Tuesday, July 31, 2007
I've gotten 3 invitations in 30 minutes in the crab mail with myspace invitations to join bi-hotties. I don't wanna be a friggin bi-hottie. My motto is...pick a flavor and move outa the line so somebody else can take a shot.
Where is this crap coming from? I don't even use that MySpace account. It's a cowpie field that never got off the ground.
Well, that cooks it. I was gonna post a bunch of boobs for all the boob lovers but I fear I'll get the bi-hotties all worked up again. Poor gals. I know they're awful disappointed. But sometimes you just have to say no.

Oh yeah...if you wanna vote the button's underneath in the other post. If not...fine. Frankly it's like having the starring role in that Mel Gibson movie...you know the one where they rip his body apart at the end? but do vote for Signgurl and Gabby please. Their links are below also. I..... am gonna go watch Big Brother and eat junk.

goodnight to my pals and goodnight to all my fellow bi-hotties. You guys really were cute. Especially the gal with the muscles in her neck...that was really great. yep...just lovely. thank you. thank you for sharing.

Labels:

 
posted by Crabby at 5:54 PM | 9 moos from the field



As promised your first look at my new toy. Look left <<
Yeah, that's right. I got cuffs...annnnd a key. WOOT!
And first place I'm taking them is to Manny's to cuff her sorry self to the computer! Then I'm goin after Milkmaid who keeps disappearing when I need her!




Ok. I'm distraught now. Did you know my dead body is worth less that 5 grand? I'm sorry but is that it???? 5 grand? Please, I gave up ice caps!I$4480.00See? I got my information from a valuable source. This place right here. Go see what your worth. And when you come back unsatisified....And you will....Come see Dr. Crabby.

My new "Live Forever Serum" can be preordered by dialing....1-800-EAT-THIS. I wanted my number to be 1-800-eat- this-you- cadaver- cheapskate. But it was too many numbers.

















Time to get serious. It looks like we're not heading toward a win here at the field. "IF" you're looking at numbers. But if you're looking at friendships we have it in spades.

I can't even tell you guys how touched I am that you all went to so much trouble to give me your votes every single day. and the folks who came here from Voy and My space and all over, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You all are the best! And I'll never forget your kindness.

Jake, I know you even went out on a limb to tell your friends who know me to give me a look, and I thank you for that. It was a cool thing to do. (I know you hate when I gush so I'll stop)

Bob, bless your heart, you even cooked lunch yesterday so I could go try and drum up votes. I swear you do put up with a lot and I love you for it.

Milky, as always, you went out of your way to try and pull in votes. I love you and you know it.

Manny, you are the best sister ever! And I'll give you a hug when I see you.

Barman, what can I say? You've been a rock and always there to pick me up and cheer me on. You are my very sweet brother and I'm darn proud I adopted you.

Sign, bless your heart. You've linked the crap outa me. LOL! Thank you and I soooo owe you a big hug. Your my pal, always.

Galen, you ornery sweetie you...I can't believe you'd give away free sex to get me votes. God love ya cause I surely do.

Ebezp and Topcat, you guys rock. I know you both voted daily. And I deeply, deeply appreciate that kind of support.

You all have no idea how special it was for me to have this moment in the sunshine. I've never won anything. Never been particularly special in any way. But for these couple of weeks ...well, it just felt good. Really good. Thank you all, sincerely.

Please don't forget to vote for our girls Sign
and Gabby

Pssssssssst. Milky, I clicked something and now my whole screen is full of cowprint. Um.....so....how do I fix this? It's HUUUGGGE! Like a real cow blew up on my screen.

Labels: ,

 
posted by Crabby at 11:46 AM | 16 moos from the field
Monday, July 30, 2007



SATURDAY NIGHT

The Crab proves she's still got the moves on the dance floor during a recent wedding reception. A bundle of unbridled energy, Crabby bumps, grinds, and swings those hips on a pair of 3 in heals, by damn!

BOOM SHACKA LACKA LACKA! BOOM SHACKA LACKA LACKA!

MOMMA GOT GAME, BABY! That's right...eat my dirt children. And watch these hips do they're thing! WOOT!







Sunday morning.
The following ad is seen in the local newspaper.

LOST: 56 year old groin. Last seen on dance floor. Please return to old woman with cane. Thank you.









Finally in recent news, the government dietician (screw it...Milky's not around to tell me how to spell this) diet person..... has just reported that pork is NOT the other white meat. It's red. Like beef. Health conscious folks should stick with Crab.
Sooooo.....Vote Crab....the other white meat. Click photo to vote.

(for our folks on drugs click picture of crab with face above. Do not be afraid. See cow interview? See thumbs? Click thumb pointing up at your ceiling. that is good thumb.)

Also folks don't forget to cast your votes for SIGN
and for GABBY
They are both in a mad dash for 3rd. Give them your vote and get them there, PLEASE! Personally I'd like to see us in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. I'm no quitter. Don't you be. VOTE PEOPLE! VOTE!

ps. I've linked one of fellow top 10s. He's funny as hell and I think you guys will enjoy reading his stuff. So go visit, Slick Sumbitch. He reminds me of someone. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Labels: , ,

 
posted by Crabby at 8:27 AM | 36 moos from the field
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Go vote for me with a thumbs up and Monday I'll show you what I have. Here's a clue....it's the very last thing anybody would ever trust me with.
Yes, I am bribing you shamelessly. Have you seen how far behind I am? Please go give me a thumbs up guys.
THUMBS UP FOR CRABBY
 
posted by Crabby at 6:15 AM | 23 moos from the field
Friday, July 27, 2007


Now see? This is why I love the homeless folks. They eat my cooking and love it. You can tell by the looks on their faces!

Yesterday Bob got a phone call from a friend who told him (get ready to blow chunks ladies)
"Every night when I get home my wife has dinner ready for me. I never know what she's going to make but it's always delicious."
Bob: You just tell me this shit because you know I'm stuck with Pam's (crabby) cooking.





At lunch Bob proceeds to tell me alllll about how this gal serves her husband the best meals and how excited the guy is just to go home at night to see what he gets to eat.
ME: GeezLOOeeze! I'm gonna have to talk to this gal. She has no life! She could be playing video games, reading books, talkin' with her buds.
BOB: Maybe she enjoys making her husband happy.
ME: Laughs hysterically.
BOB: You could be a good cook if you'd work a little harder at it.
JAKE: Dad, come on. Look at what we're eating. You're dreaming.
ME: Well, I don't know why you're complaining. You guys used to love my cooking. Remember my sizzling rice soup?
BOB: Was that the soup with the hard chunks of chicken in it. Sure I remember it. I chipped a tooth on that crap once.
JAKE: No. That was a dumpling you chipped your tooth on.
ME: Anyhow, I used to surprise you guys with new recipes too. But you were ungrateful so I stopped. Plebbt!
JAKE: YOU MEAN EXPERIMENT NIGHT! I HATED EXPERIMENT NIGHT!
BOB: Tofu war sue gai. (shiver)
JAKE: Remember that stuff that looked like a giant turd on a biscut?
With this, both men got up from the table, mumbling, rinsed their plates off and disappeared back to their offices. I ..... went back to blogging perfectly satisfied. I'm guessing nobody will suggest I work harder at cooking again for awhile.

If you would rather not get chocolate chip tofu cookies with your other Christmas cookies this year.

..... VOTE FOR CRABBY HERE and give the Field a big fat thumbs up!

and don't forget to also vote for our friends Sign and Gabby. You can vote for all 3 of us. We don't cancel each other out and we'd like to make it to the final 3 together. So pretty please lend a finger and cast a thumbs up vote?

VOTE FOR SIGN
VOTE FOR GABBY

Labels: , , ,

 
posted by Crabby at 7:58 AM | 19 moos from the field

Cause I don't love you aneeeeeeee-mo.

I heard it through the grapevine (yes I am into old songs today matter o'fact) that I had 132 votes last night. This morning I have 107...last time I looked. I accepted that 18 would be eliminated due to cheating. But is everyone who votes for me cheating? I also have to wonder if there isn't a whole lota cheating going on in the other camp. Lots of votes in a very short time generally doesn't add up to....angelic behavior on the part of a competitor. Is equal monitoring going on? And if so, is it possible my competitor is smarter than me? (ok....that one pretty much goes without saying and does not require an answer so don't anybody be a smart ass. LOL) In any case, no biggie to me.

Basically, what I'm saying here is....this isn't fun anymore. I quit. So stop voting for me. I'll write to Mike and ask him to withdrawal the field from his top 10 list. So if you see us removed that's why. Not his bad or anything. Just me wanting to continue to have a good time.

PS. On a more important note: I'm looking for folks to join me in an intervention for some poor gal who is spending all her time cooking for her man. And he's bragging to Bob about it.
This is making me look bad.....ok...worse, in the cooking area. She has to go.....er...I mean...she needs liberating.
 
posted by Crabby at 6:36 AM | 8 moos from the field
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Barman began to suspect they might be at the wrong party when he felt the man next to him grip his left buttock. G-man, however, continued to party along gaily, completely oblivious to the blunder. Meanwhile back at the Cowpie Field people partied hearty and occasionally wondered aloud...."What thee hell is keeping Barman and G-man?"


Back in Texas, Milkmaid suffering a severe case of PMS, bitch-slaps a little girl's frog at the annual frog jumping contest because it was croaking too loudly. Later the little girl told reporters tearfully...."I heard this weird accent and then....and then.....(sniff sniff) This hand came out of nowhere and slapped my frog till he pooped himself. (sniff....SOB)

Posing as a judge in for the top final 3 interview contest, Olga the toothless felon, was able once more to convice Crabby (who obviously will do anything to win) to marry her yet again.

Vote thumbs up for SIGN HERE
Vote thumbs up for GABBY HERE
and for the love of Pete....or Olga, depending on your preference
Vote thumbs up for CRABBY HERE

Let's take our family to the top 3! WOOF WOOF WOOF!

Labels: , , ,

 
posted by Crabby at 8:19 AM | 17 moos from the field
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Looks cute, doesn't he? Yep. That's what I used to think too. Right after we moved in 7 years ago Smilin George had a little mouse, this cute, trapped in a corner of my office. I made him let the little fella go. I didn't tell Bob because I knew Bob would kill it. Bob hates mice. I thought I could catch him in a box or something and go turn him loose in the woods behind our house. For two weeks I tried to catch him and damned if he didn't outsmart me at every turn.


Then Bob spotted a mouse upstairs. His first words to me, "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't know anything about this."
"Um."
"That's what I thought. Just tell me this, how long have you been harboring this mouse?"
"Not long. Couple weeks, tops."
"Well, by now we have more than one. You never have just one mouse......." and so the "talk" began. I don't know how long it lasted....felt like days but it ended with...."We're going to Lowes for Decon." I fought him on this. I did not want to poison the little mouse. Just catch him and release. But Bob got his decon and 15 minutes after he put it under the sink ...... it was gone. The mouse had become mouSES and my nickname became...dirt for brains.

This weekend Bob and Lucy were out back when all of a sudden Bob comes running in happy as a clam and say's...."Lucy caught a mouse. She's the reincarnation of Pierre come back to me." (another story for another day and I'm the bad guy in that one too.)

Soon as he said it I remembered that I'd seen some little black pellets in the corner of the kitchen floor. I was a tad concerned because these cute little varmints do damage like this and worse. I know. I've seen their handywork.

Today I found pellets in my pot holder drawer. I tell you, when a critter poops in my pot holder drawer, I get pissed. But it was when I found the bottom eaten out of my creamer, the creamer they're not planning to carry anymore. My favorite creamer. The reason I have coffee in the morning. Well.........THAT MEANS WAR! I bought traps and some stuff they say is better than cheese or peanut butter. (I doubt it) I'm using all 3. We'll see which one catches the first mouse. I'm gonna break their little necks, reload, and break some more. NOBODY CHEWS THE BOTTOM OUTA MY COFFEE CREAMER!

Vote a thumbs up for Crabby HERE
and don't forget Sign HERE
and Gabby HERE

Labels: , , ,

 
posted by Crabby at 12:08 PM | 11 moos from the field
Tuesday, July 24, 2007

It hurts me, literally, to be in a position to have to say this out loud but......... if you ride around in a convertible all day on Sunday, do NOT experiment with a level 2 tanning bed on Monday. Even if it seems like a really good idea and it's 5 dollar tan day. Cause when you're standing there and all of a sudden you think to yourself..... "Gee, this felt really good at first, but now it kinda feels like a giant is ironing my face. hmm. what up with dat?" That's cause, your face is, in fact, burning like all the embers of hell.
Then you might NOT want to follow that up with the special $10 Mystic spray on fake tan. Oh sure, you'll look and feel just dandy when you leave. It won't be until several hours later that the following conversation takes place over yet another lovely meal shared with the guys.

Jake: Hey Dad, look a Mom. ha ha ha ha ha!

Bob looks up from his dinner plate, turns to me, and his mouth drops open..."What the hell happened to you?"

Me: What's wrong with me?

Jake: Did a bottle of iodine explode in your face?

Me: No.

(insert roaring laughter from both men)

Me: SHUT UP, JAKE!

Bob: You look like an Indian.

Jake: With glass eyes.

Bob: NO! You know what she looks like? With those new contacts she looks exactly like a dead fish that's been parboiled.

Jake sniggering like a hyena: Yeah! one of those fish you find washed up on the beach after a couple of days.

(insert more roaring laughter. )

It was at this point I realized my skin felt like I'd been sprayed with liquid pepper. I didn't want to give the two clowns the pleasure of knowing they got to me so I sat there eating my dinner, completely ignoring them and working my sudoku puzzle. pleebbbbbbt!

But soon as dinner was over and Jake had gone, I ran to the bathroom. And stubbed my damned toe on the door jam which hurt like a bastard. It took a couple minutes of hopping around and cursing before I got a look at myself. "Son of a sea serpant! My face is the same exact color as my hair!"

I am red..... and orange....everywhere. I look like a mutant tomato with eyeballs and fingers.

The thing is ... I knew, I shouldn't go into a level two bed when all I ever do is the spray tan but, I dunno. There's some chip burned out in my brain or something that causes my good sense to be completely over-ridden by impulse. Simply put ..... I wanted to see what would happen.

PS. I wanted to thank all you guys for voting for me. I truly do appreciate it and am honored that you would take the time to not only vote but leave all those great comments. Considering you guys all have blogs, jobs, and lives of your own that you're busy with, it's just beyond kind of you to go to so much trouble. So thank you again most sincerely.

PPS. to keep the Cowpie Field in the lead because you KNOW we'll be chased like a Hooter's waitress running butt nekid through a men's college dorm...... VOTE THUMBS UP HERE

(and don't forget our pal Gabby. She has an interview too and so does Sign. So, sue me, I'm linking them for your vote too. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha! Yeah, I know, I'm worse than those Jehovah's Witness dudes that come to your door and won't leave.)
VOTE FOR GABBY HERE

VOTE FOR SIGNGURL HERE

Labels: , , , ,

 
posted by Crabby at 1:27 PM | 17 moos from the field
Monday, July 23, 2007
G-man will give free sex to anyone who votes for me. Now go vote and get back here so you can take a number and get on the list. CLICK THIS SENTENCE GIVE THUMBS UP TO CRABBY AND GET FREE SEX FROM G-MAN.

bonus....ebezp has offered up "freer sex" for the person casting the tie-breaker vote. Which will be (unless something goes very wrong and in my world that's not uncommon) the very next thumbs up vote cast.

If the tie breaker vote is cast by a man then...I am offering Milky up for free simulated phone sex.

crabby turns, throwing a cautious look over her shoulder, then runs like a cheetah on steroids.
 
posted by Crabby at 8:05 AM | 27 moos from the field
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Here at the Cowpie Field, I am declaring a weekend of politically free speach. This weekend a midget is a midget, not a "little person". Old folks are old folks. They're not seniors any more. And I further suggest they have not been seniors since graduation.

I further decree, declare, and say towith and towoot.....belching, farting, and opening your pants after a big meal is perfectly acceptable.

Toss on your grubbies, leave all that political propaganda your head has been crammed full of over the past many years at the door. This weekend at the Field......YOU ARE FREE MEN AND WOMEN.

UNRELATED BUT FROM THE HEART:

I am deeply touched by the fact that you guys have voted me into the number two spot. (for those of you who don't have a clue what I'm talking about (again) go ...... HERE

As a couple of you know I was told I would never make it to the top of that list because there is a gal on there that likes to be number one and has the numbers to hold it. (she does too) LOL! So I was just hoping to stay on the list for more than a day at number 10 before I got knocked off.

This morning I went over and I'M NUMBER TWO!!!!! And that's "all" because of you guys. Kinda goes to prove that real friendships are more powerful and enduring than any popular "put down blog, huh? We see so much of that on the net. People being unkind to other people in an attempt to get laughs and hits from their audience. It's so easy to get behind that computer and take shots at people less fortunate. And oh so easy to make yourself look good to get those numbers up.

For me, it's about you guys. You make it all matter. YOU make it worth the time sitting here and clacking away. You all are the best. And I sincerely thank you for taking the time to vote me a thumbs up and take me so far up that chart.

PS. I included free sex in the label just to see what would happen. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha! So sorry to disappoint if anybody comes by looking for ....... um..... product.

Labels: , ,

 
posted by Crabby at 5:18 AM | 20 moos from the field
Wednesday, July 18, 2007

So last night we had another "visitation"..... meaning, another old person in Bob's family dropped dead and we had to go look at them. By now you all know that my own family has some weird-assed funerals. There was the time my cousin came in with her new breasts and had everybody feeling them to see how real they felt...even better the time......

but I digress. This one, isn't about my nutty family. It's allllllllllllll about Bob. That's right. Mr. nice guy, who manages to keep his head when all others are flailing about madly....screwed up.....not once...but....TWICE! Do you love it???

Now understand, I only get pleasure from this because every single time we get together with friends he LOVES to tell them about the time I sent him to the wrong funeral. Boy was he pissed when he got back......but...I digress again.

We get to the visitation.... which is deep in the heart of the South end, in a little funeral home my grandmother used to frequent as our hard drinking, chain smoking, drug using relatives dropped off like flies. She got a huge discount for quantity. We walk in expecting to be greeted by family members like usual. But the only person standing in the hall is this massively tattooed fella wearing a muscle shirt, dirty sneakers, and a pair of jeans, cut off to make shorts. It's immediately apparent that shaving has not been high on his priority list for the past 3 or 4 days. Nor has hair combing or teeth brushing.

"Oh there," Bob says, pointing to the scruffy looking fellow. Then he proceeds to walk up to the man with this big friendly grin on his face and say......."Well, hi there. How have you been? You remember, Pam, don't ya?" (I'm Pam) At this point, I swear to you, the man's mouth formed this perfect O, his eyes got really little and squinty like he was trying to focus but couldn't quite get there. That's when it hit me. Bob was faking. He didn't have a clue who this guy was. So I took the heat off the guy before he strained so hard he accidentally crapped his britches or something and said, "I really doubt he does, Bob. He was drunker than a skunk that night." Now....this fella brightens right up and says...."Oooohhhhh, yeah! That night." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Later standing by the coffin Bob looks down at his dead relative and says (this is true, I swear) "She looked a lot better at Mother's service."

I looked at him. Looked at her, and said, "That's cause she's dead, Bob."

I think he's losin it. I do. One day he's gonna wake up and he'll have my brain and I'll have his.

Labels: , , ,

 
posted by Crabby at 12:23 PM | 25 moos from the field
Monday, July 16, 2007
It's official. I'm having a mid-life crisis and.... I'm in friggin' menopause. Translation: I got nuthin to lose. Which is why when the eye doc told me I need bi-focals I wigged out. "BI-FOCALS???????? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I WILL NOT GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT. SCREW YOU!"
That's how I ended up with...... one eye huntin' and one eye fetchin'. See, I can't read or see you if your sitting across from me any more because...they say....(I personally think it sucks) but they say, age causes your something or other to shrink. MEN! TAKE A BREATH. IT'S IN THE EYEBALL NOT YOUR BRITCHES. Anyhow it screws with your ability to see close. Well sir, I passed on the bi-focals and came up with my own solution. Contacts. One to see close and one to see far. Sadly, these past few days of walking around with one eye over here and one eye over there has resulted in numerous bruises and damaged toes. None of them mine, thank the Lord. I refuse to give up or give in. I AM NOT GETTING BI-FOCALS! Today I ordered my real contacts. And.... I'm getting a color! WOOT! That's right. I'm gonna have panther eyes. Go ahead and laugh. Everybody else has. But it's my mid-life crisis and damned if I'm not gonna enjoy it.

Speaking of huntin' and fetchin'. Check out what's happened to my toes! The two toes in the middle have split. Damed if they're not cheating on each other with the big toe and the nameless toe. (the one right next to the little toe.) Basically my toes now look like a wishbone with a foot on it.

It occurred to me that if I show you guys some skin you might go vote for me. So here ya go and now that you're all hotted up.....go give me a thumbs up ......... VOTE FOR CRABBY HERE


 
posted by Crabby at 1:48 PM | 28 moos from the field
Thursday, July 12, 2007

Every time I try to escape into the bathroom for a quiet afternoon......er........natural process, either Jake, or Bob, or both, decide they absolutely have to talk to me right that second.

Today I managed to get in there, open my book, and even heave a sigh of relief when my tortured ears hear......"MOM! Isn't it about time for lunch?"

Me: Go away. I'm busy!

Bob: What are you doing in there?

Me: What do you think I'm doing? Stop talking to me. I can't concentrate.

Bob: Are you blogging in there? It's lunch time!

Jake to Bob: Oh. I get it. See? We're not speaking her language. If we want to communicate with her, we have to talk, "blogspeak". It's all she understands now.

Bob: ohhhhh. You know I bet you're right, followed by a knock on the door. "Hey in there, LOL!"

Jake: LMAO!

Bob: IMO, it's time for lunch.

Jake: IMHO, you need to answer us.

Me: FU!

Bob to Jake: What does she mean by that?

Jake: Hang on. I'll go look it up.

Speaking of looking things up, if you wanna read my interview which I typed out all by myself because Milky was nowhere around to help with the hard questions....go.......HERE!

PS. I voted myself a thumbs up. The other vote out of the two I got is from Milky. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha! Um.....no pressure or anything but you guys can give me a thumbs up too if you really want to.
pssssst. Milky??? How was that? It was subtle? Right?

Labels: , ,

 
posted by Crabby at 11:24 AM | 35 moos from the field
Wednesday, July 11, 2007

While taking Mikey's interview a question came up asking if I work and what I do. It made me think. Truth is I've had some memorable jobs.

So I've decided to run a series on jobs I've had. If you have a weak stomach, or are easily offended, you might want to skip these stories.

That said, sit down, kick your shoes off and let's start with.......

Dog Grooming.
Length of employment 1 days.
Difficulty level (on scale from 1-10) = 7
Payoff -$74.32

Never one to start a project without a proper education, I bought myself a book on poodle grooming. I already had a dog that sort of resembled a poodle so I didn't need to hire a model. I also bought a lovely set of doggie clippers.
Arrived home, unpacked new work tools, chased dog around sofa several times till panting wildly, I gave up and decided to lure her with a wienie. The real trick to dog grooming is...ya gotta be smarter than the dog.
The hum and buzz off the clippers immediately put the dog off. She wanted no part of it. She pulled. She pushed. She rolled herself into a ball like a potato bug. I persisted.

"oops. oops. Sorry. hold still. Be a good girl. DON'T MOVE, DAMN IT! Ah, hell." On and on it went for oh.....over two hours of shaving, scissoring, and wrestling. But I have to tell you at the end of that time I had an extremely original looking dog. She very much resembled a lion who'd been attacked by 4 grizzly bears. Her long tail was butt nekkid....her butt.....resembled the back end of a baboon. One ear was shorter than the other. And I'd forgotten to trim that 4th leg. Otherwise, it wasn't bad. So I called my first client. Miss Ellie.

I picked up Ellie's dog. Ellie was thrilled to have me doing her pup because I was charging less than the groomer and Sam the dog was crazy about me.

It was just after I'd began the bathing process when the phone rang and Ellie said, "Don't forget to express her anal glands."

"Huh?"

"Oh Sammy has to have her anal glands cleaned every 4 weeks or she has leakage."

"What kind of leakage?"

Ellie told me but I didn't believe her so I got my book and looked it up. Sure enough. There was an entire section on how to empty the anal glands. Basically what ya do is ... you squeeze the critter's anus like a zit until stinky juice spits out. Now, no dog worth their alpo and milkbones is gonna stand there while some jackass squeezes the hell out of their dung hole. It's NOT natural people! And no self-respecting human is gonna put their face next to a dogs pooper to make sure the stink juice comes out. I did the only thing I could do. I cleaned the dog up and lied my ass off. I know the dog appreciated it.

And that....was the beginning and end of a beautiful career in....dog grooming.

Labels: , , ,

 
posted by Crabby at 6:20 AM | 21 moos from the field
Monday, July 09, 2007















I took my mini camera into the Mystic Tanning booth at LA TAN to intimidate the lady who hides inside that blasted booth somewhere. I don't know where she is because you can't see her but I know she's there somewhere because she never stops nagging me.

"Place your hand in front of the sensor to open the door. Place your hand in front of the sensor to open the door. Place your.....

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Chill. I'll be there soon as I'm finished lookin' at myself."

"Place your hand in front of the sensor....."
















This computer obviously doesn't realize I had complete instructions from a real live human already. They're very good about giving you helpful tips and stuff so you don't come out looking like a zebra. Sadly, my A.D.D. forces me to say...."ok. ok. Yep, I've got it," even though I have, in fact, been busy looking at the pictures on the wall.
This is my tip tray where they leave me money if I pay attention so they don't get a bad rap if I come out of there with polka dots or something.
(k. I'm lying again.) No tips. It's for your jewelry.















Hair net. That goes over your hair so it doesn't get sprayed. First time I did this, I'd push one side in and the other side would fall out. I mumbled a lot of foul language after the 5th go 'round while in the back ground the hidden computer lady kept naggin' at me to get my ass movin'. (not her words.) She's very polite. Nothing like me.
I finally figured out if I tied my hair in a pony tail and then put on my head band, the hair net thingy would slip right over, no problemo.















Slight moment of embarrassment during my human instructions. The gal told me, you "should" take off ALL your clothes. I dickered, not wanting my nether parts to be out and about. Then wisely pointed out the lady in the picture on the poster had her bathing suit on.

"I think that was just for the photos," she explained, patiently. "But you can leave your underwear on if you want to. The tanning solution will wash out."
First time.... I left them on. I must tell you they were the richest shade of bronze when I got out. Now as you can see....I take it off baby. I take it all off. Bob is lovin' the all over tan. Sometimes at night....... I speak Spanish to him. Drives him wild! Course all I can do is count to ten. But honestly....I only have to make it to five to get him going.















TaaaaaaaaDAAAAAAAA! Instant tan. And in a few more hours it will get darker. It lasts 5 to 7 days. At first not as long for me because not being much of a girly, girl....I hadn't been moisturizing. But they give you pretty specific instructions there to let ya know how to keep the tan going. So now I'm all soft and crap. Can you believe it? I'm turning into such a priss! But I have to say this is pretty cool. It's risk free....no cancer worries. No aging before your time. Just a nice even all over tan. And the best part....on Mondays it's only $10. You can also find pretty sweet coupons on-line.

That's what I did this morning. This afternoon.....got even better.

Labels: , ,

 
posted by Crabby at 12:27 PM | 24 moos from the field
Friday, July 06, 2007
I've had my say on internet block heads. I had planned to take this blog private but there are too many folks out there who visit that wouldn't be able to if I did. So here's what I've decided to do. I won't be posting as frequently because I've decided to spend the summer having adventures which I've already begun and am enjoying ...LOTS! I will post once or twice a week and I'll be by to visit my buddies, cause, they're my buds and I'd miss them otherwise.

From here on out, internet crap that falls on my door goes public. I will name, names, be absolutely shameless, and giggle my buns off the whole time. So have a care what you mail me. Any perv pic I get...they get too. You kooks out there think you got the market cornered? PAH! My entire family fell off a nut tree. Trust me, anything you do, I can do better. There. Done.

I will be starting a new blog posting some of my experiments this summer. Some of which I wouldn't recommend any of you guys try to duplicate for reasons that will become obvious to you.

For now, here's what's up.



Jake's pickle art is, as you can clearly see, out of control.
Payback will be a bitch.











During my recent birthday celebration I somehow....dunno, can tell ya, figured out that if I snap a flash pic at these targets....they all score as hits. Bells go off, lights flash. I had Bob shoot one of the rifles, hoping to get tickets with my new cheating scam but he chose a rifle that was out of tickets.






It wasn't long before the gathering crowd and all the commotion attracted the attention of the store manager. Oddly, he just stood there watching and shaking his head. Bob says he could be heard to say, "Oh let the old lady have her fun." Don't know if that's true or not but I like the sentiment. If everybody would just stand back and let me have my way, the world would be a better place.





Jake and my friend, Ethel taking their turns at virtual bowling. A game which once again got out of hand. We're a competitive lot.
I won't bore you with the details but several injuries occured that night which included, bruised thumbs, numb fingers, a banged knee, and hands that became so sore we could barely use them.

Very fun!





Though we try to control him, once again Fred wandered off and found the desert tray. We found him here, drooling over the triple chocolate cake until someone finally came and took it away. (sigh) It's always something with Fred.






And now for your viewing pleasure and at great personal risk to myself, I present the MUST SEE, movie........ <"VIRTUAL BOWLING CLOWNS"

Labels: , , , ,

 
posted by Crabby at 5:17 AM | 22 moos from the field
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Well now.

This here empty old lonely blog looks like a good place to have a birthday party.

Ya think?

Happy Birthday Crabby!!!

I get the corner hunk of cake and don't lick the knife either!!

XXXXXOOOOO

CommentYou.com is your One Stop Shop
Get More at COMMENTYOU.com

Labels:

 
posted by MilkMaid at 5:55 AM | 27 moos from the field