The slobber queen refuses to let me do my sit ups in peace. And when I try to do push ups, she thinks I'm playing and tries to wrestle me.

The problem here, Lucy has outgrown her kennel. The heft of her big yellow self has cracked the heavy plastic floor in 8 places. This dog, now weighs almost 100 pounds. I'd put her on a diet but, she's not fat. Just ENORMOUS! Enormous and playful. I got up in the middle of the night to pee. Shuffled off to the bathroom and nearly broke my neck tripping over the giant wagging mound that is Lucy.

The other night Jake was playing with her with a red laser light. He ran it up the wall to the ceiling. Lucy decided to jump for it. Only thing that even left the ground were her two front feet and then...no more than an inch. No way that beast is gonna get airborn. She landed with a thud I bet you heard at your house.

Add to that, she's a cuddler. She HAS to be where ever I am. Now this is fine when I'm not moving. But when I walk from room to room she follows so closely there is no doubt in my mind if I make a sudden stop, she and I will have to be rushed to the emergency room to have her snout surgically removed from my anus.

As I type this, my trusty drooling companion, has her head on my lap, gazing up at me lovingly. I swear I can't feel my toes. Her fat head has cut off the circulation in my leg.

There must be some way to keep this dog busy. If I put her outside she tries to dig up the skunk hole so she can cuddle with them. Which we all, now know ....... they don't like so much.

OK PEOPLE GATHER 'ROUND. IT'S TIME FOR EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE GAME. WHERE'S CRABBY?

Labels: anus, beast, companion, golden retriever, sit ups, slobber