about
So last night we had another "visitation"..... meaning, another old person in Bob's family dropped dead and we had to go look at them. By now you all know that my own family has some weird-assed funerals. There was the time my cousin came in with her new breasts and had everybody feeling them to see how real they felt...even better the time......but I digress. This one, isn't about my nutty family. It's allllllllllllll about Bob. That's right. Mr. nice guy, who manages to keep his head when all others are flailing about madly....screwed up.....not once...but....TWICE! Do you love it???
Now understand, I only get pleasure from this because every single time we get together with friends he LOVES to tell them about the time I sent him to the wrong funeral. Boy was he pissed when he got back......but...I digress again.
We get to the visitation.... which is deep in the heart of the South end, in a little funeral home my grandmother used to frequent as our hard drinking, chain smoking, drug using relatives dropped off like flies. She got a huge discount for quantity. We walk in expecting to be greeted by family members like usual. But the only person standing in the hall is this massively tattooed fella wearing a muscle shirt, dirty sneakers, and a pair of jeans, cut off to make shorts. It's immediately apparent that shaving has not been high on his priority list for the past 3 or 4 days. Nor has hair combing or teeth brushing.
"Oh there," Bob says, pointing to the scruffy looking fellow. Then he proceeds to walk up to the man with this big friendly grin on his face and say......."Well, hi there. How have you been? You remember, Pam, don't ya?" (I'm Pam) At this point, I swear to you, the man's mouth formed this perfect O, his eyes got really little and squinty like he was trying to focus but couldn't quite get there. That's when it hit me. Bob was faking. He didn't have a clue who this guy was. So I took the heat off the guy before he strained so hard he accidentally crapped his britches or something and said, "I really doubt he does, Bob. He was drunker than a skunk that night." Now....this fella brightens right up and says...."Oooohhhhh, yeah! That night." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Later standing by the coffin Bob looks down at his dead relative and says (this is true, I swear) "She looked a lot better at Mother's service."
I looked at him. Looked at her, and said, "That's cause she's dead, Bob."
I think he's losin it. I do. One day he's gonna wake up and he'll have my brain and I'll have his.
Labels: crazy family, dead people, drunks, funerals
Crabby that is so funny!
NUTS!
Thanks again for the niceties at mine, meant a lot!!
At 7/18/2007 9:08 PM, 
GAB
ebezp, thanks for the monkeys!!!
PS. No thanks needed from you sir. It was purely selfish. I miss you when you're gone.
TC, thanks for coming back! :)
Sign, ain't that the truth?
BT, truly. Our life is a constant circus. There's always something. Honestly even when we're both sick, something will happen.
Gab, I swear to you. I have never seen a good looking dead person. They all look dead to me. Yet inevitably people will come up and say...."doesn't she look good?" Well........NOOOOOOOOOO! She looks stiff.
ba doozie, you do a pretty darn good job yourself, missy. I love your stuff.
Cazzie, I've been missing that Aussie accent.
Mone, did you say award? I love awards!
Milky, don't ya mean...poor Crabby? hmmmmm? Wasn't me that messed up this time. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha haha hahahaha!
Manny, I wasn't on the sofa....unless it was after dark. LOL! I've been workin' hard! I walk 2 miles every morning and then I do the nature trail in the evening. Plus weight resistance exercises Cool, huh? I'm a walking energy bomb now. I even got my old lingerie out. WOOT!
Sign? FOR REAL? I didn't expect to even stay on the list for more than a couple days. Ok...this is seriously cool. Thank you, you guys. sincerely.
Barman, how sweet is this? Especially since I got the heads up that I'd never get anywhere close to Rayme. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha. Watch her beat the living hell outa me now. LOL!
G-man, Hiya, hunny! Yep Pam like the cooking spray. Just think, non-stick...and that'll be me.
Guys, guess what I've been doing today? I'll post pics soon as I can see.
I got a new haircut day before yesterday but it wasn't the way Milky and Bob suggested and I thought it was a little screwy lookin so I used the 7 day guarantee and went back today. I got a different person and she whacked it off a little better.
Then.....are you ready....my new eyeballs came in.
Only problem is...I'm having some trouble seeing. LOL! Give me a minute.
Check your shoes before you leave.
"That's cause she's dead, Bob."
I lost it when I read that. I think you are rubbing off on Bob. I love you two.