about
Days one and two you see pictured here. While there was no real bloodshed at that point my bra (white lump on dresser) did suffer some minor injury after I tore it off in a minor fit of rage against whoever invented the blasted breast saddle in the first place.
End of day 3. Bad ju ju.
Page 14. That's where the Demons from hell came out. I don't know what happened. Bob was in the dining room repairing our i-pods. I was STILL in my new office trying to decipher Spanish instructions when I realized, the bustards at desk hell had shorted me 4 screws.
(It's important to note here that Bob does NOT like me to swear. I swear...I get..."the talk". I hate, "the talk" and will do anything to avoid it. Which is why I have a list of made up, "swears" I use in heated moments. Like, crap on a cracker, mother ducker, ratsen sucker....you get the idea.)
Yet in that moment, a string of obscenities, began to erupt from my mouth. Senseless babbling swears, some known in the regular world of swearing, some, my own personal favorites. The more I swore, the louder I got. I remember the dog rocketed out of the room, drool flying from the side of her jowls. I remember hearing Bob's voice but, it was as if he were speaking under water. On and on the room filled with a putrid cloud of green foulness. And.....I LIKED it!
I have no idea how long it went on. It stopped as suddenly as it began with .... PIG SHIT! I think I may have had a drip of spittle on my chin. Not sure. Noticing a shadow in the doorway, I cautiously rolled my eyes in that direction. There stood Bob, Lucy the dog, hiding behind his legs. I was tired. Spent. And I knew...."the talk of talks" was about to begin.
To my surprise, all Bob said, calmly was, "Need some help?" I don't know what saved me. Perhaps it was empathy from a man who has suffered through furniture assembly instructions himself.
But as of this moment, though close, the desk remains....incomplete.
Labels: angry woman, frustration, furniture assembly, swearing
Gawd how I hate furniture assembely. Is that the fate of all of us, from now to eternity??? The idea behind Ikea, making things less expensive, so that Dick and Jane can have that lovely new dining set in their fabulous loft? If only those wonderful friends who now sit upon the sofa, had a clue, how long Dick struggled to find the correct allen wrench (which was not included in packet as instructions showed it to be) to make that dad-nabbit hexagon screw grab ahold of the other side of the freakin' side panel....aghh!!!!!
I feel ya pain sistah! Good luck with your desk. I couldn't sit and watch the agony of defeat that my hubby encounter attempting to put ours together. The profanities, from such a mild mannered man at that, were just too much to take....I just couldn't bare the thought to ask him to maybe move that heavy damn thing two feet over once he had it together.
Oh all right, all you had to do was ask. I will help you.
Here are some substitutes I found floating around on the WEB
Frak
Mother Scruncher
Smurfing
Sugar
Frelling
goldarn
What did you think I ment help with the desk? No way no how. I usually get Sauder furniture because they usually have all the parts and the instructions are about as clear as they seem to get. I still shudder at the thought of assembling even something from Sauder.
Good luck.
At 4/10/2007 11:30 AM, 
Mouthy Girl
I fucking HATE assembly required bullshit. The only thing I hate more is being shorted screws, washers, allen wrenches, etc. Fucking manufacturers.
Bob would hate me. I curse, luridly, all day, all the time. My kid already says, "Oh shit!" at the drop of a hat. He mumbles it because he's not even two so no one really knows that he's cursing. I can't take credit for it. My friend, Old Hippi, taught him to say it when he was nine months old.
We're total class in Buddha World.
Kept, I may be banned from furniture period after this. My temperament has gone downhill since yesterday. LOL!
Jyflol! Hi ya, honey! I can't even tell you how bad my tail bone is hurting now. I'm two steps shy of getting myself locked up in a sanitarium somewhere with all the other crazies. This is like TORTURE! who the hell comes up with these instructions? A bunch of crackheads?
Barman, I had a feeling you wouldn't be much help with that blasted desk yesterday when ya told me to insert slot a into slot b and attach to the thingamabobby.
UGH! I'm in such a foul mood! Why did I want drawers?? Why why why?
Buddah, I have discovered...Bob is much more ....er...flexable on the swearing thing when it comes to furniture assembly. He appears to be willing to let me say and do anything as long as he doesn't have to do any more assembling himself. Interesting. There must be something more I can take from this. I'm pondering it.
Milky, these are my dickies. No really. That's what they're called. I got 'em in the little boy department. I like to wear them when I dress up. They're much nicer than my duct-taped easy spirits. LOL!
LOL, Crab. BTW, they ALWAYS short you at least four screws. It makes up for screwing you at least four ways.
Husband had an *enjoyable* time assembling a near life-size toy backhoe/bulldozer last Christmas. The instructions were translated from German, and you know how the Germans are respected for their engineering... They didn't leave out a single step... The instructions were a BOOK... and Husband, not being mechanical, spent a great deal of time reading and manipulating small parts with his hands in an attempt to make them resemble the ones shown in the directions... I - being the mechanical one - would occasionally glance over my shoulder and say, "I think you have that upside-down," which began to grate on his placid soul...
I believe that profanity and assembly were made for each other.
'Hope you get it together soon!
Hey lookie, I found a bunch of videos and assembly of a desk. I am sure none will help you but you will feel like you tried. Who needs all those drawers anyway?
So who ever heard of pink cow background anyway? Milky did a favor.
At 4/11/2007 1:43 AM, wmy
Manny, I'm this close.....
< > to having it finished. And it only took 5 days off and on. Sadly, I have thrown my back out and pulled a muscle in my neck that makes my fingers go numb. (sigh) But by damn when it's done...I can say I did it myself!
Barman, if only one of those videos had my desk in it. LOL! I'm close, dude. I'm in the home stretch.
G, bras and assembly torture do not mix. Too easy to take one off and use it to hang yourself....well....if I didn't buy such cheap ones. LOL!
Cazzie, I like that cow too. She's got oomph! LOL!
Wmy, oh yeah, baby. Cheap is my middle name. All ya have to do is look at how I dress. LOL!
Jodes, THANK YOU! But Milky did all the work on the remodel. She doesn't trust me behind the curtain....I have accidents. LOL!
Check your shoes before you leave.
I have been banned from ever purchasing furniture in the future from Target for this very reason.
The things are held together with eyeglass sized screws and the directions are pictorial...but not very good pictures.
Swear on, my friend. Bob will change his tune if he ever tries to hang wallpaper.