Yesterday was not a good one. It was a fancy dress and shoe-shopping day. For the record, I hate fancy dress and shoe shopping.

On the way to the mall I stopped at DQ to cheer myself up. When I tipped the cone up to eat it, the top of the ice cream swirl fell off in my lap causing the little boy in the booth across from me to giggle hysterically. 15 bitty DQ napkins later ..... the ice cream was off, but pink, green, and yellow, spots decorated my crotch. I didn’t have much time cause we had an appointment last night so the question was, go back home, change, and head out to shop or ……get another cone and don’t worry about the colorful crotch. You probably know me well enough by now to know which way I went.


After that, things went downhill.

I am 5 feet 1 and a half inches tall. My waist is 21 inches. Hips are 33. I am of freakish proportions. They do NOT make skirts or pants that fit that. Unless I can get elastic or a draw string I am dead in the water. EVERYTHING has to be tried on. It’s friggin TORTURE!

I finally found some stuff that I thought “might’ work at one of the trendy young people places. I hauled all my junk back to the dressing room. It’s important to note here, I can NOT stand up on one foot without falling over. So I always lean against the wall when I’m putting on a skirt or pants. Sadly what I didn’t know as I tried on my first skirt was, at this place, the walls are not solid. They’re curtains. Which is how my fat ass landed square in the middle of 3 proper southern ladies trying on formal wear in the dressing room ….er …… tent ….next to mine.

I was mortified! Not only was I laying there sprawled out like a stuffed turkey but I was wearing my worn out panties with the bare elastic on the waist. Yeah, I know. Sexy.

You think it can’t get worse? Wrong. In the new trendy stores the guys who work there are allowed back in the ladies dressing area right along with the girls. When by reflex, I grabbed the curtain. I didn’t pull it all the way off but most definitely opened both dressing areas to any body and everybody in that general area.
Sooooooo, not only was I mortified but the lovely Southern gal who was trying to pry her fancy size 8 gown over her size 12 hips was none too happy either. She was really, really ticked at me. And I can’t blame her. I’m an idiot. Her friends were cool though. They were nice enough to call me aside later and tell me it was the most fun they’d ever had going out with her cause she’s so stuffy.

After that, the day went straight to hell.

Today wasn’t so good. And…..

Now tomorrow I have a wedding to go to. Weddings don’t go much better for me than funerals. I’m actually stressing over this.

When? When am I gonna mature? Ever????? I’m such an idiot! I know you guys think I make this stuff up but if you ask anyone who knows me, Ethel, Bob, Manny, Squirrel, Jake, ….. they will all tell you straight up …. This crap happens to me and YES! I am that stupid.