Crabby's Cowpie Field

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

CHILD ABUSE via THE DASTARDLY SEA MONKEY!

If there is any justice the seamonkey people will all burn in hell.
Taking advantage of children and the dim-witted! They should be ashamed of themsleves.

When I was a kid I sent them a dollar expecting to grow these adorable little imps you see here.

What I got, was this. Specks in a plastic bowl with magnifying dots.

When I was 26, I sent them even more money. (They'd developed new growth food.) Still expecting to get what you see in the pic above. What I got, was more specks in another plastic container.
When I was 47 I sent them the biggest check yet. (they came out with colors and an extra packet of growth food) Still more specks, damn it!

Having been rooked numerous times I am pleased to announce, through much research and hours of hard labor...I have developed ......CrabMonkeys.
Never be fooled again. Forget the SeaMonkeys!
CrabMonkeys are guaranteed to please. Each with it's own personality and lively crab like spirit.
Just send $19.99 to
I WANT THOSE CRABMONKEY'S
P.O. Box 69
Crabville, USA 53028

Or call 1-800-IMA-SUKA

posted by Crabby at 9:27 AM |

34 Comments:

At 9/27/2006 9:52 AM, MilkMaid

I know a cheaper way to get Crabs.

I MEAN...Barman TOLD ME a cheaper way to get Crabs.

At 9/27/2006 12:02 PM, Crabby

Barman has been a very naughty brother. And I am sooooo gonna get him back for the video he sent. LMAO!

He's in deep doo doo this time.

At 9/27/2006 12:03 PM, Anonymous

Everytime I venture to Baltmore, I come back home with a case of Crabs.

They are so good in drawn butter

At 9/27/2006 12:18 PM, GAB

lol I remember sending money too for my kids/grandkids. I told the grandsons that it was a waste of money but their sad little eyes and pouting mouth I gave in and sent in more money! will we never learn?

At 9/27/2006 12:29 PM, Crabby

I also bought freckle removing cream. I used it every day. Guess what? I still have the blasted freckles!

Crabs are good for you. Fun to play with and very smart. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT THEM JANE! NOW SPIT EM BACK OUT!

At 9/27/2006 12:29 PM, Zen Wizard

Could you include some Kwell lotion in case we don't like the crab monkeys?

My biggest childhood disappointment was PF Fliers. They were tennis shoes where the kid in the commercial put them on and jumped like fifty feet.

I think every kid in my town fell for that.

Then, there was Hai Karate cologne. The nerd in the commercial put it on, and had to fight off girls with karate.

My grandmother gave me some for Xmas. The only female I had to fight off was my grandmother....maybe I should deal with this more in a private therapeutic forum, huh???

At 9/27/2006 12:31 PM, MilkMaid

Figures she eats that....SHIT.

hahaha I crack myself up.

At 9/27/2006 12:32 PM, MilkMaid

OH MY GOD Zen, that was a blast from the past, PF Fliers. And how HARD I worked at keeping mine all white and pristine too. LOL!

At 9/27/2006 12:59 PM, Unknown

I had no idea that that was what they actually look like. Meritt's (at Coffee Talking) kids grew them this summer and they didn't look like that...but then again I was only saying I could see them to fit in...you know like those visual puzzles that have the hidden picture in them? A lot like that...

At 9/27/2006 1:01 PM, Anonymous

Ok, I'll take them on. Postage to the UK?

At 9/27/2006 1:43 PM, MilkMaid

crabmonkeys suck.

At 9/27/2006 1:50 PM, Zen Wizard

Every kid in town was scammed by those PF Fliers.

Shouldn't they come out with them AGAIN, now that there is a new generation of gullible kids?

At 9/27/2006 1:51 PM, Crabby

Zen, LMAO! I remember those high karate commercials. Remember the Noxema shaving ones?
PS. We're nothing if not theraputic around here. snort!

Milky, you know she'll eat anything.

Kept, everybody else was lying too. Nobody has ever seen one. Cuz...you can't. I can't see the visual puzzles either. I think it's a form of torture. One person told me if I crossed my eyes, then I'd see it. I did. And I couldn't.

Miss understood, postage......um....er.....2 dollars and 30 cents. Yeah, that sounds good.

At 9/27/2006 1:52 PM, Crabby

Milky, that's right. They do suck. And you can watch in living color for just 19.99.

Zen, this is a fine idea. Only I say we make up our own junk and sell it to them. We could be rich in a month!

At 9/27/2006 2:12 PM, Spoony Quine

` I can see visual puzzles just fine. The trick is to not focus directly on the flat image itself. So, how do you focus?
` The way they work is that the repeating pattern going from left to right tricks the eyes into thinking that two different blobs is only one blob and in order to see it that way, it behooves your eyes to be crossed. After your eyes focus in and out a bit, the rest of the blobs become paired - when this happens, it looks as if a shape is carved into the surface of the picture!

` And Crabby, since you created something as insane and inane as Crab Monkeys, I think I might like to hire you in my lab. Whaddaya say?

At 9/27/2006 2:15 PM, Crabby

You're on, Seequin. what do ya need me to create?

At 9/27/2006 2:46 PM, Manny

When I was a child, mom bought me seamonkey's and they grew. Honest. They only lived 2 or 3 days, but they did grow. Aren't they little shrimp or something? I dunno, but mine grew.

At 9/27/2006 2:50 PM, barman

You need an infomercial. You can sell anything on an infomercial. That or get it on the Home Shopping Network. This could be bigger then pet rocks or chia pets and maybe even mood rings.

At 9/27/2006 3:02 PM, Manny

ahhhhhhhhhhh ah ah ah ah I work with a couple of people I refer to as "pet rocks"

Crab you really shouldn't have killed your seamonkeys.

At 9/27/2006 3:08 PM, SignGurl

Milky, I do suck. Shh...Don't tell Mr. Sign.

I've been taken by this critters more times than I care to admit. The last batch was a couple of years ago and they lived for over a year. They were lazy though because they never built any castles or wore crowns.

At 9/27/2006 3:08 PM, Crabby

Barman, are you setting me up so you can bring in that freaky little six flags guy again? You are sooo gonna get it for that. Don't even try to hide, cuz...I'll find ya.

Manny, I didn't kill them I sent them off to the sea. They liked it. I guess. Couldn't tell since, they're friggin invisible!

At 9/27/2006 3:10 PM, Crabby

Sign, could you see them? All I could see were little black specks.
Between sea monkeys and freckle cream, I have been tainted. Oh and, I'm ashamed to say...I also ordered xray glasses.

At 9/27/2006 3:19 PM, Anonymous

hey! Check your mail. I found something you have to see.

At 9/27/2006 3:22 PM, josh williams

For $5.99 and a SASE I will send you ten great recipes for seamonkeys!

At 9/27/2006 3:25 PM, Crabby

Chris, I'm on my way to check it out. Thanks for the heads up.

Josh, how do ya cook the little boogers if ya can't see them?

At 9/27/2006 3:41 PM, Crabby

Chris, I am rolling over here! That's the funniest thing I have seen on the blogs yet! I wish they had e-mail. I'd love to link them but I don't want to if they're intentionally keeping to themselves.

At 9/27/2006 4:53 PM, Unknown

The little one on the left has a big butt or is it a tail, I can't quite tell??
Have you ever heard of quick grow cement people. Put a small block of cement in a microwave oven and turn it onto full power for 10 minutes. One of two things will happen - either it will work and small concrete people will be made or you will need to buy a new microwave but either way you will know if it worked or not :D

At 9/27/2006 11:47 PM, Spoony Quine

` I see you've used my DNA, Crabby. Can you make a killing machine with it?
` Also, did you know that there is an episode of South Park about 'Sea People', where the fat kid got sea people and semen mixed up, and he put them in this huge tank together and they fused and began building cities and wearing crowns?
` ...I suggest trying that and see if it helps.

At 9/27/2006 11:55 PM, Spoony Quine

` Also, I mentioned this post on IOASMS. (I wish the initials were ORGASMS!!!!)

At 9/28/2006 5:30 AM, Anonymous

Jane you ignorant slut

At 9/28/2006 5:53 AM, Crabby

Gareth, why do I get the feeling I'm being set up? ............ oh wait, I know. Because it's you????? LMAO!
Somebody else try it first and let me know what happens.

Seequin, sounds good to me. I'm excellent at mixing things up.

Deb, don't you think we pick on Jane too much? Give me a minute to think on it. ...................
Nope!
Jane, you ignorant slut!

At 9/28/2006 8:57 AM, barman

No more 6 flags guy, promise. However I am in hiding. My cable modem bit the big one last night so I have a tussel or two I need to do with the cable people and then probably off to the store. Bit for now... I guess I am in hiding.

At 9/28/2006 8:59 AM, barman

HEY WAIT A MINUTE! Did you already start to get me back???

I have been smelling something at work all morning and I could not figure out what it was. Then I found it. I had stepped in a pile somewhere and there was some still on the bottom of my shoe.

This has Crabcakes written all over it.

At 9/29/2006 5:24 PM, Roxi

Holla.

I see what you did.. you know I have new less evil looking pictures on my flikr page..