While taking Mikey's interview a question came up asking if I work and what I do. It made me think. Truth is I've had some memorable jobs.

So I've decided to run a series on jobs I've had. If you have a weak stomach, or are easily offended, you might want to skip these stories.

That said, sit down, kick your shoes off and let's start with.......

Dog Grooming.
Length of employment 1 days.
Difficulty level (on scale from 1-10) = 7
Payoff -$74.32

Never one to start a project without a proper education, I bought myself a book on poodle grooming. I already had a dog that sort of resembled a poodle so I didn't need to hire a model. I also bought a lovely set of doggie clippers.
Arrived home, unpacked new work tools, chased dog around sofa several times till panting wildly, I gave up and decided to lure her with a wienie. The real trick to dog grooming is...ya gotta be smarter than the dog.
The hum and buzz off the clippers immediately put the dog off. She wanted no part of it. She pulled. She pushed. She rolled herself into a ball like a potato bug. I persisted.

"oops. oops. Sorry. hold still. Be a good girl. DON'T MOVE, DAMN IT! Ah, hell." On and on it went for oh.....over two hours of shaving, scissoring, and wrestling. But I have to tell you at the end of that time I had an extremely original looking dog. She very much resembled a lion who'd been attacked by 4 grizzly bears. Her long tail was butt nekkid....her butt.....resembled the back end of a baboon. One ear was shorter than the other. And I'd forgotten to trim that 4th leg. Otherwise, it wasn't bad. So I called my first client. Miss Ellie.

I picked up Ellie's dog. Ellie was thrilled to have me doing her pup because I was charging less than the groomer and Sam the dog was crazy about me.

It was just after I'd began the bathing process when the phone rang and Ellie said, "Don't forget to express her anal glands."

"Huh?"

"Oh Sammy has to have her anal glands cleaned every 4 weeks or she has leakage."

"What kind of leakage?"

Ellie told me but I didn't believe her so I got my book and looked it up. Sure enough. There was an entire section on how to empty the anal glands. Basically what ya do is ... you squeeze the critter's anus like a zit until stinky juice spits out. Now, no dog worth their alpo and milkbones is gonna stand there while some jackass squeezes the hell out of their dung hole. It's NOT natural people! And no self-respecting human is gonna put their face next to a dogs pooper to make sure the stink juice comes out. I did the only thing I could do. I cleaned the dog up and lied my ass off. I know the dog appreciated it.

And that....was the beginning and end of a beautiful career in....dog grooming.

Labels: anus squeezing, bad jobs, dogs, unemployment