about
Most people when they die have a clear shot of going one way or the other, right? Well, apparently not. It seems that I am not quite evil enough for the devil and not quite nice enough for the Big Fella. They have been fussing over who had to take me for 3 days now. Finally in a game of rock, paper, scissors, the Lord lost leaving the devil to make the final call.So Satan decided, "wouldn't it be a hoot to put her on trial for all the things you "Meaning the Big Fella" found not so nice. There are a total of 12 trials upcoming. If I am found guilty of most, then hell gets me. If I am found innocent by majority, I'm all heavens.
In the meantime the good Lord has put me up in a section of Heaven called "The Floater Zone". You would not believe who all is in here with me! But I digress.
Take a seat. Trial one is about to begin. As luck would have it. The whole thing started with ........ a gazing ball and a beer. OO. I'm up to testify now. Wish me luck cause no way do I want to go to hell. It's full of Mensa members, IRS guys, and TV faith healers. ICK! Oh and the place smells like month old B.O. and boiled eggs. Not to mention... it really is a furnace down there. No kidding!
The Gay Ball.
We have these friends who are ....... unique? Yeah, that's a nice word. Right?
Anyway, the wife is a mite on the prejudice side. (And that really was nice) Soon after we moved into our house they came over and she spotted a gazing ball in the courtyard. It belonged to the previous owners. I wouldn't buy one of those things if ya paid me to. Reminds me of my grandma and she always wore this prune face that I........never mind.
So, the wife sees the gazing ball and says...."Ew. You have a gay ball in your yard?"
"A what?" I asked innocently.
"A gay ball! Gay people put those in their yards so other gays can find them."
"UH .... hhhuh. oookay."
"No really," she insisted. That's what they're for. You better get rid of it."
Now in my defense, I was very nice to her even though as we all know by now I have a very big mouth and a tendency to uncontrolable blurting. But I didn't say a word. Not a peep.
A few nights later our other friends were over. They brought beer. Even though I like to boast about shots of tequila and stuff ... the truth is, I can't handle my liquor. Half of one light beer and strange things happen. (I swear it is the truth) my nose goes numb and soon after I find myself frolicking giddily through the land of "Go ahead and do it. You know you want to."
To make matters worse, I'm an idea person. That night after a beer and a half. I dug out a box and taped the gay ball to it with some signs. I don't quite remember exactly what they said, something about, "If you're queer, you can find your life mate here." Stuff like that. Between giggles and hiccups I was able to persuade my good friends and much put-upon husband to don black clothing and sneak over to our other friends house with me.
When we got there my friend, Ethel, and I, snuck into their front yard with the gay ball. Actually I snuck into the yard because Ethel hid behind a tree that was all of 4 inches thick. What a geek!....oo ..... I mean, good for her.
Where was I? Oh yeah, so I left the gay ball in their front yard and then we ran like the wind back to the car laughing our asses off, went back to my place, had another beer pleased as punch with ourselves. We....ok me....wrote a song to the tune of "short people" substituting "gay people". It was very clever if I do say so myself. We dialed their number, got their answering machine and sang our hearts out.
Several days went by and we heard nothing back.... then finally unable to take it anymore, either Fred or Bob called the guy to ask if he found the ball in his yard.
EGADS! He was livid! He said his neighbor had come over and asked who could have done such a thing and was X (not his real name) gay? Then he told them that the ball itself had to be destroyed! That he had smashed it to bits.
Had to be destroyed? Did it come to life, turn into a gay guy and chase him around his desk? (sorry. that was mean) But come on, now really, wasn't that just a little extreme?
Anyway. That's the gay ball story. Judge me as you will. I did it. I admit it. And I plan to do another run over there. Well I did before I died. This time I'm taking pink flamingos and condoms. and I am NOT telling anybody what I'm doing with them!
Oh cute, Waygon. Vote me right into hell, why don't ya? Ok people do I hear a "NOT GUILTY"? ....... or maybe a not guilty by reason of insanity?
(What Lord? um...no....no I'm not tryin to influence the jury. That would be bad. And anyhow, you told me don't do that and I always listen.)
OUCH! SHIT! What's with the lighten bolt in the ass?
(yes, sir. I did swear. But that hurt. ok. Yeah. ok. ok. ok. No. I won't. But it wasn't very fair of you to...... nevermind)
Denny .....um.... what does it mean?
Josh, eraser fight? Who won? I was wrongly accused of cuttin the cheese once in the third grade. It was the guy next to me but the teacher ASSumed it was me because generally when things ran amuck....well...it was me. But not that time.
Milky, I know darn well all you did was look at the picture. You didn't read the post did ya? Come on. You know you didn't. And I change the pic. plebt!
Why Cap'n, you know I'm practically an angel now. My foot is so close to the door I've got St. Peter poppin antacids like they were pez candies.
I don't remember the train set. I broke so much of their stuff. They always had the company Christmas party at their house and at Christmas parties...well...I gotta be me.
I burned up their blender and accidentally pulled the stopper out of their bathroom sink when I was trying to see how it worked. Oh...and I stepped in their cheese tray but that was NOT my fault. The guys put me up there so I could re-enact "REVENGE OF THE 50 FOOT WOMAN". Ah well. Water over the damn.
At 2/08/2006 7:05 PM, 
FLAMINGO1
Hey, be cool with the pink flamingos. You don't want to mess with the bad birds.
I actually think this is hilarious. Redneck morons like this need to be publicly humiliated for their stupidity - unfortunately, they didn't really get it.
I like Milk's idea of filling their yard with them. I would drive around town late at night and steal as many as I could find from other people's yards and put them ALL in their yard. Along with some of those little jockey guys, for sale signs, etc.
Josh....Smedly??? I am sooo holding onto that name for later use. ahhhhhh ha haha ha ha haha!
Flamingo, I had planned right after the big blow up to go over (under the cover of darkness) and leave every color gaze ball I could find on their front lawn but when I priced the little buggers out, OY!
Now just one lawn jocky....ahhhh. That could put them over the top. I like the way you think. Yes, indeed.
Wally? Was that you? I video-taped that ball. You looked mahvolous btw. And so did your poodle. matching outfits. So clever.
Check your shoes before you leave.
I hear Satan calling you!!!!