about
As some of you may know in an effort to further suck up to the powers that be hoping for a nice comfy spot in heaven, preferrably as far away from Boy George as possible, (the man never stops talking) I decided to do a really nice thing and take Satan to the mall for a make-over.
I mean the man is homely! I know I'm not the only one to notice this. He needed help. Truly.
Anyway, it turned out to be a big mistake. HUGE! The guy is a royal pain in the ass. Every time I'd turn my back he was grabbing at women or setting things on fire and don't even get me started about all the shoplifting he did! Although he did pilfer me a lovely emerald necklace. Sadly, St. Peter heard about it so now I have to give it back. Thank you very much!
So really I got nothing out of the deal. Except extreme stress. You have no idea!
Here's an example of a typical conversasion.
Me talking to Sales girl whilst Satan (I thought) stands patiently waiting next to me: "See? His skin tone is soooo muddy. I'm thinking maybe you would have a foundation that might lighten him up and maybe some blush to bring out his pink tones?"
Salesgirl looking past me to somewhere beyond: "What's he doing?"
I turn around and damned if he hasn't once again tossed off the trench coat I gave him to hide his tail. He's standing there flicking his stupid toungue in and out at some little kid and bellowing...."COME WITH ME. BURN IN HELL!" (yeah, like that didn't get old after oh....the first 15 times he did it)
So I get over there, snatch him by the ear....AGAIN...make him put the coat back on....AGAIN, and pull his sorry ass back over to the cosmetic counter, all the while hissing at him, "Didn't I tell you just 5 minutes ago to lay off the damnation crap? DIDN'T I? Well, you can just forget about the frapacinno, BUDDY!
On and on it went all day long. I tell you it was like taking my retarded dog to the mall or...or a rabid goat or something. He's sooooo imature!
Anyway, I don't know. Does he look any better....at all? I felt like the pink didn't really work but the sales lady loved it on him. I still think the peach would have been better with his eyes.
I took him to manicurist to get his horns filed down to an acceptable height but he threw a hissy fit when she turned on the filing machine. He's such a PUSSY! I SWEAR he is.
So I had to get a hat and a hair piece. $45 bucks out of my own pocket!
So, what do ya think? Better? No? Yes?
Satan! Ugh uh. You are NOT going back into Victoria's secret. Not after you ripped off all the doors on the changing rooms. Don't you remember how those angry women came after you brandishing underwire bras in one hand and holding onto their bare bazoombas with the other! I didn't think I'd ever get that old lady to let loose of your tail. Just tell me what you need. I'll pick it up. It'll be more peaceful that way.
Kid rock? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha haha ha ha ha!
At 2/13/2006 4:32 PM, 
ing
He looks like Michael Jackson.
Look, Satan just needs a really good exfoliant and a real nose and a good dentist.
More importantly, though, he needs to remember that beauty comes from within. He spends so much time lamenting the fact that other guys get all the chicks. He should keep those thoughts to himself and the chicks will flock to him. Men don't realize that the ladies love the underdog. And they also love a man who's willing to listen and to provide some caring advice (which he's done on his site). Satan should do what he can to enhance his natural attributes instead of pointing out his own failures.
Also, he should count his blessings. That Erin O'Brien looks like a really good catch.
Oh, Cap'n, I had to take that nasty old thong. He hadn't washed that thing in well, maybe since the 1600's. No wonder he was always in such a foul mood.
Lady K, considering what I saw over the weekend, I don't think he's quite civilized enough for children yet. I'm working on him though. We're going to start with kittens and work our way up to puppies and such. Sadly so far he's fried 3 kitties. He's gets annoyed so easily. Nasty old bugger. I expect this will improve in about...oh ....35 minutes or so. I ground up one of my midol and put it in his scotch.
Ing, I made an appointment with the dentist but by the time we got there Satan was all surly and booming out cracks like, "LAY YOUR HAND UPON ME, YEE ASSHOLE AND I SHALL (bleep bleep f*@kin bleep)
Now we have to set up an appointment with a different dentist because that one refuses to see him again.
Pssst...he's not very popular. Too bad tempered.
I have talked to him until I am positively blue in the face about how important it is to get in touch with the "inner him". That's generally when he makes some off-color comment about what I can do with my advice.
Satan, you really should listen to Ing. She's telling you the dead-on truth, you know. Women really do love an underdog. But you have to stop licking their ears every time you get one to speak to you. This is not the first impression you want to make. Makes you looks like a floosy.
Check your shoes before you leave.
i think i am a sexy beast
now are we going to get some glamor shots taken at the mall
i also need to swing by victorias secret and pick up a couple of things