about
THE HAIRY SOAP PHENOMENA
Out of nowhere, a hair, or hairs, appear on the bar of soap. You inquire from the only other person who uses the soap, asking if he has been carelessly rubbing said soap over hairy portions of his body again. He responds adamantly, "Who me?" It wasn't him. And you know it wasn't you. Yet, the soap has been haired. Not wanting to touch the mysterious hair, you rinse, and rinse, and rinse some more, until at last the hair disappears. Turning the soap in your hand you begin to lather only to discover the hair has reappeared on the other side! But how?THE INFAMOUS TOE ATTACK
Finished lathering, you return the soap to it's holder and begin to wash. You find yourself relaxed by the spray of warm water on your skin and begin to hum. All is good with the world until......suddenly....... the soap (which has put on weight) lands on your big toe. Unthinking, you quickly swing your foot up to safety. Throwing yourself off balance you end up with your ass planted over the shower drain which is now making great sucking noises as though it had just had it's oxygen cut off.THE SLEEPER HEAD SHOT
You begin washing your hair (no where near the soap), bend down returning the shampoo to the floor when........ without warning ..... you receive a blow to the head rendering you temporarily unconscious. When you awake, you find yourself dazed and confused gazing up into the pretty lights, muttering....."mommy". It takes several moments before you regain sanity and realize you've been attacked. You look around and see....absolutely no one and nothing .......except that innocent bar of soap lying on the shelf? Coincidence? I think not!Our soap is attacking us, people? Admit it. You have had one or more of these experiences, haven't you? So. What are we gonna do about it? I say we fight back. But how? How?
ADDENDUM
MAJOR PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
thanks to Angela Marie in the comments section below, it has been brought to my attention that bar soap is not the only place pubes gather. they are also in our beds, people! Which means, in your sleep ..... you could unknowingly sniff up, and swallow enough pubes to create a
hairball! This could require a trip to your doctor to have a pube hairball removed. Oh the shame of it. Go! Go now! Check your beds. Leave no cover unturned. Protect yourself!
Labels: attacks, booty call, conspiracy, killer soap, showers
At 9/26/2007 2:11 PM, 
Zen Wizard
Soap is extracting its revenge on the human race, for our grotesque "reverse conjoined twins" habit, where we take two small soap bars--sometimes of even different brands--and get them wet and squeeze them together.
We don't even consider that the two soap bars might not like each other--indeed, they may have centuries-old hostilities between them, e.g., Irish Spring and Dove probably have hostilities built up over centuries of English oppression over Ireland, and we just squeeze the Irish Spring together with the Dove.
If I am a Dove bar, also, I am one-quarter cleansing cream, and melding me together with another bar of soap would make me one-EIGHTH cleansing cream, and force me to be a cojoined twin with an "untermensch" Zest bar.
We heartlessly "use" soap as our hygienic indentured servant--and then we brag about the exploitation on national TV, e.g., "Aren't you glad you use Dial? Don't you wish everybody did?"
If you feel bad about getting a hair on your soap, think about how a Lever Brothers soap feels: They are brothers, and they have to spend all day with white-people hair on them!
Justacoolcat, I'm thinkin' I might stop too. How clean does a person need to be anyhow?
Lime, I'm sure it is. Positive. I think it's growing mold in my shower too.
Zen, sure. Take up for the soap. Till one them jumps you in the shower. Little bustards! I've never squeezed soap together before...but I'm going to now... bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha! See how they like that!
At 9/26/2007 2:31 PM, MilkMaid
OOoooo the entire corner rack attacked MilkMan at 4AM last week. Rusted right in half and every bottle and tube of lotion, potion and wash came crashing down with the rusted heap.
He called me at 7 when we got up to tell me about the pile he left in the shower and how his foot was all bruised LOL
Pube hair on soap sends me over the damn edge. I use bottled shower wash, no bar crap for me. I don't touch MilkMan's either, unless I'm forced to pick it up for his slobby ass.
At 9/26/2007 3:32 PM, SignGurl
I swear I thought I was the only one who does the soap squeezing thing, only I don't exactly squeeze it. You take that little bitty bit that is left after you have used the entire thing up, and wet a new bar and stick the old onto the new. You never have to throw out that last little bit. I'm cheap like that.
Poor, poor Crabby. Multiple attacks in the shower. Invite me up and I shower with you and protect you from that nasty soap.
Or, after reading about the attack by your soap, perhaps I shall avoid bathing for ever. No, I can’t do that: the cat would begin grooming and bathing me. Yucky cat spit!
Or, how about this: I am relaxing in the tub, reading a mystery novel when the sandman attacks. I drop the novel on the table beside the tub (placed there for that purpose), clothes my eyes, begin a semi-erotic dream, when I suddenly feel a weight on my chest and realize I cannot breath. Am I having a heart attack? I open my eyes and see nothing but white… white fur! Alex, the furball feline who hates water in all forms has climbed upon my reclining chest, curled himself into a ball, and fallen asleep. Rhythmic purrs! Damned cat!
You know I have been attacked a few times but they have been spread put so I never thought anything about it. I bet this has been the soap attacking all along. I am keeping my eye out on that soap from now on.
Splish splash I was taking a bath
long about Saturday night...
Tiny bubbles...
Rubber Ducky, you're the one,
You make bathtime lots of fun...
Oh dear, the soap has rotted my brain.
At 9/27/2007 12:33 AM, Spoony Quine
` Aaaaaa haaaaa haaaaa haaaaaa! Mental images! Naked and funny at the same time! Whaaaa haaaa haaaa haaa!
` Zen Wizard - *pauses* Aaaaaa haaa haaaa haaaaaaaaaa.... This grafting thing is why I only use one brand of soap (Tom's) - who wants to use mutant soap, anyway?
` I once read a Mary Roach article on this phenomenon - except her family uses up the very last traces of the jumble of soap by putting it in a net to wash dishes....
` Speaking of cat spit, I'm going to put another cat spit thing on my mad scientist blog - the one up now show my kitten licking my armpit!!! Nick is right, soap is nicer!
` What's weird is that hairs on soap do not faze me. But what does is the fact that Lou and I live in an apartment house where any one of thirty-six different water taps/toilets might suddenly divert our water supply with no notice.
` Now that's REALLY aggravating!
` Shutting up now. BTW, my other kitten is licking my hands just now....
brighton, if the fellas only knew what a turn off those pubs left on the soap are. ICK ICK!
Sign, you know I never thought of it! It's a great idea really. Payback for the soap and money saving at the same time.
Nick, I can't believe Alex will get that close to the bath water. See? He is smart enough to leave your laptop out for. LOL!
Barman, oh yeah. It's the soap. Most definitely. Turn around real fast some time. You'll see it on the edge ready to pounce.
ebezp, just watch out for the bottle. It's controlled by the soap, I bet.
Nikki, I just went to your site and checked it out. You are awesome and I linked you here. Keep on rockin'!
lee ann, me either. it's just too icky. You're welcome on the birthday wishes. Glad you had a fun one.
tsduff, oh baby, menopause lasts for a loooong time. It's not so bad if you're on light hormones. Keeps you from killing the men-folk.
See, you mean .... they kidnap your water? You need a weapon. something sophisticated with a tracker on it so you can track down who took it then nail them in the ass.
G! ACCCCK! THOSE AREN'T MY PUBES! LOL! NOW STOP THAT!
Angela Marie, I never thought of that. Well, now I'll have to do a search before I jump under the covers. Pubes up the nose. Once they're there, you know it's just a short hop to your throat. Can you imagine going to the doc to have a pube ball removed?
Curly, lush.com....ok. I'm going. But that stuff better play nice.
Mone, it is gross for sure and certain. A total bleck out. and it's harder than crap to get one off.
At 9/27/2007 5:23 PM, Zen Wizard
What about those Summer's Eve commercials that have a guy vacuuming his 'nads with a Dustbuster, and then the tag line goes, "Men have their way of being gentle. We have ours..."
As a man, I am highly offended by that commercial. We don't see, for instance, commercials of Asian restauranteurs skinning a cat in an alley and the tag line going, "Asians have their way of barbequeing. We have ours..." and the commercial is for Dale's Marinade Sauce or whatever.
How come it is okay to make fun of males? And for that matter, the Irish? And, I guess, make fun of Irish males twice?
You don't see a commercial for Axe Bodywash that says, "Women are dumb broads, so this bodywash is in a bottle that only you will be able to figure out the nozzle of...and if your old lady is Irish, make sure she doesn't use this bodywash as a marinade."
At 9/27/2007 11:14 PM, Spoony Quine
` LOL @ kidnapping my water! Yes, it happens, but not long enough for anyone to write a ransom note.
` The worst is when I'm washing dishes (in the shower) and the water pressure goes to zero and I'm forced to keep myself warm AND keep washing dishes by putting them directly over my head.
` BTW, Summer's Ever commercials with vacuuming scrotums... WHAT? The things I miss without a TV.
Little Wing, I was attacked again today. This time it went for my eyes. Nasty bugger.
BT, geez, man. That's like the pot callin' the kettle a pot .... sumthin like that.
Shell, OWIE! Damn, girl. That would hurt like a bustard. Isn't there an law that says a guy can NOT use a woman's face soap?
Wize, you kill me! LOL! When we had to go without power for a week, I loved it. I'd just hop in the hot tub and wiggle a round, then pronounce myself, "clean".
Zen, I NEVER thought of that about the soap on a rope. It makes complete sense! I mean....you wouldn't let a angry pitbull run around loose, right?
Is that really a commercial? I'm almost sorry I asked. I'm so friggin easy. I'd bet 3 dollars, it isn't and he's laughin his ass off now.
Barman, YES! All the time. LOL! In fact, twice today.
Sornie, EWWWWWWWWWW! LOL! HEY, I'm coming over. Don't clean up anything for me. I wouldn't feel at home in a neat blog or house.
lil bit, you know what? I had to put the link to this page there because my profile doesn't link you directly back. I need to fix that somehow but....who knows how? Not me. And not Milky either. All this techie stuff makes my noggin hurt.
Check your shoes before you leave.
That's why I never bathe.