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This summer I've seen lots of dead people cause .... well, they've been droppin like flies in Bob's family. Most of my family already bit the dust so I have tons and tons of experience with corpses and funerals.Here's what I've decided. No way in hell am I having an open casket. Anybody touches that lid to raise it up and I swear I'll have it spring loaded to snap your digits clean off. And I'll tell ya why. Cuz the people who make up dead folks can't do hair worth a shit. Not to mention a dead person wearing make up is just ...... not right.
I've seen old ladies go to meet their maker lookin like a two dollar whore. Bright red lipstick, ratted up hair, pink clown cheeks.
And then people stand around the coffin saying things like, doesn't she look natural? NOOOOO! She looks like a dead whore. They take this innocent little cookie baking grandma and pimp her up like character from the famous porn film, "HOT OLD BROADS TAKE THEIR TEETH OUT AND DO IT RIGHT."
These whack job beauticians aren't touchin me, I tell you. When I'm dead, close the lid and slap a buffet on top of it with keg on both sides where the flowers should be. Then have yourselves a good time and write lots of lewd comments on my sign in book. That'll make me happy.
There. Now you all have my dying wish.
Gareth, I thought everybody had seen that movie. LOL!
Suffocation, huh? I just have a feeling they'd still figure out a way to mess me up.
Friendly, you never, ever know what Gareth is gonna come up with. LOL!
Barman, are you kidding me? Do you have any idea what the two of them would do with all that power? I'd be dressed in polka clothes and wearing a George Washington wig.
Suze, I don't wear make up either. Can't stand the feel of that stuff on my face. No way do I want it when I'm dead.
Milky, oh HELL YEAH! Black funerals rock out with good food. They have some awesome music too. Even if I wasn't related, I'd have some black friends come and say they were kin just so I could have a good send off.
Tumble, smores over your burning body? Ok. I'm in. LOL!
Tina, we'll need to pay a body guard to keep anybody from sneaking the lid open. You know that, right?
No more funerals for you!!! I'm sorry that Bob and Ms. Ellie have had to go through all this sorrow.
My funeral must be held on a Friday morning so everyone can take the day off and get an early start to their weekend. If you keep my lid open I may just pop up and say "BOO!"
Please don't make me wear a bra or a suit. My girls will want to be free.
You can laugh if you want to, but Squirrel will probably get mad at you. Don't woryy though cause she'll get over it.
The following Monday you must cash the checks and go have fun. Do not let Squirrel leave the service early to go back to work.
At 8/18/2006 9:12 AM, 
Rainypete
I want to keep people from getting too close by having a motion activated MP# player which will dispense the typical Funeral gems back at the viewers.
"Hey! You're looking good"
"I'm in a better place now"
"It'll get easier with time"
And so on...
I'll have to set up a camera though, so my estate can sell the footage to some cheesy Japanese stunt show and set my kids up with the cash.
At 8/19/2006 5:57 PM, Spoony Quine
` Two dollar whores? Eh, I'd say one dollar whores - they get cheaper when they're dead.
` And Gareth, I think you're all wrong about suffocation (even if it's autoerotic) - unless her face rots from being stuck to the plastic. That happened once... this rookie paramedic thought the victim was wearing a gorilla mask because his face was black and congealed to the floor!
` AaahhhhHhhhaaaa!
` No, the one sure way to not have makeup put on your face is to die by being pushed headfirst into a woodchipper. Either that, or be an explosion victim. Or simply have your body dumped in the woods where nobody is likely to find it until your face rots off.
` I like the burning body s'mores idea, though.
` And Crabby, no spring-loaded caskets, 'kay, because you don't want to be buried with other people's fingers, do you?
u kno what, u talk a lot of shit about something u know nothing about...like how cosmetologist cant do make up for shitt on dead people but do u have any idea how much we get paid for it? the make up used on passed away people is completely different and expensive then normal. its thicker and its like clay. and do u have ANYYY idea how hard it is to walk into that room? well SOMEONE has to do it. they dont let people have funerals n wakes with open coffins if their skin is BLACK n blue from all the blood draining out of you, what is wrong with you..seriously...we do the make up and hair to make them look like they did so when your at the wake, thats the last chance u get to see the person as you knew them. its a hard job and not many people want to do it, but it pays better then any other job i can think of. so back off
Check your shoes before you leave.
"HOT OLD BROADS TAKE THEIR TEETH OUT AND DO IT RIGHT." - have you seen the video too! :p
If you dont want a makeup artist touching you after you are dead there is only one way to die to prevent this from even having the chance to happen ........ suffocation!! No seriously, it's the way to go with this. Your killer comes up to you and wraps cling film around your head very very tightly. So tight that it cannot be removed from your head then the makeup chick can't do anything to your face.
So remember - suffocation, k?