about
It all started well enough. As you can see I sat in the front row, groom's side. I don't know the groom very well. I was invited by the bride. I'm also not a member of the groom's family which is why when they came to be seated they were two seats short. The good news is, being up front, I got some great pics!The problems didn't really start till somewhere between the open bar and the sit down dinner.
I'm not a drinker. Really. I brag a lot, but truth is. Half a beer and my nose is numb. Give me a whole beer and I'm up on the tables doing the Russian hop-scotch.
They had champaign before they opened the bar to us. My Pastor and I both like a bit of the bubbly. We also both like beer and those puffy little snacks they serve before dinner.
To his credit, Bob warned me to slow down. That said ....... I was meeting lots of folks for the first time and well, having become a member of the groom's family just that day, what could I do but ....well...be social? Then they opened the bar to us. I suggested a few of us maybe, you know ..... try our hand at a belching contest....just until dinner was served. Which, you can NOT do with out beer. How could I have known dinner wouldn't be served for another hour???? Not my fault.
Eventually I had to pee. Really bad. I don't know, or more acurately remember, what happened exactly but, somehow I got stuck in the potty stall. I tell you the door would NOT open! And I couldn't crawl under because there wasn't enough room.
The lady (who's name I don't remember) one of my fellow participants in the belching competition ..... was watching my camera for me. Instead of getting me out she giggled, climbed up on the toilet seat in the stall next to me and took pictures. Some of which I can't show you because .... well, I just can't.
She left. (I thought to get help.) Several minutes later she returned with other other ladies. All of whom were laughing hysterically while I sat there begging them to at least bring me a roll or a biscut. Something!
Turns out.....and I know I'm gonna regret telling you this. I just know it. But, it turns out I was pushing the door to open it, when I should have been pulling it.
You think I'm dumb? Check this out. Next day, Webster's nemisis returned. This idiot owl doesn't drink beer. Yet he's still hell bent to eat the Webster bird. Over and over again he dives into the window by Webby's cage knocking himself silly. Often he can't even get back up right away. He just sits there all dizzy and crap. How he can look at Webster and think dinner is beyond my comprehension but..... I tell you truly that owl is obsessed with eating the nasty little bugger.
And while the poor owl is out there all pitiful and trying to get his bearings again so he can fly out, take aim, and make another dinner dive, Webster is on the other side of the window giving him, the Webster bird version of, "bite my ass"!
The first couple of times Bob took me to important social stuff connected to his business, I was like the two-headed boy at the circus.
I remember one time we went to this really formal shindig. (I BEGGED Bob not to make me go) Ties, suits, dress-up clothes all over the place. Soon as I got inside I took my shoes off and tossed them under the snack cart. (there's a fancy word for before dinner snacks but I can't spell it)
anyway, when the cocktail server rolled the cart away, the VIP guy's wife was walking along and tripped over my shoes. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha!
When somebody asked who's shoes those were, Bob, who was clear on the other side of the room and couldn't possibly have known, without a second's hesitation called out, "Lucy! Put your shoes back on." LOL!
BTW .... I just recently figured out my salad fork from my eat anything fork and damned if they didn't give me 2 SPOONS at this thing! SPOONS NOW? How thee hell am I supposed to keep all that silverware straight?
I used the wrong one but the ship had already sailed for any shot I had at appearing sophisticated when they served the soup and I shouted out, "Yeegads! we waited for 2 hours to eat and they give us soup in a sake' cup? Yowsa, I hope there's gonna be more food than this."
Crabbs, I do not know about all the silverwear myself but I believe the general rule is start on the outside and work your way inside. So salad fork first, than main dinner fork. Soup spoon then desert? I think that is right. I just know the fork with only two maybe three tines is for horsedovers. :)
Love you Crabbs.
Sal, after your adventures on ship deck, I do believe between the 2 of us we could turn any social affair on it's head. LOL!
Barman, LOL! you sooo don't want me at any functions where people might know you. I really do have a rep.
Milky, why is it, in my mind, I can see you dangling my dinner by a pole and string over the toilet stall? tsk tsk tsk. Ya know, I hadn't thought of it but that tile does go real nice with my hair.
The bride was sooo pretty and so tiny!
Barman, that's what Bob said! But you know what they did? They put one of the spoons at the top of the plate. Now, I ask you, isn't that like cheating?
Suze, it's a weird feeling when you finally figure it out isn't it. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha! If Web knew how to shoot the bird, he'd be doing it to everybody. He's alway irritated with someone or something. The other day he got angry with his rope perch and chewed it simultaneously chewed it to shreds whilst mumbling guttorial Webster words that we don't even want to try and figure out.
PS. Blogger is giving me fits today. I've tried to visit you guys but haven't been able to comment and often can't even pull up the page.
I think the spoon at the top of the plate is a spare in case one gets away. :)
What the heck is a spoon at the TOP of the plate? Well I do not blame you. All bets are off at that point.
You know as far as the door not openeing, I have done that too. Fortunetly not so publicly.
Also it seems to me that you took pictures of either Squirrel or Manny under in a simular situation, maybe not with the door not opening but... isn't karma a biatch.
At 7/24/2006 3:02 PM, 
Spoony Quine
` Ahhhh haaaaaa haaaa! I love it, Crabs!! Being stuck in a bathroom stall! I get stuck behind doors all the time, and I don't even drink!
` Love the owl, too! Sounds like a really convenient way for getting rid of Webster.
` You would probably also love the hilarious crap I just put up on my blog.... I even used the Crabby-tried-and-true make photos more interesting with creative digital editing (on someone who didn't want to be photographed).
` Also... sand fleas. Need I say more?
At 7/24/2006 5:49 PM, SignGurl
It's amazing how stupid I am even before adding alcohol.
Once, when I was young, my best friend and I had had quite a few drinks. I was walking through her foyer and stopped dead in my tracks and began sobbing. The friend asked what happened and I told her that I had gone blind and couldn't see.
She told me to open my eyes. *sigh*
Check your shoes before you leave.
That settles it. We are going to package you up and rent you off for functions. You and Bob will be rich!