about
Dear Miss Ellie,This time you've really gone and done it. What were you thinking not telling us about the infection you had? If you weren't dead, I'd smack the pee out of you for this! How could you up and die on me? Leaving me with all this whacko family crap to deal with? All I can say is.... you go right now and borrow a tablet and pencil from St. Peter and start writing down all the ways you're gonna make this up to me.
Gripe #1. The princess.
Your daughter came into my home and commanded me to keep my dog away from her (which meant me standing outside in the cold with my dog) All the while she kept yelling my name, sending me up and down the stairs to "get Bob, right now!" I put up with it too. Even though she was sitting at my computer, in MY office, using my crap! Ok, I admit, I did finally snap. But she had it coming. It's one thing to be ordered around in your own home. It's another to be talked down to like some kind of lacky. When she told me if I wanted her to write "this obituary" I would have to make myself available to her (while also watching my dog outside) I blew. I told her, "I don't give a shit if you write it or not. If you'll pick your snotty ass up out of my chair I'll write the damned thing." But COME ON! How much can a person take?
To my credit I did turn down the heavy shot of scotch offered to me by my neighbor. (and wasn't easy!)
Sadly, your daughter can also be amazingly sweet which totally screws with my head. Is she a good witch? Or a bad witch? I DON'T FRIGGIN KNOW! One thing is for certain, she has an amazing talent for making people cry. She had 3 people crying and running to me for help her first day here. GeezLOOeeze, Ellie. What the hell did you feed that girl? Human flesh?
Gripe #2
The dog. I had to fight like all the demon's from hell to keep that googley-eyed little dog in the family. (Jake says she has one eye huntin' and one eye fetchin') Arrangements had been made without my knowledge to have the dog removed from your home the day of your funeral. Think I didn't blow a gasket that day? I'm lucky I didn't end up in a home with people who tear their hair out and talk to imaginary friends, thanks to you. But damned if I didn't get George to take Molly. He loves her now even though he swore he didn't want two dogs. Sometimes people just don't know what's good for them. Fortunately, they have me to point the way.
Gripe #3
How come you had a flashy blue bra in with all those old lady unders and never told me? Were you living a double life? No matter. I gave it to George. He looks good in it.
Gripe #4
Why thee hell is my picture in your attic? I REALLY want to know the answer to this one, missy! #1's picture sits in a place of honor in the living room and I"m in the attic. WHAT THE HELL? Well, that's fine, cuz I'm making art out of your toilet seat. I'm displaying it in my front yard with your name and butt print on it. How ya' like that? HUH?
Gripe #5
How could you just leave like that without giving me a chance to say good-bye? Maybe...not saying yes, not saying no, but just maybe, I loved you. Ever think of that? Maybe I miss you. And maybe, possibly, you've left me with a big hole in my chest. When all the lights are out at night, maybe I remember and remembering hurts so bad I can hardly stand it. And it makes me angry at you for leaving like that when you didn't have to. Even more angry than I get with your snotty daughter when she talks to me like I'm the hired help.
Gripe #6
You didn't even leave directions to Heaven. Where is it? Up? Down? All around me? How do I find you again? When I need to talk to you, where do I go?
Not to make you jealous or anything but there were several deserts at your reception. and they were all delicious. PLEBBBT!
Labels: blue bras, death, desert, dogs, google eyes, heaven, hell, witches
At 5/23/2007 5:05 PM, 
GAB
Sorry about Miss. Ellie. I know it has to be the hardest thing ever to deal with then along comes family who will make it worse every time. Prays are with you. BTW heaven better be all around you and all ya need to do is talk to Miss Ellie and I know she will hear you and maybe even answer so dont freak out if you start hearing her answering you.
You know, I bet you get a moment alone and you will be able to talk with Miss Ellie. She will love to hear from you. Now don't you go keeping no secrets from us now. We don't want to have to worry about saying goodbye any time soon.
Myself I kind of think I would love to do a wake instead of a funeral. You know you do not know me well enough yet but I so bet you could break that ice and get everyone having a good time remembering the past. Maybe that could be your job.
Oh and that whole in your chest ... when was the last time you eat anything Missy? Take care of yourself. To bad you were not closer, I would love to have watch over Lucy for a little while. Heck she might even get me in good with my local coffee/pastry shop.
Milky, that's just the beginning. Oh HUNNY! The stuff that's going on now...you are NOT gonna believe.
Gab, Ellie has been a second mother to me since I was 12. After last night, I think maybe she is nearby cause I know she would have been standing right there with me last night when I threatened to kill Bob if he didn't SNAP OUT OF IT. I may take him out anyhow just cuz he has me so pissed.
Manny, no you didn't. Plebbt. I found out where it came from. Present from her gentleman friend. How adorable is that?
Barman, all you'd have to do is take Lucy to your local coffee shop one time and she'd have them giving you all kinds of attention. LOL!
About that eating thing....I lost almost 8 pounds! you forget to eat. Honest. I call it the death diet.
Sign, I'll always miss her. She was a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. My sisters and I got her wasted on Daquaris (can NOT spell this. LOL!) That old gal could drink us under the table. Ask Manny.
LMAO! Word of honor Milky. Ah will not tease y'all about your twang on a Thursdee.
PS guys...I'll be back soon as I can. I have a mission to run over at Ellie's. Milky tried to talk me out of it but.......welllll, some things just gotta be done. If I back down on it...I'll let ya know, Milky. LOL! NOT!
You know, Crab, you made me cry with this one. All the gushy, heartfelt sympathy cards dutifully rationalize the dead, but you pulled out all the stops and gave her - and us - your humor, your anger and your love, all delivered from your heart and raging red-headed temper! It probably won't catch on, but the funeral rant just might be a better send-off than a eulogy.
I'm sorry for your loss and for the whacko family crap. If anybody can shape them up, you should be able to.
Take care of yourself.
Teehee Crabby. You are very much like me. Finding amusement and laughter in something so serious as death :)
And what in the heck was that from Anonymous. I mean jeez Louise who has time to actually read all of that and with your A.D.D. you would need plenty of pictures just to get through it all!!!
Welcome back, you were missed (by me at least)
At 5/24/2007 7:25 PM, Spoony Quine
` WTF is with that strange anonymous person? Putting that on your posts? Don'tcha just love it?
` I'm so glad you haven't disappeared with your brain, Crabby! Really, I think your brain must be working very well if you're going to write something that funny about something so depressing!
` BTW, I was brutally gunned down in a parking garage last week, while wearing really hawt goth clothings. Any chance you could write me an obit? ;D
Good grief what a waste of good writing space, Anonymous took up!!! Do ya think they really expect people to try to read all that crap??
Anyway, SO good to see you back!! You are a ray of sunshine on a bleck day Miss Crabby!!!
I must confess tho, I'm ascared of death paying it's visit upon my family....as I too feel it will be with monsterous results!! Why do our siblings hafta be such asses, when we all really need them to just get a grip on themselves during a such a difficult time - at least we didn't hear of anyone doing the drama queen act of throwing themselves on the....well...you know "what".
Take care of yourself....and I don't think you really wanna take out Bob, do ya?
At 5/25/2007 12:16 AM, Cazzie!!!
You know what, I think we are kindrid spirits you and I. I got mad at my nan for dying too..leaving within a 3 minute space of me entering the bloody hospital when they told me she had lots of time to go....WTF...I am a nurse, I ought to have known you cannot put a time value on when the departed will depart!!!!
Too often, I get a patient I know is on their last leg...and I will come out the room after sitting there with them and the other staff say to me, "How pong she got to go?" One time, I said, "Ohhh, hours I reckon". I took into her a radio, plugged it in for some music playing, because she was dying alone and as much as I sat with her I still had other patients to care for. I turn around and she takes her last breath...no shit. I was there with her...I am blessed.
Anyhow, I laughed and cried at the same time with your post...you are a funny biatche...and I would hugg you if I could get near to you.
Check your shoes before you leave.
She's baaaaaaacccck! ;)
Only you could make all these funnies out of death. I swear, I want you to write my obit.