Thank you. We get the idea. You recently went on strike against the men in your house for buying pickles?
crab: Oh HULLO! It was a lot more than pickles! They got a Sam's club membership back in August. They started buying restaurant sized jars of pickles, peppers, and mustard. Wheels of cheese. Pounds and pounds of fat bacon. You could
n't even see the floor of my pantry! And my frig???? FORGET IT! Nothing would fit in there anymore. It was a nightmare. So I stopped cleaning the frig and the pantry. Went on strike.
interviewer: Two days ago you stopped the strike and what did you find in the refrigerator?
crab: The portal to hell.
interviewer: I bet they were grateful you came off that strike and got back to work.
crab: Yeah well, you'd lose that bet, missy. When I bitched about the mess I had to clean up and told them I was officially off strike....they were confused. They didn't know I was ever on strike. MEN!

interviewer: So how does it feel to live in a dust free house now?
crab: How thee hell would I know? I've only finished two rooms.
interviewer: But you've been working for a week. You must be finished with at least a floor of the house? How dirty could your house have been?
crab: Ah, hell. There they go again. Multiply like bunny rabbits. 'scuse me.

Crab: You were sayin'??
interviewer: nothing. That was all.

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posted by Crabby at 9:19 AM | 27 moos from the field
Monday, November 05, 2007
This one isn't my fault. I taught her the sit and down....Jake taught her the crawl and scoot. So's not me you want. Get Jake. He did it. Uses that poor defenseless animal for his own amusement. Shame! SHAME, I SAY!

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posted by Crabby at 4:15 PM | 25 moos from the field
Thursday, November 01, 2007
It all began Sunday as Bob's colonoscopy loomed nearer over the horizon.
Excerpts from conversation, Day one:
Me: I'm telling you there's nothing to it. You won't even remember it. I enjoyed mine.
Bob: Somebody told me, to clean one of those hoses, the doctor has to stand on a ladder.
Me: Yeah, well, sure it's long. Your intestines are long. But it's not big around.
Bob: So? I have a small puckered anus!
He declared this so loudly that people in the parking lot turned to look. Jake busted out laughing. All the way home from the market I tried to reassure him. And all the way home he fretted and fidgeted in his seat just thinking about it. Then of course Jake had to add his two cents.
Jake: Mom! Men don't want other men poking things in their poopers!
Bob: Yeah, that's right!
Monday followed Sunday with more fretting. Then came Tuesday...the fasting and the horse pills. Bob can't take pills. Not even little ones. When he takes a pill he shakes his head like a baby bird trying to suck down a big worm or something. These pills are HUGE! Oddly, I didn't hear much from him all day.......until we went to bed and he said forlornly and sincerely.......
"I hope I don't shit on you in the middle of the night."
Wednesday came....forever to be known as.....BLACK WEDNESDAY. He scheduled for bright and early so I had to function on one cup of coffee. Not good. But then, Bob couldn't have anything so...that was worse...........I say reluctantly.
We get there, me with my one cup of joe barely kicking in, and Bob with his shiny clean colon and the gal says........"Oh. I'm sorry but the doctor was called out of town 2 days ago."
Bob: Why didn't someone call us? The answer to this took awhile but she finally came back with, one of the digits in the number was wrong.'s the good part....we're in the phone book annnnnd..... our family doctor's receptionist desk is RIGHT ACROSS THE FRIGGIN ROOM FROM THEM! They have all our numbers including the cell phones.

So it was decided that Bob would go another day without food and no diabetes meds then come in today at 9:30 am to have a different doc do the procedure.

Thursday (today) came which will, heretofore, be known as, "bad luck can get worse" Thursday.
We wait an hour before they call him back. He goes in...I settle down in the second waiting room and.......well.....wait. Other wives are there waiting as well. One husband comes out...loopy as hell, his shirt untucked, stumbling. The nurse comes out chasing him down....Mr. Wicket! I told you, you're not ready to leave yet. "Bob!" his wife admonishes...."get back in there!" Bob gives her a grin and says...."Pardee poopser." Back in he goes, the nurse holding him steady.

A little while later, Bob #2 comes out, aka...Crab's Bob. The nurse tells me, he may be a little forgetful today. Bob do you recognize your wife. "Yeah," he says pointing to the cute young thing sitting across from me. "That's her!"
"Bob, get your butt over here and sit down!" I tell him. Then I let the nurse know he's been pulling her leg. He remembers perfectly well!
"You devil!" she tells him, smiling. Then she tells me the doc will be out to talk to us soon. And he was. First he showed us a pic of Bob's colon which revealed something I hadn't expected to see and I'm pretty sure neither did the doc. I won't say what...but I will tell you this much.....WE HAVE TO GO BACK AGAIN!!!! There was a tu........ an obstrustion. Which I now have a picture of. Thank you very much for that lovely parting gift.

So...don't you know Bob tried to schedule for tomorrow morning. I argued over it because he's diabetic! He hasn't eaten for two days, nor taken his pills. But he swore it would be ok. And he believes it....know why? Cause he's higher than a kite! Fortunately the doc didn't agree with him. We go back in February. And this time that colon is gonna be clean even if it means I hook up the attachment to the Hoover! Oh and....the next a woman. Bob said he decided it would be sexier to have a woman shoving something up your butt than a man. Ay yi yi! I'm so glad he doesn't get high all the time.

BTW....the man has been getting away with murder all day long. I can't tell you how many times he's flirted and I didn't kill him.

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posted by Crabby at 9:23 AM | 30 moos from the field