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In the past two weeks I have retrieved from my mail box:*One brochure entitled ...... But What if You're Alive Tomorrow? (if? What d'ya mean, IF?)
*Two invitations to check out the latest and greatest in Senior Living Communities.
*A neatly wrapped sample of Depends complete with coupon for 10 bucks off of future purchase. (FYI, I haven't pissed myself since the 6th grade and that wasn't my fault.)
*But my personal favorite was the letter from a life insurance company suggesting I "NEED" to buy life insurance because, "Don't you want the comfort of knowing your loved ones will continue to live comfortably after you're gone?"
ugh yeah. Lemme just address that. A) Last time I looked, I didn't have a fuggin job. Bob makes it. I spend it. Near as I can figure, best thing that could happen to Bob financially is for me to croak, which I'm not. Thank you very much. and, 2) There is NO WAY IN HELL I'm sending you money every month so you can send a check back to my house after I'm too dead to spend it. DOH! I might be dumb but, I ain't THAT dumb.
I am not in complete denial over the age thing. I have seen a couple of bitty changes. For instance, yesterday I leaned over to clean a reflective surface and my face skin fell forward like the jowls on a bassett hound. This is not good, but I can live with it.
More troubling by far, is this button embedded in my ass. It clicks to life the instant I sit down and serves two purposes. 1) urination stimulation. 2) Immediate memory recovery.1. Basically you can be walking around, gathering up snacks for your favorite tv show, happy as a clam that you finally get to sit down. Sit, button activates, and ba da bing...ba da boom! You have to pee....RIGHT NOW!
2. There's something you came in this room to get. Something.......something......now.....what was that? Thinking ...looking.....thinking some more.......couldn't have been too important. Go back, sit down, INSTANTLY REMEMBER why you got up in the first place. Return to room to retrieve item, stop long enough to get drink of water, and blink-SNAP.....once again, you've forgotten. Why, because nobody's pushing the button! Sure enough....soon as your ass connects to the sofa cushion you not only remember what you forgot but .....you have to pee..... AGAIN!
I've been looking all morning and I can't find the damnable thing. But I know it's back there!
Labels: buttons, butts, depends, memory, snacks, tv, urination
how lucky are you? I think Im a little older than you and I have yet to recieve any of those things. Not that I want them mind you. OBTW that sit button just gets worse. It also makes the phone ring right in the middle of the good part of the movie and once you answer it there goes the I gotta pee again alarm. So you never get to see movie. Ummm my blog has disappered
At 10/04/2007 11:01 AM, 
barman
I think I have a solution for your situpon button. Now it is not perfect but it is a start. How about a bar stool. Place one in several rooms. Then should you forget why you are there just sit on the stool and your situpon button will go off and you will remember. A stool placed by the bathroom works well too.
Now the depends, you could pretend they are Astronaught diapers... you have your halloween costume half solved.
Oh and have you never seen the recliner toilet. You put that in front of the TV. It was origionally designed for the football fan that starts watching football at noon and does not stop until 11:00 or 12:00 at night. That should take care of part of the button in your ass... really.
At 10/04/2007 12:03 PM, Unknown
O, Crabby, that facial skin falling forward ain’t nothing a bit of Botox can’t handle. As for that button, women must age differently than us men: I’m half a dozen or so years older than you and am yet to encounter that specific button. Now, I do have a related button that, like yours, has me forget what I went into a room to get; however, when I sit down it doesn’t activate my memory. I may not remember what I went into the room to get until hours later, if ever.
Milky, this is why you're my very favorite Texican.
Gab, you mean you can still have short term memory? So, what's that like? (sigh) Never mind. I'll just forget what you said anyhow.
Lime, yep. But it has it's good side...........well, not really. LOL!
Manny, I'd give you the depends coup but I already pitched it. Missy, I worked today. Alllll day. And every hour or so I'd stop to check in with blogger but...I couldn't get in here to save my soul.
I won't forget your birthday but.... you probably maybe, oughta, remind me a few hundred more times.
Barman, recliner toilet? No kidding? I GOTTA get me one of those. Yo, Manny! Put that on my Christmas list.
Little Wing, I missed you today, kiddo. I hate when I can't get in here to visit you guys.
Nick, you bragger, you. You really don't have to get up and pee every time you sit down? LOL! The memory thing is a booger, huh? Anything I need to know later, I gotta write down.
ebezp, that's my favorite line from Roadhouse! Sleep's over-rated anyhow. You always miss something when you're sleeping. I'd just like to watch a whole tv show without running to the bathroom. LOL!
Jahooni, HI, kiddo! Nice to meet, ya. I'm coming over to visit. Assuming blogger doesn't lock me out of the house again.
BT, you opportunist, you. Ok. But put your glasses on and get some tweezers. I want that thing outa there soon as you locate it. And for cryin out loud...be gentle.
G, if I'd known that, I woulda posted my big urine story. LOL!
Sign, Tell Mr. Sign there's no need to thank me. Just knowing his having a good time is thanks enough.
Check your shoes before you leave.
Those pants don't make your ass look big. Bob was lying.
BWAAAHAHAHAHAHA