about
Imagine the earth opens up, Satan pops his ugly head out and says….snicker snicker…I’m gonna annoy you alllll day today just for the hell of it. (no pun intended) That’s pretty much how last Thursday went. We’ll just skip over all that happened before my meltdown. Except to say, I hadn’t eaten since 7 am. No coffee, and my arm itched like a sumbitch from the shot I’d had that morning.
Soooo, with a car full of groceries and a belly full of….HULLO…NUTHIN! I pull up into the cross walk to make a right turn cause some blond in a van the size of Montana, putting on lipstick and fluffing her hair at the traffic light, is blocking my view. My goal here is to make a right turn, run that last errand, get home, change outa the crotch crushing jeans I’m wearing, get coffee, and finally…FINALLY eat something.
As luck would have it (my luck) a cop appears outa nowhere and motions me into the gas station on the corner.
(Conversation near as I can recall)
Cop: Ma’am it’s illegal to block a crosswalk.
I’m not sure what came over me when I heard this. But I tell you, I suddenly became so angry that I my skin felt like it was on fire. I may have even grown fangs but….I couldn’t see myself so…I’m just guessing.
Me: Are you kidding me?
Cop: No I’m not kidding you. Licens……..
Me: Could you make a right turn around Bambi the bimbo driving a house on wheels without pulling up to see what was coming, OFFICER??? Cuz…maybe it’s me but…I couldn’t see a damned thing through her.
Cop: I’m sorr
Me: Yanno, the last time I got pulled over was 12 years ago. That was because I didn’t have tag on the front of my car. Now I’m getting pulled over for pulling up in a cross walk? (my arms are flying all over the place. Probably lucky he didn’t shoot me) DO YOU SEE ANY PEOPLE AROUND HERE???? ….NOOOOOOO! YOU KNOW WHY? THEY’RE ALL IN CARS! THERE ARE NO PEDESTRIANS! Where were you when that guy on Tuller was speeding so fast his car spun out in a complete circle and he took off goin the other direction? Or…or…how about when that foreign lady drove me off the rode. NOWHERE! YOU GUYS ARE NEVER AROUND FOR THAT CRAP! But let me step outa line the teensiest bit and….you guys are all over me! What is it? Is it me? DO I HAVE A COP MAGNET EMBEDDED IN MY ASS OR SOMETHING???
Cop: (lip twitching, asks innocently) That time of the month? I’m married. My wife gets like this sometimes.
Me: (complete 1080. tearing up, emotional…probably from fatigue and starvation but possibly extreme mental illness) awwww. You think I look young enough to still have a time of the month. That’s soooo sweet!
Cop: (obviously not sure what to make of me at this point) You look very young, ma’am. Now be honest. I’m sure you’ve done your share of speeding we didn’t catch at one time or another too.
Me: (pissed again) HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT I’M DRIVING? I HAVE PLASTIC WHEELS ON THIS THING! IT’S INCAPABLE OF SPEEDING. (leaning in conspiratorally, I confide to him…..) I have been passed by ……. Old people. Hell, I’ve been passed on both sides at once with one person going into the turn lane to get around me. That’s how slow this thing is!
Cop: (looking down at my wheels) ”Are you sure they’re plastic? “
Me: YES! Clack on them. They’re totally plastic.
Cop: (laughing) Wow. They are plastic!
He ended up sending me on my way and telling me he hoped my day got better. Course when I got home and made the mistake of telling Bob, I got…..”the talk”. It started with, “Didn’t you learn anything from the “I have a dog in a crate,” incident? Do you know how high our insurance could have shot up if you’d gotten a ticket. And ended with….Did you really ask if you had a cop magnet embedded in your ass?
When I told him what the cop looked like it turned out Bob’s met him and had him over to our house to show him the ravine. He’s a red-haired guy with freckles and kind of a belly so he’s pretty unmistakable. Small world. Go figure.
OH MY....what a funny story. Ok Crabby...I am here to enlighten you on a most wonderful food: ROLLED TACOS.
You take tortilla shells, fill them with shredded beef, chicken or whatever, roll them and then deep fry them and top them with shredded cheddar cheese, sour cream and guacamole and hot sauce. All I can say is that they spell Y U M M Y!! I can't say that I've ever had very good ones in the mid west, but if you ever come out this way....there are a zillions of little taco stands in San Diego everywhere. I know, I overnight some to you so you can see for yourself. Ummmm...they may be kind of nasty by then.
So there you have it...a rolled taco ;o)
Milky, yes, I do, matter o'fact. The question is...how do we remove it?
Jillie, YUM! I lived in Texas for awhile and you are soooo right. there's a definite difference in mid-west Mexican and South-west mexican.
Milky, banana bikes candy? How come? And how can you stand that stuff? Aren't those the orange peanut lookin things. ICKY!
Tell ya what is good tho...Charleston Chews. MMMMM MMMM! Yum to my tum.
Barman, he thought I was funny and a'course, I filled him in on alllll the details of my bad day. My best guess is....he woulda done anything to not have to hear the sound of my voice anymore. Happens to Bob all the time.
Crabbs, I did that once. I was not trying to get out of a ticket for speeding but the cop said something and I just started telling him everything that had happened that evening to me. He finally let me off with a warning and told me not to speed for 3 months. I felt so lucky and I pretty much lived up to my word.
Well three months have been done a long time ago. :)
At 3/12/2007 9:16 PM, 
GAB
LOL is there a magnet in your butt? Funny but it seems thats the way it usually happens to me too. Just let me not make a complete stop to turn the corner and there is NO ONE FOR 50 MILES and there is that cop pulling me over! It has to be because they have some kind of sixth sence to us because believe me when they sit and watch my hubby go by at at least 15 miles over the speed limit and do nothing! :(
aarrrgghhhh!!!!!
Manny, No way would I take pics. I'd be too afraid one of those gals would think I'm a talent scout or something and start following me around.
Barman, I swear...after Thursday, I'm pretty sure if you spew enough words fast enough and with feeling....they just want you to go away cuz...who'd lock that in their cruiser with them?
Milky, show me one. I still think they're those orange spongy peanut things. Those things make my tongue curl up.
Gab! EXACTLY! For instance not only does Bob drive fast but sometimes....he doesn't even put his seatbelt on when we leave a drive thru or something till he's been on the street for like 10 minutes. And NOBODY ever gives him grief. It's the most amazing thing.
Cazzie, I believe that young fella will be afraid to pull over red headed old ladies from here on out. I almost feel sorry for him.
G-man, pass me an ice cap. It's a beeUteeful day and I am loaded for bear. Naw my projects aren't nearly done. LOL! I have projects workin out the wazoo. (where is that exactly?) I'm fixing to move my home office next. I'll be posting from a whole different locale.
Rox, you make me happy too. :)
Wish I'd thought of the beeper thing. Maybe we could have pinpointed the exact location and then Milky coulda dug it out. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha! I crack me up.
Jodes, a Scion XB. Cheap car and I absolutely LOVE IT! LOVE IT! LOVE IT! I traded a used Porsche for that car. LOL! But yanno what? In all honesty, I'd rather put my bucks into my home and computer play stuff than the fancy cars. Those things are more important to me. And this cheap little baby is PAID FOR! WOOT! She's got kick ass cup holders for my Hortons, a kickin stero, and fat cubby for change. Plus I can haul as many treasures as I wanna. Now "that" is a dream car.
Barman, ya think the self-scan at Krogers would do the trick? I can pretty much get away with anything there. They know me. LOL!
Manny, I need that stinking gun. I can still heft my intenet ass up high enough to sit upon the self scan. LOL!
PS. This particular cop reminds me so much of a grown up Opie with hair. He's actually a very sweet man. I remember now meeting him before when he was here. I'd just forgotten till Bob reminded me.
bt! Are you back from vacation alredy? did you bring anything back for me? Is Mrs. Bt all rested up?
PS. I love you too.
Barman, Top o'the morn, bro. Boy a Horton's would be AWESOME right about now. I'm closer tho. I'll go and bring one to you. course by the time I get there, it'll need some warming. LOL! (especially the way I drive) Old lady in a toaster comin thru.
Check your shoes before you leave.
So. Do you have one in your ass?