Imagine the earth opens up, Satan pops his ugly head out and says….snicker snicker…I’m gonna annoy you alllll day today just for the hell of it. (no pun intended) That’s pretty much how last Thursday went. We’ll just skip over all that happened before my meltdown. Except to say, I hadn’t eaten since 7 am. No coffee, and my arm itched like a sumbitch from the shot I’d had that morning.
Soooo, with a car full of groceries and a belly full of….HULLO…NUTHIN! I pull up into the cross walk to make a right turn cause some blond in a van the size of Montana, putting on lipstick and fluffing her hair at the traffic light, is blocking my view. My goal here is to make a right turn, run that last errand, get home, change outa the crotch crushing jeans I’m wearing, get coffee, and finally…FINALLY eat something.
As luck would have it (my luck) a cop appears outa nowhere and motions me into the gas station on the corner.
(Conversation near as I can recall)
Cop: Ma’am it’s illegal to block a crosswalk.
I’m not sure what came over me when I heard this. But I tell you, I suddenly became so angry that I my skin felt like it was on fire. I may have even grown fangs but….I couldn’t see myself so…I’m just guessing.
Me: Are you kidding me?
Cop: No I’m not kidding you. Licens……..
Me: Could you make a right turn around Bambi the bimbo driving a house on wheels without pulling up to see what was coming, OFFICER??? Cuz…maybe it’s me but…I couldn’t see a damned thing through her.
Cop: I’m sorr
Me: Yanno, the last time I got pulled over was 12 years ago. That was because I didn’t have tag on the front of my car. Now I’m getting pulled over for pulling up in a cross walk? (my arms are flying all over the place. Probably lucky he didn’t shoot me) DO YOU SEE ANY PEOPLE AROUND HERE???? ….NOOOOOOO! YOU KNOW WHY? THEY’RE ALL IN CARS! THERE ARE NO PEDESTRIANS! Where were you when that guy on Tuller was speeding so fast his car spun out in a complete circle and he took off goin the other direction? Or…or…how about when that foreign lady drove me off the rode. NOWHERE! YOU GUYS ARE NEVER AROUND FOR THAT CRAP! But let me step outa line the teensiest bit and….you guys are all over me! What is it? Is it me? DO I HAVE A COP MAGNET EMBEDDED IN MY ASS OR SOMETHING???
Cop: (lip twitching, asks innocently) That time of the month? I’m married. My wife gets like this sometimes.
Me: (complete 1080. tearing up, emotional…probably from fatigue and starvation but possibly extreme mental illness) awwww. You think I look young enough to still have a time of the month. That’s soooo sweet!
Cop: (obviously not sure what to make of me at this point) You look very young, ma’am. Now be honest. I’m sure you’ve done your share of speeding we didn’t catch at one time or another too.
Me: (pissed again) HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT I’M DRIVING? I HAVE PLASTIC WHEELS ON THIS THING! IT’S INCAPABLE OF SPEEDING. (leaning in conspiratorally, I confide to him…..) I have been passed by ……. Old people. Hell, I’ve been passed on both sides at once with one person going into the turn lane to get around me. That’s how slow this thing is!
Cop: (looking down at my wheels) ”Are you sure they’re plastic? “
Me: YES! Clack on them. They’re totally plastic.
Cop: (laughing) Wow. They are plastic!
He ended up sending me on my way and telling me he hoped my day got better. Course when I got home and made the mistake of telling Bob, I got…..”the talk”. It started with, “Didn’t you learn anything from the “I have a dog in a crate,” incident? Do you know how high our insurance could have shot up if you’d gotten a ticket. And ended with….Did you really ask if you had a cop magnet embedded in your ass?
When I told him what the cop looked like it turned out Bob’s met him and had him over to our house to show him the ravine. He’s a red-haired guy with freckles and kind of a belly so he’s pretty unmistakable. Small world. Go figure.