After experiencing years of strange oddities in the shower this reporter decided to dig in and get the real dirt on soap. The facts aren't pretty. Consider, if you will:
THE HAIRY SOAP PHENOMENA
Out of nowhere, a hair, or hairs, appear on the bar of soap. You inquire from the only other person who uses the soap, asking if he has been carelessly rubbing said soap over hairy portions of his body again. He responds adamantly, "Who me?" It wasn't him. And you know it wasn't you. Yet, the soap has been haired. Not wanting to touch the mysterious hair, you rinse, and rinse, and rinse some more, until at last the hair disappears. Turning the soap in your hand you begin to lather only to discover the hair has reappeared on the other side! But how?

THE INFAMOUS TOE ATTACK
Finished lathering, you return the soap to it's holder and begin to wash. You find yourself relaxed by the spray of warm water on your skin and begin to hum. All is good with the world until......suddenly....... the soap (which has put on weight) lands on your big toe. Unthinking, you quickly swing your foot up to safety. Throwing yourself off balance you end up with your ass planted over the shower drain which is now making great sucking noises as though it had just had it's oxygen cut off.

THE SLEEPER HEAD SHOT
You begin washing your hair (no where near the soap), bend down returning the shampoo to the floor when........ without warning ..... you receive a blow to the head rendering you temporarily unconscious. When you awake, you find yourself dazed and confused gazing up into the pretty lights, muttering....."mommy". It takes several moments before you regain sanity and realize you've been attacked. You look around and see....absolutely no one and nothing .......except that innocent bar of soap lying on the shelf? Coincidence? I think not!

Our soap is attacking us, people? Admit it. You have had one or more of these experiences, haven't you? So. What are we gonna do about it? I say we fight back. But how? How?

ADDENDUM
MAJOR PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

thanks to Angela Marie in the comments section below, it has been brought to my attention that bar soap is not the only place pubes gather. they are also in our beds, people! Which means, in your sleep ..... you could unknowingly sniff up, and swallow enough pubes to create a
hairball! This could require a trip to your doctor to have a pube hairball removed. Oh the shame of it. Go! Go now! Check your beds. Leave no cover unturned. Protect yourself!

Labels: attacks, booty call, conspiracy, killer soap, showers

It was a senseless, tragic, accident. She fell and couldn't get up. By the time they found her she had drown in her own drool. The, dear, dear, woman. How she must have suffered. If only she'd had one of those medic alert necklaces with the button on it. Sadly last months contest did not have a cash prize so I couldn't loan Gramma the 50 bucks "and" get my new camera. Life is so unfair!

What can I say about my Gramma? Most of us referred to her as, "The Gripper". She had terrible bouts of constipation due to her passion for various yellow cheeses. Consequently she left quite a noxious trail behind wherever she went. Some of the family shunned her because of that rotten egg smell. But not me! I loved my Gramma. I always rubbed mineral oil on her bloated tummy and gifted her with many dried prunes, while she sang Beautiful Dreamer just for me.

I was fortunate to be with Gramma when she passed. Her last words to me were, "Win one for the Gripper."

Oh, how can I even think about that blogger interview contest now? What will I do with all these left over prunes? I mean after all, it's only 50 DOLLARS. So what if I'm unemployed? What does it matter now that gramma's gone?

But, it was her dying wish. And as bloggers everywhere are my witness, I will fight to win this for, "The Gripper". God bless her!

Now go people. Go and VOTE! GIVE CRABBY A THUMBS UP and when you do comment loud and clear.....THIS ONE RIGHT "HERE" IS FOR THE GRIPPER!

Labels: booty call, dead gramma, yellow cheese