Thursday, November 30, 2006
Fresh off the Ohio local news. (all true I swear on my Alchemy high scores....cept for the pics which I googled a'course)

Medical examiners today reported the dead woman found in her east side home died from natural causes.

She was found by burglers late yesterday after they broke in to pilfer a few pawnables.

One hour before deer hunting season officially began, a hunter hearing movement in a clump of nearby bushes, looked away from his watch in time to see a very large buck. Knowing the game warden would understand, he took aim and fired. Excited he approached the bushes with his trusy knife to bleed his kill preserving the meat.
He parted the bushes, muttered, "Oh fuck!" and fell to the ground with a heart attack. Turns out the buck was another hunter.

Later another deer hunter climbed up high in a sturdy tree. After wiggling about to steady his deer shooting stand or whatever you call them, the man toppled outa the tree hitting the ground with a tremendous thud. He died later from a concussion. However, the deer killing stand remained steadily perched in the tree. (nice job there)

As medics carried the man away a fellow hunter was certain he heard two deers whispering. "I'm glad they finally came to get that one. He stunk like animal piss."

When asked why the deer would say such a terrible thing the man replied, "Oh we douse ourselves in animal urine to hide our human scent."

And that folks is your Ohio news. O-hi-O. Where folks like me, are considered the smart people. Ya gotta love it.
posted by Crabby at 6:34 PM | 27 moos from the field
Wednesday, November 29, 2006


I personally love tweener week. For those of you not familiar ..... tweener week is that week between Thanksgiving and Christmas when you can pretend ya got nuttin ya need to to anytime soon. I use that week to catch up on my gaming high scores and eat a lot.

Sadly Tweener week is followed by fading denile week, which comes right before, "Fuck me, I'm so screwed" week. This is generally the week you see people rushing around with tiny bald spots on their heads where they've systematically jerked out handsful of hair in utter frustration. It also happens to be the one week of the year that I honest to goodness, nervous tic. No matter how normal I try to appear as I speak to strangers, my eye jumps and twitches all by itself, creating great discomfort in the person I'm speaking to as they stand there trying not to stare.

Ah, well. Enough of the future. Let's get down and get funky man! IT'S TWEENER WEEK! WOOT!
posted by Crabby at 9:07 AM | 38 moos from the field
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Snow saucers. Wonderful fun things. But sadly, unpredictable. I remember years ago......back in the stone age before Manny was born the squirrel and I got a saucer. We lived on a ravine back then and since there were so many danged trees it was hard to find a nice smooth strip of downhill.

Each saucer path had to be carefully tested before an actual launch occured. Now, I'm not big on personal injuries and The Squirrel has always been an easy mean adventurous. So my friends and I used.........I mean to say, "allowed" her to test the hill for us.

Nothing like the feeling of flying down that hill, your saucer spinning out of control. Oh the rush of it.

My friends and I got Squirrel centered on her saucer, lined her up, and gave her a hearty push sending her flying down that hill......well....until she began to bounce off trees. I swear to you it was like watching a human pinball. (There were several oooo's and ahhh's from the crowd. And a couple of Ughs. But I think that was the Squirrel)

The ride came to an abrupt halt when her saucer collided with a giant wooden spool frozen in the middle of the creek below. I think that's when she started howling like a beagle with it's foot caught in a trap. All I know for sure is, I couldn't get her to stop all the way back home. It was horribly embarrassing.

By that time of course I knew I was a dead girl walking. The squirrel's favorite activity aside from following me around was "ratting me out". And the constant crying and sobbing was sure to end in great ass pain for me.

By this time you're thinking I'm gonna say ....but to my surprise she didn't squeal. Think again. She sang like a friggin canary. It took all of maybe 12 seconds before I heard my first and middle name come outa my Mother's mouth. Once the middle name is uttered, it's all over but the ice packs strapped to your bright red butt cheeks.

I don't remember exactly but I think it was about 48 hours before I could sit comfortably. meanwhile Squirrel was being served hot chocolate and crap. Geez. Try to show somebody a good time. And you all wonder why I hate winter.
posted by Crabby at 9:18 AM | 21 moos from the field
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Dear Mr. President,

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Daisy. But you know may know me and my brethren better as big macs, whoppers, quarter pounder with cheese, wtf, EVER!

What we wanna know is, how come the turkey gets a friggin pardon every single year? Pardon my french but the turkey is a dumb sumbitch. Not to mention ugly as goat vomit.

SCREW THAT! We demand a yearly pardon too. And so do the pigs. We don't much give a shit what ya do with the chickens. Pointy beaked dumb asses.

We're mad as hell, sir. And we're not gonna take it anymore! Now get yer ass over here and start handin out those friggin pardons! Or so help me Mickey D, we'll ban together as one, pigs and cows standing side by side, and we'll whup yer ass. So don't go givin us any more shit, ya hear?
posted by Crabby at 12:13 PM | 18 moos from the field
Thursday, November 23, 2006
posted by MilkMaid at 8:36 AM | 10 moos from the field
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Hi..MilkMaid here, filling space until Crabster gets her butt in gear to entertain us again. (HINT...BIG FUCKING HINT!!)

So anyway, my Big Kid got married this weekend. You wanna see pictures, right? Of course you do.

And if you need to be bombarded with more, you can go herefor more pictures.
posted by MilkMaid at 6:26 PM | 15 moos from the field
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Look what I did today! I learned how to drive the BIG BUSTER! I LOVE THIS THING! I soooooo ROCK NOW! This was the best time ever! Oh btw, that's my yard. We knocked down the wall and ripped out the pool. Now we're clearing scrub and making a for real honest to goodness back yard. The guy who owns this bad boy was nice enough to teach me how to drive it. I swear it was the most fun I've had in.....well....EVER!

posted by Crabby at 2:40 PM | 50 moos from the field
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
While I've been down and out, I've had time to ponder. And one of the things I thought about was.....what object would I least like to be?

Now I had it down between a football and a nose hair trimmer till I saw this cartoon.

Deep thinking still makes my head ache so I leave it to you, my buddies. What object would you least like to be?
posted by Crabby at 8:39 AM | 11 moos from the field
Monday, November 13, 2006
Crab-o-licious is down and out with some bad ass'd migraine stuff. Sucks. I've had three full blown ones in my lifetime and that's three too many. Feel better soon Crab and in the meantime, enjoy my current favorite picture from Fickr.

posted by MilkMaid at 12:30 PM | 16 moos from the field
Thursday, November 09, 2006
First I thank you all so much for your statements below. This has been an emotional day.
Today I saw and heard evil, and watched good people suffer as this statement was read. My own husband was reduced to sobbing next to me. I even found myself later hugging his first wife and wishing I could make her pain go away. Much has happened. And I am not ok with this. And not able to do much more now than tell you what has happened.

*The Victims Statement.*

First of all we would like to say How Dare They! How dare they come into this courtroom before your bench and try to turn this case around to be about them. How dare they have the audacity to come into this courtroom on November 26th and assume that nothing in this case mattered except them and they would walk away with no accountability, being so brash in this assumption as to not even plan for a ride home if the assailant went to jail. How dare they!

This case in not about the finances of Donna and Wayne F. This case is not about their health. This case is about the felonious sexual assault of two minor children by the defendant Wayne F.

Wayne F. came into our home and found a private time to assault our 4 year old daughter V. He got her onto his lap, took his adult male hand with adult strength and size, put in inside the pants of his victim and inside the panties. He rubbed his hands hard inside her labia so it hurt badly and burned. He then took his adult male fingers and foreced them inside the vagina of our 4 year old little girl. When she tried to get away he wouldn't let her go until he was gratified. Finally when he was gratified he let her go and sent her away broken, injured, crying, confused and above all frightened. He continued this torture over and over again for 6 years. Ă…fter he had continued these assaults for 6 years he was diagnosed with cancer the very same cancer he says now makes him too frail to go to jail, well cancer, surgery, chemo and radiation did not make him too weak to seek out another victim. Again he came into our home and went after H his second victim in our home. He committed th same sexual assault with H again with no regard for the broken spirit he left behind. V walked in on the assault of H and finally came forward to protect her sister. We should all have so much courage.

If the pure heinous nature of the assault is not enough then let us look at the other aspects involved. He commited these acts of assault inside the homes of these girls, in their safe haven, their harbor from pain and danger. On top of destroying their sense of security in their own home, he was someone from their circle of trust, someone who is counted on to put their safety and their well being above all. To protect them from harm. Instead he committed the worst possible act of violence towards our children. After all of this he was cold, callous and calculated enough to sit at our table and share a meal with our family with no remorse. Cold enough to hug us and hug our children with no sign of anything being wrong.

Our daughter V was an outgoing energetic child before this happened. She loved to play, loved people, to hug and cuddle, all normal for a 4 year old child. Looking back now from the time the abuse started we knew she was changing and we didn't know why. She became withdrawn, shy, scared of people. She eventually became angry and rebellious for her aage. We could never figure out why. When her asailant was out of her life for a year undergoing cancer treatment she started to trust us with the truth, which was wonderful. She still is not the bubbly outgoing child she was before the assaults began, he has probably crushed tht part of her forever. V continues to be very quiet and a bit withdrawn but she is strong, strong enough to tell the truth.

H is so different from V. She is a soft, gentle loving soul. She has a giving heart and a delicate spirit. Her grandfather Wayne F took advantage of these beautiful parts of her and twisted them to serve his gross sexual desires. Had V not walked in and witnessed her sister being violated just as she had been, the abuse could have gone on for an indefinite length of time. Thanks to the courage of V the abuse was stopped in a matter of months.

There is no question if he committed these acts. There is no question of guilt here today. The only question before this court today is if justice is going to be done for these girls. We were forced to accept the lesser charge of Gross Sexual Imposition instead of rape to protect our girls from being dragged into the horrors of reliving all their pain in a court trial. We were then forced again by their assailant to plea bagain to a lesser charge or he was going to victimize them again by forcing them to testify in a jury trial. After 22 agonizing months we beg for justice to finally be served.

You are the elected voice of this community. You are the only voice for these young girls! There are two things that can happen here today and the outcome is in your control.

This court can choose the lesser sentence and make the clear statement that it is acceptable in our society to sexually assault our young children.


This court can speak out with the voice of this predators victims and say this is not acceptable. We will protect our children and we will seek justice when they are harmed. We feel that the longevity of the assault, the amoral disregard for his victims, the ongoing repeating of his crime with dozens and dozens of assaults and multiple victims call for nothing less than the maximum sentence allowed by the law.

We kindly thank you for your time and attention and beg you to be the voice of our girls.

*Comments made by the assailant.*

Yes. It happened. I wish I could take it back. But the children were not afraid of me. It was not rape. It was touching. (touching? Is that what they call it these days?)

In the background, his wife (who had the misfortune of sitting near me) was telling the woman next to her that her son was too gutless to show up. (he had sent a letter to the court supporting his children and explaining that he could not bring himself to be there. Understandable for such a betrayal, IMO.) She also made the comment that the children were not well disaplined. And how would she support herself if he were to go to jail.

*The verdict.*

Two weeks ago, the judge leaned heavily toward probation. Today when 30 people showed up in court on behalf of two young children who could not speak for themselves, he was forced to take stronger measures. But NOT, IMO, strong enough.

At first the judge gave a 6 month prison sentence to be followed by 10 years of some kind of "watching" by the courts. And of course the man will now be classified as a sexual predator.

Both attorneys quickly requested to approach the bench immediately after sentencing. You see, the minimum prison time for sexual offenders is 1 year. And so it became one year.

Why? Because the man is 65 years old and has had part of his colon removed because he had cancer. More importantly the judge was impressed with the findings of the court appointed therapist who reported, that after five weeks time, she feels certain, the liklihood of a reoffense is slim.
posted by Crabby at 2:01 PM | 12 moos from the field
Sentencing is today for the molestation of our grandchildren.

Bob was asked to read his daughters statement. I am concerned that statement will not have the effect she's hoping for and so is Bob. I may have to make my own plea to the court. I get wayyyy too emotional. I am not a good public speaker and I know absolutely nothing about courtroom junk. But I do know how much courage it took for that little girl to come forward and tell about the years of abuse she suffered to protect her baby sister.

The chance that this man could walk away now because of extenuating circumstances..... it just can't happen, you know? This child lived with this....alone. She came forward embarrassed, ashamed, and afraid.....alone ..... to "protect" her sister. It's time now for adults to stand with her and for her. To "protect" her, releive her burden, and let her be a child again.
posted by Crabby at 7:50 AM | 11 moos from the field
Friday, November 03, 2006

When we got to Ellie's yesterday to take her to lunch, she was visibly shaken. Very nervous and upset. For those of you who are just getting to know me and family, Ellie is my 84 year old, blind MIL.

After just a few short minutes in the car Ellie confessed to us that her 92 year old sister, is in just a bit....teensy really....minor tad of trouble. Seems the nursing home where Sis resides wants to put her in prison. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha! ( I swear. I am not making this up.)

She has apparantly brutalized the staff. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha! (sorry)


Anyway, they have contacted Sis's son and told him if he didn't sign papers to have her commited to some place for some thing, (it's all confusing to me) they were having her arrested because she's becoming abusive and violent.

Now, it could just be me but....let's think here....92, uses a walker, and blind. Seems like avoiding any onslaught from this gal could be pretty easy. However, I happen to know Sis, and she can be a booger! Oddly enough, the old gal likes me. LOL!

Poor Ellie. She's taking this awfully hard. Says she'd rather see Sis dead than in prison. Let's hope Sis doesn't hear that. Just a hunch but....I don't think she'd much like the sentiment.

Oh yeah, we're perfectly normal over here. Nothing wrong with us at all. Just a regular ole Norman Rockwell family. 'scuse me....I have to go pry the dogs tail outa the bird's mouth now.
posted by Crabby at 9:14 AM | 38 moos from the field
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Are you that one person in the whole wide world who's family members may be slightly.....F.U.B.A.R?

When you read those two page letters folded all neat in the middle of your christmas card from your friend who's kid just made the honor roll and saved up alllllll his money just to buy you a special Christmas gift. The friend who had a marvy vacation in the bahamas and got that big promotion..... do you use it as toilet paper?

Then you may need my help, friend. And I am happy to oblige.

First off, the Holiday's SUCK! THEY SUCK! If you don't think so....I know who you are! YOU are the 2 page letter writer. The person who already has alllll their Christmas gifts bought, wrapped, and bowed. YOU'RE FRIGGIN SICK, MAN! SICK!

deep cleansing breath. in.....and out. in.........and out.

Ok. Here are your helpful Crabby tips for making it through the worst two months of the year.

1. If you are fortunate enough to have a doctor that is willing to co-operate, ask him to put you in a coma and wake you up on December 26th. That way you have just enough time to get your muscles working right again in time for New Years. WOOT!

2. If the coma idea doesn't pan out, remind yourself will be over....eventually. Mark the done date on your calendar and visit it often.

3. When forced to spend time with family members who drive you right up the freakin wall...take a covered dish, lace it liberally with crushed up sleeping aids, wait for them to pass out, leave a brief thank you note, blow that pop stand, and head straight for the nearest fresh desert joint you can find. Preferrably one that serves margaritas.

4. Wait till the last minute to shop. The perky people are tired by then which makes them easier to knock down. Always (and I can NOT stress this enough) ALWAYS attach some kind of sharp pointy object to the toe of your shoe for those "talkers". You know the ones. That's right....the people who run into other people they know, block the isle, stand there and catch up on 4 or more lost years. KICK! KICK HARD! They damn well deserve it.

5. Sometimes a nice drive will help with your holiday depression. So pack your bags, fill up the tank and drive. Just drive. And keep driving. Who knows, you may end up in Vegas, or the French Quarter. Sadly, you will be miles away from the in-laws and the out-laws but....isn't the holiday season about loving "all" your fellow men?

Thank you're welcome.
posted by Crabby at 5:43 PM | 26 moos from the field