about
As you know, I can’t handle funerals and especially not “viewings”. Dead bodies make me nervous. I don’t know why ........ but I’m guessing it has something to do with the fact that ……HELLO! THEY’RE DEAD!
Today was the first of two days of torture for me because when I get nervous, I giggle like a loon. This proves most especially embarrassing if you are at a funeral where many of the family and friends don’t know you.
My plan for today was NOT to go near that casket. But, as luck would have it, I ended up with Miss Ellie (Bob’s mostly blind mother) duty. Ellie ALWAYS goes straight up to the casket. And there is ALWAYS a dead person in it. I tried to dissuade her. “Ellie,” I said, “your broken pelvis is still mending why don’t we just sit down here. It’s a long way up to the casket. And come on, it’s not like you can see anything anyway.” But noooooo. Ellie has to do the proper thing and pay her respects.
Up we went, closer and closer, until I could see the pink lining. I tried to just look aside at the flowers. I tried staring at the ceiling. Then Ellie says, “What’s that around her neck?”
“I dunno.”
“Did you look?”
“um. No. No. Not really.”
“Well would you?”
“Whyyyyyyyyyy?”
“I want to know what she’s wearing.”
“Whyyyyyyy? Are you gonna get one too? Oh, can’t we just go sit down?”
“What’s wrong with you,” she asks, getting irritated.
“Dead people freak me out,” I hissed back at her ..... just as the dead woman’s son came up behind us.
“Dude, I really liked your mom, lots. I did,” I told him in an effort to not seem like a total ass. “I just have this, phobia or something. I get nervous and……
on and on I went sounding more and more like a complete idiot while he just nodded and smiled.
“Now look what you’ve done, “ I told at Ellie as he walked away.
“I didn’t do anything,” she insisted. Carl’s deaf. He didn’t hear a word you said when he walked up.
“oh, thank goodness!”
“He reads lips.”
Crap. This meant that the comment I made as he was coming up behind us was safe but every thing I said directly to him….. well he may have gotten it. Looking over at him as he talked to his wife, I pretty much knew for a fact that …. oh yeah …. he definitely got it alright.
Enough humiliation for me? Nope. Not yet.
Ellie continued to bug me about whatever it was hanging on this gals neck. She absolutely refused to go sit down till I checked it out.
So I did. The nerves jingled and jangled like mad. I swear my belly rose right up to my throat. The braying jackass in my head was about to take over and with Ellie hanging onto my arm I could NOT get out of there to save myself.
In a family funeral, it's ok. They all know me. They know what’s gonna happen if I look and nobody really cares anymore. But this was different. I only know a couple of these folks.
I tried sooooo hard to just keep lips pressed tight together. I tried thinking of odd ball things, anything to get my mind offa the impending giggle fest.
But Ellie was merciless! “She looks better than I’ve seen her in a while.”
GET THE FUCK OUT! First, Ellie is blind! She can’t see crap. Second, how can a woman who is majorly dead, look better now than alive?
I lost it. I just lost it. I’m sorry. I know it’s wrong. I know it’s disrespectful but, I giggled so hard I got the hiccups.
And Ellie says, “What’s wrong with you? Oh, this is terrible. Do something. Think of something sad. You’re going to hurt their feelings. Do you want me to pinch you? Will that help?”
Tomorrow is the funeral. And last I heard, I haven’t been banned. Please let it be a closed coffin. Why, oh why, don’t people just let me skip these things?
At 8/03/2006 9:40 PM, 
GAB
I've been lucky to not have had to attend many funerals in my life, but the one I did go to that had an open casket was the LAST TIME EVER I went up to view it. It was for a 4 year old girl and I will never forget it.
Ever since then - I just say NO.
I do get that diarhea of the mouth too sometimes when I get nervous.
Gab, when your motor gets going does it just take on a life of it's own? That's what mine does. There is no connection at all between the brain and the mouth.
Lori, no way. I could not handle a funeral for a child. No wonder you can't forget it. I can't even bear the thought of a child ill or hurting. Screws me up something fierce.
Denny, now see, the Scotts have the same idea as the Irish when it comes to a proper sending off. A person's passing should be a celebration of their living in the first place. Wakes, I can handle! When I die I want a full spread laid out. Open bar, lots of chips, and chocolate for the ladies. And good music! Nobody but nobody touches and organ unless it's Billy Preston.
You should take care of Miss Ellie. The two of you are like two peas in a pod when you get going anyway. LOL!
Besides there were stairs yesterday. I swear I didn't think she was going to make it. She was putting her full weight on me. Way more than she should have taken on with a broken pelvis, I'm thinking.
You know, I just know it would be frowned upon but I would rather have a nice wake then a viewing and a funeral. I suppose a small funeral for family maybe but that is it. The wake makes much more sense.
I do not get the giggles but I just never know what to say. I feel I say all the wrong things. I so wish I could never go to another viewing ever. The funeral is almost as bad but I can deal with it a little better.
Sorry you had a giggle fest yesterday. I hope today goes better for you.
At 8/04/2006 11:35 AM, Mouthy Girl
Egads...I have tears rolling down my face here, Crabbers! I've got that fucking giggle-fest reaction as well!
One of the saddest moments in my life was when my older sister died in an accident. HOWEVER, I recall sitting in the freaking funeral home laughing my ass off. I had this guy's SUIT JACKET in my MOUTH and still couldn't stop.
People thought I'd lost my mind. Freaking shaking their heads mumbling, "Awww...poor thing. Poor BG."
Yeah. Not so much.
Giggles. In some circles, they're worse than shooting heroin.
I say you walk in with some Hannibal Lecter face mask get-up when you go to the funeral.
And did you ever take a look-see at what was around the chick's neck? I gotta know!
At 8/04/2006 8:13 PM, GAB
At 8/05/2006 1:18 PM, Spoony Quine
` You know, I laughed at my grampa's funeral because I was conditioned to hate him for no good reason. In fact, I jumped for joy when I heard he was dead.
` In fact, thanks to the Teachings of the Almighty Dad, I have scarcely had any positive relations with my relatives.
` At the same time, I have always had a lot of problems with giggling when I'm nervous, and it has caused many a person (even a school principal!) to slap me in the face.
` I've also had to learn not to talk when I'm nervous, because my mouth and brain seem to be two different things. Also, I have learned how to keep cool better, so it's not such a big deal anymore.
` I can relate to being humiliated by weird quirks like that. I have all sorts of sensory problems that, growing up, not only was I blamed for them but they have gotten me severely punished... along with displaying other signs of serious injury (i.e. complaining that I couldn't walk on a broken foot).
` Nowadays, though, I'm around normal people, and my avoidance quirks due to sensitivity problems are merely frustrating and embarrassing.
Check your shoes before you leave.
I feel your pain(giggle) sorry that slipped. I hate funerals. I never say or do the right thing. And my mouth is like amotor that never shuts off. Im glad I dont have any to go to for awhile so I can rest.