interviewer: So Crabby, is it true that after years of avoiding housework in every creative fashion possible, you now must clean or die? You have an allergy to dust "that" severe?
crab: DOH! No I'm just cleanin' my butt off cuz it's my new hobby. Hell yes, it's true! Life has kicked me in the ass so many times I'm sportin' a butt crack the size of the Grand Canyon. But this, THIS, is cruel! And I'm not allergic to dust. I'm allergic to sh#!"
interviewer: Um. I am sorry Crabby but we don't use that word here.
crab: POOP! Can I say poop? I'm allergic to dust mite poop. Tiny little microscopic turds, shat out by the dust mite. And apparently there are millions of them all over my house. And I have to clean it up. But first I'm gonna kill the little bas.....
interviewer: Yes. Yes. Thank you. We get the idea. You recently went on strike against the men in your house for buying pickles?
crab: Oh HULLO! It was a lot more than pickles! They got a Sam's club membership back in August. They started buying restaurant sized jars of pickles, peppers, and mustard. Wheels of cheese. Pounds and pounds of fat bacon. You couldn't even see the floor of my pantry! And my frig???? FORGET IT! Nothing would fit in there anymore. It was a nightmare. So I stopped cleaning the frig and the pantry. Went on strike.
interviewer: Two days ago you stopped the strike and what did you find in the refrigerator?
crab: The portal to hell.
interviewer: I bet they were grateful you came off that strike and got back to work.
crab: Yeah well, you'd lose that bet, missy. When I bitched about the mess I had to clean up and told them I was officially off strike....they were confused. They didn't know I was ever on strike. MEN!
interviewer: So how does it feel to live in a dust free house now?
crab: How thee hell would I know? I've only finished two rooms.
interviewer: But you've been working for a week. You must be finished with at least a floor of the house? How dirty could your house have been?
crab: Ah, hell. There they go again. Multiply like bunny rabbits. 'scuse me.

Crab: You were sayin'??
interviewer: Um....nnnno...no nothing. That was all.

Labels: ass kicking, butt cracks, cleaning, cleaning strike, dance recitals from hell, dust mites., foul moody crab, good housekeeping, poop, stinky peppers