Monday, July 31, 2006
My name is flitterbit. I am a sweet and kindly sprite. I share the wood with my friends Harold the Hummer and Bernie the Butterfly.

Harold hums all the time. hum hum hum. Some times I want to smash his little head under a rock, but I never do because I am a good girl.

Bernie has a gastro-intestinal issue. It's disgusting and occasionally I imagine myself holding his head under the creek water until he stops squirming ...... but of course I would never do such a terrible thing.

Mostly, I just sit on my rock and think of all the good I can do in the world.

I love everybody. And everybody loves me.

A well known woodsprite calling herself Flitterbit was picked up today by authorities for the brutal slayings of Bernie the Butterfly, Harold the Hummingbird, and Gilgood the nanny goat.

"You never know with these wood sprites", commented Police chief Raymond Rustapecker, "one day they're all peace and love, next day they're coming at you with a meat cleaver. Ask me, ya can't trust any of 'em."

Note: Flitterbit was later released for lack of evidence and may now be residing in YOUR garden.
posted by Crabby at 4:13 PM | 20 moos from the field
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Don't look too close if you are easily offened. This is smilin' George after humpin his bunny.

He's obsessed with sex. Humps every toy he owns. And he doesn't care who's watching. All Smilin' George knows is feels damned good.


I've missed and entire Thursday. It was total physical check up day. I've been poked, prodded, pricked, measured, weighed, and run my arse off.

When Doc got in postition to do the Pap I told him, "I probably should let you know now. I had Mexican food last night."

"Great, " he says.


"Sure you are," he tosses back sarcastically. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha!

He deserves it. He keeps making fun of my automatic transmission. Says what's the point of having a sports car if you're not gonna shift.

PAH! If ya shift, ya gotta think. Who wants the think when they're driving, I say.
posted by Crabby at 2:01 PM | 28 moos from the field
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
The following is a public service freebie brought to you by the friendly "folk" at Crabs incorporated.

Interviewer: So Crabby, it came to our attention that you became quite annoyed recently.

Crabby: Yes, John. That's correct. I popped a nut.

Interviewer: What caused this, do you think?

Crabby: (demurely looks down at her hands folded politely on her lap) You mean what was the thing that finally sent me off to La La land?

Interviewer: Yes.

Crabby: (hands fisting. Knuckles whitening. teeth grinding) It was when the contractor after 3 months finally came with an estimate for my porch, and forgot to add in walls and a roof. But I'm all over it now.

Interviewer: Yes. I can see you're doing much better. How did .....

Crabby: And when I mentioned that, he said, "Oh that's nothing. We can add that later."

Interviewer: So how did.....

Crabby: Then I found out that it took him 3 friggin weeks to get pricing.....OFF THE INTERNET! HE DIDN'T TALK TO ONE ELECTRICIAN OR CARPENTER OR ANYTHING!

Interviewer: But you recovered your composure and....

Crabby: Then my i-pod broke. The dog got the runs. I tripped over 3 pairs of my husband's shoes which are "always" on the living room floor, and fell into the little knight in armor on the fireplace. I've got friggin knot on my head the size of Bizmark! Then...THEN.... I got my finger caught in the pocket door!

Interviewer: Should we do this another time?


Interviewer: (scoots his chair further away) So how did you regain control of yourself and get that stress back under wraps?

Crabby: I took some time away from home. It's good to get out of the house.

Interviewer: Is it true that you had an altercation with an elderly lady at the Dairy Queen?

Crabby: (takes deep breath) There was a moment, yes. (ps. I think you mighta spelt altercation wrong)

Interviewer: Did you tell her she'd be able to sit more comfortably if she took the stick out of her wrinkled old ass?

Crabby: I might have. I don't remember now.

Interviewer: Spectators say you went on a five minute rant saying if people had to pass an IQ test before they could file lawsuits that the number of lawsuits in this country would be almost non-exsistant.

Crabby: (eye twitching) The old bag wanted to sue DQ because her ice cream birthday cake was mislabeled! WTF!? It's a fuckin cake, bitch! Remember ...... A lady at McDonalds sued them cause her coffee was too hot? COFFEE IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING HOT! And what about the people who put a finger in their chili and sued Wendy's? GIVE ME A BREAK!

Interviewer: (now stands, worriedly as camera men also begin to back away) But you are better now, right?

Crabby: Oh hell, yeah! I'm good. Calm. A-ok.

Interviewer: Do you have any advice to give other people who are currently suffering from stress?

Crabby: Yes. Get out there in the world, find a deserving asshole, and let them have it.

Interviewer: I'm sorry. We can't write that. We could be sued.

Crabby: SEE???? That's what I'm talkin about!
posted by Crabby at 6:57 AM | 30 moos from the field
Monday, July 24, 2006
It all started well enough. As you can see I sat in the front row, groom's side. I don't know the groom very well. I was invited by the bride. I'm also not a member of the groom's family which is why when they came to be seated they were two seats short. The good news is, being up front, I got some great pics!

The problems didn't really start till somewhere between the open bar and the sit down dinner.

I'm not a drinker. Really. I brag a lot, but truth is. Half a beer and my nose is numb. Give me a whole beer and I'm up on the tables doing the Russian hop-scotch.

They had champaign before they opened the bar to us. My Pastor and I both like a bit of the bubbly. We also both like beer and those puffy little snacks they serve before dinner.
To his credit, Bob warned me to slow down. That said ....... I was meeting lots of folks for the first time and well, having become a member of the groom's family just that day, what could I do but social? Then they opened the bar to us. I suggested a few of us maybe, you know ..... try our hand at a belching contest....just until dinner was served. Which, you can NOT do with out beer. How could I have known dinner wouldn't be served for another hour???? Not my fault.

Eventually I had to pee. Really bad. I don't know, or more acurately remember, what happened exactly but, somehow I got stuck in the potty stall. I tell you the door would NOT open! And I couldn't crawl under because there wasn't enough room.

The lady (who's name I don't remember) one of my fellow participants in the belching competition ..... was watching my camera for me. Instead of getting me out she giggled, climbed up on the toilet seat in the stall next to me and took pictures. Some of which I can't show you because .... well, I just can't.

She left. (I thought to get help.) Several minutes later she returned with other other ladies. All of whom were laughing hysterically while I sat there begging them to at least bring me a roll or a biscut. Something!

Turns out.....and I know I'm gonna regret telling you this. I just know it. But, it turns out I was pushing the door to open it, when I should have been pulling it.

You think I'm dumb? Check this out. Next day, Webster's nemisis returned. This idiot owl doesn't drink beer. Yet he's still hell bent to eat the Webster bird. Over and over again he dives into the window by Webby's cage knocking himself silly. Often he can't even get back up right away. He just sits there all dizzy and crap. How he can look at Webster and think dinner is beyond my comprehension but..... I tell you truly that owl is obsessed with eating the nasty little bugger.

And while the poor owl is out there all pitiful and trying to get his bearings again so he can fly out, take aim, and make another dinner dive, Webster is on the other side of the window giving him, the Webster bird version of, "bite my ass"!

posted by Crabby at 6:33 AM | 19 moos from the field
Friday, July 21, 2006
Yesterday was not a good one. It was a fancy dress and shoe-shopping day. For the record, I hate fancy dress and shoe shopping.

On the way to the mall I stopped at DQ to cheer myself up. When I tipped the cone up to eat it, the top of the ice cream swirl fell off in my lap causing the little boy in the booth across from me to giggle hysterically. 15 bitty DQ napkins later ..... the ice cream was off, but pink, green, and yellow, spots decorated my crotch. I didn’t have much time cause we had an appointment last night so the question was, go back home, change, and head out to shop or ……get another cone and don’t worry about the colorful crotch. You probably know me well enough by now to know which way I went.

After that, things went downhill.

I am 5 feet 1 and a half inches tall. My waist is 21 inches. Hips are 33. I am of freakish proportions. They do NOT make skirts or pants that fit that. Unless I can get elastic or a draw string I am dead in the water. EVERYTHING has to be tried on. It’s friggin TORTURE!

I finally found some stuff that I thought “might’ work at one of the trendy young people places. I hauled all my junk back to the dressing room. It’s important to note here, I can NOT stand up on one foot without falling over. So I always lean against the wall when I’m putting on a skirt or pants. Sadly what I didn’t know as I tried on my first skirt was, at this place, the walls are not solid. They’re curtains. Which is how my fat ass landed square in the middle of 3 proper southern ladies trying on formal wear in the dressing room ….er …… tent ….next to mine.

I was mortified! Not only was I laying there sprawled out like a stuffed turkey but I was wearing my worn out panties with the bare elastic on the waist. Yeah, I know. Sexy.

You think it can’t get worse? Wrong. In the new trendy stores the guys who work there are allowed back in the ladies dressing area right along with the girls. When by reflex, I grabbed the curtain. I didn’t pull it all the way off but most definitely opened both dressing areas to any body and everybody in that general area.
Sooooooo, not only was I mortified but the lovely Southern gal who was trying to pry her fancy size 8 gown over her size 12 hips was none too happy either. She was really, really ticked at me. And I can’t blame her. I’m an idiot. Her friends were cool though. They were nice enough to call me aside later and tell me it was the most fun they’d ever had going out with her cause she’s so stuffy.

After that, the day went straight to hell.

Today wasn’t so good. And…..

Now tomorrow I have a wedding to go to. Weddings don’t go much better for me than funerals. I’m actually stressing over this.

When? When am I gonna mature? Ever????? I’m such an idiot! I know you guys think I make this stuff up but if you ask anyone who knows me, Ethel, Bob, Manny, Squirrel, Jake, ….. they will all tell you straight up …. This crap happens to me and YES! I am that stupid.
posted by Crabby at 3:20 PM | 16 moos from the field
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
I am behind schedule and should NOT be here. That said, this is too good to keep to myself. I'll hurry. LOL!

I had to have lunch alone today so I hopped over to Horton's and got a BLT and .... of course ... an ice cap. Love em! Cuz I'm rushing I brought the stuff home.

I'm dressed in my painter pants with multiple pockets, raggedy t-shirt and pretty much look just like all the other construction fellas who go in there to pick up their lunch.

On the way to my car I stopped at another car to pull the keys out of my pocket. The car I stopped at was pretty old and worn out. One of those "takes a lickin and keeps on tickin" beauty's that look like crap but ya just gotta love 'em.

Any way, remember that old SNL skit, TWO WILD AND CRAAAZY GUYS! I met one! Sort of. This foreign fella pulls up in his Mercedes convertable and calls out to me, "Hey little one! How you like take ride in this sweet car some time? You give me number. I take you some time."

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha! I told him, "Well, thank you! But I think I'd rather "drive" this one." Then I got into my own car. When he saw which car was mine he laughed so hard I thought he was gonna choke himself.

In all honesty, he was cute as a button and very funny. But MAN! Now I can't get that skit out of my head. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha!

Ok. I GOTTA go rush, fast as can be, cuz people are coming and the stuff that needs to be ready, isn't. Typical. give me one thing to do. LOL!
posted by Crabby at 10:45 AM | 17 moos from the field
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
When you happen upon a couple walking along, wrapped in each others arms, do you have to suppress the urge to slide open the nearest manhole and wait for them to tumble inside. Does the sight of people cooing pet names to one another cause your middle finger to twitch?

Could be, you have developed ....."Relationship Brain Boogers."

Relationship Brain Boogers are not uncommon. The most common cause is, dating an asshole...or more likely assholes.

You are too close to your situation and are making unwise love choices.

Not to fret. Dr. Crab is has arrived to find your perfect match.

Just answer the 5 simple questions below and through my newly developed, and highly researched match-maker program extrodinaire I shall track down your true mate
and reveal them to you post-haste!

1. Do you consider yourself to be a high-energy person? Always busy and running around. Or do you prefer to stay near the sofa with a cooler of beer?

2. What's your horoscope sign?

3. What kind of food do you like?

4. How often do you require sex?

5. Open minded? Or set in your ways?

slight service charge of $19.99 included.
posted by Crabby at 8:32 AM | 22 moos from the field
Monday, July 17, 2006
Pics and current savings are listed on the Design Mojo board. It pays to do your own work folks.
posted by Crabby at 2:41 PM | 7 moos from the field
On Friday the countops were finally towed in by two very nice men who I refer to as stinky old guy and nice young fella. Stinky old guy was friendly as could be. However, he was in dire need of a good underarm scubbing.

None of that is pertinent and I'm slammed over here so on I go.

Mid-way thru Stinky guy tells Bob and I, "You prob'ly oughta move your bird outside. This stuff here we're fixin to use kills birds in just a few hours. We killed 4 last month."

For the briefest of moments, Bob and I looked at each other, eyes aglow with unspoken thoughts of a Webster-free future and grinned. But just as quickly we realized allowing the nasty little snit to die from chemical fumes on purpose was probably wrong on some level and neither of us deal well with guilt.

Friday in Ohio it was 83 degrees and the humidity was through the roof. The air was so thick your could almost snatch it up in your hands.

I wheeled Webster out of the sunroom onto the patio. Which should have been ok. He is an animal, right? Only problem, nobody ever told Webster his people are from Africa and bear feathers. He doesn't much care for the title, "animal".

So out there he sat, eyeball pressed up against the bars, looking in at me. The whole time he's shouting, "HERE HERE HERE HERE HERE!" (this is the Webster equvalent of a servant bell. He commands, I respond.) right.

I ignored him. After a while ...... his feathers slicked back, his pupils became tiny pinpoints, and he began a guttorial mumbling only he and possibly Satin could understand. One of the fellas who was working near an open kitchen window yelled to his partner, "Do birds get mad?"

Just then an innocent Butterfly flew through the bars in Webster's cage. Webster lunged at the poor little thing like the creature from that movie Alien.

"Did you see that!" The other fella yelled back to his friend, chuckling. (easy for him. He doesn't have to live with the feathered demon)

The butterfly escaped. Flew back in. This time Webster lunged at the little bugger so hard he fell off his perch and landed on the floor of the cage with tremendous THUD!

As he climbed back up the bars you could clearly hear him out there growling in tongues. (the bad kind)

I am not getting anywhere near him, I thought. When it's time to bring him back, Bob can do it.

And that's when I heard the thunder. That's right. In the middle of Webster's hissy fit, the sky grew black, the wind began to tear leaves and small branches off the trees and thunder boomed.

Under my breath as I headed out to "try" and bring him in out of the now pounding rain, all I could say was, "oh fuck me. He's gonna eat the fingers right offa my hands."

I ended up soaking wet and having to call Bob to leave his work and help carry the cage.

It's Monday. And the bird is still pissed off. Ask the dog. HE was stupid enough to go over to the cage and stick his tongue in to lick up a fallen popcorn last night. Now he has a hole in his tongue the size of Arkansas.

sigh. My life is such a freak show.
posted by Crabby at 7:12 AM | 22 moos from the field
Friday, July 14, 2006
K, at this point you're distracted because my eyeball is lookin at you. And you are wondering why my eyeball is staring at you. It's because .... I couldn't get a pic of my actual brain and this was the closest I could get to it. I tried taking a picture up my nose but that just came out lookin' like a big cave. So, you got the eyeball.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah. Reach way back into those brain cells, all the way to the memory center. How many really old commercials can you remember? What's the oldest one you remember?

Remember the commercials for the Hershey's flavored straws? I remember flavored straws but only just barely can get my head wrapped around the commercial.

OO, here's one .... take sominex tonight and sleeeeep. Safe and restful ...... sleeep sleeep sleeeep.

Oh, and Dippity Do. OO OO.... let's not forget spoolies. For you children, sppolies were a curler kinda thing. Little rubber doo dad that looked like a lamp with it's shade on upside down till you wound your hair around it and snaped the shade down.
posted by Crabby at 8:36 AM | 41 moos from the field
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Roxi and signgurl gettin' frisky.

I hope sign doesn't tear that shirt. Course it's already full of holes so ...
posted by Crabby at 6:21 AM | 34 moos from the field
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
The Kidney Foundation is coming today to pick up my donation bags and Bob's Balls are gonna be in there. I can't take it any more. They're drivin me nuts, I tell ya!

First it was early in the morning, before the sun was up even ..... thump thump thump THUMP thump thump THUMP THUMP THUMP!

I complained about that and damned if he didn't switch to bedtime. thumpity thumpity thumpity! How's a girl supposed to sleep around here? I warned him. I told him straight up, "Dude, your balls are gonna have an accident."

They're constantly rolling out onto the floor too. You'd think he'd get tired of chasing them around, do the right thing and pitch 'em. But nooooo.

The other day I found the drier door standing open, one of Bob's balls on the floor with two of his big man sneakers. Apparently he'd decided to toss two pairs of big footed cloppers in with both his balls. The poor drier obviously had all the abuse she could take and prompty spit them back out. If she had a voice no doubt she'd have called Social Services on him for cruel and unusual Drier abuse.

Enough! I'm slipping them into the bags. Bob will finally once and for all be balless and I can get some sleep! And the best part ..... he'll never know what happened to them, or where to find them.


posted by Crabby at 8:43 AM | 24 moos from the field
Monday, July 10, 2006
First time I met the Ostrich man was 3 years ago at the Tomato Festival. We had just finished our chewy tomato fudge and were on our way to kick back with a Tomato brewsky and enjoy the sweet tunes of the "Spicy Tomatoes" jazz trio.

All of sudden there he was, seated beneath a large sign that read, "Ostrich Burgers". My friend Fred will eat anything that's different even when I beg him not to. I had hoped to distract Fred but alas, by the time I turned around he was running to the odd looking little man with the smelly grill.

When I caught up the Ostrich man had begun a very animated converstion with Fred and Bob. (ps. this part is a true story. So help me. Ethel can back me up. She was there.)

"Yeah, we charge a mite mo but, what YOU don't know is. The Ostrich ain't no cow, man! You try and kill one o'these sumbitches and they will fight like hell. Sheeeit. It takes 3 or 4 men to wack the head off'in one of 'em. And even then .... the bastard will git back up n' run. Thar's blood gets all over ever'where. Ya cain't keep decent boots. Hell! These here are m'good ones and ya kin see they got blood spatter shit all over em.

If that ain't worse enough, then ya gotta deal the ass-wipe health inspector! And he's all, "This place ain't clean enough to use fer a toilet and shit." Always holdin his damned clip board and...well... listen to me go on. What'll it be?"

Fred didn't order ....... that night. But..... I heard he went back the next day and got one of those Ostich burgers.

3 years later.

Me, Milky, Tumble, and Barman launch the first ever. "Rage Against the Ostrich Man" protest.
It was a beautiful thing. The support we got from on-lookers was just amazing. I can't even tell you how many times they patted Milky and Tumble real friendly like, on their sit-upons.

I'm not allowed to take my clothes off in public anymore after what happened the last time so I had to wear the Ostrich suit.

Meanwhile, as we protested, Suze, Signgurl, Roxie, Manny, and Seequin snuck up and released the Ostrich prisoners who were soon to be burgers in Ostrich Man's evil burger world.

Prash, RainyPete, and Gareth did a lovely job of herding the birds off in the right direction.

Mone, Zen Wizard, Buddah girl, Polyman 2, and Sal, tore thee crap outa the Ostrich man's little burger selling stand.

Denny, Reg, and wmy, divided the money in the register and took off for the taco stand. We'll deal with them later.

Jam ate the burgers off of the grill. DAMN HIM!

Overall things were going really well. At least I thought so. Until....and nobody knows why....but ......barman went berzerk?

Last I saw him, he was standing between two cruisers while 4 police officers fought over who had to haul his nakie body half way across town in the back of their car. Far as I know, he's still there.

posted by Crabby at 12:42 PM | 43 moos from the field
Saturday, July 08, 2006
I hate to even tell you all this. It's just so ..... so....Freddy Kruger. But today .... oh I can't even say it.

I need a minute.

45 seconds
50 seconds

Ok. Today, I found a fish tail in Lucy's poop.

Is there no end to my suffering?

K, I gotta scoot. I'm going back out on the town to play. It's 78 and sunny here. WOOT!
posted by Crabby at 1:08 PM | 18 moos from the field
Friday, July 07, 2006
You all know I've been sad today cuz the lady is coming to take away my fish, who I happen to like. Well, I've been catching them and putting them in another container that will be easier to get them back out of for her. I had 4 caught. Then ...... I heard slurping. And when I looked over Lucy had her whole head down in the container. SHE ATE MY FRIGGIN FISH!

That dog better not even talk to me the rest of the night. She better not even LOOK at me. How could she?????? What a freakin barbarian!

Damn! Damn! and Damn again. She ate the two peach ones that always swim together. OOOOOO. I could just kill her.

And now she has FISH BREATH!
posted by Crabby at 2:04 PM | 16 moos from the field
A lady is coming today to take away my fishes. So I will be outside taking my pond down.

I'm sad. I dug that blasted pond. It's deep too. And many of those fish were born here. They each have their own habits. The two peach ones always swim together. The big one.....

Ok. I know. Ya don't get attached to fish. Don't even bother to say it. The words are wasted on me. I get attached to everything. I'm a sap.

But, happily, I'll most likely be over it by tomorrow. I have very short down times.

If you're wondering why the pond has to go, it's because you can't hardly keep a pond in the woods. Too many critters and trees. Plus it's dividing the two sides of our yard. So, it has to go. sigh.
posted by Crabby at 8:46 AM | 15 moos from the field
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Yes, I am stupid enough to change my hair color because of an internet poll. But, that's not the whole reason I went back to red. Bob wanted me too. So WHUMP! Red again.

For the record. Blondes get flirted with lots more than redheads.

What ya see trailing along behind me there is what I like to call the Dairy Queen butt. This is what happens when you just gotta get a medium swirl cone with sprinkles every single afternoon. sigh.

Hey, I'm old. I get to screw off if I want.

PS. If you guys tell me to go back to blonde now I'm gonna hunt you down like dogs. LOL! This hair crap takes up too much of my valuable time. I'm a very busy woman, yanno?
posted by Crabby at 9:36 AM | 40 moos from the field
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
I was surfing through pics and stumbled on this one which just happens to hit a major sore spot with me. Major enough to interupt my own post below to blow off steam.

"God hates fag enablers???"

Oh really? You know God, do you? I certainly doubt it lady.

I can not abide these religious freaks who hate in the name of God. Repent or perish?

Yanno, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure none of us mere mortals have been granted the right to cast judgement on our fellow man. Cuz....HELLO! I'd bet the farm you're a card carrying sinner like the rest of us, pal!

For the record, I believe in a loving, forgiving, God. And these religious freaks better hop down on their knees right now and pray I'm right about that cuz I guarantee they'll be the first to fry if I'm wrong.

I hate this shit!
posted by Crabby at 5:55 PM | 22 moos from the field
You know you've had enough Birthday celebrating when you wake up Wednesday morning, stumble into the bathroom, yawn, sit on the toilet and miss wedging your ass cheeks up against the toilet paper hanger. Then once you've made a pot of coffee, without the pot, It's official. The party must indeed stop now. Or at least, slow down, a tad, till ya get yer sea legs back.

In all honesty, much of the past few days are a blur in the old lady memory. I'll catch you up as it comes back. Assuming .... it does.

Yesterday's lunch is fresh in my mind since I learned a couple things I didn't know before.

It all started when Manny called to say sorry she'd forgotten my birthday.

"Don't worry about it I told her. You can take me out to eat tomorrow and that will square everything up."

"Well ....we're going out anyway so, yeah, we can do that. You have to promise not to say a word about Chad, or Mike, or Scott. Sqirrel doesn't know and she'll freak if she hears I was seeing Chad again."

"Just feed me. I don't care about anything else," I assured her.

But .... sadly my cell phone was loud enough that Bob could hear both sides of the convo. He immediately interjects ..... "I'm gonna tell her!" We threaten him and move on.

Next day at lunch first thing Bob does is say, "I watched Dr. Phil today. It was about getting back together with your x." The whole time he's smiling like a friggin Chesire cat and Manny is shooting daggers at him with her eyes. "So, manny, are you still seeing that Mike guy? Or....."

"No she says quickly, what are we gonna eat?"

Bob clearly was having the time of his life aggravating Manny. On and on he goes just to bug her, big smile on his face. Then at one point I'm sitting there eating away peacefully and Manny says, "I hold YOU responsible for this!"

Immediately, Squirrel's radar buzzer sounds. BLEEEEP BLEEEP BLEEEP! "Responsible for what? Am I missing something? What's going on?"

"Nuthin," Manny assures her, "Crabby just has a big mouth."

"ME!?" I didn't tell him anything. .....well ok. I did. But not that much."

"Tell him what?" Squirrel asks.

"NOTHING!" Manny insists. "Just eat."

By this time Bob is chuckling merrily.

In an effort to change the topic Manny tells Bob, "Do you know what these two were doing while I was having life-threatening surgery?"

"Praying?" Bob asks, sniggering.

"NO! They had my cell phone. When I got it back there were all these pictures on there of them making weird faces at each other in the hospital waiting room. There I am being cut open. And they're clowning around in a waiting room where people are crying and worried for their loved ones..... WITH MY PHONE!"

(now keep in mind, we are not a quiet people. We already had the tables around us looking over at us and listening intently ever since Squirrel started talking about gerbil sex and how these guys really shoud tie a string on their gerbils before they use them. She works in a hospital and they frequently have to do emergency gerbil removals.)



"Oh sure, they leave everybody else dressed and decide just to take your clothes off. It didn't have anything to do with the cute guy in the bed next to you?"

By now the elderly lady at the table next to us was leaning over so far, I feared she would fall clean outa her seat.

"He was cute, wasn't he? He's was too doped up to do anything with though."

"WHAT???" Bob asks.

"Get your mind outa the gutter," Manny tells him. I meant he didn't talk much.

"Well he was probably too busy wondering why you didn't have any clothes on." Squirrel assured her.


"Manny, I work in a hospital and we do not put people in the recovery room without their clothes. You were flirting with that guy!"

"No I wasn't. and I had the gown on it was just down around my waist."

"I know it wasn't up around your boobs. That's for sure."

By now the table behind us, had forgotten all about their birthday party and had begun to scoot their chairs inch by inch closer to our table.

After that the converstion got racy. I won't repeat all of that to you guys. I am nothing if not a proper lady. But I will tell you, by the time we left the lady at the table next to us was giggling and blushing profusely. Just another typical family outing.
posted by Crabby at 7:34 AM | 27 moos from the field
Monday, July 03, 2006

Happy birthday to youuuuuu!
Happy birthday to youuuuuu!
Happy birthday dear Crabbbbbbbss!
Happy birthday to youuuuuu!

Much love to you my pal, hope your day is great!

posted by MilkMaid at 6:57 AM | 25 moos from the field
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Barman gave me tongue. And I pilferred tongue from Roxie and Milky. That makes 3. I need more. C'mon people .... stick your tongue out, take a pic, and send it to me for my Rage Against the Ostrich, story. (true story. really happened to me. cept for the tongue. I'm adding that.)

got tongue? Send it to me.
posted by Crabby at 12:55 PM | 7 moos from the field