Tuesday, October 31, 2006
My summer of grunt torture began here. These are some of the before pics I have. I'm not gonna write a bunch of junk cuz you can look at the pics and pretty much figure what we did.

In addition to the crap you see we also had to do some rewiring, repair damaged floors that were covered up by previous owners...the usual stuff you inherit with old houses.

That stainless stove ya see there was over 100 degrees too hot in temperature one day and then it would be 50 under the next. LOL!

Heeeere's after. I had to take pics at night cuz our days have been bonkers. So the colors will be a tiny bit off. Note the fancy/schmancy design we came up with for the floor? LOL! We oozin' with class.

Also note my friendship sign holds a place of honor right over the stove. It says: A good friend will bail you out of jail. A true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn, that was fun."

Artwork: Meijers ........... $22.49

Phone missing cord, thus unusable
since 2001.......priceless.
posted by Crabby at 9:47 AM | 30 moos from the field
Monday, October 30, 2006
How could I have known back in May when this all began that a time would come when to get the loan for my garage and to have that figgin, nasty, no good, sumbitch of a pool takin out.....that an appaiser would be coming to my home and walking through every single floor and nook in my house. Yes, including........the dreaded basement. A place, I myself never, EVER go. Why? CUZ IT'S ICKY!

Oh the hell of it. The misery.

Dear Lord in Heaven, why oh why, did you not give me some semblence of "neat"? Why was a born to screw off?

Just look at me now, scrambling to trim bushes, sort through debris, restore order to disorderly, nay, tis not disorder....but utter chaos I face here.


I'm a luzer. I play for a living. Order is not even possible in my luzer brain. And I must confess, knowing the appraiser might even come today, I was still driven to screw off on Saturday. And worse! Bob is a screw off too. HE WAS WITH ME SCREWING OFF!

Oh, what hell! We'll be lucky to appraise for half what we bought the place for 6 years ago.

We're fucked. Fact, we're beyond fucked. They need a whole new word for fucked to cover what we are at this point. We are never gonna make it in time. Not even if we grew super powers and had vaccums growing out of our butts.

My question is, if you found out on a Friday, that an appaiser would be coming all through your house and yard on Monday.....would you be ready?

For the love of God, say no.

psssst. Does this plant give me a negative image as a home owner, do ya think?
Or...maybe .....does it say, this home owner is so dedicated to caring for her home she has no time for plants????
posted by Crabby at 9:18 AM | 27 moos from the field
Friday, October 27, 2006

Crab-O-licoiuos is busy working on her house and doo dads, so in the meantime, enjoy one of the mosaics I've made on Flickr recently.

You can find moreHERE.

Hope everybody has a great and safe weekend.
posted by MilkMaid at 12:55 PM | 10 moos from the field
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
It has recently come to my attention that too much fun over a weekend can result in a visit from the droid known only as MIL. (hidden meaning? who me? I don't know nuthin!)

That said, you have been warned and we shall move on to excepts from weekend conversations. From there I leave you to your imagination as to how those conversations went from A to...upside down G.

Friday night.
Fred pointing to hotel pond: A man lives under there.

Ethel nods in agreement. And they begin to move on with the conversation. (am I the only one who finds this odd?)

Me: Fred? What? Did you just say a man lives under there? Is he like.......AQUAMAN????

Later on, Fred pointing to a photo of the hotel they stayed in on their vacation says.....
"That's where the man lives, under there."

Again, Ethel nods in agreement.

Me: A man lives under the hotel too? Is he.....MOLE MAN???? Does he know Aquaman lives in the pond? Are they buddies??? hmmm?

Moving on to Saturday night. (No. I'm not going to explain the conversation from Friday. Just be glad I didn't share everything cuz then you'd really be scratchng your heads.)

Saturday night after dinner. In the mall with Jerry and Lynn.

Jerry walks up to well dressed mannequin, pulls blouse down revealing one breast. Lynn quickly come up behind him and covers it back up giving him a stern warning. Next mannequin, Jerry and Lynn repeat above action.

Store phone on wall rings while store pager announces that Kathy has a call. Jerry hurries 0ver and answers phone, looks at me and asks, "Are you Kathy?" just as the real Kathy comes up behind him and snatches phone from his hand.

Later, looking at sweaters, Jerry runs into isle behind me, his face turns bright crimson. He hurries back out into main aisle, leaving the destinct aroma of cut cheese in his wake.

This is how my weekend went. From early Friday till late on Sunday. It never slowed down. And now, I have to work???? Is there no mercy?
posted by Crabby at 8:31 AM | 25 moos from the field
Monday, October 23, 2006
According to my link list every single one of you guys put a new post up today. On a Monday? What the .... Is there some big blogger posting party and nobody told me? Cause I'm over here still playing catch up from the weekend.
posted by Crabby at 2:58 PM | 12 moos from the field
Friday, October 20, 2006
For any guy (a.k.a. internet horn-dog) who has recently or is planning to send me an e-mail tellin me how cute my butt is or wanting to see more, or God forbid, show me more! I DON'T GIVE TWO FIGS AND A WHISTLE FOR YOUR PENIS!

Let me make this as clear as I can. Not interested! Not looking! Don't friggin care!

What is it with some guys on the net? Do you seriously think women are falling all over themselves wanting to "sex you up"? Go screw yourselves.

I AM NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS CRAP! And trust me, far as your equipment goes....I've seen better right here at home. Now, FUCK OFF!
posted by Crabby at 10:49 AM | 29 moos from the field
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Reliable sources (Rainy Pete) informed this reporter yesterday that, "World Menopause Day", was underway. Being a man, naturally, Rainy Pete could not have known that menopause, like PMS, is never just a one day thing.

Digging deep I found shocking evidence to support the Rain Man's claim that indeed, menopausal women are running rampant all over the world. (and possibly in outer space)

As you can see by the photo here, even Osama Bin Laden's brother, Osumma Big Lugie has not gone unscathed. Word has it, Iraqi women have not only removed their veils but are in the process of strangling their men-folk with them. (not a bad thing from this reporters view point)

Here in the states, a Wal-mart in Texas was the target of a particularly angry mob of women who became enraged when the store ran out of chocolate-peanut butter whoopie pies.

Men everywhere, in fear for their lives, are fleeing from their homes. The man pictured here, was unable to get his Land Rover in gear before his wife caught up to him.

"How ya like me now, bitch?" The woman was heard to say just before sawing through the tree that ....well....the photo speaks for itself.

In an attempt to restore order, President Bush called on the National Guard who responded promptly with, "Screw that!"

The man in this photo suffered fatal injuries when he switched off the wife's soap opera to watch a baseball game.

This man broke down in tears after his new bride ate his sbarro's pizza slice then kicked him roughly in the shin. "There's no safe place to fall," he sobbed.

Clearly something must be done.
This reporter's advice to men around the globe, be afraid. Be very, very, afraid.
posted by Crabby at 9:03 AM | 8 moos from the field
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Early on, like when I was ....oh...5, I invisioned myself as this fairy princess. All glowy pretty, and sought after. I'd grow up to be smart and elegant. It was a good plan.

Somewhere along the line the plan fell apart. My nose grew faster than my face. I sprouted freckles, and I became.....well, me.

Since then, my life has been a series of embarrassing moments, mishaps, and blunders. Nothing has gone the way I dreamed it would. absolutely nothing.

For instance, I bet you all remember your first really hot make out session. When you remember it, is it romantic? As you probably guessed my first red hot make out was with Bob. Unfortunate. Because he's still around to tease me about it. We were deep in the midst of passion. The Doors song, "Light my fire" was playing in the background. Hotter and hotter we got till....... I farted. That's right, I farted during the Doors, "Light my Fire". That's our hot memory. Now everytime Bob hears that song he makes farting noises at me. Cute.

When I was pregnant with Jake I was very careful not to gain one extra pound other than baby weight and all that stuff. That's how I KNEW I'd be able to slip right back into my old clothes when I took him home. And my old clothes are exactly what I asked for. I got the pants half way up my thighs and they went no further. Not up. Not down. I was literally stuck in the bathroom. Imprisoned by my own body fat. I had to have help to get them back off. Meanwhile, Bob chuckling like a fiend, went back to our house and got bigger britches. This also, I have never heard the end of.

The list is endless. It's impossible to get together with anyone, friends or family without my blunders coming up somewhere in the conversation. EVERYbody has some kind of memory of one of my screw ups. Usually more than one. Not exactly fairy princess material.

What I want to know is, did you turn out to be who you imagined you would be one day? Did your plan go anywhere near as far south as mine did?
posted by Crabby at 7:47 AM | 41 moos from the field
Monday, October 16, 2006
My friend Ethel just called. They've been in Hawaii for their long awaited anniversary vacation. The conversation went like this. (in my defense it was only 7:00 when she called and I hadn't had coffee)

Ethel: Well, if you had come with us like you were supposed to you could have experienced the earthquake too.

Me: You had an earthquake?

Ethel: YES! It's all over the news and in the papers. Didn't you see it?

Me: Ummm.

Ethel: It was a 6.6! Shook me right out of bed. I looked out the window expecting to see a big storm but there was no rain or anything. I woke up Fred and he just rolled over and said, it's probably an earthquake. The whole room was shaking!

Me: The room was shaking and Fred didn't get up? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha! That's my buddy!

Ethel: You should have been here.

Me: Naw, if Fred and I had been there together, somehow they woulda blamed us. We get blamed for everything.

(in the background Ethel tells Fred what I have just told her)

Fred: She's right.

Yanno, I wondered why I hadn't heard from them. They call me every day and check in. Had NOT occured to me that somehow Fred had caused an earthquake all by himself.

I'm beginning to think, Tivo wasn't a good thing for Bob and me. We seem to be out of the loop. I'm thinking the earth could possibly fall into oblivion and we'd still be sitting on our sofas, watching our recordings of Monk and Desperate Housewives, eating snacks and laughing our butts off.

Is this a bad thing? I just don't know.

Oh btw. We do take the paper. We don't read it. I use it for the birds cage. Maybe.....I should start looking at it first?

So what's going on out there? Is Bush still president? Did Rosie O'donnel go straight? Is it still politically incorrect to say, "midget"? Am I still vertically challenged? Or am I short again?
posted by Crabby at 7:50 AM | 11 moos from the field
Friday, October 13, 2006
In an effort to apologize to cat lovers everywhere, in advance for the current story posted on GRANNY GOT GAME I offer this pic. And I promise, next time granny will .....naw, she's still gonna be offensive. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha! What can I tell ya? The gal has one foot in the grave. Who can control her?
posted by Crabby at 7:59 AM | 21 moos from the field
Thursday, October 12, 2006

You are about to see the world's best car, ever!
And I can prove it.
She's not just another pretty face!
She's also cheap AND easy!

Keep your pricey Lexus with it's skinny, minny back end.

I'll haul my wood in this wide open little baby right here.

You want a BOXster. Well you don't get more box than this. And this one gets 30 mpg in the city and 34 on the highway!

Jaguar? Please! Have you seen the cupholders in a jag. Dixie cups. That's all they're good for. And then you better be careful with your shifter or you'll knock your dixie clean out.

This little beauty also puts on one hell of a light show! Check out these colors. There are 10 in all. Cycle them through or find one you like and just sit there and jam with it.

Talk about your mood setters. What's more sexy than red lights and sweet sounds?

Not enough yet? Well how about this, she doubles as dice. Talk about your lucky rollers!

Yessir. This is without question thee best car ever! Anytime! Anywhere!
posted by Crabby at 2:38 PM | 14 moos from the field
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
That's right, folks. It's time for the cowpie fields monthy sign awards.

You must take your shoes off before you enter the voting arena. K. Ready, set, VOTE!
what's your favorite?

I gotta get me some of that.

This explains why grandma suddenly decided she likes to go camping.

Let this be a lesson to ya kid. Don't eat cheap Mexican and think yer gonna fit down a chiminey.

Long as it's not puppies.

posted by Crabby at 2:00 PM | 18 moos from the field
Monday, October 09, 2006
For 3 weeks now I've been trying to make a decision. I finally made it and I'm doing it today. I'm selling my sports car. I love it. And I have had the best summer driving around in that puppy with my hair blowing and the radio playing but, in the end, it's too fancy and too expensive for me.

I started thinking about how, we'd be making payments on a car I can only drive in good weather. And then I started thinkin about who I am. Let's face it guys, I am not a fancy car person. I'm an eat in my car, haul my dog, jeans and dirty sneakers kinda gal.

So I'm selling her today. And with the money I'm buying something that I feel is way more me. It will be completely paid for (YES!) and I imagine I'll have more fun in it because it will be like a pair of comfortable old socks that fit my feet better. Can you guess what it is? Milky got it on the 3rd try. (which frankly scares the pee outa me. She knows me way too well)


posted by Crabby at 7:04 AM | 53 moos from the field
Friday, October 06, 2006

Just as the storm was advancing from "I'm gonna be dark and erie" to "I'm gonna whup yor ass and tear off your roof", two things happened at my house.

First ....... Lucy was struck by the "right now" need to make a poop.

She'd finally completed her never ending search for the perfect poop landing. And she'd gotten her butt lined up just right. Mid-poo, the tornado siren shrilled. That dog's sphincter slammed shut tighter than a fat lady's leotard at an all you can eat buffet.

She flew back inside the house, nearly knockin me off my feet on the way by. (I was out there to lend her moral support. Clearly it meant a lot to her. PAH!)

The second thing that happened was, the cheap mexican refrieds I had kicked in. At this point I raced past Lucy to get to my own bathroom, only to find, I'M OUTA TOILET PAPER!

All stores and eateries had been closed out here for safety reasons so I had to think creatively. But then I remembered...Bob has an office upstairs with.....taaaaa daaaaa....a bathroom. I normally wouldn't dream of borrowing Bob's toilet paper because he buys the cheapest stuff he can find. The kind that your fingers go right through. (ladies, you know what I'm talking about) I hate that crap. But get this ...... the man has been hiding a secret stash of extra large rolled Charmin!

I pilfered the entire pack, carried it down the stairs, my belly gurgling and rumbling, and got busted.

"What the hell?? Is that my Charmin," he asks.

"No," I lied.

"Let me see it."


We wrestled and I had a good grip till my belly cramped up.

"aaaHA!," he boasted proudly. "I knew it was mine. There's my name right there." Sure enough being the label kook he is, he'd slapped a label on the package that said, "Bob's Charmin. Keep your hands off."

"Give me some!" I demanded and by now believe me, I WAS prepared to knock him down and take it by force if I had to.

"Get your own."

"I'm out down here. Now share!"

"Use the cheap stuff up there."

"NO! I need the charmin. It's an emergency."

"If it was an emergency you'd use anything."

Just then a sound erupted from my person loud enough and forceful enough to scare the dog into her crate. It was kind of like you'd expect to hear when a volcano erupts. Cheap refrieds occasionally have that effect on me. Needless to say, he handed over a roll of paper. But only one and I had to sign a note saying I'd repay it.

posted by Crabby at 12:27 PM | 22 moos from the field
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
You know you are getting old when this happens to you.


I adjusted to the wrinkles, the sags, the mood swings, but the blindness is PISSING ME OFF.


Earlier yesterday afternoon, I went to take an Advil because I have a splitting noggin. I put the nearly NEW bottle of 500 tablets back up on the top shelf in the cabinet WITH THE LID NOT ALL THE WAY ON. Missed the shelf and all 493 pills scattered over the kitchen floor.

Advil's are the same color as my terracotta tile in the kitchen.

Sprocket (my super brat Boxer dog) has the nose of a hound dog and a tongue like an anteater.

So picture me holding the brat-mut back with one hand, on my knees searching in blind vain for 493 pills that blend RIGHT in with the tile and MY HEAD THROBBING.

And yes, I did put all of the pills back in the bottle to be consumed at a later date. I am trailer trash.

posted by MilkMaid at 5:11 PM | 20 moos from the field
tornado heading right for us. And I'm posting it. That's dedication. Or...stupidity. We are supposed to take immediate shelter. I'm getting my camera. Not looking good. Must get pics
posted by Crabby at 4:54 PM | 10 moos from the field
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Alright, fess up. Have you ever copied the hairstyle or fashion of a celebrity? Who?

btw...up until I scanned these incriminating pics I could have said no comfortably. Short term memory loss can be a wonderful thing. LOL!

UGH! Just look at me! How pathetic. How geeky! How....... hang on. Ok. Just to be sure everybody knows....THAT is not my doll!

posted by Crabby at 4:23 PM | 19 moos from the field
Monday, October 02, 2006
First I would like to sincerly thank the Amish (who will never see this cuz most of them don't have electricity). I was in Amish country all day, Friday, running freely about hither and yon, being me. And not one person was offended! Bless their hearts! They even laughed at my jokes. Ya gotta love em. A sense of humor and they can cook and build cool stuff. Actually once you get them loosened up, they are surprisingly funny.

I have pics but it's been a busy few days and I'm still catching up. Amish country all day Friday, kidney infection all day Saturday. Made a new and exciting plan on Sundy (still working on it). Had medical tests and got finger hair today. The usual, yadda yadda.

But I leave you with this thought which, oddly enough I found on a sign in..... Taaaa daaaaaaa. Amish country. There was only one sign like it and I bought it, cuz the odds of ever seeing a sign like this again in Amish country are eeensy bitty.

This sign mostly heartly represents my exact feelings on friendship.

posted by Crabby at 1:08 PM | 17 moos from the field