about
While taking Mikey's interview a question came up asking if I work and what I do. It made me think. Truth is I've had some memorable jobs.
So I've decided to run a series on jobs I've had. If you have a weak stomach, or are easily offended, you might want to skip these stories.
That said, sit down, kick your shoes off and let's start with.......
Dog Grooming.
Length of employment 1 days.
Difficulty level (on scale from 1-10) = 7
Payoff -$74.32
Never one to start a project without a proper education, I bought myself a book on poodle grooming. I already had a dog that sort of resembled a poodle so I didn't need to hire a model. I also bought a lovely set of doggie clippers.
Arrived home, unpacked new work tools, chased dog around sofa several times till panting wildly, I gave up and decided to lure her with a wienie. The real trick to dog grooming is...ya gotta be smarter than the dog.
The hum and buzz off the clippers immediately put the dog off. She wanted no part of it. She pulled. She pushed. She rolled herself into a ball like a potato bug. I persisted.
"oops. oops. Sorry. hold still. Be a good girl. DON'T MOVE, DAMN IT! Ah, hell." On and on it went for oh.....over two hours of shaving, scissoring, and wrestling. But I have to tell you at the end of that time I had an extremely original looking dog. She very much resembled a lion who'd been attacked by 4 grizzly bears. Her long tail was butt nekkid....her butt.....resembled the back end of a baboon. One ear was shorter than the other. And I'd forgotten to trim that 4th leg. Otherwise, it wasn't bad. So I called my first client. Miss Ellie.
I picked up Ellie's dog. Ellie was thrilled to have me doing her pup because I was charging less than the groomer and Sam the dog was crazy about me.
It was just after I'd began the bathing process when the phone rang and Ellie said, "Don't forget to express her anal glands."
"Huh?"
"Oh Sammy has to have her anal glands cleaned every 4 weeks or she has leakage."
"What kind of leakage?"
Ellie told me but I didn't believe her so I got my book and looked it up. Sure enough. There was an entire section on how to empty the anal glands. Basically what ya do is ... you squeeze the critter's anus like a zit until stinky juice spits out. Now, no dog worth their alpo and milkbones is gonna stand there while some jackass squeezes the hell out of their dung hole. It's NOT natural people! And no self-respecting human is gonna put their face next to a dogs pooper to make sure the stink juice comes out. I did the only thing I could do. I cleaned the dog up and lied my ass off. I know the dog appreciated it.
And that....was the beginning and end of a beautiful career in....dog grooming.
Labels: anus squeezing, bad jobs, dogs, unemployment
She wanted you to do WHAT with WHAT? No Way!!! Maybe you should have got Manny to do it! LOL
You know, if you make dumb people feel superior... maybe that is your calling in life and you can make like lots of money at it. And just so people do not figure out that you really are not that dumb, maybe Bob should handle the money. I think you could retire in a year or two tops. People are so vain. Just think, if a someone like, lets say a President, does something stupid ... in you step and no one pays attention to what they did in the first place. You might be able to retire this year.
Oh I forgot to mention. One job I had when I was growing up lasted part of a day. It was helping them put together a carnival. What did I do???
I held onto the spikes for the big top tents while the swung away at it with sledge hammers. Now how is that for a fun job? I did other things too but that part sticks with me.
They taught me how to hold it so I would release it if someone where to miss the stake and hit my arm. They also said look away so that I would not tense up and end up with a broken arm if they missed. NICE!
By the way, no one missed but in the end I was one tired puppy.
curly, YES! The floor is a dog's toilet paper. ICK ICK ICK! Just yesterday Lucy went out to do her thing and couldn't dislodge something. She ran around out front like a crazed mule with itching powder down his shorts. Finally she tried again and wouldn't ya know....a stick came out. Soon as she got inside...she scooted herself across my clean floor.
Zen, that's a crackerjack idea!
Barman, you could be onto something here. I hadn't thought about making money at this but...they say if you work doing what you're good at, you can make a killing. Being of simple mind comes as naturally to me as breathing. I tell you, bro, this could work!
NO WAY! I've seen those spikes! They're the size of a mud-wrestling midget! Weren't you a little scared?
Iris, I would think after Peter/Petra a pet would be a relief.
Wait a minute.....what about Dubbin? You forgot your meds again, huh? You didn't leave Dubbin in Ethel's room again.....did you? You know how ticked off she gets over that dog.
Proper breast support is a given around here too. Keeps the girls from taking out the lamps when I walk by.
Where does the rain fall in Butte Montana?
At 7/11/2007 1:54 PM, 
GAB
I have heard about that little problems with the butt thingy....I thought that was what we paid the vets for?
My Borhter-in-law is a vet and one time he told me never ever scratch a cat on his back side by his tail because thats their sexual turn on spot. Oh so thats what Ive been doing wrong all these years no wonder my cats love me so much.
At 7/11/2007 2:09 PM, Spoony Quine
` ...I thought it was where the mother licks the kitten to get it to raise its tail so she can lick the poop out.
` Maybe both?
` I bet you're glad you're not a cat, aren't you, Crabby?
` You know, once I was clipping a cat's rear toenails and she was so freaked out that she sprayed her anal gland all over my hand!
` It was disgusting and vinegary and really pungent!
` My mom insisted that the cat had pooped on my hand, though. I guess she never read a cat/dog grooming book!
At 7/11/2007 2:50 PM, Iris VonKornea
Well, Dubbin was supposed to be a seeing eye dog, which is not like a pet, until Rodney ruined him but that's not a polite story to tell in mixed company.
JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH! Good god, where did I put that dog? DUBBIN,... HERE DUBBIN DUBBIN DUBBIN!
No WONDER we haven't heard a peep out of Angela Marie in WEEKS! SHE STOLE MY DOG! GOOD GOD DAMN IT, god damn dog napper!
Hopefully she will squeeze Dubbin's anal sacs before she returns him. I hear tell from the other girls on the Internet that she does such things for fun.
barman, yep. Young and dumb. I still hear the dumb part but sadly, young is looong gone. sigh.
Gab, I never heard the cat thing but I did hear if you rub a male dogs chest it gets him all turned on because their chests rub up against the females backs when they....um...mambo.
Seequin, EW EW EWWWW! and.....EWWWWWWWWWWWW! Worst I've had to deal with is when I was laying on the floor and Smilin' George ran past me to hide under the chair after a "love quest" with the stuffed bunny and his newly hung dinker rubbed across the side of my arm.
Iris, Angela Marie has a hamster now. Didn't you hear? Ugh oh, what if she's trying to use Dubbin to create a new kind of pet? Like a dogster? Or a hamdog?
DUBBIN? DUBBIN? HERE BOY!
ebezp, You can't? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha! Gosh. I haven't even written the one about chicken farming yet.
Take a tums and come back tomorrow. LOL!
Rainypete, I hear ya, brother. I hear ya. That's why I quit. NO way.
Mone, I don't have anybody doin' the ole push and squeeze on my dogs either and they seem to manage just fine. My feeling....if they need their stink juice removed...they better figure out how to grow themselves some fingers or something.
Milky, Did you wait and read my stuff before dinner again. Cuz it's not my fault when you do that. I've told ya before, ya gotta be careful about when you read my junk.
Sign, I'm with you. I've shovel all manner of poo and I'd rather shovel more still than do the squeezing thing. ICK!
Check your shoes before you leave.
Not to bum you out or anything, but you are basically saying that you can't do Jeff Daniels' job in Dumb & Dumber...