about
Are you that one person in the whole wide world who's family members may be slightly.....F.U.B.A.R?When you read those two page letters folded all neat in the middle of your christmas card from your friend who's kid just made the honor roll and saved up alllllll his money just to buy you a special Christmas gift. The friend who had a marvy vacation in the bahamas and got that big promotion..... do you use it as toilet paper?
Then you may need my help, friend. And I am happy to oblige.
First off, the Holiday's SUCK! THEY SUCK! If you don't think so....I know who you are! YOU are the 2 page letter writer. The person who already has alllll their Christmas gifts bought, wrapped, and bowed. YOU'RE FRIGGIN SICK, MAN! SICK!
deep cleansing breath. in.....and out. in.........and out.
Ok. Here are your helpful Crabby tips for making it through the worst two months of the year.
1. If you are fortunate enough to have a doctor that is willing to co-operate, ask him to put you in a coma and wake you up on December 26th. That way you have just enough time to get your muscles working right again in time for New Years. WOOT!
2. If the coma idea doesn't pan out, remind yourself often....it will be over....eventually. Mark the done date on your calendar and visit it often.
3. When forced to spend time with family members who drive you right up the freakin wall...take a covered dish, lace it liberally with crushed up sleeping aids, wait for them to pass out, leave a brief thank you note, blow that pop stand, and head straight for the nearest fresh desert joint you can find. Preferrably one that serves margaritas.
4. Wait till the last minute to shop. The perky people are tired by then which makes them easier to knock down. Always (and I can NOT stress this enough) ALWAYS attach some kind of sharp pointy object to the toe of your shoe for those "talkers". You know the ones. That's right....the people who run into other people they know, block the isle, stand there and catch up on 4 or more lost years. KICK! KICK HARD! They damn well deserve it.
5. Sometimes a nice drive will help with your holiday depression. So pack your bags, fill up the tank and drive. Just drive. And keep driving. Who knows, you may end up in Vegas, or the French Quarter. Sadly, you will be miles away from the in-laws and the out-laws but....isn't the holiday season about loving "all" your fellow men?
Thank you and.....you're welcome.
At 11/01/2006 10:03 PM, 
barman
Oh can I came too? I have never been to Texas and I have 9 days I have to kill at work or lose them ... PLEASE!
Oh and I am so with you on the pointy thing. I hate it when people do that anywhere in a store but the grocery area has to be the worst. I think it was last Christmas season I think I came close to knoking someone off. I think I could have gotten away with it to. I just know anyone that heard the story would not convict me.
Milky, will you send me a cowboy for Christmas.
I love Christmas! I've started my shopping. Just last night I went through all my leftover wrapping paper to make sure I had a variety of colors and ribbon.
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
I can sing that because this year, someone else will be shoveling my driveway.
Dear Milky,
Barman is typing this for me from the passenger seat in the toaster. We are somewhere near ......hang on.
pssst, Barman what is that we're near again?
Oh yeah, we just passed a barn with "Mail Pouch Tobacco" on it and we're coming up to a tombstone in front of a big ole farm that says, "Thompson Farms." A tombstone. Hmm...wonder what they grow there?
So.....are we close to you yet?
Barman, keep typing.
Deb, You can say that again, my sistah! OY! And ya know what, you just inspired a song. Which means I'm gonna write it out and get Fred to sing it with me on camera just for you.
Manny, Of Course I'm baking mince pie, baby! That's where I get my holiday cheer. Right outa that rum bottle.
You write out "nice" Christmas cards tot he people you work with? Can I see one and take a picture of it. LOL!
Mone, me too! Maybe we'll run into each other. sayyyyyyyy, we can "do lunch" like the la tee da kinda people. Don't forget to hold your pinky out when you drink. And I promise not to get us thrown out before desert.
At 11/02/2006 9:52 AM, CozyMama
OMG thank you. I feel so much better now that I have a plan and it is all thanks to you!!! How will I repay you? hmmm....margarita's at my house perhaps? Great post. I do love the holidays, but I am so not one of those people. We are always broke, so we really do not shop until a couple weeks prior cuz we gotta wait for the damn paychecks to go in. This year I am getting a little spoiled by my parents, they are flying the 4 of us home to Illinois for Christmas...so no shopping until I get there anyway....can't take it all on the damn plane with all those rules. have a great day girl, hope to see you around.
Crabby dear, I already have the song written, last year in fact, would you like a copy? Ah, what the hell, I'll post it here.
"It's The Most Dysfunctional Time Of The Year" (Sung to the tune of "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.")
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
With relatives yelling
your subconscious telling
you just drink some more beer!
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
It's the crap-crapiest season of all
With those holiday fleecings
And tension filled meetings
When they come to call
It's the crap-crappiest season of all!
There'll be delusions for boasting
inlaws are for roasting
And drunks passing out in the snow!
There'll be exaggeration of stories
and nursing of gory
resentments from long, long ago!
It's the most dysfuctional time of the year
There'll be much gripe and groaning
And anger is growing
When those assholes are here
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
COPYRIGHT, DEBBIE DOO DOO
You're welcome! LOL!
OMG Debbie DooDoo, ya hit it....yep right on the head of that ol' nail girl!!! Hell my family was not exactly dysfunctional until around 15 yrs or so ago, honestly, I never thought we were anyway?? Not til my bro, decided to marry this freagin nutcase of a woman, and they decided to spawn. They are now splitsville, which some may think things are getting back to being kinda rosy in the Friendly lil'ol' Lurkers fam damily again, right? But, no, no way!! He goes and hooks up with another nutzoid case. I know it's them, right? It couldn't possibly be me??? I'm just too friendly for it to be me!!! I like everyone, damn it!!!! Ok, I'll go back to my corner, and lurk for awhile again.
Did I ever tell ya'll about my 94 y.o. Granny, and how she can't hear thunder cracking over her head?? And oh, when the phone rings, the calls that lady takes, it's priceless I tell ya!!!
No, this wasn't a touchy subject with me.....Carry on folks, there's nothing here to see!!!
Tina, you're one Christmas gift ahead of me. LOL!
Jodes, Hi, kiddo! I remember when Bob and I were in our younger years and Jake was just a timbit. (too many Horton's trips.) I always waited till the last second on purpose because I could get the best deals. We were so strapped for money back then and really needed those bonus checks.
I think it sounds like fun flying home for Christmas. That's gonna be nice plus, when you come back...no clean up! WOOT!
Deb, THIS IS GREAT STUFF, WOMAN! Fred and I must perform this for you. I'll need to juice Fred up with his usual box o'wine first. It's the only way to get him intot he pink wig. Especially after I gave that Susie Snowflake video from last year to the pastor at my church and all my friends and relatives as a Christmas gift. LOL!
Friendly lurker, you and me....we could soooo trade some stories. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha! Baby, I OWN dysfunctional. And what I don't have on my side....Bob covers for on his. His 92 year old, blind, aunt is now being threatened by the nursing home she lives in. They wanna put her in jail for being violent. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha! I mean, come on nursing home peeps, just duck and tip toe. she can't see ya. LOL! I am dying over here, I swear.
Then on the not so funny side....ahhh but I can't talk about that here. Trust me, I got a doozy in my dysfunct handbag. Genuine GOLD!
I heard when Granny is all finished with her STD treatments she'll be back to playing again.
Rox, let's see who can get the most beads. Betcha Barman wins. He's been flashing everybody we pass from here to Kansas for free.
` YESSS I love the song, Debbie Doo Doo!
` I'm so glad I live more than a thousand miles away from my nearest relatives!!!
` Especially since many of them really are psychotic. When PsychoDad went to Ohio for a court hearing once, he knocked on my brother's door and my brother was like; 'What are you doing in this state?'
` Then PsychoDad just started berating him for no reason and talking about horrible things that may or may not have happened ten years previous, and started spouting all his delusional beliefs about how everyone's trying to kill him!
` My dad can do this for over six hours, by the way (I'm not kidding!), so my brother pretended he had to go to work just to get away from him!
` I'm glad my dad doesn't know where I live!
The song was written in the dreadful anticipation of my mother & father in law, and 20 something brother and two sisters in law (one a single mother with a two year old) crashing our house for a week after Christmas last year. Four days into the trip I was going stark, raving mad and tried to be out of the house as much as possible. Four days into it my MIL finally got drunk enough and comfortable enough to start launching into ten years worth of why I wasn't good enough for her son. Much satisfaction was gained on giving it right back and having hubby dearest back me up. For about a month afterwards, things were suprisingly improved, but now we're pretty much back to me being evil and whatnot. So you know, merry freaking christmas. You got the G rated version but I try not to dwell and just see the humor.
Sadly, there is a reason why most of us laugh ourselves silly with George Costanza's "Festivus" vision. (Though I am proud to say I very clearly was the victor in the "Feats of Strength" and people might be more wary about the "airing of the grievances.")
Zen! THANK YOU, SIR! They ARE a scam! And the fact that Christmas products are now brought out before Halloween makes that point loud and clear, IMO.
Seequin, if you ever have a weak moment when you are tempted to tell your Dad where you are, you write me, like RIGHT THEN! Keep the peace in your life, baby. I'll back you 100% on that one. I've been there and done and I know allll about it.
Deb, she's damned lucky to have you. And you can believe I mean that with all sincerity. I think your the most quick witted, bright people I've met on-line. And I LOVE your song. Just remember this year, I betcha there are a ton of us out here ready to hang onto each other for dear life while we get through the "dreaded holiday season". Yeegads this oughta be an interesting year. Especially since most of us aren't too proud to just put it out there. LOL!
Manny, you mean like teriaki, teryaki (DAMN! are there any asians here? I need spelling assistance) anyway, that sauce? What if the others want to dip their turkey? We don't have to share do we?
Maybe I could just drop a butt-load in the pie. Nobody has to know. They'll just think it's soupy cuz I'm such a bad cook. That's not even a stretch.
At 11/02/2006 7:50 PM, Cazzie!!!
I usualy have all my Xmas goodies done by now but I haven't done a bloody thing as yet. I have four kids and they will be lucky to be getting anything from me this year (winks).
We are renovating a city bus into a motorhome so we can take the blighters around Australia before they get too old and crabby and don't wanna be seen with their embarrasing parents :)
So, most of our dosh will go into that and they will be getting small gifts and lots of huggs from us.
I love Christmas but as a nurse I see the other side where it can be depressing for elderly people and homeless people. That and easter and cold winter months are the times that depression hits people hard.
I too hate people that stand there and chat in the centre of the aisle when you are trying to get through to do your thing. My other half just runs into their shins with the trolley..I used to go crook at him but now I don't care. I may even comment and say, "Oh, some people are so rude to be standing there gass bagging in the centre of the aisle"..I am brave :)
Cazzie! Hi, kiddo! You realize we will be wanting you to put of pics of your bus renovation. That sounds so cool!
I feel awfully bad for the eldery at Christmas. This year will be difficult for my 84 year old MIL. She lost her brother and sister both over the summer. I think people who have elderly neighbors or family should pay some extra attention to them during the holidays.
Gas bagging? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha! I've never heard that before. I am soooo pilfering it.
LOL! That's great!
Barman, I know I didn't tell you. Did ya think I was gonna let you get a head start on me? The object is to have more beads at the end of the day than the other guy.
Milky, don't help him! He's already lifting his shirt up every chance he gets. LMAO!
Check your shoes before you leave.
Well...get in your car and drive to Texas. Stop and pick up bloggers along the way and I think we might be able to find a turkey to eat or shoot (as in shot glass) LOL
I'm so getting some of those point toe things. That pisses me off worse than about anything at the grocery store. GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY BITCH, I'M ON A MISSION.
:)