Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The following is a true story. So help me. Ellie told us yesterday and I..... have a new hero.

Ellie's other sister is also in a nursing home. She has a roomie named Mildred. Mildred spends most of her days in bed. And she is in diapers. The only company she ever has is an elderly man who also lives in the home and comes to visit.

Whenever the elderly gentleman comes to pay his respects, he pulls the curtain so they can visit with some degree of privacy.

Well sir, the other day, the nurses, hearing strange sounds coming from Mildred's bed in the middle of the night pulled back the curtain to find..... Mildred getting it on with her visitor.

That's right folks, diaper wearing, bed-fast, Mildred, was doing the horizontal Mombo. And by all accounts, she is GOOD AT IT!

Well I say, YOU GO MILDRED! YOU ARE MY HERO! YOU DA' HOTTEST MOMMA EVER BORN. alas, how can we live up to such a woman? Even in diapers, Mildred packs heat! Am I the only one impressed here?
posted by Crabby at 2:28 PM | 23 moos from the field
I feel GREAT! Motivated. Happy. Thriving! and raring to go!

We have undergone many changes around here.

I find myself suddenly living for ....guess who? ME! Just like in the old teenage days. I am responsible for the consequences only of my own choices. Wow! Now that's cool as hell!

It's very easy to get caught up in pleasing another person or persons. We've all done it. You have someone you love who is constantly making bad calls in life which have devestating consequences. you help them, try to nurture them back to a good and happy life and BLAMO...they take another bad turn and ya gotta start all over again. Or how about when you find a group of folks you like and you want to be accepted so you change yourself just a little to make that happen. There are zillions of ways to lose yourself in this world and every single one of us has stumbled over them.

Now let's say one day after long grueling years of pretense and fretting you all of a sudden have this.....oh....awakening. And suddenly you find yourself totally free. Just you. Your choices. Your consequences. Not caring who likes it and who doesn't. No longer fretting over anyones actions and reactions but your very own. Imagine how free that would feel. That's 100% where I am. And I am not going back.

I have spent an entire weekend not only awake for the first time and really being myself again, but taking an active roll in changing my surroundings to match the new free me. I have decided not to sell my house. Instead, I am making much needed changes. Huge changes. And Bob is giving me the freedom to really get in there and get her done which is wonderful!

We are kids again. Oh sure we still have to deal with lifes little crap piles but .... we don't have to take responsibility for them unless we did the crapping.

I plan to leave no crap piles for another human being to clean up so...I'm good to go. Although....I did pee on the sewer guy. Totally on accident you understand. We weren't supposed to flush toilets or use drains while he was working out there in the hole hooking up the new sewer lines. I forgot. I went. I flushed. Soon as I went out side Mike, looking kind of wet, smiling sideways, says to me, "Thanks. Thanks a lot."

"Why does everybody always assume it was me when something bad happens?" I asked innocently. Mike pointed. And there stood Bob looking pleased as pie with himself. The tattling rat.
posted by Crabby at 7:01 AM | 14 moos from the field
Monday, May 29, 2006
Bob and I just got a call about 40 minutes ago. Miss Ellie's sister just died. Good grief! She just got back home from her brother's funeral Thursday!

She doesn't know yet. Bob's brother is on his way over there and we'll probably be going too. This is going to be tough.
posted by Crabby at 1:17 PM | 13 moos from the field
Friday, May 26, 2006
For sale. Lovely home deep in the heartland of Buckeye Country. Lovely two story with convenient burial hole for mouthy MIL, or that barking dog your neighbor has that's been driving you crazy.

New sledding hill erected only yesterday in front of house. Get the sleds out and let the kiddies enjoy a fun day in the snow on their very own mound of dirt. Or...if it's summer...a nice climb. Be sure and take a picnic lunch for those hungry little buggers. :)

This home is loaded with extras! Even the trees have been laid out horizontal for easy climbing.

See it now! It won't last long!

posted by Crabby at 8:50 AM | 23 moos from the field
Thursday, May 25, 2006
With M-Es super secret password memorized in her overly large brain....Ninja Crab slips in on cat-like feets.

pitty pat.....pitty pat......pitty pat.

Deft of hand, light of finger, she tap tap taps at the keyboard changing the profile message on M-Es blog.

Then in a poof ..... POOOOOFFFF! she slips away ..... like a shadow in the night, invisible to mere mortals.

No one shall ever know her secret. For she is.........NINJA CRAB!

posted by Crabby at 2:33 PM | 12 moos from the field
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Bet you all thought I was kiddin about my crappy luck. But no. When I say if there's a steaming pile of poopy doopy anywhere in the vicinity....I WILL step in it. I am being most honest and sincere.

You all know I've been workin like a dervish around here to beautify my house and yard by June 1st so, I can list it on the market for sale.

Well sir. I made a fair bit of progress. Then.......these pulled up in my front yard. A 12 foot deep trench has to be dug from the street alllllll the way across my front yard......
back round to the back yard, possibly tearing out a lilac tree and my back deck.

For real. Personally I choose to look at this as an exciting selling point. I have not yet come up with a reason why. But you can help me with that.

Jake and I decided since we have the big Bubba equipment right there in the comfort of our own yard....might as well take a photo op.

I'm considering borrowing one of these babies to finish my scrub clearing in the

back. Assuming we still have a back when they're finished.
posted by Crabby at 9:18 PM | 16 moos from the field
Last night was a late, tough night for me. (See below. ) I came to a great many conclusions about the state of my life. And in doing so, I made a decision.

For 10 long years I have held back. I tried. I truely tired not to do it. But some things are too big to be controlled.

It is done.

This morning, I released my Mother's curse, passing it on to my only child (who when all other family pass on would leave me old and feeble while the vultures circle, in the sole care of my husbands x wife. Who just happens to take a yearly inventory of my possessions as near as she can figure them. The asshole.)

But I digress.

It was a selfish, nasty thing to do.....and to my credit, I did hold back for 10 long years...... I find myself gleeful....nay giddy with new found freedom.

Curse? You ask, sniggering.

I would caution you not to mock the curse. I have felt the bitter sting of it for the past 30 years. A curse straight from the bowels of hell. The chant is simple enough...."I hope you have a child just like you." Seems harmless, doesn't it?

Not so. It is a festering boil on the ass of anyone who suffers under it. And now.....NOW it has been passed on to my son and I am finally and forever rid of it. BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
posted by Crabby at 7:56 AM | 19 moos from the field
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
As children we find it easy to use our parents. You can get a loving parent to do almost anything for you. They will bail you out of trouble, find money, where there is none to pay for things you must have, and ultimately a parent will forgive you any injustice you have commited against them. I can not in good conscence say that I never took advantage of my Mother. Certainly not as I became older but as a self-focused teen, oh yeah. I did. Though in all honesty, when it came to money, I never used her. I laid in bed too many nights hearing her cry as she tried to pay the bills to ever abuse her in that way.

Still there were little things. And I regret them all, deeply and forever. Being a slow learner, it wasn't until she actually up and died on me that I realized I had completely missed the opportunity to tell her how much she meant to me. To apologize for selfish misdeeds.

And so it goes. Life moves on. And we become the parent. In becoming the parent we know for the first time a love greater than the love we have for ourselves. We begin to understand why our parent, or parents, were such incredible saps. It was never for lack of intelligence. But rather a need born from the moment we as mother's felt that first stirring of life within, to protect them, keep them safe, and above all else see them happy. We pray that they grow to be good and caring people. That they will love and be loved.

And we all live together in a rainbow world with fairies and puppies and lollypops, right? Not quite.

Occasionally some parents, like some children, are forced to accept the fact that things are not as they were meant to be or should be. That somewhere down the line there was a disconnect. That there is, in fact, a time when you must let go. And maybe, just maybe, a time for rebirth of our own selfishness before our own days, growing ever shorter, are taken from us.
posted by Crabby at 9:48 PM | 10 moos from the field

Today Bob must accompany Ellie to Texas for her brother’s viewing and funeral. At first glance this seems a simple enough chore, air flights and such notwithstanding. Ugh ugh. It’s gonna be a booger! Ahhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha!

To begin with, Ellie has always been a Southern Belle. She likes to be pampered and cared for. She is particular about clothing, lodging, food, and has on occasion (lots of times) taken immense dislike to the way a person phrases something. For instance, when a server asks, “Are you still working on that?” Ellie is appalled! Even blind, Ellie can spot a bad dresser from a mile away and she will be quite verbal about such tackiness. (snicker snicker….poor Bob)

Where was I?

She takes umbrage at not being the center of your attention. Let me give you an example. On Sunday we took Ellie to lunch. She began to tell us her story about shopping for the ….oh 3rd time I believe. The server came and asked Bob and I a question. When the server left Bob and I exchanged a couple of sentences. Ellie immediately interrupted, trying very hard not to sound irritated and informed us that every time we talk she has to start her story over. Nuf said. Nobody wanted to go through the shopping story a 4th time. We promptly shut our yaps.

Oh yeah, then there’s the matter of getting her from point A to point B. (keep in mind, they will be on a very tight schedule) Ellie has two speeds. Extremely slow and reverse. I do believe this is the point that has Bob sweating bullets. LOL!

And then there is the issue of sharing a bathroom with Ellie. They must be at the funeral home not only tonight but first thing tomorrow morning as well. Ellie likes to do a plack rinse, full floss, and leisurely brush first thing in the morning and last thing at night. That’s just the beginning of her “getting ready” ritual. And let’s not forget….Ellie likes to look GOOD when she will be seen by old friends and family.

Bob on the other hand, likes to have his morning constitutional followed by a quick shower and shave and Good Lord willing, breakfast.

As the hour of his departure nears, my man Bob gets more and more testy. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Heaven help him if Ellie has to use the restroom on the plane. I know. I know. It's not nice to laugh at somebody else's trauma. snicker snicker....SNORT!
posted by Crabby at 1:27 PM | 12 moos from the field
Monday, May 22, 2006
I'm currently having what you might call ..... oh..... let's just say, a VERY bad week. Possibly even a total whack out of the mind. A series of events have simultaneously occured that have caused me both tremendous pain and now.... well now, I'm just extremely pissed.
posted by Crabby at 12:48 PM | 14 moos from the field
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Last night at 11:00 we had to drive over to Miss Ellie's (mil) and tell her that her brother was dead. She answered the door in her tweety bird jammies, her hair all tousled from sleep. They were going to call her from Conroe but I didn't want her to be alone when she got the news. You see, she had just been shopping and bought him new clothes for his stay in rehab. She was sure he would be ok. Having watched most of my own family die from one addiciton or another, I kind of knew his days were numbered.

When she heard the news she said one word, "oh." And then crumbled. She is the last one standing in her family now. Her husband died some time back. Two sisters are in nursing homes unable to care for themselves. One sister and her parents dead. One brother shot and killed years ago, and this one dead from alcoholism two months after his son died from the same.

The last one standing. 84 and blind, she has a little dog for company. She is as strong as she needs to be. It's hard to watch your friends and family pass on. And yet survival demands we suck it up. Stand tough and laugh in the face of our own demise. If we do not, every moment we spend feeling sorry for ourselves is forever lost, wasted.

Many of us will be the last man standing. When that time comes, I would urge you to stand proudly and take absolutely everything you can from each and every day left to you. Of course we're going to leave this world. It's inevitable. But while you are here, you make your mark. Laugh. Be strong. Take the best from your days and hold it near to your heart like a talisman.

And for a moment of this day, say a prayer for Miss Ellie, who still stands this morning, no doubt, still in her tweety bird jammies.
posted by Crabby at 7:40 AM | 13 moos from the field
Friday, May 19, 2006


Ok. For free.

Tail eating, foul talking, Spawn of Satan.

This bird has never had a tail or wings. Why? He chews them off. And I swear to you, he does it just to spite me. How could I possibly know this, you ask? Cause he cackles when I see him doing it and express ANY kind of concern. Ask our friends if you don't believe me. They surf here. They know. He's a demon seed!

For a long time he imitated my yahoo pager just to get me to run in here. Then he'd bray like a jackass when I sat down at the computer and swore.

He holds a grudge and doesn't forget. I sprayed his tail with bitter apple once to keep him from chewing on it. Pissed him off big time but he couldn't reach me then. Sniggering, I sprayed away and went on with my afternoon. Two days later I reached in to get a toy he'd somehow detached from the side of his cage and damned if he didn't bite right through my lower lip. Actually it was just below my lip. I HAD A TRIANGLE SHAPED HOLE THERE! When I drank coffee it would dribble out my chin.

My last dog had a deformed nose because every time he'd call her name she go running to his cage and stick her nose in. And every time he'd nail her! Consequently, she had like half a nose by the time she died.

He imitates Bob's voice and calls my name when I'm busy in another room. I come to see what Bob wants and Bob isn't here. The bird thinks it's funny as hell. When we have company and they make the mistake of laughing he immediately imitates their laugh. We had to take one lady outside because every time she'd laugh, he'd imitate her laugh, then she'd laugh again. It got so bad that she had tears running down her face and a got a serious case of the hiccups. We had to walk her outside for a minute just to let things calm down.

When people come he doesn't know, he friggin SWEARS at them!

We can't eat a meal in peace. Anything we have, he wants. And he'll shout....HERE! HERE! HERE! till you share it with him. He's especially fond of pizza and white Castles.

He has chased me out of my own office before and will run down any and all dogs that have ever lived here, biting at their poor feet. Doesn't matter how big they are....they are all terrified of this demon bird.

Now in all honesty, Jam's post below, started my brain ticking. Do you think? Could I possibly? Maybe? Offer the bird as part of the house when I sell it?

Check Out Blinkyou.com for thousands of custom glitters and layouts
I'm coming back from stiffville for my nose bird. Watch your ass.
posted by Crabby at 7:19 AM | 13 moos from the field
Thursday, May 18, 2006

Well, there's little question now. When my house is ready to show, I will have no choice but to hang a sign apologizing in advance for any insults hurled at hapless house hunters during their visit. sigh sigh sigh. groan!

Smilin George and Webster have this horrid hate/hate relationship. Their animosity toward one another seemed to grow more fierce by the day. George leaps into the air woofing at the bird and the bird ....well.... says things. Bad things. That's how it began.

But NOW, now the Rodney Dangerfield of birds has decided there's nothing more fun in life than to hurl hateful insults at innocent people anywhere in his vicinity. This is a direct result of my taking the ringer out of his bell. He's really, really pissed! And somewhere (I did not teach him all this stuff) he's learned cute little phrases like ....... turd face .... noodle nose ..... fat ass ..... bite me ..... dick head ..... and my personal favorite..... kiss my nut.

There is NO way to shut him up. Believe me, I have tried everything. I was hoping he'd get out of this foul mood before the house is done but.....nope. He wants his ringer back and I'm not givin it back. He was driving me batty with that blasted thing.

Anyway ..... to make matters ever so much worse.....once Webster starts hurling insults, Smilin George, even if he's in his crate in another room will begin to bark. So then you have the bird shouting .... "Kiss my nut! Kiss my nut!" the dog barking furiously. Bird shouting..."NO! STOP IT! KISS MY NUT!"

If we sell this place it'll be a friggin miracle.
posted by Crabby at 11:58 AM | 12 moos from the field
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
If Peter Den came to your window to wisk you off to Never Land.....would you go?
posted by Crabby at 2:19 PM | 20 moos from the field
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Once again the men in my family have tried in vain to sell me a box o' goods. Or is it bag o' goods? Some kinda bogus goods.

They tried to get me to believe that during the filming of the Wizard of Oz some guy hung himself on the set. And nobody noticed him hanging there....like ever. I'm so sure!

Who in this world could hang themselves and not have somebody notice or care? PahLeeze!

posted by Crabby at 5:19 PM | 13 moos from the field
Monday, May 15, 2006
Since the day I could walk, near as I can remember, I have been, a critter freak. Which has on occasion, (ok daily) caused me to be a giant boil on the butt of every human companion I have ever had. I vex them.

I give homes to any living varmint that appears to need one. Always have. Always will. Even if I have to hide them from ner'do - critter - well family members.

Our poor mother was the first but sadly, not last, victim of my sick need to save and preserve the animal kingdom.

The first really bad situation happened the year of the big storm. It rained for days. We lived on a ravine. The ravine flooded and all manner of fish could be found flopping around on dry land. M-E was just a baby at that time. Squirrel however was old enough to recruit. Which is just what I did. We filled the bathtub up with water. Snagged Mom’s mop bucket and began a fish rescue mission. I’m telling you, we had that bathtub filled to the brim with fishes. It was GREAT!

I needed time to talk Mom into letting us keep the fish so I closed the shower curtain, carefully hiding them from view. By the time she got home that night, The Squirrel, baby M-E, and I were all deeply absorbed in something on tv. Mom went in to take a shower.

The water came on in the bathroom and a few minutes later, a scream, followed by a host of obscenities most likely heard not only in our neighborhood but also the next county, came outa that bathroom like a green cloud of toxic waste.

Then came the one thing you never want to hear….your first annnnnnd middle name followed by….”get your ass in here, NOW!”

Surprisingly, I was not allowed to keep the fish. Nor could I sit comfortably for a good long time.
posted by Crabby at 7:35 AM | 23 moos from the field
Friday, May 12, 2006
Introducing a brand new feature here at the field. Every Friday I plan to ste .......... er....borrow a fellow blogger's head, slap it on body I've found, and invite you all to write a caption.

Here's me and Roxie havin' a tender moment.

Have fun!

I gotta go now before Roxie sees this.
posted by Crabby at 2:20 PM | 18 moos from the field
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Sizzlin hot HNT bloggers annual march began today with a real BOOM! Though they were reprimanded last year by Hugh Hefners Bunny Brigade not to eat Mexican before the march again, it was obvious after the explosion that one blogger had broken the rule. The guilty party has not come foreward. Nor would siggering fellow bloggers reveal the guilty party's identity.

One angry bystander, still pale from the inhalation of noxious gasses was heard to say, "These bloggers refuse to take anything seriously! I don't know why they are allowed to participate at all! It's a travesty!
posted by Crabby at 7:11 AM | 32 moos from the field
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
I am soooooo in love!
I had to take my car in for service today and they
gave me this big ass truck for a loaner car.
IT ROCKS! This baby could roll right over those little sissy trucks guys drive around now.
And .... she has a V8 engine. ARRR ARRRR!
Big, black, and intimidating as hell. Everybody
gets outa my way. Plus, she has ginormous cup
holders and cubbies all over the place. I got 2 trees, 5 bushes, 15 lilies, a hanging baskets, a pot, bag of soil, and two flats of flowers and only used a teesy amount of my tail.
I am sooooo trading Bob's prissy Jag in for this
truck. It's got 78,000 proven miles on it. The
interior is already dirty so I can't get in trouble for being messy. And I can reach the drive thru windows!
I have to hang onto the center cubby to pull myself up into it but that's no big deal. I'm short. But I'm almost 5'2" so it's not too hard.
What a great truck!

posted by Crabby at 12:32 PM | 11 moos from the field
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Denny specifically asked for this. (psssst) I told you all he wasn't right in the head. You have no idea. Sometimes he just goes completely whacko. I never know what he's gonna be up to. I could tell you stories!

Milkmaid is has probably already taken out a hit on me. I expect any time now some man in a shiny suit will show up with a silencer and wanna take me for a ride in his cadillac with the extra large trunk. siiiiigh.

I imagine there are gonna be a lot of fellas havin some major issues after this.

posted by Crabby at 2:09 PM | 23 moos from the field
In protest of recent events, I am BOLDLY posting a nekkie pic of myself. That's right. I don't have any clothes on. Not a one.

Psssst. pass me a towel, would ya? I'm freezin my kahoonies off.
posted by Crabby at 5:35 AM | 9 moos from the field
Monday, May 08, 2006
I miss my cowpie field. I'm coming home.


nobody special

PS. You would not believe the weekend I had. OY!
posted by Crabby at 6:48 PM | 9 moos from the field
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
As has been recently pointed out to me, I'm old.
Being old has it's perks, however. You learn some stuff. I'd like to share with you all the most important of what I have learned. After this day, the cowpie field will be forever gone. Don't feel too bad about it. Cowpie fields and people all have to go away some time.

What I know, that matters.

Never turn on your own. When you come to that place in your life where you have royally mucked up absolutely everything (and we all do)

"some" of your family and an incredibly small handful of people who were really your friends are all that will be still standing there to hold you up. These are the people who love you, no matter what. In that moment, when you are most down, they will be your strength and they will help you find your smile again. Never take them for granted. They are a gift beyond measure.

It is not for any person, no matter how close to you they are, to decide what is important to you. No one has the right to tell you what to care about. No matter how petty a person's interests seem to you, they matter to them.

We have the right to love another person, never to control them. when you begin to control the people you love, you are attempting to take them apart and rebuild them. Doing that destroys the very thing you loved about them in the first place. Let people be what they are. That's your gift to them.

Finally, never speak in anger. Words once spoken can not be taken back. They may be forgiven but trust me, they will never be forgotten. Degrading, humiliating, insulting anyone, especially those you profess to care about cuts through their very soul deeper than any knife blade. And can forever alter the heart. Have a care with things you say. They will matter, the good ones and the bad, for an entire life time.

Lastly, every morning we wake up with a choice. To smile or to feel sorry for ourselves and be miserable. Choose the smile. It will sustain you even when life is chomping at your butt-cheeks. There is no medication like laughter. Always, always, remember that.

And with that, I say honestly and finally.....goodbye and I love you all. Write me sometime, if you think about it. freefallingfriday@yahoo.com
posted by Crabby at 6:03 AM | 32 moos from the field
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
I have to delete my blog, guys. I don't want to. I enjoy writing my stories but apparently it's become a problem for some of my family members who are embarrassed by an old woman posting her bare back.

I guess my stories are embarrassing too. That's what I've been told. I never meant to embarrass anyone or make them ashamed of me but....they are.

Blogging isn't worth it, if it causes them discomfort.

So goodbye and God bless you. I think you're all pretty great and I'm gonna miss you like crazy.

Write to me from time to time if you get a free minute. freefallingfriday@yahoo.com

Your pal and former blogger,
posted by Crabby at 1:54 PM | 25 moos from the field