Last night I dreamed I was being chased by clowns.
This morning I made the mistake of telling Bob and Jake about the dream because....HULLLOOOO! I friggin' hate clowns. They scare the pee outa' me!

Bob: I don't understand why you hate clowns so much.

Jake: Yeah. What'd a clown ever do to you?

Me: Because you don't know what's REALLY going on under all that makeup. And they have those giant pockets to keep weapons in and stuff! You....can NOT ...... trust a clown!

Bob: What about wooden dummies? Do you like those?

ME: NO! I hate dummies with their fake mouths that go up and down like weird little mouth guillotines. And those glass eyeballs that roll around in their heads? Always lookin' at everybody, sizing them up, watching every move, like freaked out wooden serial killers or something.

Jake: I thought you hated telemarketers.

Me: PAH! Everybody hates them. Telemarketers should be sent to an island inhabited by cannibals with nothing but their headsets and a pair of sneakers.

Bob: So you hate clowns, dummies, and telemarketers? What about Mimes?

ME: practically choking on my coffee: ESPECIALLY Mimes! A mime followed me once at Sea World. Everytime I told him to go away he imitated me. When I tried to turn around and just ignore him people started laughing because he was doing stuff behind my back. I SWEAR I seriously imagined pushing his head into the whale tank and holding it there till the bubbles stopped coming up.

Now, I should have known all these questions were a set up. But nooooooo. In my defense...it was early and I'd only had one cup of coffee.

Bob: you know those coffins that have corner momento plaques for photos of things that were special to a person when they were alive?

Jake starts laughing.

Me: (now suspicious) what about them?

Bob: when you ....er.... move on, Jake and I will get you one and have a picture of a clown, a dummy, a telemarketer, and a mime on each corner.

Jake chuckles.

Me: Oh no you won't! Besides, I don't wanna be buried. I wanna be taxidermied. I already told you guys that.

Bob: We can't. It's not legal in this country.

Me: So take me to another country and bring me back after.

Jake: How would we get you back into this country?

Me: Toss a blanket over me! Do I have to do "all" the thinking around here?

Bob: I can't do it. Having a dead woman on the sofa would hinder my future dating endeavors.

Me: WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DATE ANOTHER WOMAN AFTER ME?

Jake: She has a point.

Labels: cannibals, clowns, dating, dreams, dummies, mimes, taxidermy, telemarketers