Thursday, November 08, 2007
interviewer: So Crabby, is it true that after years of avoiding housework in every creative fashion possible, you now must clean or die? You have an allergy to dust "that" severe?
crab: DOH! No I'm just cleanin' my butt off cuz it's my new hobby. Hell yes, it's true! Life has kicked me in the ass so many times I'm sportin' a butt crack the size of the Grand Canyon. But this, THIS, is cruel! And I'm not allergic to dust. I'm allergic to sh#!"
interviewer: Um. I am sorry Crabby but w
e don't use that word here.
crab: POOP! Can I say poop? I'm allergic to dust mite poop. Tiny little microscopic turds, shat out by the dust mite. And apparently there are millions of them all over my house. And I have to clean it up. But first I'm gonna kill the little bas.....

interviewer: Yes. Yes. Thank you. We get the idea. You recently went on strike against the men in your house for buying pickles?
crab: Oh HULLO! It was a lot more than pickles! They got a Sam's club membership back in August. They started buying restaurant sized jars of pickles, peppers, and mustard. Wheels of cheese. Pounds and pounds of fat bacon. You could
n't even see the floor of my pantry! And my frig???? FORGET IT! Nothing would fit in there anymore. It was a nightmare. So I stopped cleaning the frig and the pantry. Went on strike.
interviewer: Two days ago you stopped the strike and what did you find in the refrigerator?
crab: The portal to hell.
interviewer: I bet they were grateful you came off that strike and got back to work.
crab: Yeah well, you'd lose that bet, missy. When I bitched about the mess I had to clean up and told them I was officially off strike....they were confused. They didn't know I was ever on strike. MEN!

interviewer: So how does it feel to live in a dust free house now?
crab: How thee hell would I know? I've only finished two rooms.
interviewer: But you've been working for a week. You must be finished with at least a floor of the house? How dirty could your house have been?
crab: Ah, hell. There they go again. Multiply like bunny rabbits. 'scuse me.

Crab: You were sayin'??
interviewer: Um....nnnno...no nothing. That was all.




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posted by Crabby at 9:19 AM |


27 Comments:


At 11/08/2007 10:40 AM, Blogger Vi

eeeewwww, those little mites are in MY house????

Still won't make me do the housework.

*shakes head*

Nope.

 

At 11/08/2007 11:01 AM, Blogger GAB

yeah I dont even want to think about my house I bet its as bad or worst than yours. Oh wait. Mr Gab cleaned the living room yesterday and the day before :0 the dirt!
Now I gotta wait until next week for him to attack our bedroom. Only cause he works now until monday.

 

At 11/08/2007 11:32 AM, Blogger Manny

KILL THE MITES !

THE MITES MUST DIE !

DEATH TO THE MITES !

I have an idea...

Send the men to Sam's Club and have them buy the strongest powered leaf blower they sale and blow the dust right out the door.

 

At 11/08/2007 11:43 AM, Blogger barman

Do you know how bad things like beds and furniture are for dust mites? Hey at least the areas I have seen of your house have solid surfaces and not carpet.

When you figure out how to get rid of the dust mites let me know.

 

At 11/08/2007 11:57 AM, Blogger Crabby

Vi, apparently, they are everywhere. It's just my foul luck to develop a death allergy to them. I am wiggin out over here, baby. There are two floors of my house, I never even look at! oh the wrongness of it all.

Gabby, not to fret hunny bun. Your house can't possibly be as bad as mine. I have spent all my time playing and just making things passable. Now I have to actually look over and under stuff. ICK! I swear, I don't know how clean, tidy folk do it.

Manny, that's a damn fine idea. I'll blow Webby your way. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha! He's the worst! I might have to find a home for him, seriously.

Barman, I know how you kill them. But it's hard. You have to keep you humidity levels at 50% or under. That makes for a heck of a lot of static electricity. You won't believe this place next time you see it. I'm cleaning everything. Only cause I like living.

 

At 11/08/2007 12:16 PM, Blogger wisdomstuff

If I can't see them surely they are not there :-)

 

At 11/08/2007 1:05 PM, Blogger Manny

Go ahead and send Webby over. That bird got me in trouble and I have 3 cat's waiting to set the score straight. LOL

I want that recipe.

 

At 11/08/2007 1:06 PM, Blogger Manny

You should train your dust mites to 'go' on the paper. Just house train them.

 

At 11/08/2007 2:35 PM, Blogger barman

"A typical used mattress may have anywhere from 100,000 to 10 million mites inside. (Ten percent of the weight of a two year old pillow can be composed of dead mites and their droppings.)"

I hope you are getting some sort of mattress/pillow covers, just saying.

 

At 11/08/2007 2:55 PM, Blogger barman

Oh lookie what else I found. This is a goodun'

A study (Feb 2005) by Kingston University (London UK) shows that simply by leaving your bed unmade each morning, with the sheets to be exposed to the air, allows the sheets to dry out, and substantially reduces the numbers of dust mites.

 

At 11/08/2007 3:23 PM, Blogger Crabby

Wisdom...you are surely worthy of your name. I LIKE the way you think!!!

Manny, you grudge holder, you! LMAO! He's just an innocent little bird.

Barman, I not only got covers...I replaced the old pillows. But I'm not replacing that blasted mattress!

Barman, You mean....not making my bed....would be a good thing? Hallelujah!!! Finally something I can embrace!

 

At 11/08/2007 3:45 PM, Blogger SignGurl

I feel your pain from here. Maybe you could hire Jake to clean for you?

 

At 11/08/2007 3:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

is there no end to your crazy whacky hilarious humor?
I love this interview, the pics are great, your writing is top rate!
You are one of a kind crabby.
*is the check in the mail?*
tc

 

At 11/08/2007 4:37 PM, Blogger Crabby

Sign...Jake blew all the leaves out for the city leaf crew today so they'd be away from the house. (the wet weather molds them up or something) And he did it in the middle of a work day. How nice was that? Course...he's making a Christmas list this year akin to one of Manny's. Kinda makes ya think, huh?
btw...you are lookin hot, baby! I loved that video you put up today. You're sooo pretty!

TC...The check, my dog, my bread pudding, even Bob...he's real good with computers...you're getting it all. LOL! I love you, man.

 

At 11/08/2007 6:00 PM, Blogger Manny

Crab-No, you didn't listen to Barman. He said dust mites is an excellent excuse NOT to make your bed. ahh ah

 

At 11/08/2007 6:03 PM, Blogger MilkMaid

Nice magazine cover Crabs, ya hit the big time with Britney and Pamela Lee, huh?

Portal to hell...that's about the best description to my fridge I've heard yet.

You are a GOOF.

 

At 11/09/2007 12:06 AM, Blogger Unknown

So you are no longer on strike? Ha!

Just remember, Crabby, those microscopic mites eat the dead skin cells that are constantly flaking off us humans. If it weren’t for the mites, we’d be knee-deep in our own dead cells.

 

At 11/09/2007 7:39 AM, Blogger Manny

That sounds gross.

 

At 11/09/2007 8:47 AM, Blogger Crabby

Milky, pah-leeze! Pamela Lee wishes she had my bodacious boobs. She's always wanted to be me. And Brittney...well, she's just not even in my league.
And...where thee hell have you been, missy? Lemme guess. It's November. You're a new Mimi....you...are in Martha mode again? I'm right, huh? You've gone, Martha. That's ok. Hate to admit it...I'm getting there myself. Ready to paint the downstairs bath. Cozy things up.

Nick, I KNOW! that's what the allergist told me.
They're doing a crap job on my dead skin cells though. I still have to exfoliate. (sigh)

Manny, You have trillions of those uglies climbing alllllll over your body right now...eating your dead skin. ooooOOOOOOOoooooooo. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha!

 

At 11/09/2007 9:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous

lol...damn girl!

I'm buying this issue for educational purposes.

 

At 11/09/2007 11:46 AM, Blogger MilkMaid

This week, I was hanging on the toilet tossing my cookies so hard my toenails came up. BAD JUJU.

Better now...and yes, Martha Mode. I'm doing Thanksgiving here, so I gotta get this ship cleaned off a little.

Miss you! xxoo

 

At 11/09/2007 12:29 PM, Blogger Crabby

Slick, stick with me, kid. I'll teach ya all kinds of junk. LOL!

Milky, I miss you too. I didn't know you were sick. That's the worst kinda sick too. bleck!
I'm kinda doin' the Martha thing too. I have to get this place in order. I've let it go too long. And now I wanna do my downstairs guest bath and turn that extra room upstairs into a guest room. It's fall and winter that gets us. And the holidays. Holidays are always Martha time.

 

At 11/09/2007 12:33 PM, Blogger lime

damn, yo ugot dogs humping and dust mites humping. what kind of house of ill repute yougot over there, crabby?

 

At 11/09/2007 1:40 PM, Blogger Crabby

Lime, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha! You have a point there. I should put a red light in the window.

 

At 11/09/2007 6:16 PM, Blogger tsduff

I've learned so much from this issue. I must have that picture of bugs in the icebox to give to my daughter. (She can't do bugs). I'm almost in Martha mode myself... gotta... get... house... cleaned... for 18 people.....company.... coming....

 

At 11/09/2007 7:47 PM, Blogger Crabby

TS, ain't that the truth. It's definitely "that" time of year. I have Thanksgiving here with my sisters and then Christmas here on Christmas eve with Bob's side of the family. So pretty much the whole holiday season is crazy busy. Right up till Christmas day when Manny and the squirrel take over all cooking and holiday work and I just veg.

 

At 11/10/2007 4:42 PM, Blogger S. E. E. Quine

` I wonder if installing a central vacuum cleaner would help?