Wednesday, December 27, 2006













It was bound to happen. Nobody in our family can stay nice and sweet forever. It's not in our genes.

On Christmas Day evening, I had just come in from loading up my car with gifts and walked into the kitchen in time to hear the heated whispers of my two sisters who were obviously trying to be discreet because Miss Ellie, Bob's mother, 84 and blind, was sitting in the next room.
(apparently they are both unaware of her super hearing powers. The woman can hear through walls)

Manny: YOU CAN'T DO THAT! It's not right. I made that cake especially for Miss Ellie. I promised her.
Squirrel: She can't eat a whole cake. Anyway, she'll never know the difference.
Manny: It doesn't matter. I'll know. You're stealing from an 84 year old, blind woman!
Squirrel: She's still getting cake.
Manny: It's not right. Give the woman the cake I made for her! I mean it!
Squirrel: Pleeeease! I like this cake!
Manny: You have one of your own. Anyway it's easy to make another one.
Squirrel: (now panicked and whispering loudly) People have eaten off of mine already! I won't have as much. Look. Just look at it. It looks like a whole cake. She's blind! She won't know the difference. Seriously, she can't eat a whole sheet cake. She's old!
Manny: (turns to me) Look what she's done!

I looked. I even took pictures. It was hard though because I was laughing so much my eyes were watering.

Manny: She's trying to keep a blind woman's cake for herself! Is that right?
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Manny: Oh fine! Do what you want then. If you can live with yourself after stealing from a helpless old blind woman.
(insert Miss Ellie's voice from living room)
Miss Ellie: Isn't that coffee ready yet? I'm waiting.
(Not the first time I've heard these words from Ellie.)
Looking at squirrel, I said, to Manny's dismay ........ "Do it."


After proper surgical proceedures were completed, this is the cake, Miss Ellie ended up with. Basically left-overs, skillfully reshaped to look like an entire cake. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha!
 
posted by Crabby at 9:42 AM |


66 Comments:


At 12/27/2006 10:41 AM, Blogger Manny

Because I covered for the Squirrel, Ms. Ellie will think I'm a liar.

Way last Saturday, Ms. Ellie called and asked me specifically to bake her a cake. I assured her she would have her own cake to take home so she could entertain her friends the day after Christmas.

 

At 12/27/2006 11:53 AM, Blogger Crabby

Shoot. She's blind as a bat. Only way she'll know that cake was tampered with is if it talks to her. And if that cake was gonna holler it would have happened when the squirrel was slicing and dicing to make it look authentic.

 

At 12/27/2006 1:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

Crabby, you are officially the sanest person in your family!

 

At 12/27/2006 1:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

` Squirrel! You PIG!!! You know what you deserve? Eating so much cake that you explode!!! Explooode I tell you!

 

At 12/27/2006 3:05 PM, Blogger Crabby

G-man, I've always thought of myself as the sane one, now that you mention it.

Seequin, it's possible she has exploded. I don't believe anyone has actually seen her since that night. Well, Manny can check on her. Cuz if she did explode, first person there cleans up the mess and no way am I cleaning something that gross up.

 

At 12/27/2006 3:17 PM, Blogger Manny

I'm not going in!!! I'll call her neighbor.

 

At 12/27/2006 3:18 PM, Blogger Manny

Crab is the sane one? ahhhhh ah ah

 

At 12/27/2006 3:43 PM, Blogger Crabby

Manny, Her neighbor won't clean her up. She'll just call you back and tell you there's been a terrible tragedy and you need to get to Squirrels post haste. Then you still have to clean squirrel parts offa the walls and crap.

Wait! I've got it! Just let her dogs out of the laundry room. They'll clean it up. They'll eat anything.

 

At 12/27/2006 3:46 PM, Blogger Crabby

Oh Manny, don't deny it. We both know I'm the best adjusted one in the family. And maybe.....the world.

 

At 12/27/2006 3:52 PM, Blogger Manny

Ahhhhhhhhh ah ah ah ah

explosion, do you think that's why she has a phone in her bathroom?

 

At 12/27/2006 4:00 PM, Blogger Crabby

Manny, are you kiddin me? Did you SEE all the reading material she keeps in her trash can? These are not casual bathroom visits she's makin. She takes her seat and flush time very seriously.

 

At 12/27/2006 4:21 PM, Blogger Manny

LMAO! yes she does. Funny thing is, she cleaned out most of her reading material before you guys got there. She has an entire library of consumer reports and daily dog or some crap.

 

At 12/27/2006 4:22 PM, Blogger Manny

I'll call her around 7 p.m. and she's in there so I'll call back about 8 and she is still in there. LOL I don't think she's soaking in the tub either.

 

At 12/27/2006 7:27 PM, Blogger Zen Wizard

You have a sister named Squirrel?

 

At 12/27/2006 7:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

Wait! I've got it! Just let her dogs out of the laundry room. They'll clean it up. They'll eat anything.

` Whoa! That's scary, but I'll bet it's true! Haaaaa!

 

At 12/27/2006 8:57 PM, Blogger matty

LOL! I love that story! Cake for the elderly and blind need not be complete --- just disquised to "look" fresh and whole!

(don't tell her!!!!)

Happy Christmas and may the New Year bring only the freshest and most wonderful cowpies!!!!

 

At 12/27/2006 9:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

Crab, Manny said that you named her and squirrel, because you are the oldest and you said so. Is that right? Have you ever called or named anyone...
asshole
numnuts
dickweed
shitbreath
shit-for-brains
peckerwood
armadillo
dildo
hemmoroid
hippo
pecan pie
Do you know any of these people?
Do you wield that kind of power?
If so, I'm sorry if I've ever offended you...G

 

At 12/27/2006 9:26 PM, Blogger barman

G-Man, you dillweed. Oh wait, that was not one of the choices. :)

I sure hope you are bending the truth just a bit crabs. I know Squirrel likes coconut but why couldn't she ask Manny nice like to make another cake? Stealing almost all of Ms. Ellie's cake is just not right.

Sounds like never a dull moment.

 

At 12/28/2006 7:18 AM, Blogger Manny

I updated and lost all my favorites!

The humility of it all!

I know I didn't hit the delete button because you told me I wasn't allowed to do that anymore!

I'm sobbing over here!

Tears and snot and stuff like that.

 

At 12/28/2006 8:31 AM, Blogger Mouthy Girl

Holy Cripes! I swear to you, I almost pissed my pants reading this, Crabbers! You guys are just like me and my sisters. Jaysus.

To annoy our Mom's heinous husband, my sisters and I sang carols at the TOP of our lungs all day long. I think I may have set a stroke into motion! Good times!

And thank you SO much for the before and after cake pics. They MADE the post!

 

At 12/28/2006 8:38 AM, Blogger Mouthy Girl

Jaysus. I just read your posts I've missed for DAYS AND DAYS.

My vanity plate is RINGLDR.

My best friend in college nicknamed me Ringleader for a myriad of reasons I will not divulge at the moment. I still have the plate on one of my cars!

 

At 12/28/2006 9:24 AM, Blogger Crabby

Manny, are you asking for help with blog roll? LOL! Send me your login and pass and I'll see if I can fix it. then DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING BEHIND THE CURTAIN! (geez. Now I know how Milky feels. How scary is that?)

Zen, it's my nickname for her. All you guys have nicknames in my head too.

Seequin, it IS true. Sadly the one dog can see food unless it's right under her nose but once it's there, she'l eat it.

Matty, She still hasn't figured it out! Bob talked to her last night and she still thinks she has a whole cake even though it doesn't even go all the way to the sides of the pan. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha! Blind folks are a hoot.

G-man, tis true. I nicknamed the middle sister squirrel years ago because she hoardes things like a squirrel with it's nuts. She has two spare bedrooms filled to brimming with stuff she bought on sale. She also ....sayyyy...I'll just post it. LOL! I haven't used any of the names you listed but I am responsible for "blug".

Barman, I swear, I am so close to dead on accurate with this story I could be a journalist or something. And the best part is....there WERE two cakes! Two complete sheet cakes. The Squirrel wanted to give Ellie the one everyone had taken a piece from but it wasn't small enough to fit into her little pan so she had to cut it some more. LOL!
Yanno, I kind of like Dillweed. That's a good name, bro.

BUDDAH! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I need to tie you to your puter chair or something. I'm glad you're back! I was missing you. Nice job with the step dad. If ya need help I can send you a DVD of me singing. That'll put anybody off their kibble for at least a month.

 

At 12/28/2006 9:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous

Crabby, there sure is an inordinant amount of bodily fluids being spilled on your post today.

Manny has her tears and snot.
Buddha girl peeing(I love that)

What next?

 

At 12/28/2006 9:57 AM, Blogger Manny

No, I have my blog roller thingy, but I updated my yahoo and my favorites were gone.

I found them. LMAO It must be the daytime TV

 

At 12/28/2006 10:02 AM, Blogger granny got game

Crabby, I beseech you! Please ask your fellow bloggers to come to Willowbrooke and sign our petition. Innocent people are being grossly abused!

GRANNY GOT GAME

 

At 12/28/2006 10:07 AM, Blogger Crabby

oh boy. I'm almost afraid to ask.

What "didn't" you guys do this time?

 

At 12/28/2006 10:10 AM, Blogger MilkMaid

Can I have a cherry?

 

At 12/28/2006 10:21 AM, Blogger Crabby

oooooooo, Milky. I almost forgot the best part. The Squirrel left the toothpicks in the cherries on the cake she gave Ellie. (betcha Manny didn't notice) What makes that a hoot is, Ellie has to put one hand down on a thing to cut it. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha! It's like blind woman roulette.

 

At 12/28/2006 10:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous

MilkMaid, did you lose a cherry?

 

At 12/28/2006 10:34 AM, Blogger shirley

I loss mine. Wanna help me find it?

 

At 12/28/2006 10:35 AM, Blogger granny got game

Shirley! Granny told you not to go around blogging. You'll make us look bad. Get back home before she sees you!

 

At 12/28/2006 10:39 AM, Blogger granny got game

Oh my land! Go home all of you.
Snivel, how many times must I tell you we do not turn men into toads in America!

 

At 12/28/2006 10:41 AM, Blogger shirley

Hell no, Snivy. Here in America men are born horny toads. Damn I love this country.

 

At 12/28/2006 10:43 AM, Blogger Crabby

ugh oh. They're out again.
Hey guys, why don't ya go over to g-mans place. I'm sure he'd be happy to have you.

 

At 12/28/2006 10:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous

Yeah, REAL HAPPY!!


Those fingers are just a flyin' today Crab... Eh?

 

At 12/28/2006 12:31 PM, Blogger jillie

OMG...that is just too funny! Sounds like something I would do...bad bad girl

 

At 12/28/2006 2:47 PM, Blogger Crabby

g-man, my fingers are always flyin in one thing or another.

Jillie, would you believe she used to be the kind of person who if one cup of coffee looked fuller she'd give it to you rather than keep it for herself. I don't know who the bad influence on her was. tsk tsk.

 

At 12/28/2006 2:59 PM, Blogger jillie

LOL...your not missing much by not knowing what a cheese curd is...EWWWW GROSS! They're the rubbery cheese that is taken off of the "real" cheese (I think...lol!)
I'm still laughing at your blog and Oh man...tooth picks, food, blind lady...so not good...so then why am I still laughing?????? Damn I'm a sick sista!

 

At 12/28/2006 3:00 PM, Blogger jillie

Oh yeah...hope you feel better soon

 

At 12/28/2006 3:15 PM, Blogger Crabby

Jillie, I swear, I'm gonna kill that woman. (the breather) The sicker I get. The more determined I get. Maybe Manny could make her a cake. Oh that's right...she doesn't eat. Bad for her girlish figure.

ok. somebody stop me now. Cuz you guys know I am not in my right mind.

Ewwwwwwwwwww on cheese curds. icky icky.

G-man do you really eat that stuff?

 

At 12/28/2006 4:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

Crabby, If you saw me you'd never ask that question.

BTW, pretty tasty! Ask around if you don't believe me.

 

At 12/28/2006 4:42 PM, Blogger Crabby

G-man, LOL! Is this a set up? I think I've seen that stuff before. We have a cheese factory in Amish country. Is the curd the little floaties that rise to the top?

 

At 12/28/2006 4:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

Yes thats what they are. Only they gather them up and they they kind of separate, and they DO look like turds.
But mmmmm mmmmm good!

 

At 12/28/2006 4:58 PM, Blogger Crabby

Tasty turds? Even I have to think about this one. And I never think because it gives me a headache.

 

At 12/28/2006 5:44 PM, Blogger MilkMaid

You sure get a lotta headaches, do you think that much?

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA....

 

At 12/28/2006 5:45 PM, Blogger MilkMaid

What a piss poor icon, Crabby, find me a new one. Wonder if I can find my vodka penis man again...or mebbe I'll just use granny's. LOL

 

At 12/28/2006 5:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

` Mmm. Vodka penis.

 

At 12/28/2006 6:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

Sequin....mind outta the gutter please.
She meant, Vodka Peanuts!

 

At 12/28/2006 6:07 PM, Blogger Crabby

Milky, I can find ya one. A good one too. have no fear, crabby's here.

And yes, I do think a lot...ok, I'm like...sooooo lying. LOL!

Seequin, get that mind up outa the gutter. There's no such thing. They don't exist. It's a myth made up by desperate men. LOL!

 

At 12/28/2006 6:14 PM, Blogger MilkMaid

There he is...come to Momma, Vodka Penis Man.

:)

 

At 12/28/2006 6:18 PM, Blogger MilkMaid

GMan,I think you are on to something...nothing would go better with my Michelob better than vodka peanuts.

 

At 12/28/2006 6:32 PM, Blogger Manny

Mmmmmmm vodka penis man. He's my absolut hero.

 

At 12/28/2006 6:45 PM, Blogger Roxi

That is fucking hilarious..

Hey.. where the fuck is my cake??? I want a friggin cake??? I know I know.. I got a coach purse, tiffanys necklace, mp3 player, gold and diamonds... but....



I WANT CAKE!!!

damnit..

Love you

 

At 12/28/2006 7:05 PM, Blogger Manny

Roxi I will bake you a cake, only don't let the Squirrel know cause she'll take it!


My boss bought me an MP3 player.

 

At 12/28/2006 8:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

Crabcake, I'd be honored to be linked to a fellow nut cluster!

The more I've been reading of your posts the more I dig ya!

 

At 12/28/2006 10:18 PM, Blogger barman

Ah Milky, you found him. I got side tracked but I finally did a search for absolute vodka hunk and IT POPPED UP. Prerefect ... then I see you already found him. Day late, dolar short type of thing. Interesting picture there not that I am into guys you understand.

 

At 12/28/2006 10:25 PM, Blogger barman

Milky, turns out there is an actual drink for that to called the ABSOLUT HUNK.

The ingredients

4 Parts ABSOLUT VANILIA
1 part simple syrup
1 part fresh lime juice
splash of pineapple juice

Pour ABSOLUT VANILIA over ice in a shaker. (Create simple syrup by mixing equal parts water and sugar together and stand mixture aside until it has dissolved into a simple syrup). Add simple syrup, fresh lime juice and a splash of pineapple juice. Shake or stir well. Strain and serve in chilled martini glass. Garnish with a lime.

OK, so no one wants the drink, you seem to be looking at something else.

 

At 12/28/2006 10:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

Barman, I DARE you to go to a pub and say in a loud voice..'I'd like an Absolut Hunk please'..

I double dog dare you!

Sequin, stay out of this!

 

At 12/29/2006 6:32 AM, Blogger barman

G-man, I have one or two bars in town I would not dare do that. I think I will just have to pass ... diet and all you see. Yea, that is it, diet, it would not go well for the diet.

 

At 12/29/2006 8:02 AM, Blogger MilkMaid

The breakfast of champions, Absolut Hunks all around. Who is joining me?

 

At 12/29/2006 8:32 AM, Blogger Manny

Me! Pick me! Pleeeeeez!

 

At 12/29/2006 9:12 AM, Blogger Manny

I know your timbit run has to be over by now. Post woman!

 

At 12/29/2006 11:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous

She traveled to the next village, to try and find the elusive....Walnut-Crunch!

 

At 12/29/2006 1:03 PM, Blogger Crabby

Milkmaid, I know some gals wouldn't be too happy with you on all this Vodka penis man talk. I'll send them the link. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha!

Rox, I begged Manny to bake you a cake and she said, "NO. Roxi can bake her own damn cake."

Dirk, welcome and I've been having a lot of fun reading your blog too! Could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. LOL! If you guys haven't stopped by Dirk's. Go check it out.

Barman, I'll take g-man's double dog dare and triple it. LOL! In fact, I'd pay to see this. (I'll just be charging the video camera)

Milky, put the Vodka down. You can't drink that for breakfast! Pssst. manny grab it and run like the wind, I'll meet you around back.

G-man, I HAD a walnut crunch. They have the whole doughnut, just not the timbit version. How about that? It was pretty good too. I also like their cruellers. If you heat them in the micro for 15 seconds....tasty!

 

At 12/31/2006 9:24 AM, Blogger Iris VonKornea

I think taking advantage of an old blind woman is simply dreadful.

Have you seen my dog? HERE DUBBIN DUBBIN DUBBIN!

 

At 1/03/2007 12:58 AM, Blogger Bare

*ROTFLMAO* Ok, that has to be the funniest thing I've read in a VERY long time!!! I'm cracking up, I would've paid good money to have seen this live!