In the past two weeks I have retrieved from my mail box:
*One brochure entitled ...... But What if You're Alive Tomorrow?
(if? What d'ya mean, IF?)*Two invitations to check out the latest and greatest in Senior Living Communities.
*A neatly wrapped sample of Depends complete with coupon for 10 bucks off of future purchase.
(FYI, I haven't pissed myself since the 6th grade and that wasn't my fault.)*But my personal favorite was the letter from a life insurance company suggesting I "NEED" to buy life insurance because, "Don't you want the comfort of knowing your loved ones will continue to live comfortably after you're gone?"
ugh yeah. Lemme just address that. A) Last time I looked, I didn't have a fuggin job. Bob makes it. I spend it. Near as I can figure, best thing that could happen to Bob financially is for me to croak, which I'm not. Thank you very much. and, 2) There is NO WAY IN HELL I'm sending you money every month so you can send a check back to my house after I'm too dead to spend it. DOH! I might be dumb but, I ain't THAT dumb.I am not in complete denial over the age thing. I have seen a couple of bitty changes. For instance, yesterday I leaned over to clean a reflective surface and my face skin fell forward like the jowls on a bassett hound. This is not good, but I can live with it.
More troubling by far, is this button embedded in my ass. It clicks to life the instant I sit down and serves two purposes. 1) urination stimulation. 2) Immediate memory recovery.
1. Basically you can be walking around, gathering up snacks for your favorite tv show, happy as a clam that you finally get to sit down. Sit, button activates, and ba da bing...ba da boom! You have to pee....RIGHT NOW!
2. There's something you came in this room to get. Something.......something......now.....what was that? Thinking ...looking.....thinking some more.......couldn't have been too important. Go back, sit down, INSTANTLY REMEMBER why you got up in the first place. Return to room to retrieve item, stop long enough to get drink of water, and blink-SNAP.....once again, you've forgotten. Why, because nobody's pushing the button! Sure enough....soon as your ass connects to the sofa cushion you not only remember what you forgot but .....you have to pee..... AGAIN!
I've been looking all morning and I can't find the damnable thing. But I know it's back there!
Labels: buttons, butts, depends, memory, snacks, tv, urination
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In the past two weeks I have retrieved from my mail box:
More troubling by far, is this button embedded in my ass. It clicks to life the instant I sit down and serves two purposes. 1) urination stimulation. 2) Immediate memory recovery.
Check your shoes before you leave.